I am a villain.
I was not always this way.
But I am now.
And I wonder where I have gone wrong.
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- Member Since 9th Dec, 2011
- offline last seen 10 hours ago
The Usurper
I write stories. One day, I'll be really, really good at it. One day.
The Usurper
Joined 9th Dec, 2011 ·
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I wrote this all in four hours in a philosophical high after reading 71NYL-5C4TCH's Clockwork, so I'm sorry if this isn't up to scratch.
... Did I make an accidental pun?
I thinks you did
4151373
4151373
Well, I rather enjoyed this story; if this isn't 'up to scratch', then I'm in utter admiration for what you do consider top of the line.
The story is vaguely reminiscent of Macbeth in a lot of ways, yet despite the self-loathing and the 'let-me-be-evil' bits (which you managed to capture magnificently within the story), I feel there's still a degree of wiggle-room for this version of Chrysalis, at least in once again becoming the hero of her own story; namely, her sparing of Cadence. Chrysalis might say there was no looking back, but her actions betray her words.
This is a story, in my opinion, that could spawn a rather nice '[blank]-verse'; not a suggestion or a demand for a sequel, mind you, but just a side comment.
4158764
Thank you for the vote of confidence. And I am planning a sort-of sequel, which I shall put out eventually.
i.imgur.com/6MrWqNZ.png
And have a thumb too. You did a whole lot with not many words, and 1234 confirms
4164111
Ah, thank you.
4166353
You're very welcome
''This day has been just perfect.
The kind of day of which I'vd dreamed of since I was small.''
Awesome!
This Chrysalis... the one that believes she doesn't deserve redemption... is the most deserving. For she is humble...
Hey there, The Usurper. I’m Kierkegaard, and I’m here on behalf of WRITE to review your story What Makes a Villain? You requested a review that focuses more on language than on plot, and so I’ve tried to oblige. I hope, though, that you will not be too disappointed if I have not found all that much to say, given the brevity of the story. Overall, I did not find any great glaring faults that ruined the story for me, but I do think that it lacks polish, and that it stands to improve a lot, with a bit of tweaking. So, with that, let’s get started.
I like to cover big points first in my reviews, and the first big point that I want to address is the use of certain structural devices which I can only describe as gimmicky. As I see it, these devices are the single most memorable thing about your story, which means that they are overshadowing and obscuring your story. I am speaking chiefly of three things: the artificially short paragraphs, the attempt at an explicit partitioning of Chrysalis’s phases of life as it “replays itself before [her] eyes,” and the long pile of whitespace that occurs around 2/3 of the way through the story. I have to say, I am not a fan of these and other such-like attempts at creating emotional impact on the cheap as it were. The reason is that, though such things do create some impact basically in and of themselves, I as a reader tend to feel like I am being forced by them, rather than persuaded, into feeling what you the author want me to feel, with the result that I react defensively. In this defensive reaction, I feel like rolling my eyes, and I also say to myself things like, “This writer is pretentious,” in order to legitimize to myself my act of ignoring your attempt at an emotional appeal. In short, such appeals usually backfire on me, and I extrapolate from this that they are liable to backfire on most readers in a similar way.
My advice to you on this charge is therefore threefold, and while I advise you to accept all three points, I want to especially insist on the first two, as they are quite simple and easy to implement and should remove a disproportionately large portion of the distraction from your story. The first point: remove the excessive block of whitespace between “There had to be” and “There was.” That is it. Just make the scene break uniform with every other scene break in the story. Second, omit the following sentences: “Fillyhood,” “Young adulthood,” “Adulthood.” As far as I can tell they are redundant—I can tell by what follows what part of Chrysalis’s life each section recounts—and so they serve only to invest the narrative with an artificial sheen of gravitas.
