Twilight thought she had perfected the spell. A simple spell to view into other universes, to see what else was out there, but a surge gave her more than she bargined for. It dropped a daughter from another universe, and an annoying, Data eating, virtual pony into her lap. Tasked with getting her daughter from another universe home, learning what is happening in the poor girl's universe, and protecting her books from the little Data Muncher may prove to be too much for just one Unicorn.
Chapters (3)
cool!!! abit fast paced but can be forgiven because it's a first chapter.! *fallowed*
Eh, I like the idea.
The execution is rather rough and rushed and a lot of other things, I'd suggest an editor and a bit more time polishing.
Try to slow down a little bit, this sprints through the chapter and dumps a lot of info way too quickly.
Your grammar isn't too bad, so you just need to focus more on adding more detail and life to what you have. We're not invested in the girl yet, so you need to make us like her, and maybe describe her a little better.
Wow... colored me surprise that something I wrote out of boredom is being liked and favored...
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Yeah, believe me, I know I need to go back and redo the chapter. In truth I'm really not sure why I went ahead and posted it. I'm going to go with the fact that I had very little sleep, wrote it in about ten minutes, and found it incredibly funny at the time. That said, I am going to flesh it out and make Trip a little more rounded.
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Awwwww... You're a sweetheart. Thanks!
I did start working on a second chapter, and I guess that I could go ahead and give a short preview of it. It's only a few paragraphs, but hey, that's better than nothing.
Sweet Child of Mine preview
Thanks,
LF
so cute!!oh! while she's there will she be training with rarity again in the meantime? while they wait on the spell