- Member Since 11th Nov, 2013
- offline last seen April 17th
Xhoral1865
Hi, I'm Xhoral. I attempt to write stories. Wish me luck!
Xhoral1865
Joined 11th Nov, 2013 ·
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This was genius! Really, I liked it a lot. The word choice was great, and it read so fluently.
Great job!
Edit: About the tag... Maybe 'sad' would be an option? (it does feel like it could work, and 'sad' fics can have a happy/bittersweet ending)
4121787 Im not entirely sure sad applies. It is somber, and serious in its depiction of nightmare moon, but i don't think it has the hallmarks of a sad fic.
I do agree with you that the writing is pretty good.
4121854
I guess you're right on that. What would you suggest then?
4121873 looking at whats available, Sad IS the closest fit. i just dont like that because the stroy does not have the neccesary hooks to warrant it, in my opinion. i dont feel like the story is trying to put me into a particular mood, but rather put me into the mindframe of nightmare moon, which is a mostly pensive mindset.
my recomendation is to just leave it as AU. no tags are neccesary because no tags fit well enough.
I suppose that an argument could be made for the Sad tag, so feel free to make it, for the author's benefit.
4121963
Well, what happened to Nightmare Moon/Luna is tragic (being locked away on the moon for a thousand years), but even though the story mentioned that in a way, that wasn't the point here.
You're right, one tag is fine.
4121787
4121963
4122410
Thanks a lot guys/girls, it really tickles my pride that y'all like it.
Interesting take on Nightmare Moon as a completely separate entity from Luna, not as just an alternate personality. I liked it and I liked the style. Good job!
4125250
To be honest, I'm wasn't really sure how I wanted to portray NMM. I just sorta wrote the whole thing on an impulse after seeing the picture and that there was contest for it.
Gave it a read, I liked it. I like your idea of NMM and her prison. Very good.
4125866
Thank you.
Read-Later'd for future enjoyment.
4126452
Awesome.
Nice short read of Luna and NMM.
4138242
Thanks!
I see .....so that's what it.
For many of us Luna was seen as a tragic figure, she made an error, sure, but her punishment only made her angrier, and turned her into Nightmare moon.
It isn't revealed (at least in the show, I heard there's an explanation in the comics) where and how Nightmare Moon's energy comes from, and what it does to fuse her with Luna, my theory was, it was repressed anger of a 1000 years, or maybe she was NM before she was banished, I don't really know.
The way you portray "The creature" or "Nightmare Moon" as an entity a being, a perhaps not living but ultimately a thing that can feel, I had never thought of it that way...it's unusual but....I quite like it.
I normally don't read too many Luna fanfics. But I like this one, favorite.
4148003
Thanks a lot!
Greetings, Xhoral1865! Here begins the review you requested from WRITE.
You're mixing up its and it's. Possessive pronouns never have apostrophes. Ever. You don't say your's or min'e or their's or hi's, so why it's? You have the same issue with your chapter title.
Not quite, since you described it as full of fallen and decaying trees. It's rather nice that you took some time to establish her surroundings at least a bit, but I'd encourage you to flesh it out more, since it's creating atmosphere as well. And then don't belittle that work by saying nothing's there. Also note how many "to be" verbs you've already used. These are inherently boring verbs. I'd rather read about what happens that what is. You should be using more active verbs.
This is pretty repetitive to what you said earlier about the fallen and decaying trees. It could work, but it needs something to set it apart from that description so that it tells me something new. That first comma is a splice, too. It separates two things that could stand as separate, complete sentences.
Another comma splice. There are a number of ways to fix one, like changing the comma into a period, semicolon, or dash, depending on the flow and inflection you want.
Hyphenate your compound modifiers. This says something entirely different from "tendrils of light-absorbing blackness," which is what you want.
These are pretty contradictory. I'll also say that a lot of this description is quite repetitive. You've said multiple times each that this place was cold and lonely. Repetition for effect can be done, but you're not carrying it as a thematic element or coming at it from different angles. You're just saying it over and over again.
Since she says this after her exile had begun, you're asserting that she wasn't called Nightmare Moon until after she was on the moon? I'm not going to go back and watch the episodes to see if she was ever called that beforehand, so you may be in the clear, but she at least gained that name before Luna returned, so she wouldn't have known about it in the interim, and yet she's not surprised to be called that in the series pilot, so it still comes across as odd either way.
Wow, this really sounds like part of a story I wrote long ago and still haven't published...
You have a verb form that's off here. I will also say that the language feels odd here. That's always a tough thing to explain, but this sentence is very simplistic in its construction and word choice. It almost feels like something spoken by a child. Yet Nightmare Moon likes to speak in a decidedly grandiose manner. You're veering into a narrative voice that doesn't match what we know of her. It's a good idea to have your narrator at least in the ballpark of intelligence level, vocabulary, and word choice of the focus character.
Ah, okay. We get an explanation now. Carry on, as long as you have her warm up to the name eventually, since its usage didn't upset her in canon.
That's some repetitive phrasing. Watch for using the same words or phrases in a close space.
You don't actually need a comma here, since it's just a second verb for the original subject, and it's not particularly complex or lengthy.
I already see the main problem this story is going to have. Here's the emotional meat of the story. This is where you establish the relationship that will be the crux of the conflict. But by giving me all the information through a narrative infodump, you're keeping me distanced from it. I'm just supposed to accept as a fact that they get to know each other. Prove it to me. An action has a lot more meaning to me if I witness it, or at least witness the fallout from it. This is really information that you need to show me in real time, somehow. Take me back to when it happened, show it in a flashback, or allude to it by anecdotes told from your characters' perspectives. As pure narration, it really has limited emotional impact, because we don't see the effect it has on the characters, and character is what really drives the story. I don't read this story to know they're friends. I read it to watch them act like friends.