The third point is this: you may benefit by rewriting some, perhaps the majority, of your paragraphs so that they are longer and thus closer to the ordinary length of paragraphs in fiction. I feel I ought to say a few words in defense of my opinion on this point, because the short paragraphs are a major and maybe even essential aesthetic characteristic of your story as it stands. So I would certainly understand if you disagree with me on this matter and choose not to accept this point. But I think that it would be for the best. My superior in WRITE, on assigning this story to me, said that it read much like an open-form poem. Having read the story myself several times now, my own opinion is that there is very little poetic about it. I can only conclude that my superior was taken in by the oddly short paragraph lengths, which at times do resemble lines of poetry, if only in length. But what you have here is unqualifiedly a story, not a poem at all. This being the case, I do not see what if anything your story gains by dressing itself up like a poem. All I got out of the dressing, myself, was false expectations and a defensive reaction that tempted me to call you pretentious, as I mentioned before. I therefore think that the story would feel more focused and aesthetically unified if it actually read more like a story. So, that is my opinion on that.
One other issue, one that only rises to the level of a “major” issue because of its frequency, is some tense confusion. I will point out all the specific instances of this that I can definitely say are errors and can definitely correct, but I am not an experienced proofreader, so you may want to get a better pair of eyes than mine to help you with this particular problem.
Aside from these two points—the gimmicky structure and a bit of tense confusion—I have not found anything “major” or systemic to complain about. So, I will spend the balance of this review to point out small details and minor complaints, trying my best to stick mainly to issues related to language and diction. Here we go, then!
* * * * *
Overall, I do not think this forms a particularly strong opening for a story. You have presented the conflict of the story, so that is good. But you have not given any sensory details which might draw a reader emotionally and personally into the story, and you have likewise not given any action or such things. What is here is pretty vague and “philosophical,” as you are no doubt aware. If I were you I would transpose some of the details about Cadance in the caves, which you have put at the end of the story, to this part, so as to set a scene firmly before the reader’s eyes from the start, and to remove any doubt the reader might have as to who the protagonist of your story actually is. (This is not a mystery novel, after all!)
The artificially short paragraphs, while always objectionable in my view, are especially grating here, as these are not only largely redundant, but both attempts at a triple parallelism are cut short in the third iteration. (I mean that “Forevermore” does not start with Un-, and that the seventh sentence does not start with “In a single moment”.) I do not think these particular attempts at parallelism are very gripping or worth defending, but at least you should not begin such parallelisms and then cut them short incomplete.
This is largely an issue about concreteness versus abstraction, but I am not sure what it means for a moment to be “suspended in time”.
I would rewrite the final lines: “And I yearn, more than anything, to know: Where have I gone wrong?” To me this way sounds more immediate and personal.
Again, I strongly suggest you simply omit “Fillyhood.”
This sentence is clumsy, as it wobbles first in one direction, then in the opposite: “...I was well off by our standards, though they were by no means high.”
“An older brother and sister”—this seems very impersonal, especially given what follows about Chrysalis’s personal grief at their deaths. I think she would claim them more personally: “My older brother and sister.”
I think you should join the sentences “...they could achieve no more. That what they had...” into one sentence.
These idioms are very Christian-tinted, and I do not think they are entirely believable coming out of the mouth of a heathen changeling: “chosen one”, “show them the light”. On the other hand, I can believe the portrayal of Chrysalis as a megalomaniac with “messianic” delusions. It is just that these particular idioms do not sound quite right coming from her.
“The idealism had been purged” should read “was purged”. Also, it’s a bit impersonal. Why not “my idealism”? I may be wrong, but I don’t think that megalomaniacs are generally cool and objective. Aren’t they usually extremely egotistical and self-obsessed?
“...Our Queen had brought nothing but despair upon us..” I would suggest “...had provided nothing but despair for us.”
“...Lifeless husks” feels a bit melodramatic.
I think you should switch the order of the sentences, “She had chosen to take our hope away. She had chosen....” This is so that by the time you reach the point about the Queen choosing to take their hope away, it can already make sense in context, instead of being an open question as it currently is until you finish reading the next sentence.
“...and with it, the love that gives us sustenance.” Should be “gave us sustenance.”
The italics on the word “needed” feel a little out of place, if only because that is the only time you have used italics during the entire story.
“And there was a way.” Why not: “And there were ways.”?
