• Member Since 22nd Oct, 2011
  • offline last seen April 12th

Unahim


Comments ( 1467 )

sounds awesome

Don't read if you hate the Saw series, or can't stand gore.

16850 It's a Mature submission, sub-category "gore", with the dark, sad and tragedy tags, and an "-extremely- grimdark" warning in the text itself.
If that's not enough for people to expect gore, then I don't know what to say :p

What.... My god. That was. That was very intense. I don't think I'll be resting easy tonight sir.

I'm trembling right now as I type. I did spot an error though, how did that filly speak when her tongue was all sliced up?

16850
worse than saw, in SAW they kill adults, not childeren, I want to see how it ends

Well...Why bother expressing my opinion on this sort of thing? Everybody's just going to flame me anyway and nobody will listen. I'll be labeled as a troll yet again and everybody will go on blindly agreeing with how awesome it was so... yeah. Nothing I say matters. Just keep going on writing the gore and the schlocky horror. I don't think I care anymore.

I thought this was going to be about some sort of alcoholic depression and that it would be some sort of "rise above it" story.

And then I read the part about it being gorey and the comments.

Not trying to bash you or anything, just a bit disappointed I won't be able to stomach a possible good read.

Erm...
How should I be responding to this?
Disgusted by the gore?
Scared?
Not caring?
Joy?
I'm mostly thinking "The hell Cheerlee. The hell."
And also wondering why the poison and the knife weren't screamed out in total panic at the audience.

Threre needs to be sequel, here it is Cheerlie dies, the end, YAY

Okay. There is something seriously wrong with me. I'm reading this and all I can think of is "...Well, that's not very practical. Like, at ALL. How the hell are you going to clean this up?"

Then shit catches fire and I'm like
"....Cheating bitch."

16871 The poison she actually does try to yell out, but as it is already taking effect AND the audience thinks it is just part of the play, nothing really happens. The knife because she was just too surprised to process it fast enough.

16857 Hey, you're right! Nobody caught that error before, heh. Fixed it now. Thanks!

16867 I knew in advance lots of people would be unhappy with it, so don't worry. I'll only say that this fanfic is based on a series of jokes between me and some other people, and they unfortunately did not involve alcohol or rising above anything :p

16928 I don't think there's anything wrong with you, but then again I wrote this so I may be a bit biased...

You actually posted this.
What the fuck.

16982
No, i mean leap into them or something like that.

17013 Still the same answer, they noticed the poison once it was already putting them to sleep, and Apple Bloom didn't pass past a state of disbelief fast enough to react.
I appreciate your feedback though ^^

17024
Maybe i'm putting myself in their place too much...
BTW: Dammit Cheerilee, stop making garden analogies

16864
NO! COME BACK!
DON'T LEAVE ME TO BE THE ONLY PERSON HERE WHO DOESN'T LIKE THIS!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

17106 You refuse to read it, you pansy!

WoW... don't know which is worse now, this or "cupcakes" but still great for fans of grimdark.

16854

Mother of God... That was beautiful.

Best story ever!

Very gory and well written.

We could have a chapter 2, but I can't think about anything other than Cheerilee herself being tortured by someone who knew. But the feeling of "vengeance" (killing the killer) usually ruins these kinds of stories.

But, you wrote it yourself that this is chapter 1. So I just wait.

I don't know whether to cry, throw up, scream, or laugh. :pinkiesick::raritydespair::applecry::derpytongue2::pinkiesick:

