Sideboard of Harmony

by FanOfMostEverything

The ETSAB and You

Introduction to the Equestrian Time-Space Administration Bureau
Unofficially annotated by Agent Lyra Heartstrings

The Equestrian Time-Space Administration Bureau does what ponies have always done: guide the natural world towards greater harmony. The only difference is what the Bureau guides. As you may have guessed from the organization's name, we ensure that time flows and space expands. That future follows past and here leads to there.

It's every bit as difficult and thankless as it sounds.

When the ETSAB was founded and how long it has existed are simple questions with very complex answers. In an organization where time travel may be so routine as to be part of an agent's "daily" commute, a definite origin point is hard to come by. Furthermore, while on assignment, some agents may experience years or even decades in subjective time when only days have passed according to the calendar, or vice versa!

Thankfully, that's all the Time Division's problem, so you and I don't have to worry about that kind of horseapples. Usually.

Confidentiality

Given the incredibly sensitive and vital nature of the ETSAB's work, we remain a top state secret. Only those with Princess-level security clearance or higher are permitted to know of our existence. Anyone with unauthorized knowledge of the Bureau will be subject to memory alteration as per the Temporaspacial Security Act of 4917.

It makes sense, really. Weather ponies get bugged all the time as it is. Imagine if you knew somepony who could literally give you an hour of their time! Oh, and the whole "use for evil" thing.

However, this does not mean that agents are expected to live as traceless nonentities! While the ETSAB does offer comfortable, subsidized living quarters for those who want them, agents are free and encouraged to live their lives normally. We use a number of tried-and-tested hypnotic, psychomantic, and other methods to ensure inactive agents don't accidentally divulge confidential information. Ask your supervisor about the options available to you.

Note that they don't say where the housing is, or the side effects of those methods.

Scope

Despite the name, the ETSAB doesn't just worry about Equestria. We keep the whole universe running! As such, you have full diplomatic immunity when on assignment (and only on assignment!) We provide all necessary transportation in both space and time so you can focus on the task at hand.

On the other hand, that diplomatic immunity rarely extends to other timelines.

As such, moving is never necessary when accepting a position in the ETSAB. Rest assured, no matter where or even when your Point A, we can get you to Point B.

Bureau Structure

The following list identifies each of the divisons, deparments, and offices of the Equestrian Time-Space Administration Bureau.

Time Division Division Administrator: Second Hand
Department of Causal Affairs Head of Department: Dr. John Smith
Office of Maintenance Executive Officer: Trouble Shoot
Makes sure history stays as it should.
Office of Posterity Executive Officer: Clay Tablet
Keeps records so the OoM knows how history should be.
Office of Enforcement Executive Officer: Spoiler Alert
Cracks down on unscrupulous time travelers.
Department of Chronomantic Concerns Head of Department: Time Twister
Office of Voluntary Transit Executive Officer: All Aboard
Gets you when you need to go.
Office of Dislocation Executive Officer: Encino Mare
Helps ponies who are in the wrong time.
Office of Desynchronization Executive Officer: Burst Bubble
Helps ponies who are experiencing time oddly.
Department of Anomalous Affairs Head of Department: Closed Loop
Office of Investigation Executive Officer: Deep Analysis
Figures out what's going on with wide-scale weird time stuff.
Office of Resolution Executive Officer: Quick Fix-It
Fixes wide-scale weird time stuff.
Office of Precedence Executive Officer: Bronze Tablet
Records what fixed weird time stuff for future reference.
Department of Metacommunications Head of Department: Express Delivery
Office of Tardyonic Communications Executive Officer: Post Box
Sends messages that arrive after they're sent. You technically work for them.
Office of Tachyonic Communications Executive Officer: Second Degree
Sends messages that arrive before they're sent.
Office of Achronic Communications Executive Officer: Exact Change
Sends messages that arrive exactly when they're sent. This comes up more often than you'd think.
Space Division Division Administrator: Inner Core
Department of Quantum Affairs Head of Department: Steady Handlebars
Office of Parallel Timelines Executive Officer: Myriad Ways
Coolest office.
Office of Improbabilities Executive Officer: Golden Bale
Handles spontaneous chaos magic outbreaks and other unlikely events.
Office of Ontological Ambiguity Executive Officer: Problem Sleuth
Makes stuff exist. Or not. It's weird; ask Pumpkin.
Department of Extraplanar Affairs Head of Department: Rose Waterlily
Office of Eldritch Beings Executive Officer: Lost Scroll
Deals with that which pony was not meant to know. High employee turnover.
Office of Interplanar Transit Executive Officer: Culture Clash
You consult for these guys, so second-coolest office.
Office of Interplanar Communications Executive Officer: Greeting Card
Finally has something to do now that you're around.
Department of Cosmic Affairs Head of Department: Glorious Dawn
Office of Extraplanetary Travel Executive Officer: Eva Houston
Handles the really big teleports.
Office of Extraplanetary Life Executive Officer: Robin Berry
Hey, you never know.
Office of Sidereal Management Executive Officer: Coriander Pinch
Handled the stars and such before Luna came back. She's co-opted it for her own purposes.
Department of Magical Concerns Head of Department: Rubber Sheet
Office of Translocation Executive Officer: Round Trip
Handles intraplanetary teleportation.
Office of Subdimensions Executive Officer: Dust Speck
Manages the little things.
Office of Hyperspace Executive Officer: Great Beyond
Manages the big things.

