• Member Since 20th Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen Last Monday

Azure_Shadow


I write about high school girls on a site about ponies...nope, nothing out of the ordinary here.


T

Things have changed in Canterlot High after the events of the Fall Formal. Sunset Shimmer no longer bullies anyone, and the school is now free from her iron grip and all are happy about it. Well...everyone except Sunset Shimmer herself. Even after multiple events to atone for her previous actions, most students won't do anything but shoot her a cold glance. For the first time in her life, Sunset Shimmer feels alone and unwanted in the world. This may all change when the last person she'd ever expect to speak to again asks her one question.

"Um..are you ok?"

Special thanks to pre-readers Tidal, CogWing, and BRyeMC

Super special thanks to my amazing artist friend Scootafail, who did the mega awesome cover art for this fic!
Also tons of thanks to my good friend Kestrel for editing. You're awesome man!
Story takes place after Equestria Girls. Friend Shipping SunShy. (No clop!!)

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 54 )

:pinkiesad2: Aw the feels.... there's so many

This is a good story! :yay:
I feel rude to point this out, because it is so good, but here goes:

"Your sorry?" is all she could ask.

It should be "You're". (please don't shoot!)

4202130 that's ok! Glad you liked it! Don't forget to like and fav!:pinkiehappy: (points Maud Pie Launcher in your direction)

I'm mentioned!

I'm glad you let me take a look at this early so I can help in anyway. It was a great story that had some feels.

4202310 thanks for helping! I'm kinda shocked it's done so well overnight! Kinda torn on how it already has 1/2 my big project's likes in not even one day. Maybe I'll write a sequel?

4202330 You could, but most one shots are like that. I personally wouldn't try to force any stories, but that's your choice. You're the author. :raritywink:

4202343 yeah, maybe just leave as is. I just had an idea for a comedy spoof where Fluttershy tries on Sunset Shimmer's leather jacket and ends up going to school wearing it. Idk what it'd be about maybe just more people noticing her due to her having it on or other funny moments.

4202130 (puts Maud Pie Launcher away) :rainbowlaugh:

4202422 Phew. :twilightblush: (this is meant as wiping sweat -->) :facehoof::facehoof:

I love it! The only thing I'd have to say I'd that there is a difference between "weather" and "whether". It's fine if it was a little mistake once but I saw you used it later on. 'The weather is nice.' or 'Whether or not she wanted to attend the party was still unknown.'

Sunsetr decided to leave it at that as Fluttershy started to roll out the sleeping bag on the floor and put the pillow on it. Both girls were silent until Sunset decided to try and make small talk with the girl

you need to remove hat extra r otherwise i think its fine. Good Job

Really nice but I found several typos and grammatical mistakes. You might want to consider getting an editor. Other than the technical errors, the story is very nice.

Even the trees losing their trees seemed very serene in her eyes, like they were taking a break from showing off their beautiful leaves the rest of the year.
(Trees don't lose their trees)

"Wait wait wait, you're inviting ME into YOUR home to spend the night? You do remember that I was the girl who made you her whipping boy for the last three years, why on earth would you invite me over?"
(Whipping boy? She's a female. Should be whipping TOY)

" Just call me Sunset Simmer. And yeah, vegetarian food is fine." Sunset replied
(Shimmer, not simmer. Simmer down, Sally)

"Y-yeah, that woman in the picture is my mother." she silently replied. "But....well, she....she isn't exactly.....with us anymore."
(Silent means no sound. You can't silently reply to someone. You can quietly reply, or softly, but not silently)

"O-Oh....I'm.......I'm so sorry." she chocked out as her face gained a look of regret and sorrow. Fluttershy noticed this look and spoke once more.
Fluttershy chocked out a quiet thank you before returning to her food.
(For both of these, It is spelled Choking, not Chocking

She and Fluttershy cleaned the table, dumped the garbage, and gave the plates and silverware to Dr.Shy who put them into a nearby dish washer.
(Should be a comma after Dr. Shy. Also, there should be a space between all Dr's and Shy's)

It was only with the curb stomping that Princess Celestia's newest student Twilight Sparkle and her friends delivered to her that she realized something she was trying despratley to ignore ever since she first wound up here.
(Desperately)

The fact that Sunset's favorite whipping boy is showing her such gracious hospitality still bothered her greatly
(Again, whipping toy. Not boy)

"S-sorry Sunset, I didn't mean to. I just got a sleeping bag and pillow. Do you mind sleeping in here with me? Our guest room is so full of my dad's old junk that you can barley set foot in there."
(Barely. Barley is a plant)

"Oh, Angel doesn't like is cage,
(His. Not is)

Fluttershy put it plainy. "Because you needed a place to stay during this blizzard. I wouldn't let anyone stay out in that."
(Plainly. You forgot the L)

Sorry, but I couldn't let these mistakes go unnoticed. :twilightblush: other than the mistakes, I love the story. The feels :pinkiesad2:

Also, you might want to break the first two paragraphs into parts, I kept getting lost. Maybe make the two paragraphs into four?

4224107 Thank you for informing me of all these mistakes, I greatly appreciate it.:twilightsmile: I'm gonna have to fire my editor now. Walks in front of a mirror "Me, you're fired!:trixieshiftleft:"

Just goes to show some people can't self edit for shit.:twilightsheepish: Still thanks for enjoying the story, I'm surprised it doesn't have more dislikes.

Hehe I don't why you were so surprised by the attention this story got :twilightsmile: I can definitely see why. I'm a terrible editor so I can't really help point out errors, but the story was very warm and heartfelt:eeyup:

You really drew out the feeling of the characters well. Sunset and Fluttershy were perfectly contrasted and the difference really added to the story.

