Twilight studies magic again with Princess Celestia. As she studies, Twilight stumbled upon an interesting scroll in the Princess’s archives. Trouble arises in Ponyville before the Princess can explain. After Ponyville is situated once again, more mysteries confront Twilight about the scrolls she found. Celestia is now faced with how to explain to her student its history without causing her to lose faith.
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It was.....nice
Interesting concept, definitely has potential imho, but you rushed through it way too fast and gave us no time to actually become attached to the characters. On top of that, the way you threw in some of the jokes, like the bananas bit, seemed out of place and killed the flow of the story. As I said, I'd love to see this fleshed out more, but as it stands now it needs a lot of work.
373977 Thanks for the input, ill keep that in mind when I write the next chapter.
374098
Or you could update the first chapter with his constructive criticism :v
it's
interesting i'll continue watching. the premase got me.
374139 i agree with with Nitrox and Reader. this story has high potential but this chapter was far too rushed. if you flesh it out it will be much better :)
Greetings! I took a look at your story. One thing I'm seeing is there's a lot of telling and not a lot of showing. Part of writing a good story is drawing the audience in. In doing this it is important to maintain a good flow and avoid jarring the reader back into reality. For example, in your opening paragraph you refer to the characters as "the mane 6." This title is something we use a lot in the fandom, but they're never referred to by that name in-universe. If you walked up to Lyra and said "Hey have you seen the mane 6 around?" she'd probably look at you like your nose had just fallen off.
Additionally you have something of a non-sequitur in your bananas reference. While the bananas youtube video is pretty funny, it's sort of a hilarious aside to the rest of the universe. It would be strange if say, in the middle of the Lord of the Rings movie, they started playing that goofy "Taking the Hobbits to Isengard" video wouldn't it? You can see how that would break up the mood.
Now, you've received some criticism and that's okay. Everyone gets it. Everyone's developing. So what should you do now? Keep writing! If you enjoy it, above all keep writing! There are a lot of great resources out there to help you improve. Find a buddy that writes, trade ideas and bounce things off each other. Iron sharpens iron. I've got some of my best feedback bouncing paragraphs off of other writers here at FIMFiction. You should also take a look at the Editor's Omnibus over at Equestria Daily. There's a lot of great information there.
Thanks for the input everyone, I guess i'll have to read some more before I can continue to work out the 'rush' feeling from it and also to make the reader feel more connected to the characters.
I'm not the one to make a critique since I'm not really a good writer myself but... I find it short. I do love the concept and all but yes I too think it's a bit rushed as everyone's said already. Anyway, I'm certainly drawn to the story concept so, I'll be waiting for the next chapter