This seems an odd thing to point out, but this is fairly implausible on a few levels. By that I mean implausible in odd, weirdly specific ways. Like... when Scootaloo is in the press, what are the bars underneath her made of? They'd have to be pretty thin mesh to practically liquefy her when she's pushed through, but they're still strong enough to snap bones without buckling or breaking beneath her? Maybe a weave of long, thin knives would work better, if that makes sense. Also, while most of the devices used are possible to construct, if highly unlikely, where does an elementary school teacher find enough acid to completely dissolve two fillies? And again, what is that tank made of that the acid's not eating through it too? It seems somewhere near Ponyville there's a heavy-duty construction company that doesn't ask questions. On top of that, is the backstage of the set as soundproofed as the "garden" beneath? Even if the music did cover up Snails getting crushed and burned (who was playing the music, anyway?), it seems like Snips' death would have attracted more attention. It's practically one of the rules of theatre, in an amature production any unwanted noise backstage can always be heard out front. Perhaps if she threw him down one of the trapdoors to the quieter place, but I guess it's hard to come up with a decent plan when you're enraged out of your mind.
Oh, right. And I am frankly SHOCKED and OFFENDED at this sort of VILE, REPREHENSIBLE DRIVEL. You know, as any right-minded person would be. Ahem. :moustache: Right. Yeah.

Cupcakes, meet your match.
Yeah, no candy for me tonight :fluttershysad:

I recently read Cupcakes, and when I looked up a few video's I saw a comment saying;
Try and read Cheerilee's Garden. It's even worse than Cupcakes. So I did.

I do think you have alot of imagination being able to create scene's like the part with the rats
and the part with Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara.

I think the end was well. A next chapter would probably just ruin it. But I don't know.
Like I said before you do have alot of imagination so you probably would be able to make something out of it.

And as a reply to this being worse than Cupcakes,
that is probably because there is more than one victim at a time. Yes, Cupcakes did have more than one victim, too,
but we just knew their number came up. We never saw them being killed. And I think that's it.
Also, the inspiration is amazing!

You should definitely do something with Pinkie as well, because I'm sure you have the imagination to use her "special" way of thinking!

20648

Ah, about that... I fear FiMFiction just doesn't let you post something without using "chapters". If I get inspiration I'd certainly continue, but it seems well-rounded right now... The only thing I can think of is writing a follow-up where someone discovers some clues leading to Cheer, but I'm not sure I could realistically pull that into a gory horror story, instead of a detective one.
21013

It is my philosophy that fiction should invoke emotions into people that they don't often experience in a stable environment where you're not expected to act upon them, so that you have time to reflect.
If the story invoked that many emotions and is making you think about which one is most appropriate, I'm pleased! ^^

21403

Hey!
About the bars: They only need to be able to take more strain than Scoot's body, so they actually do not have to be too sturdy, and I'm pretty sure you'd have no problem finding any like that IRL. Knives just don't make my skin crawl as much as blunt objects being forced through you, so just for that I'd be against them, but then it'd also be weird that Scoot never realised they were quite sharp during practice...

The acid: I tried to allude to this in the story. The idea is that this is a type of acid used to simply and efficiently remove flesh and such from skeletons, with the express purpose of using the skeletons to make those models you sometimes see in biology classes. In my mind, Cheerilee has several connections in the world of education who could provide her with it. With various sources and with a little bit each time over a couple of months, suspicion should be kept to a minimum.
Also, the tank is made out of glass, as (may or may not) know, there is no acid that dissolves glass.

The music is played by the orchestra that is mentioned at the very start of the story. The crash was most definitely heard out front too, albeit fairly muffled by the walls and the music. So some ponies will have thought "What was that?" but all the remaining actors were either on set or preparing to go in a few minutes, and nopony else was allowed backstage.

And, of course if nothing else will help: A lot of the stuff she had was made with magic, I don't have to explain shit! *wink*

Seriously though, thank you for all your feedback! "Realism" certainly wasn't my biggest goal, I aimed mostly for "realistic enough to enable suspension of disbelief". Anything more than that might've meant tuning down the gore a bit, and nopony wants -THAT-, right? :p

22168

I love my imagination, although I must say, at first I saw all the scenes so vividly in my mind that I had trouble writing the first death in one go, I kept burying my head in my hands.

After that it got easier, practice makes perfect? :p

And yeah, a 2nd chapter if I can think of a cool concept, else I will not ruin it with a half-assed one. I'm actually also working on a (not gory) fic that is in the early planning phases now, so I'm not actively looking to expend this. But if I get a good idea, definitely!

