The silence was as palpable to everypony in the square as the cobblestones beneath their hooves while they looked on in a tense silence. The crowd had been quiet for the last few minutes as their newest nemesis, the tea lover Princess Celestia, stood defiantly at the entrance to Canterlot square. Her magenta eyes were locked onto the coffee shop in the distance they were defending from her tyranny.
The tense moment seemed to be building up to a climax as neither side moved. The Royal Guards that valiantly protected the Sun Princess had fanned out in front of her in a defensive formation, eyeing the crowd with icy stares while those nearest the Princess focused their attention on the line of guards. Somewhere off in the distance, a bird chirped happily as it flitted about its daily life, completely oblivious to the powder keg next to a flamethrower.
Celestia gulped audibly as she stared, unsure of herself right then. The solution she had come up with, to pay a friendly visit to the coffee shop that had started all of this, was so much easier to explain to Luna than to actually do. Behind her, the Luna stood with an unimpressed look on her face. Her half-lidded stare at the crowd hid her bloodshot eyes from most of those who dared to not look her directly in the face. She had seen enough of this to know that, not only was Celestia's plan foolish, but the ponies they ruled over were also lacking on the common sense side.
"Sister, we are getting impatient," she grumbled, "Move thy flank now or we will not go through with this plan."
Celestia tried to will her hoof to move, to take a single step towards the coffee shop, but her limbs remained rooted to her current spot. If the experiences she had an hour earlier taught her anything, it was to not approach the coffee shop when all the ponies suffering from caffeine withdraw had gathered around it. Thankfully, the newscolt had disappeared, giving Celestia hope that maybe the ire of the crowd had diminished.
To make a long story short, though, it hadn't.
Taking a tentative step forward, Celestia's hope evaporated as the crowd erupted into a flurry of noise and movement, all centered around her. The commander shouted commands to the other guards as the group was assailed by a mass of bodies more numerous than them, holding firm but dangerously close to snapping. Celestia froze after that, wishing she knew the spell to go back in time and warn herself about this. Ironically, the crowd slowed their assault on her and stared at her once again, as if they were daring her to take another step.
"THOU HAS TO BE KIDDING WITH US!" Luna shouted from behind her older sister, utterly frustrated with both sides.
"Luna, please stay calm," Celestia whispered to her, "They can smell irritation."
"WELL, IT MATTERS NOT NOW, DOES IT?!" She demanded, stomping one of her hooves into the ground.
"Luna, please," Celestia pleaded in a hushed tone, "This needs to be handled very delicately."
"MY FLANK IT DOES! STAND ASIDE, FOOLISH PONIES! WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!"
At her command, a great shuffling occurred as the fuming Princess began stomping her way in the direction of the coffee shop. She marched right past her older sister, who watched her with shock and awe written all over her face, straight to the guards who protected them. Immediately, they all moved aside, allowing her to pass by, saluting as they did so. Much to everypony's surprise, though, members of the crowd parted as she approached, many looking up at her with fear and respect.
Luna snorted angrily as she marched past them, her cranky mood parting the crowd. She made substantially more progress than her older sister had, about fourteen steps more, before the first dissenter decided to test her mettle. A lone mare stood before the irritated Lunar Princess, glaring back at her with sparkling emerald eyes. She wore a scarf of a horrible brown plaid design along with obnoxiously thick horn-rimmed glasses that Luna was sure were fake. Luna halted at her, both staring at each other defiantly.
"Move aside," Luna commanded.
"You can't tell me what to do, traitor," the mare answered back, "You are allied with your sister and I know what you plan to do."
"Oh?" Luna asked, her voice raising with sarcasm, "And how do you know what we intend to do?"
The mare puffed herself up, proudly standing before the Princess.
"I wrote about it in my unpublished novel. I'm so cool that I wrote about this before it happened."
The cracking noise was audible when Luna's temper broke, her eyes twitching again. She simply couldn't believe how dense these ponies really were. How did Celestia ever put up with the sheer stupidity of their subjects? Shaking herself away from the vice of making sense of dumb comments, Luna's eyes glowed white again and she opened her mouth wide.
The roar that followed could only be described as epic. The sheer volume of it was inexplicable, but the force was intensely powerful. A violent wind wracked the whole square as Luna shouted in sheer anger and frustration, blowing away many of the empty coffee cups that littered the square, as well as many things not bolted down. The pony who stood before her simply stared at her with wide eyes as the wind buffeted her, blowing away the scarf and glasses. Her lips flapped about in the wind as she tried feebly to keep her hooves rooted to the stones below.