“...with the proper advice... the error of her judgement.” Again, this seems impersonal. It is also a little inconsistent, since you are switching between describing the Queen’s action as a choice, as if she were actively intending its effects, and as a decision made out of necessity.
Again, the idiom “the lion’s share” does not sound quite right to me coming out of Chrysalis’s mouth.
Also, the bit about exactly how her family is “hoarding” love confused me. Do they store liquid love in a big refrigerated vat so it won’t spoil over summer, or something? I didn’t think love was tangible like that.
Also, it is not clear to me just why it is relevant to mention that her family was effectively immune from the law.
I suggest you find another word or expression besides “noble” for the station that Chrysalis had to murder her siblings to attain. I thought from the beginning, when you said that she was “born into a family of nobility,” that she was therefore obviously already a “noble” herself.
“...to bid them a final farewell at their funeral.” Was there just one funeral for the both of them? Even if there was, this sounded to me at first like a lack of number agreement. (“Them” and “their” being plural, “a final farewell” and “funeral” being singular.)
“...sometimes, heroes suffer before they can make things right.” For reasons I cannot explain in terms of grammar, I really want this to read “...sometimes, heroes have to suffer before...”
“...her true intentions.” This does not sound quite right to me. I had to stare at it a while before I realised you were speaking of her intentions behind her decision to bar contact with Equestria. Perhaps you could expand it a little bit?
“A choice was made. A retreat was ordered.” I suggest you reword these sentences from passive to active voice.
“That was all there had been to it. Nothing more. Nothing less.” This seems like fluff and padding to me. I would omit it.
“Only a necessary one.” You have not really explained at all just why this decision was necessary. Chrysalis herself certainly did not think it so.
“I couldn’t just give up here. I could not turn back.” It is a little jarring to switch between a contraction and a full spelling of the very same phrase so quickly.
“There had to be another choice. There had to be.” Not to harp too much on the same points over and over, but redundancies like these are just tiring to read, and I suspect you would not have committed so many of them if you had not taken such liberties with your paragraphing.
“A plan formed. A plot was hatched.” Passive voice again. The problem with passive voice is that it usually has a veneer of false objectivity. It is the kind of limp-wristed, noncommittal wording that mediocre scientists like to use to try and create the illusion that they are completely detached and objective observers of nature. So, passive voice, when used like this, connotes the “objective” and impersonal dryness of your average statistical abstract.
“And when I brought my idea to her private chambers...” This is imprecise: she brought her idea to the Queen, not to the Queen’s chambers. I suppose it could be a form of synecdoche, or one of those other literary devices with Greek names no one remembers from AP Literature, but I do not think you had that kind of usage in mind.
“...armed with a knife.” Not to be that guy, but how does a changeling hold a knife? I’ll grant you that there are probably several ways, but still.
“It was not without regret.” Again, pretty impersonal.
Was she royalty, or Queen?
Tense confusion gets pretty bad in this scene. Let me establish the basics first, using what little grammar knowledge I have, and hopefully if I make a mistake here, it will be clear to everyone where I have gone wrong. What we have in this scene is Chrysalis speaking in the present about the generalized past and also about the present. Since Chrysalis is speaking about the past in the present, she should use the past tense to do so, not the “pluperfect” or whatever it is called in English. (I always paid more attention in Latin class than in English.)
These things being established:
“There had simply been no other way.” If I am correct, this should read “There was simply no other way.”
“...she looked up at me....offered me....I did not yield. It had to be done.” All these actions are taking place in the present relative to the time at which Chrysalis is telling her story, are they not? If so, they should be written in the present tense.
“When I had killed my siblings.... When I had killed the Queen....” While I can imagine a scenario in which these tenses are correct, I think it would be better for you to remove the word “had” from each of these sentences.
“I awaited a moral outcry. None came.” Again, isn’t this taking place in the storyteller’s present?
“To lead a people into the light, I would first have to tread deep into the darkness.” I would suggest you adopt one of two possible rewordings here. First option: “To lead my people into the light, I first had to tread deep into the darkness.” Second option: “To lead a people into the light, one first has to tread deep into the darkness.”
