Abuse. Suffering. Loss.
Three words that Sunshine Bloom knows all too well. She had been at the mercy of the first word for many year by the hooves of her father.
The second, suffering, she had known for almost all of her life, if it wasn't a terrible life at school, her abuse at home ensured her attachment to the word.
The third she knew perhaps best of all, her mother and brother had both been murdered, by none other than her father. Recently however, a new word has presented itself to her. Brought unto her by her own insanity.
Revenge.
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Couldn't have done this without Stealthypenguin, the most glorious penguin bastard out there.
Chapters (2)
Hmm, no comments. How odd.
This seems like an interesting story.
The switch of perspectives between the ponies was a little strange but not difficult to keep up with. I look forward to some more insane vigilante pone in the near future.
4419793
Thanks! :D
This is great! It's dark, sinister, and crazy!
I think this story has great potential, and your writing is pretty good too! I'll be keeping an eye on it.
4443985
Thanks so much! This means a lot to me :D
Deep and dark. You most certainly deliver! Looking forward to more!
Also, I found a couple mistakes if you don't mind me pointing them out.
I'm assuming this was an accidental typo, and you wanted to use "an" instead of "a" twice.
Using "an" instead of "a" here would be more grammatically correct.
An extra letter. I'm pretty sure you mean "can"
Keep up the awesome work!
4451045
Ah, thanks for pointing that out.
Glad to see you're enjoying it!
I have to mirror the previous statement that the switching of perspectives all of a sudden was a little strange at first to read, but after re-reading it through for a second time while ignoring the format (I'll get to that), I can see what you did and were looking to achieve, and I can appreciate it's existence for what it does for the reader. It just gives us all the more of a justifiable reason to hate the father even more and sympathizes with Sunshine's murder of him.
The formatting of the idea though itself is a little jarring on the eyes? I mean, it's not bad. I too have issues with this and what I normally do when I switch perspectives like that, is make it pretty obvious that we are now inside of the head of another pony, hearing his/her thoughts, without having to use those lines breaks in between each portion. Don't get me wrong; it's not a major issue, nor do I mind it, but I think the story would flow better if that bit was just reformatted slightly.
This probably sounds all negative, but it isn't. I love this story. It has good pacing for a starting chapter in my own opinion, and it sets us up for the story to come, knowing now why she does what does in the future, and allowing us to sympathize with her cause even if it results in murder. It's dark and grim just enough to not be too overbearing (like some of my own work), allowing people who aren't a fan of dark-fics to give it a try.
9/10 for me. The lacking 1 point being the format of the changing perspectives. But that's a tiny thing that can be ignored compared to the weight the rest of the fic has going behind it.
4462336
Ah, yes.
I really had no idea what to do with the perspectives thing.
Thank you very much for this, your thoughts are indeed very much appreciated!
Oh snap! The crazy has been doubled!
4470758
Haha, indeed!
Not my cup of tea, but it's got potential. Just be sure to not let Sunshine Bloom devolve into a sympathy!Sue.
4480830
Hmm, I wasn't actually aware of a Shmpathetic Sue.
Thanks for informing me.
a cupcakes mash up
interesting turn for the story and not where I had expected it to go.
P.S. poor Fluttershy
4490511
Glad to see you're enjoying it!
Things will most certainly get a lot crazier in the next chapter.
Just you wait...
This makes the top 5 list for most fucked up things I've ever read. Not to say that it was a bad read, it's just I've never really been one for this type of grimdark that addresses the characters mental state.
Sunshine is definitely one twisted little filly though. I'd actually like to colab with you in a project I'm working on.
4495369
I will most certainly take this as a compliment.
Please do pm me what your project's about :D
I will have to read the rest later, but so far it reminds me of some of Stephen King's darkest work.
Good job on the insane mind. Look forward to the rest.
I think you've done very well with this dark fic. Puts me in mind of John Saul. Keep up the good, and frankly scary, work!
That was creepy.
I like it!
The perspective change was a bit jarring, but other than that, I can only see one major mistake.
Excepting should be except.
Despite that, this looks like a story with some wicked potential.
I'll try to read the rest soon.
You asked me to be completely honest, so i shall: I have to say that this story is really good so far, and I can't wait to read the next chapter! I find this story very dark, interesting, and well paced. But it was not quite made clear what problems the father had to make him drink so much. It was also never made clear why he had killed the Mother and the brother in the first place. But I really liked this story a lot. My over all score would have to be a 9.5 out of 10.
I haven't read a whole lot here on fimfic, but this is the first time I have ever given a story a dislike. After reading these two chapters, I've decided I can't continue reading; this is just bad writing.
This story is littered with careless mistakes; most often, repeating parts of sentences. On top of that, the narration is often redundent.
Your second most common mistakes concern tenses; you change them, a lot. You go from something having happened, to happening, and back in single sentences; like I said, careless mistakes. You also change from 3rd to 1st person for a couple paragraphs in the first chapter.
The pacing is jarring and poorly, if at all, transitioned. In the first chapter you jumped, without warning, a month in a paragraph and then a whole year in the following paragraph. Combined with your various past, present, future mistakes the timeline is nearly impossible to follow.
Most painful, of the formative mistakes, is that you tell; tell; tell; and never show. This thing reads like a laundry list: plainly explained to completion with little room for interpretation.
Fortunately these can all be fixed with a re-write that puts the story in action not description, is grammatically easy to follow, and is well transitioned. Unfortunately, even if all that was fixed, this story would be mediocre at best. The core problems with this story are all about style or lack there of. Sunshine is the most, or should I say only, developed character and she is two-dimensional. Every other character is a one-dimesional cardboard cut-out of a Pony; a name, face, motivation, and no depth whatsoever. The premise is like that of a 4:00 AM movie on Lifetime, and lamely executed. Most of all (and this very last point is only from my personal opinion, not from an critically objective standpoint.) what irks me about this story is how it is advertised as particularly dark and insane, delivers on this one point, but is extreme in neither; FoE: Pink Eyes is darker and more deranged than this, and it follows a pink filly heroine who is absolutely hilarious.
Good luck with your future endeavours, please don't let any of this discourage you.
4543325 Thanks for your opinion!
Love it. MOAR.
If you need help with anything hit me up.
4588572
Thank you very much.
Loved this story so far; I hope it's continued.
Why is this canceled?
10196478
Hi, glad you liked the story!
If my memory serves me correctly, this was my second attempt at a story on this website. Originally, I created it because I was very inspired by My Little Serial Killer: Murder is Magic
, which was unfortunately being updated rather slowly.
Ultimately, I cancelled it for the following reasons:
1) I'm not really invested in the fandom anymore. I haven't watched MLP in close to five years, and in terms of writing, I've been focusing of fiction outside of the universe
2) I wasn't really pleased with the level writing proficiency in this story. As it was one of my earlier projects, it lacked a lot of nuance; too much to really fix.
3) I had already moved onto other projects with a similar theme. See The Ponyville Aberration.
Unfortunately, I likely won't be continuing any of my other projects on here anytime soon (See point 1). Although, I might come back to do some additional chapters for some of my stories, or put together a short story every now and then.
Hopefully that satisfies your question!