As Luna finished the shout, the pony quivered before her like never before. With a small squeak, she hurried off to the side and into the ranks of the ponies who had formed a line around her. Satisfied, Luna resumed her march to the coffee shop in the distance, each step thundering across the silent courtyard. Eventually, she reached the glass doors and her horn glowed, forcing them to open with a haunting creak.
As Luna entered the shop, a small voice in the back of her head caused her to notice the decor. It wasn't unpleasant to look at since the walls were a wonderful light brown color, looking like coffee mixed with milk, that led down to the matte black tiles covering the floor. Some pretty light green furniture was strewn about the room, the perfect shade to not make Luna hurl. Ambient lighting softly glowed from floating lanterns above her head, casting just enough light to illuminate anypony or anything that Luna might run into.
That voice was instantly squelched, though, as she snorted angrily and stomped her way over to the counter. Behind the slab of laminated wood, a mare walked out from around the corner, smiling halfheartedly.
"Welcome to... uh," she began before her eyes went wide. Her smile melted away as she regarded Luna, who glared back. The mare spun to the left, but her eyes went wide as the sound of doors shutting reached Luna's ears. Slowly, the mare turned to Luna and forced herself to smile, her braces twinkling.
"Welcome, P-Princess Luna," she stammered, "W-Would you l-like to---"
"Quiet thyself," Luna barked in her cranky manner, "Our mood is not one for patronizing."
The poor mare gulped hard as Luna made eye contact with her. She wished she could've been anywhere else right then, like at home on her day off like she was supposed to doing right now. Why did she have to be here when a clearly angry Princess stood had just come in? Why couldn't her break have been just fifteen minutes earlier?
"W-What can I g-get you, y-your highness?" She squeaked in a small voice.
Luna cleared her throat right then, filling the poor mare with dread.
"We would like..." She began.
Outside, everypony gasped audibly as they pressed their faces to the windows, watching the scene unfold. Even from as far away as she was, Celestia gulped loudly, hoping Luna wasn't about to do what she thought she was. Back in the shop, Luna's eyes flashed dangerously to the young mare before her as she ended the dramatic pause.
"To have the largest cup of your strongest coffee." Luna finished anticlimactically.
The mare, along with everypony outside, blinked twice in shock. She shook her head after that, trying to clear her thoughts.
"Oh, uh, we do have.... uh, our dark roast is the strongest one we have." She managed to say.
"Then be quick about it," Luna growled, "Today hath been a most stressful one."
"I can imagine." The mare replied with a lighthearted chuckle. Unfortunately, Luna continued to glare at her and the mare's giggle became an awkward cough.
"Ahem, yes. One extra large dark roast coming right up." She stated in a monotone voice as she turned to the brewer behind her. With the push of a couple buttons, the machine whirred to life and the pleasing aroma of coffee filled the air. Luna sniffed it in slowly, her scowl softening a bit. Eventually, the mare turned back to her, holding a tall coffee cup in her hoof that steamed slightly from the minute hole in the lid. Ever so gently, she placed it on the laminated countertop as Luna's horn glowed, causing five glittering bits to materialize next to the cup.
"Oh no, my Princess. This one is--"
"TAKE THE BLASTED BITS!" Luna informed her in the Royal Canterlot Voice.
The mare squeaked and quickly snatched the bits away, darting over to the register in the far corner. Luna, however, stared at the cup suspiciously before she took a sip of the steaming concoction. The scalding drink was mellow and bitter at the same time, filling her senses with an unusual clarity, just like she had wanted it to. Instantly, she could feel her crankiness melt away under the dark roast, causing her to smile slightly.
Turning around, Luna marched to the doors and willed them to open, causing the crowd around her to gasp loudly. She strolled between them proudly, her head and coffee held high. Once she had made it to the center of the square, she decided it was time to address her subjects. Opening one eye, she glanced around with an expectant look.
"WELL?" she asked, "WHAT ARE THOU WAITING FOR? IS THAT NOT WHAT YOU WANTED?"
As soon as the words left her lips, a massive cheer erupted from the crowd, causing Luna to become irritated once again. These ponies were unbelievably dumb that all she had to do was buy a coffee to cancel out the toppling of the industry to them. Her head hung, she continued to march to Celestia as the crowd addressed her as their champion. Eventually, she made her way to her older sister, covered in ribbons and flower petals.
"The problem has been solved, sister," she grumbled as she marched past.
Celestia merely blinked as Luna marched on by, heading directly for the castle, before she followed. The square was still in a celebratory mode, but neither sister felt like celebrating.
Needless to say, Luna slept pretty peacefully for the rest of the day. Well, as peacefully as an alicorn who had downed an extra large dark roast coffee in an hour could. Still though, a full day of rest eluded her as a wailing echoed throughout the halls, causing her to yell back.
