I write pony, eat food, wash, rinse, repeat.
Vinyl Scratch works nearly every night at Club Canturn pumping out music for entertainment. But what happens when she asks her roommate to simply wake her up at three.
Probably not what she was thinking.
Inspired by a not so similar situation that occurred while at a friends house.
image source: http://crombiettw.deviantart.com/art/Vinyl-s-Partied-Out-332744419
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This... right here. This is why I have given you a thumb up.
4082539 Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it!
Bend over you will
4083185 For what I bend over hm?
I was going to say too lazy and not to lazy but...
Octavia beat me to it.
This is good.
4083507 Thanks, glad you enjoyed it!
Selling your soul? Sounds fun.
4083808 Try it sometime, you'll enjoy it.
The only thing I'd criticize is that the dialogue has a bit too much filler.
Short unresolved arguments like these leave the reader wondering what had happened, and only serves to weaken their concentration on the rest of the actual story. It sort of seems like it was added just for the sake of filling more space with banter, and in my opinion it would be better to either omit the back-and-forth, or to actually do something with the idea and provide a quick recount/flashback of a specific event Octavia is referring to.
Anyway, it was a great story regardless. Funny and very unique.
4085333 Thank you, I'll have to remember that for the next one I write (or I could write another short story about it?) Anyway, thanks for reading, glad you liked it
4083212
Talking like Yoda we are?
4086117 MMM, yes young pony. Listen to my wisdom you will.
Wonder how Vinyl will next be awoken, I do
This was amazing, good job :P
4090281 Thank you!
You have no idea how many times I say that in a week...
IT LOOKED LIKE CLOP
IT WASN'T CLOP
I felt like this needed a slightly slower pace. To give an example of what I mean, compare
to, as one of many possible ways to rewrite,
Both take up about the same amount of space and convey the same amount of information, but the latter draws a clear separation between the descriptive part and the dialogue part, making it feel slower. The result is that the description has more time to build in the reader's mind, creating a clearer mental image.
My usual complaint when a story is this fast-paced is that it feels like a script, waiting for actors to bring it to life. To its credit, this story isn't like that--the characters have too much personality. But it does have something of a runny-eggs feel to it, everything blending together with no time to separate it out.
This was terrible and awesome all at once. I'm still laughing.
4085333
I disagree, sometimes leaving things unsaid is the best way to go. It gives the reader something to imagine. :3
4086853
Young I am not
Old I am
Wisdom you have not
Potatoes you need
"Her special brand..."
I have special eyes...
Good story let down by very poor writing.
A lot of potential in this; practice is needed, though.
Ok, gonna pin the tail on the pony right here: this was painful to read. I find the premise fantastic, but the writing was, simply put, absolutely bucking horrible. Knowing myself, I probably won't be able to refrain from editing this myself in a few days; again, however, the story and plot (hehe, plot) was an absolutely brilliant idea.
My apologies if this sounded too harsh, but I think some other ponies agree.
~HM892
4096183
Coming from someone who's username is Yoda249...
"Wise, you are not, failure, you have succeeded in, better insults, you must find."
And I just ate some potatoes. Cause I like them
4094057 I'm the one who gets told it, not in a serious way but as a joke. (I'm that one guy with a really sarcastic sense of humor).
4094543 BUT WAS IT ENJOYABLE!?
4094872 I personally found that the longer and more descriptive I made the story the more it lost its effect and seemed like fluff writing. That's just me though. Thank you for the feedback!
4096183 How many potato?
4096416 I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS COMMENT! THANK YOU!
4096473 It is only the second story I've written after all, though it would be nice if you added some constructive criticism to your comment. You don't have to but it would be nice.
4097104 I appreciate the feedback but it would be nice if there was some constructive criticism in the comment. One of the reasons I began to write was to help better my writing, but I can't do that if I don't know what is wrong (or poorly gone about) in my stories. And it did not offend me, it takes quite a lot to offend me.
4098089
I DONT KNOW I DIDNT READ IT
4098109 I don't know why but I laughed when I read that comment.
4098180
Starbursts.
4098212 Are delicious.
4098354
Indeed.
Coulda sworn this had sex in it... Awesome though.
4098089
Honestly, just reading style guides like this and consistently working with a good editor to refine your writing is all I can suggest.
Your writing consistently made grammar errors, unnecessary read ons, poor narrative choice - now, that makes it sound a lot worse than it is though.
If - when - you write something new whack it in a GDocs and I'd be more than happy to help a potential author work through the messy kinks. Consider it me paying it forward; My first story was on this very site, back when we had a star rating.
Try to imagine the person who wrote this scoring as little as 1.4 stars out of five in as few as two and a bit years ago.
4098089
Right, yes. I was going to be constructive, but I was tired at the time.
So, I'll do it now. I agree with many other ponies here, in that you may need more practice. For example, something as easy as correcting punctuation mistakes by going through the story a few times would be ideal. Or even, correcting the tensing error below:
Now, here it says that Lyra handed (past tense) Octavia a pie (then proceeded to talk without a verb), but the real kicker is that it then says that Octavia nods (present tense) (also talking without a verb). Assuming this was written from a future point of view, a corrected version would be:
Personally, I think that reads a buck-load better than the original, although I do digress that I could've tried a bit harder. However, like I mentioned previously: the story was otherwise fantastic. You still have my upvote sitting in the little box in the corner.
~HM892
4100171 That's a lot of information in that link, I'll have to take a look at it again at a later date when I have more time to read it and truly absorb what it's putting out. And man that's a highly rated story. I'm going to have to read that later as well. Anyways, thank you for the suggestions, I hope to one day be a much better writer than I am currently.
4101350 My grammar does seem to be my biggest problem when I write (or so other have told me.) Switching between home schooling and public school made a huge gap in my grammatical skills and I am literally just starting to learn the majority of the rules in my last two years of high school (all they seemed to care about up until now was us passing the ACT) but that's a part of why I write is to hopefully improve my writing, I love writing I'm just not that great at it which has been noticed by many. And this is actually the version that I read about 7 times before putting it up which only further proves how much room my grammar skills have to grow. Thank you for the read (and up vote).
4098089
Many potatoes you need
Tacos you must give me
Yoda I sound like
4102010
Well, I'm always glad to advise a pony who I feel needs it. I also extend the same offer as MrNumbers as to helping with editing and proofing. Now to get that edit I'm meant to be doing done...
~HM892
This story. Great it it.
7/10
4753984 Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
This was hilarious.
You should do a sequel where Vinyl gets back at Lyra
5719406 I never thought of that before, maybe I should try and write something up soon (I'm currently working on a book about Philosophy but 99.99 percent of it is only written in my head rather than on paper.)
5723453 I already have a bit of an idea for the sequel.
Look at this bit from "Too Many Pinkie Pies" and I think you'll know what it is.
5723514
Lyra would be so mad
Lyra
Vinyl:
5728999 Definitely.
And Octavia would be like:
5729077 Octavia, forever the peaceful one.
5734826 Yup