Helpers of the Night

Twilight is summoned to the realm of dreams at Princess Luna's wish, the night time alicorn requiring assistance, but there's something there that Twilight didn't expect; Luna isn't the only one who helps manage the dreams of the many denizens of Equestria...

Written for the Equestria Daily Writer's Training Ground #013

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Mattatatta

Mattatatta #1 · Mar 29th, 2014 · · ·

A nice short story taking a look at dreamscapes, with some action and support from a few interesting characters alongside Twi and Luna.

The tags might be best set as 'Comedy' and 'Slice of Life'. The story is a short one shot and pretty much feels like something that could occur during a random day in Twilight's life. If you plan on expanding the storyline some more - and you really should consider that - you could use the 'Adventure' tag too.

Anyway, now to the real parts of the story. I like the mechanics of the dream world and how Princess Luna recruits help from a couple of sources to help keep dreams from going into nightmares. However, a lot of the world is barebones, and the 'rules' are kind of thrown in at the last second before Twi does something wrong. The key issue here is that Twi is a total rookie here, and even if she is the most talented magician of her generation, she's only going to do so well without training - and letting her leap into her first nightmare and beam important rules to her on the fly seems a little unprofessional and risky, don't you think?

This being a comedy, I was expecting a good number of gags throughout, especially whilst in dreams. I was hoping there might be a scene that was something like Twi turning a nightmare about sharks into a dream about clowns - only to find out that the the kid is also scared of clowns. Or perhaps a joke being made about harmless dreams that are a bit weird. Dreams are limitless in their settings and scenarios, and some are very funny in hindsight as many a sleep-deprived student will tell you. So take this and run with it. There is no way a scene can break suspension of disbelief as long as one of the characters (Twilight the rookie in this case) is being realistic in her reactions. Taking a pony like Twi who is all about laws and science and facts and dumping her in a world that has no such respect for those things is bound to confound her and prompt some amusing moments with her. Forests that have trees growing spaghetti? Ponies riding on giant snails and racing them around a NEIGHSCAR circuit? Twilight would be in for a trip. Considering she barely toleratesd Discord's random hijinks, a very serious Twi would be dumbfounded at some of the stranger things ponies dream of.

One last note about the jokes, I think your taxes joke would hit better if the punchline was delivered at the end of the story only. If Luna left while keeping her duties secret until she returned, it would have allowed the build up to form on its own for the rest of the story. Keep in mind that some jokes are best off being left short of the punchline until later on. Not every joke has to be told as soon as it is started.

The characters had some moments, but I'm not sure what to make of the Alicorn twins. While Nightmare has some backstory explaining why she's helping Luna and everypony, the twins are kinda a mystery. They just kind of exist, bicker, and then help out Twi as she gets the hang of dream fixing. This is good and I like that the OCs have been thought out and given character, but the atory was simply too short to give them all room to breathe, interact, and show growth. As for canon characters, I'd say you're pretty good with keeping them in character. Luna might need some revisions to her dialogue and behavior to reflect a more professional tone and approach.

I think that this as it stands it is a solid idea for a much longer fic. If you do that and improve your ability along the way you'll have a popular story on your hooves in no time!

sakuralovelight