"WHAT IN THE NAME OF?" she roared as she pulled herself out of the midnight blue sheets that belonged to her bed. Her mood soured again, she lit her horn and looked over to her hourglass to see it was still three hours before she normally rose. Baring her teeth, she sucked in a breath and willed her magic to take her to her sister. A small pop later, she was standing in the royal dining chambers.
At the magnificently dressed table, her older sister hung her head over a plate of hearty oats and a cup of tea, burying her eyes into her hooves. An evening edition of the newspaper sat next to her, along with a very familiar looking brown body complete with a lion's paw.
"DISCORD!" she roared to him, "WHAT HATH THOU DONE TO OUR SISTER?!"
The fiend known as Discord smiled back in his usual sarcastic way, his yellow eyes twinkling.
"Ah, if it isn't the hero of the revolution herself!" he praised in a loud voice, "I can't thank you enough for all the chaos you've caused!"
Luna's angry sapphire eyes narrowed in on him, even as the pompom on her nightcap got in the way.
"THOU KNOWS THE PENALTY FOR UPSETTING ONE OF US!" she thundered back.
Discord's smile only got more smug as she spoke.
"Oh, but dearest Luna, I haven't done anything."
"THEN WHY IS OUR SISTER UPSET AT THOU?!"
"Upset at me? I did absolutely nothing to make her mad. You, however, have done better than even I could!"
He snapped his paw, a newspaper materializing in his claw hand.
"WHAT TRICKERY IS THIS?!" Luna roared back, "WE HAVE DONE NOTHING!"
"Oh, but you have," he sneered, "See for yourself."
Immediately, Luna lit her horn and the newspaper shot to the irritated alicorn. She expected some dumb headline regarding what she or her sister had done earlier today, but the headline shocked her even more than she could've ever expected.
BREAKING NEWS: LIGHT CHAI EMPIRE FORMED TO COMBAT BIRTH OF NEW DARK ROAST REPUBLIC
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" she shouted so loud that the dust shook loose from the rafters.
"It appears that you, dear Luna, have started a rebellion with your coffee." Discord stated with barely concealed amusement.
..........................................
My sides!
These ponies will not stop being so damn stupid won't they?
War on tea and coffee...
This sounds like something I read from the history books.
Coffee vs Tea ! Night vs Day! It almost seems like the ponies are doing this on purpose to mess with the Princesses .
The subjects are so damn stupid!
I never knew princesses could yell so loud that they scare the crap out of them
Way to go luna you showed those ponies what to do!
Badass scale through the roof
Oh no... ITS THE HIPSTERS!!!
I don't like tea, and I can't drink coffee unless I put hot-chocolate mix in it.
I seriously love how you used th lyrics to that song. ♥
And then Twilight starts her own rebellion by drinking a soda or something.
Good parody of the Solar Empire and the New Lunar Republic.
wow
quickmeme.com/img/4d/4dad2d006aec22cbee56d3f69e3e295f13152cd09ee59e545cb1dea22eca2a2c.jpg
i bet disco is still the one that started this
i.imgur.com/TPaSwQl.png
The only thing i can really find to criticize is that your dialogue punctuation needs a bit of work. Lines like this, for example:
That second comma is wrong. Luna's first sentence has ended; "Move thy flank" etc. is the start of a new sentence, not a continuation of the previous one, so this comma needs to be a period.
Same here:
Also, whenever dialogue is followed by an attribution of who said it and how, the dialogue+attribution must always be treated as a single sentence; if the character's dialogue would normally end with a period if written by itself, you use a comma instead, and do not capitalize the next word outside the " mark unless it's a name. (Dialogue which ends with "?" and "!", you use those marks as usual, but still treat dialogue+attribution as one sentence and don't capitalize the next word.) Examples:
Given that sometimes you have it right and sometimes you don't, I suspect there are some "auto-
corruptioncorrection" shenanigans going on with whatever you're typing these on. If you're typing these out on a phone or tablet, my advice is... don't. Those kinds of devices just aren't well-suited for content creation; they're geared towards typing out short messages and quick notes, and the auto-corruptcorrect "features" will sabotage you more often than they will help when trying to write long-form prose.A great little read; really enjoyed it. I'm with Celestia on favoring tea over coffee but it shouldn't matter either way...
Ponies are just dumb sometimes...
4139941
Apple soda does indeed exist, but it's one of those things that's only well-known or widely-available in certain regions (at least here in the US). It's fairly common in grocery stores here in the southwestern states, but east of the Mississippi or north of the Mason-Dixon line, not so much.
(Apple soda, y'say... Ah'm sensin' a market opportunity here. Hey, Twilight, y'all got any books on soda-makin' in that library o' yours?)