21774

Your words are sweet as candy to me.

:pinkiegasp:It made it here? Awesome.:pinkiehappy:

22820

Are we acquainted?

man... this is a bucked up story... it's like a train wreck once you start reading you can't stop... I'm so very glad i'm not prone to nightmares but just weird dreams that make me question my sanity.:pinkiecrazy:

23576
I forgot to say I liked the story, also what was cheerilee's original plan for snips and applebloom?
was it a choreographed real knife vs fake sword? or something different?

poor snips... I was cheering for him when he started shooting off cutting spells, poor little guy

23577

Well, ok, I guess I can say a little about it... The original fight was very carefully choreographed, in such a way that Cheerilee could be quite certain where both ponies would be at the end of the scene. The fight itself wouldn't have been any different from what the two had rehearsed, but they'd unknowingly manoeuvre each other onto the trapdoors...

I'll leave what would happen after they're drawn into Cheer's little trap up to your own imagination. *malicious grin*

this was worse ( as in tougher to read) then cupcakes, because this (unlike cupcakes in my opinion ) was actually well written , and because it was children I actually had to skip through the last few killing scenes and just skip to the end ugg not a good thing to read fist thing in the morning :twilightoops:

I was quite apprehensive about reading this at first. Sure, I've read Rainbow Factory, Cupcakes, Sweet Apple Massacre, etc., but I mainly avoided this one because it involved picking off the 7 canon colts and fillies in an abhorrent, gruesome fashion.
Eventually the pressure got to me, and I settled down to read this. It's admittedly not as gory as I imagined, but it's still pretty violent and surprisingly engaging. I continued reading, despite my immense repulsion at the methods of death (especially Sweetie's).
Altogether a good read, but only for those who can stomach it.

(I still think Cupcakes is worse, but only by a tiny bit)

I'm about to read it. But tell me...
In SAW series being witty or selective would leave you alive. Does anypony survive here? Or is it just murder left and right? :pinkiecrazy:
In latte case it is just 43% cooler than cupcakes. :pinkiehappy:

*latter

26706

I'm sorry you had to stumble upon this that early, then ^^

27085

Thank you for the review. The main gruesomeness here is perhaps indeed not in the way it was written, but in the methods that were selected. I doubt you'll be surprised to know that most of the planning process went into the methods, and not the parts in between.
Cupcakes on the other hand has a relatively vanilla way of dealing death (a knife and various other cutting implements) but does spend more time on that one scene. Then again, for me Cupcakes was short enough that it wasn't too hard to get through it, because the ending is already in sight when you begin reading. Also it "rushes into it" a bit, I've tried to not do that here, which is why the longest "peaceful" part of the story is at the very front.

27365

Well, the reply section should be expected to be spoilery I suppose, so I think I can safely say that Cheerilee has no desire to let any of them go to rat her out.
It's her or them, so to speak. I'll let you figure out who wins on your own :p

27508
I've finished reading it today (at school, how ironic) and all I have to say is: well done :rainbowkiss:! I could not stop Industrial Metal tunes from popping up with each gruesome torture scene!
I've now realised that my association with SAW series was not right (despite all the "murder machine" stuff) as the killer is not anomymous and is very well known.
The only and one problem with this fic I found was how fast hype is built up, yet that's just me with my Stephen King mania :pinkiecrazy:.
5/5 and you seem to have inspired me to write something about Cheerilee too!

Not trying to be overly critical but I found a typo. F3 and type "Iit" to find it.

That's just me being picky though, this was awesome. :3

i could only make it till after scootaloo :applecry::fluttercry::fluttershysad::raritycry::raritydespair:

27951

Thanks for the kind words!

29629

I love it when people point out typo's, saves me future embarrassment ^^ That said, I couldn't find the one you were referring to :fluttershyouch:

30769

At least you tried, my friend, at least you tried.

It was awesome.