There's also the Oversight Division, but no one knows much about them. They're there to make sure none of the rest of us go mad with power. Exactly how they go about doing that, I don't know, but the universe hasn't collapsed so far.

We're sure you will become an invaluable part of what keeps the world safe, stable, and sensical. Thank you in advance for all your hard work.

Princess Mi Illusione Prudenza, Bureau Chief

Welcome to the team, Ditzy, and good luck. You're probably going to need it.

Author's Note:

This chapter is, among other things, an experiment in audience participation. If there's something you want to know that I didn't include here, ask in the comments. The answer will either be added to the text, or it will be classified information.

Comments

[Masterweaver]

Office of metaphsyical resolutions: Whenever something from the baseline contridicts our reality, these guys deal with it.

[G S tol Kriaal]

So I'm guessing that L Lariat fellow Pumpkin mentioned a couple chapters back is with the Office of Investigation?

[nemryn]

3685492
Probably not actually a good idea, given that baseline Equestria doesn't have an ETSAB.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Oh yeah, I should respond to comments, shouldn't I?

3685492
Nah, it's more a joint effort between the Offices of Maintenance and of Parallel Timelines.

3685646
Correct.

3685647
If you say so. I'm guessing there's a reference here.

3685977
Thank you. Fixed.

[Proginoskes]

3711006 I believe Alaborn is referencing the low mana cost of Time Walk as compared to more modern "extra turn" spells.

Regarding this document/chapter, Lyra's aside of Luna having "co-opted for her own purposes" the Office of Sidereal Management collided with the amount of Exalted fiction I've been reading lately to produce the idea that Luna is working with the five Planetary Sisters to imbue mortal ponies with a fraction of their powers, creating Sidereal Exaltations. Probably not the case, but it's there in my brain. Chosen of Battles, especially, would have been handy to have around for the Wedding Debacle.

[FanOfMostEverything]

3962862
...
How in the name of the Unconquered Sun's fifth arm did I miss that?

And speaking of Exalted, thankfully, Exaltations probably won't be necessary. With Faust and Discord both spending a timeout as magical artifacts, the only creature on Ungula who might qualify as a Primordial is Pinkie Pie, and who would want to overthrow her? Or kill her fetich, especially since that has a good chance of resulting in Pinkamena, She Who Lives in Her Cupcakes.

Yeah, let's avoid that. (And maybe file it away as a potential story idea. Mane Six as Primordials. Spike as Autochthon? This does bear consideration...)

[Proginoskes]

3962968 Except for the whole "needing wielders" thing, and not having sub-souls of their own, the Elements do a pretty good impression of Third-Circles. (Magic and Chaos are the Fetiches of Faust and Discord, respectively.) Alternatively, Ungula is Pinkie's world-body, and she duplicated Theion's Twin-Fetich trick, making the Elements Second-Circles.
Yeah, Igniting as a Pre-Mending Planeswalker is like jumping straight from Mortal to Devil-Tiger.

[JAPH]

I take it from the flourish on her signature that Prudence is Sailor Princess Jupiter?

[Malandy]

I guess the most public face of the ETSAB is the Office of Tardyonic Communications...

I wonder what the Office of Translocation does... are teleporters licensed in your universe like they are in the cynical butterfly dimension?

And the Archives, are the property of the Department of Causal Affairs?

How much did the 5 Sisters do for Equestria? I suppose the Guards were formed through the efforts of Vigilance?

What did Celestia actually do for Equestria, other than just be the highest level of legal authority? ... Does her Mark just mean "Control the Sun", or is it more than that, and gives insights into ruling and understanding her subjects or something?