Misused semicolon. The main use of one is to separate independent clauses. In other words, you should be able to change it to a period and have both parts stand as complete sentences, and "Nightmare Moon" is not a complete sentence. Since you're giving a definition or clarification here, a colon would be appropriate.
I gather that you're trying to make her sympathetic here, but this makes it sound like she didn't even realize she was coming across that way. And yet she sends Celestia away, threatens the population, and laughs evilly at the prospect of eternal night. It's not going to be an easy task to explain all that. You have tagged this AU, but there are so many things that can entail. It's not automatic that I'd know to disregard that canon, unless you're more explicit about making it obvious that's the case.
While it's certainly acceptable to use sentence fragments for effect, This one doesn't fit the rhythm of what's around it. They're better used for follow-up comments, action, or disjointed thought, and you don't have any of that here. I'm not even sure you realized you did it.
Yet another comma splice and its/it's mix-up. You should get the picture by now. I'm not going to mark any more.
Maybe this is more revisionist history, but there's no clear point to doing so. Earth ponies predated Equestria and Nightmare Moon's possession of Luna, so I have no idea why she wouldn't be aware of them.
What I said before about facts being less powerful than witnessing something applies to emotions especially. Knowing that she's ecstatic is one thing, but seeing that she's ecstatic is quite another. When you describe how she looks and acts in a way that you get me to deduce that she's ecstatic without saying it outright, it has much more impact on me. This is the classic "show, don't tell" problem. Put yourself as an observer there, and don't tell me your conclusions. Just relay what evidence you'd have, including her expression, body language, speech, and other things a witness would notice, then let me interpret them. If you've done your job, I'll get where you want me to go.
You essentially have a double negative in there that changes the meaning.
Typo.
Missing an apostrophe.
"Some way" needs to be two words, and you have a number agreement problem: "way" (singular) -> "were" (plural).
i think the big problem here should be pretty obvious by now. The entire story is told via detached narration. I made this mistake myself as an inexperienced writer. It's like the difference between seeing a concert in person and reading about it in the newspaper afterward. Events have much more power when I experience them than when I'm merely aware of them. The strength of a story is in its characters, and I never get to know yours. The narration even lacks a personal voice, as if told from one of the characters' mindsets. An objective narration is certainly a viable option in a story, but you have to get at the characters' emotions somehow, and that's another avenue for doing so. You have to get the reader engaged with the characters, so the two main orders here are: Put this in a perspective where you relate not only what happens, but how the characters feel about it. It can still be an objective viewpoint if you want, but you have to get at the characters' emotions, and since you use a construct where Nightmare and Luna can share thoughts, you can touch on both of their feelings. Second, relay those emotions in a subtle way by getting me to infer them from the context of how they behave, not by explicitly telling me what those emotions are.
Next order of business: conflict. You have a weak one here, in that Nightmare manages to change her outlook on her surroundings at the end. But it's a very effortless thing for her. It just happens because she wills it so. There's no struggle. The characters at the end of the story are the same as the characters at the beginning. What's at stake here? What are the characters willing to do to achieve their goals, and what bad thing will happen if they don't? How have these characters changed as a result of their experiences? There are a small number of stories that can thrive without conflict. For most, that's the impetus keeping the story moving. Without that, you have a scene here, but not really a story. Like I said, there is a conflict here, but it's underwhelming. Play it up more, show me how the characters feel about it, make it something they have to strive for instead of just achieve it by effectively flipping a switch, and draw it out more so the conflict isn't defined and solved within a scant few paragraphs.
I won't rehash the mechanical things. Basically, if I had to poke you about something multiple times, it needs attention. Repetition was the thing that stood out to me most.
Lastly, and I touched on this before, beware using an AU tag as carte blanche to break canon. It warns me that you're going to deviate from canon (about which you're kind of in a gray area, anyway), but you still have to do something to show me how the differences make sense. For example, say an author wants to make Rainbow Dash timid. If she acts that way the entire time, such that the author could have invented an original character instead without hurting the story, then that's not Rainbow Dash. If he justifies why she's acting that way, like making her the victim of a mind swap or placing her in a crossover where the event that makes her who we know from canon hasn't happened yet, then the AU tag is an extension of her character, not an excuse to disregard it.
Your mechanics are definitely above average, and you have a knack for setting a mood, so good job with those.
Keep writing and have fun with it!
fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/349/4/b/reviewer_logo_longver03_01_by_burrakupansa-d5o60h2.png
Pascoite, WRITE's mineral
4150402
Thanks for the review. I'll take all of this into consideration.
I want to be able to write this quality so fast! 90 minutes, seriously?
You native speakers, you!
Personally, I'd prefer some sort of cut between scenes when they're long and jump in time. I'm not saying I know how to do this properly, but going to past perfect and then back to simple past deeper in the flashback doesn't feel right to me. It might be a little confusing when exactly the view moves between the dreamscape, the prison after the elements hit, and the moon.
Overall, it was a pleasant read. The depiction of "the creature" is great, details such as its take on names really spice it up. To me, it's a little sad that the whole of it doesn't lead anywhere, but maybe that is a matter of taste.
(Saw you in the group "I Just Want A Comment" and figured I'd comment.)
4169046
Thanks for commenting on it.
Hmm, the sequences seem hard to follow? I'll see what I can do!
Really nice story. I'm just going to drop the Review Link here if you don't mind.
4150402
Capitalization error in a WRITE review? Whoa! That's a first!