Wow. Reading "Cupcakes", I found myself tearing up at the end (I'm not very good with violence). Reading "The Horror, The Horror!", I found myself confused and trying to make sense of what I had just read. Reading this, however, I had to take a few breaks partway through and even dust off some cigarettes to keep myself calm. A few minutes ago, before I started writing this, I wasn't sure whether I should insult you, or suggest you get help. Then, I realized, neither! This story did what every good story should do: It flooded me with emotions, left me confused, coerced some chuckles, and scared me. It was extremely easy to visualize the different characters acting out their specific roles in this story, and it left me deep in thought for quite a while, and I really can't insult someone for that. So bravo! Although not a story for everyone, "Cheerilee's Garden" was fantastically written, and I do hope that you continue writing for a good while!

:applecry: :fluttershbad: :pinkiegasp: :rainbowderp: :raritycry: :pinkiesad2: :ajsleepy: :twilightoops:

:pinkiesick:

My reaction to this story.

32350

Thanks!

32792

First of all: Thanks for not going with the insults! Believe it or not, in day-to-day life I am quite normal, it was as hard for me to write some of this (especially at first) as it was for you to read it. I'm also glad you realised that about the emotions, I've said it time and time again: I believe there are no emotions that aren't worth being experienced, and fiction gives you a way to experience them without having to undergo the actual situations you'd normally need to be in to experience them. When something scares or disgusts me, I always try to take a moment to analyse that feeling, and I hope people do that here as well.

Also, I currently have the first chapter of a story awaiting approval up here. There's absolutely no gore in it, so I hope a wider range of people will be able to appreciate it ^^

32828

The reply to the guy above you goes here too! Mission accomplished!


Also, as an aside, I've recently learned a lot about punctuation in dialogue, so I've scoured the entire story and fixed ending punctuation of dialogue sentences in roughly 50 places, maybe more.
I'm sure there's a lot of other things that could be improved all throughout the document, but it'd be very time consuming to go through all of it, and I rather focus on new stories. But know that if I find things that I consecutively get wrong all throughout the story, and they're easy to track down, (like for dialogue ctrl + f to look for instance of ." that need to be changed to ," is quite simple) I'll certainly change it! So don't hesitate to tell me about any mistakes.

32874

Um, if you were talking about me, I'm actually a girl. Type-A, Fluttershy-quiet girl.

But I really did enjoy this story. I was just distracted by the ponies on my tool bar. Not only was the writing fantastic, but the death scenes were simply phenomenal. You did an excellent job of description and creativity, demolishing the age-old dissection plot. It was gore-shrouded, but, hey, sometimes that's just what you've gotta go with. Too bad Sweetie Belle had to die. Especially like that.

Good job Unahim, good job!

33478
Heh, well, thanks!
You know it's funny, but one of my pre-readers also had the exact same remark! "It's good, but... Sweetie Belle! Whyyyyyy????" I guess she's popular, or just seen as more "delicate" than the other two?

Oh, and it's always the quiet ones...

33495

Sadly yes. She's just so innocent and delicate and you never want anything bad to happen to her. I shall find these rats that tore her flesh and find my own methods of murder...

If that's all right with you, rats. :fluttershysad:

Erm....

Well, this was certainly shocking :pinkiegasp::pinkiecrazy: It really is always the quiet ones. I applaud the writer for his good writing skills, each scene was painted vividly in my head as I read it, and I was engaged from start to finish, unable to tear my eyes away from the horror unfolding before me. While I generally prefer straight-up horror (i.e., Silent Ponyville) gore fics like this sometimes aren't that bad. This is one of the better ones, and ten times better than Cupcakes imo. I've also read Rocket to Insanity and Rainbow Factory, but this is the best out of all of them.

And before any of you respond saying I'm a sicko for liking stuff like this... why the hell are you reading this story in the first place? Admit it, if you read all the way through the story, you liked it enough that you didn't just go "No." and closed the window. For that matter, what are you doing on the internet? :facehoof:

33623

If you ever write a fic about the rats, let me know :p

34587

Maybe it's like being a closet brony? They need some time to admit they like it! ^^

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