This was glorious.
All hail the Princess of Coffee!
Wut.
...
...
...
...
OMG...
Well done. Your story now has a follower.
And this is why Luna is best pony.
As for coffee, I prefer a nice black as night Kona.
I've got it! At some point in time, all the ponies have been possessed by the denizens of Teh Internetz! Why else would they act like such brainless idiots idolizing the most mundane of events? Yes, it all makes sense now.
4142366 Bah! Soda... A drink of teeth rotting proportions, with such annoying carbonated fizzyness to assault the tongue, one of more sane thinking would easily believe they've ingested rotten biotoxic material.
Hail Fruit Juice!
4142947 You dare continue your slanderous usage of the red seeded mature tree flower, within your putrid empire?! This can only be taken as an assault upon the Apple division, a declaration of war to all juices!
HAVE AT YOU!
*reads the newspaper*
"On second thought, girls, lets not go to Canterlot for my birthday. It is a silly place."
(You have earned +1 favorite.)
That's why the princesses should never appear to take opposite stances. They'll think Nightmare Moon is making a bean-powered bomb to flood the world in caffeine. Then they'll have no choice but to stay up ALL NIGHT.
4142478
And the Crystal Empire secedes when Cadence has a cup of hot chocolate.
ALL HAIL DIET COKE!
Can't wait for some random pony to order an iced tea and spark World War 3.
I shit you not, for me, the ad below the chapter is SERIOUSLY advertising COFFEE. I'm serious, that's what it's selling.
Again!
HOT CHOCOLATE!
Not to start another revolt or anything...
OH MAH GOD XD LIGHT CHAI EMPIRE AND DARK ROAST EMPIRE XD THE AMOUNT OF HILARITY CAN NOT BE CONTAINED
As a reward, here is a GIF(t).
drodd.com/images10/clapping-gif12.gif
But I like Coffee & I like Tea...
Clearly there is only one sensible course of action.
I must declare war upon myself!
dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/12875849/reactions/xggv1d.gif
... There aren't enough facehooves in the world to express how I feel about this... so I suppose I'll just stick with 1
This has got to be the 2nd worst (or perhaps best) pun I have ever seen. What's the 1st, you ask?
fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/332/7/f/worth_a_pun_in_the_oven_by_mrbastoff-d5mayvw.png
4142979 Bleh, I hate bannanas. I only say fruit because it's shorter than whatever I could've said with Orange, Apple, Pineapple, and Grape. Maybe Cranberries, but I haven't tried that before.
Yeah, I'll just stick with juice.
Hail juice, the true overlords! Take your soda and shove it in the corner with all the other inferior drinks.
I thought this was the end. Then this:
4142553 I kid you not Apple soda tastes AWFUL
Well... this is a fine pickle!
I say... let's just stay out of this. *takes his tea, gives his old man some coffee, and they watch the war*
Just when I thought the citizens of Canterlot couldn't get any stupider...
At this point I would've just let the situation play out :3
4142366 4142478 4142553 4142941
"Meanwhile, sources within the Ministry of the Interior that declined speak for the record stated that the formation of a 'Revolución de la Sidra' lead by one 'Manzana ¡Zas-ata' was nothing more than a '…vicious rumor intended to drum up sales for the flagging cider industry in wake of all the recent attention being paid to tea and coffee.'
"In possibly related news, another overland shipment of tea leaves and coffee beans bound for Canterlot has been reported stolen. This marks the fifth such robbery in as many days. In each case, the teamsters pulling the load were found bound and unconscious by the side of the road, with a Zap apple stuffed in each of their mouths. Accounts of first responders hearing faint shouts of, '¡Viva Zas-ata!' have not been confirmed."
PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISN'T A SELF-INSERT!!
4143992
I'd think the zap apples would be a pretty big clue as to the perpetrators' identity, seeing as how there's only one known source of them in Equestria.
4131938
Are you a sorry sucker and this happens all the time?
4140477
Stupid sexy Lag...No... I'm here to...
Offer you a job.
Hopefully, you'll die in the process.4144140
"Eeyup."
Very funny story.
Oh and isn't it ironic that when I finish reading this chapter, an ad for coffee appears at the bottom.
I would say Celestia help us...
But it looks like she's the one who needs help! XD
Maybe my coffee needs a small dash of Chaos...
4142981
You have no idea how hard it was to not put a Holy Grail reference in this.
4143691 ... Get out of my face. (not serious XD) Seriously though, I love apple soda.
static4.fjcdn.com/comments/Girls+und+Panzer+was+more+entertaining+than+it+had+any+_199bc10b5c5cc64d60cded3c3fe91140.png To the revolution
FUS-RO-DAH