“I did not yield. It had to be done.” The way you have this written, it sounds as if Chrysalis is about to smash Cadance’s skull with a giant stone or something.
“...I realise, at long last, where I have gone wrong.” It is not clear to me at all just how much time has elapsed since Chrysalis began her reflections. Therefore, I am not sure how or why she can say “at long last” here.
“I am no longer the mare I once was. I have lost that idealism. The day I first moved to do what had to be done, I condemned myself to my fate. The path of evil.” It seems to me that the explanation of just where Chrysalis went wrong, which logically should follow the sentence ending in “I realise, at long last where I have gone wrong,” does not in fact begin until “The day I first moved to do...” This being the case, I suggest you move that sentence to the place immediately after the aforementioned “at long last” sentence.
“Evil acts? ...the road to Tartarus is paved with good intentions.” I am not sure how the two parts of this paragraph are logically relevant to one another. What has the saying, “The road to Tartarus is paved with good intentions,” got to do with whether or not evil actions make someone a villain? ...Actually, now that I think about it some more, I do see a thread of relevance: Anyone who goes to Tartarus must have done evil acts, but such people probably did those evil acts with good intentions. So that evil actions alone are not enough to make someone a villain. Okay, if that’s the logic, I can understand that, but still, it took me a while to figure out that’s what you meant, so you may want to explain it a little better.
Also, you are using a lot of “Christian-tinted” words again here. The idiom just discussed is one instance, but also “redemption” and “absolution” have a definite flavor that I think does not mesh well with changeling culture.
I appreciate the parallelism here with the story’s opening, but I can’t help but wish it were employed on a more worthy object. “A moment, suspended in time. Unchanging. Unmoving. Forevermore” has not become any less shadowy or less vague or even less pretentious-sounding since you used it in the opening. I like the sensual details here; again, I wish you would expand on them just a bit, and also put a few in the opening so as to let the reader get oriented and emotionally invested from the very start of the story.
* * * * *
With that, I have exhausted my notes. I hope that you are able to get some use out of what I have said here. Feel free to respond back if you have any remaining questions or would like to follow up. If I take a while to respond, or if you would just like to be sure of reaching me quickly, you can email me at distractedbrony @ gmail instead of commenting here, and I will get the message.
Respectfully,
Kierkegaard, WRITE’s Christian Brutal Existentialist
4195985
Thanks for the review. I'm making a particular point of replying, because I want to make sure that you know that I'm grateful for all this.
In reference to points 1 and 2, I must confess to being rather new to this somewhat deeper, character-analysing and brevity-focused field of storytelling in particular. So I'm still not entirely used to what works and what doesn't, and I'm grateful that you've pointed these out to me.
In reference to point 3, I am aware that this tactic is incredibly gimmicky, and that is precisely why I decided to use it here. Because I needed to know what works and what doesn't. Unfortunately, I think the short paragraphs are, in fact, essential to the flawed way in which this story is presented; and as such I must reluctantly reject this last point of advice.
Nonetheless, I feel that, perhaps more important than correcting the mistakes in this story (which I will certainly do, so long as my limited time permits) is learning from them. And I think you've given me a lot to think about when crafting stories of this ilk in future.
So, again, thank you for your time, and I really appreciate it.
EDIT:
Although I am, in real life, a Christian - but hardly a faithful one by any means - what was running through my head at that point was actually Star Wars.
And I think I've been exposed to the words redemption and absolution a little too much, because, to me, they've lost all religious significance. Thank you for pointing out the Christian connotations - I'll have to take note of them in future.
That was good. I like it
...And now imagine Chrysalis' reaction to King Thorax and the metamorphosized changelings.
She gave up everything for the Hive. And suddely, it was all for nothing.
No wonder she couldn't accept their friendship. In a way, doing so would mean accepting that all her sacrifices were unnecessary.
Plus, how could she ever accept forgiveness, if she couldn't forgive herself?
...Wait, this was written in 2014? Huh. How odd, I only read it just recently. Don't even remember how I found it.
...Aaaand I just realized you're already writing a story dealing with Chrysalis in exile. Heh. Eh, on the 'read layer (maybe/eventually)'-pile it goes!