One thing that I heavily enjoyed was your environment descriptions. I could really picture everything around them. It's something I myself am not particularly good at. I pride myself in my character actions and dialogue writing (and yours were superb here too :rainbowkiss:), but I've always struggled with environment. This is story is a good example and I will probably reference it in the future :raritywink:

And of course, THEM FEELS. Great job all around :yay::eeyup:

4224825 Thanks man, means a lot coming from you.:pinkiesad2: I really need to work on my dialog writing and character actions myself. That's something I wanted to practice with this story and I think I did an ok job.:twilightsmile:

So, I saw this had 399 views and I wanted to read it again, so I clicked on it and I'm the 400th viewer! Yes!

4357865 only 100 away from 500!:pinkiehappy:

The feels from this story:fluttershysad: Really liked the redeemed sunset in this fic.

4512879 I'm a fan of Sunset Shimmer, and I wanted to write a friend shipping fic with her. Fluttershy immediately came to mind.:scootangel:

4512893 Really dont seem to find many stories giving her a redeemed look out there but i have to say i have a thing for former bad girls. Its my guilty pleasure.

4512901 I've read quite a few Sunset redemption fics. And I'd say Sunset is one of my fav ponies.

I've never read friendshipping. I should read more.

This was quite good. I like how you made Shimmers character progression to good guy be pretty tough for her. (Anything that reminds me of the Killers "All these things that I've done" is worth an upvote)

But the thing that sticks with me is...

She takes the time to apologize for the bullying, but NOT the whole fiery demon bent on world domination thing?

4771893 I'm glad you enjoyed it, and yeah....I guess I didn't have her apologize for that.:twilightsheepish: I guess I was just having Sunset apologize. She did say that she was sorry for everything though.

That was so cute! I feel all warm inside! thanks for the story!

4512906

Sunset is only your favorite pony cause sunset is the best pony, silly filly!:pinkiecrazy:

70th like. No longer has 69.

5116477 :yay: (feel free to read it, some feels reside here.)

The feels, they are real. :fluttercry:

5157678 Thank you, in glad you think so.:twilightsmile:

Well, that was a fun ride! :pinkiehappy: Fluttershy and Sunset are a good friendship, they work so well together because of their contrasting personalities.
And Clam is right, you're really good at describing environments. You tell just enough for the reader to get a clear picture of the setting. I like describing environments myself, but I tend to "over describe" them (too much unnecessary details)..... :facehoof:
I'm a detail freak okay! :rainbowlaugh:
Though there were some errors, like double space, or no space at all, and missing capital letters, the grammar is overall pretty good. (Of course, this is before you applied the edits, so you may have corrected them already. Still, Kes said that I found some errors he didn't, that's my inner detail nazi talking. :rainbowwild:)

I really liked how you wrote Sunset Shimmer, her redemption struggle is very believable (fits very well with her conflict in RR too :raritywink:). You making Fluttershy only have a father was a nice change from what I've seen others do to her parents, plus, it's great that you didn't go with the; late parent cliché. Having Flutters mother to have left her and her father was something I did not expect honestly. Points to you good sir. :moustache:

A Friend to All was a nice read for me and deserve all the attention it has gotten. It had some feels, but didn't move me all that much. I didn't feel the emotional attachment.. Or maybe I'm just cold. :derpytongue2:
Anyway, I think you did a good job on this one! Can't wait to read the rest of your stories, this made your other fics seem promising. :scootangel:

Sorry I took so long to get to this one... but things stack up... I've gotten a lot more requests as of late, and I kinda put this one on the back burner because it was a retroactive edit... :fluttershyouch:

Sorry again... :fluttershbad:

Man, I really wanted to like this story. The concept was there. The pacing was there. The character development was mostly there.

But the writing just wasn't. Your grammar was pretty shaky, and your narration was pretty weak. When the powerful moments in the story happened, they instead felt dull and ended up lacking the punch they needed to be effective.

5188983 You say as you put the story in your "Things I Liked" shelf.:trollestia:

Well thank you for the constrictive critisism anyways, and I'm glad you chose to look at this fic for what it's worth.:twilightsmile:

5189025

Things I Liked:
Exactly what it says on the tin, though it is a pretty loose definition. Maybe "vaguely enjoyed" would be a better way to put it.

:trollestia:

5189034
fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/265/a/d/discord_shrug_by_xxkawaiibananaxx-d5flebl.png

(Sorry, I wanted to use one of Sunset Shimmer but apparently there isn't one, so here's the big D himself to fill in.)

5189048
You're forgiven. :rainbowwild:

5189068 Good, Discord makes everything better.:eeyup:

Pinkie.....well, Pinkie is incapable of hate

:rainbowlaugh: so true

5336808 Well I have been toying around with the idea of a friendshipping fic about another pair of girls in the EqG-verse.:ajsmug:

5337467 awesome, i look forward to it! :twilightsmile:

You should do a version of this were Sunset still goes to the mill and Apple Jack finds her because she was going to check on the mill before the storm!

Decent idea, execution could be better. It's not bad, but there's lots of little things that could use polish. Like a few huge paragraphs that should probably be broken into at least two separate ones and some really odd phrasing at times ("whipping toy" is not a phrase, "whipping boy" is and means someone who takes a beating for the crimes of others who the one doing the beating cannot touch). Lots of other little things: some incorrect capitalization, calling Sunset Shimmer S.S. in your third-person narration, some tense errors. Nothing huge or story-breaking but enough put together to degrade the overall feel of the fic a little.

A nice fic which made me smile. A little clunky, okay, a lot clunky, but nothing painful or detestable.

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