Hey, there! Name's Nom dePlume, but you can call me Nommie if you like. I pride myself on my writing, so constructive criticism is welcome. Feel free to tell me what you think of my stuff!
When a stallion from Applejack's past turns up as a farmhoof looking for a season's work, her simple life is turned on its head. To add to the chaos, a mysterious blight is sweeping across Equestria, and only Applejack has a clue as to what's going on.
In a race against time to save Equestria from starvation, can Applejack set aside her confusion and focus on what's important? Or will she let her tangled priorities distract her, and throw the empire into ruin?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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So. This... Isn't half bad. In fact, it's not bad at all. However. It needs a LOT of work. Find yourself a proofreader, an editor or both, and this has a chance of turning out very good.
The issue is your technical work. As it stands, this isn't a fic. You submitted a large, awkward, random assemblage of sentences. If fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours dearly seemed to be placed on the screen against their will. Reading through this was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interact at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. When you hit 'submit', you did not submit a fanfic. You submitted a hostage situation.
This has potential, don't get me wrong. You've actually gotten my attention with the premise and story itself.
However. It needs a LOT of technical work.
Comrade, listen to Barata. Barata is wisdom. Barata is honest. Barata is unflinching.
Tell me, WHY is your "official" first chapter shorter than your prologue by a factor of 2?
4783688 that's actually another point I was going to bring up. If you're going to release a chapter, it needs to be solid. Give us about 3000 words, average. You want us to favourite your fic? Give us a good solid chunk to read.
People will actually unfavourite stuff if the chapter updates are too short, because it feels like our time is being wasted.
Again, please don't take this as 'never write again' or shit like that. If I didn't think you had the potential to make this great I'd just ignore it, even if I liked the premise.
You have a good narrative voice, and you can follow the plot well enough. It just needs work.
I just gave you my follow in anticipation that you write more and improve over time. If you can produce 5000 words of good stories before the beginning of September, I'll give a shoutout to you in a promotional blog. Each your success. You are very capable.
4783708 Do you agree with this, Barata?
4783736 Agreed. I'll do the same.
Adventure tag sounds interesting. I like where this is going, please, continue
Holy cow, this got a lot of attention in a short time. 0__0
4783736
4783672
In truth, the first chapter wasn't supposed to be submitted yet. I wrote it late at night, and must've hit the button by mistake. I usually have my brother proofread stuff for me before it goes up. I'll take it down for editing right away.
Thank you all for the support and advice! It really means a lot.
Cool! love it! but why is AJ so mad? also I like that nickname 'Jackie' cute!
4865656
You'll see. I can't tell you everything now, or there wouldn't be any reason to write the rest!
4865935 AWWWWW!
oh well YAY MORE CHAPTER!!! 
Oooh. It's getting interesting
4870684
Yup. Things'll continue to pick up as the actual adventure part gets started. I can't wait to see how you all react! ^_^
Applejack? y u so rude?
also when Stone finally fought back she was like "No way take it off! 
" and he was like. "Make me! 
" and I was like. "
OH SNAP! 
"
And who is Winny? OH OH is it Winona?
4932733
Yes, that's Winona. I thought it would be a bit clearer than that. Should I change it?
4932966 I don't know I just confused me a little because I haven't heard her being called Winny so.. if she has been called that then others should get it its just I haven't heard that before so..