Ecnalab
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...I feel a bad feel considering this:
is your short description...
yup, im willing to follow this story for now.
the writing isn't bad, the chapter length isnt horrible and i am interested in the story.
its partially a shame that we know she is likely a human, otherwise i could have fun with thinking she's a Fae in disguise. Oh well, it will just take more tinfoil.
I will read this later. I sincerely hope this is good.
Not bad...not bad at all. Will fav to keep track of it.
There are a lot of small grammar mistakes, and several consistently wrong word choices like "witch" instead of "which" or "hear" instead of "here". You should get an editor.
Other than that, not a bad start to the story. I'm a little confused though. Lero has his full herd (Twi, Dash, and Lyra), but Luna is afraid of him? When does this take place in the Xenophilia timeline?
yeah some grammar tweaks are needed, a few times you use the word "vary" instead of "very"
I'm a fan of Xenophilia, so sure, I'll give this a gander. It's a hard standard to live up too though.
Hi there.
Let me go ahead and answer a few questions that are bound to keep popping up.
First of all, I am aware that my grammar isn't the best. I just wanted to put this first little bit of the story up to see what the general reception would be, before going through the trouble of finding an editor. Now that I've seen that it is mostly positive, getting an editor is now officially on my to do list.
Second, the story takes place after the events of Xenophilia, and shortly before/during the second season of the show. If you are wondering why the story starts off in winter, I'm taking a little creative liberty with the timeline and saying that another winter falls between season one and two of the show, with season two starting in early spring the following year. The reason for this is that a lot of time passes, series wise, between Winter Wrap-Up and Hearth's Warming Eve. If anyone has a serious issue with this not making sense in the timeline, then I'd like to point out that Fall Weather Friends takes place two episodes after Winter Wrap-Up, just some food for thought.
I hope that this clears a few things up, if you have any other questions please remember that the story is just starting.
I think this is the one thing every Xeno fan has been waiting for. Can't wait to see how this goes.
I liked this
Im looking forward to seeing where this goes. This is the first time in a long time that I have also subscribed to email updates.
4396786 Its depends on what you consider canon I think. Its probably not canon to any of the spin offs / sequels.
This was 3 chapters why?
4407321 Why not?
4407321
Please note the incomplete tag at the bottom.
"Longshanks" is a reference to King Edward I of England who ruled from 1272 - 1307.
A real live king and not something out of a fantasy novel at all!
4416495
It's also a reference to a Gotrek and Felix novel.
I see lots of potential, and will definitely be following this one!
Though you'll want to have a beta reader edit it.
I noticed that you used the word witch twice in this chapter and once in I believe the prologue, witches cast spells, the word you're looking for is which. I also noticed you used the word hear when you meant here.
4418143
Thanks for pointing them out. Until I manage to find an editor this is probably the only way that mistakes like this will be fixed. I keep re-reading the chapters, but again not so good at the grammar.
4418353
That's alright. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much we look over our own work, we still can't find all the mistakes. Thanks why we have editors.
Grammar issues aside, this promises to be a very interesting tale. This last chapter caught Lero's emotional response quite well.
Which
4447145
Good to know I'm doing something right.
this story is pretty damn awesome, it captures the characters decently. I faved last chapter tentatively, but this just scored a story long reader.
EDIT: i can't wait till this gets a few more chapters so re-reading this becomes much more awesome. DFTBA
Didn't see anything in the way of mistakes myself.
Can't wait to see where this story goes...
This is good. It just needs quicker updates. That'd be amazing :D
You kinda need a beta or pre-reader or however they prefer to be called. Rather badly. Not even counting the punctuation/grammar issues and just from briefly looking through the chapter we have:
"shone"
"were"
"lose"
That's a verb, last I heard. "comeback" would be the noun.
"proceeded"
And that's all just from briefly looking through the prologue. Can't really say anything about the quality of the story, so far it wasn't bad, but personally I doubt I'll manage to read more than a couple of chapters with such an abundance of misspellings.
The really funny part?
The sentence in which you state your efforts to find an editor were fruitless had more mistakes in it than the chapter, at least, as far as I could tell.
Another brilliant chapter Im even more excited to see this progress.
4450308
I believe that's the joke.
4451003 Which would be why I said it was funny. Whether it was intentional or unintentional.
4449890
Well, I've been looking for editors but I've just come up empty.
I've tried posting of forums, and even PMing a few, but I guess none of them want to read Chimera.
If I'm missing something obvious, then by all means point it out, otherwise I'm afraid commenters, like yourself, are the closest thing I have to an editor.
4451819
I can't really promise anything, especially with the fact that I don't think I know english well enough to be a decent editor - alongside the fact that I haven't even read Xenophilia itself and basically clicked on the link to this story by mistake - but I'll try to look through the other chapters this weekend if I have time.
4453140
Hey, buddy, every little bit helps and is appreciated.
You say you found my story by mistake? Well hopefully it turns out to be a happy accident.
As for Xenophilia itself, I whole heartedly recommend reading it. The story itself is a little cheesy in my opinion, but the world building is really something amazing.
Hope to hear from you again soon.
Should be very.
You should also use 'light' instead of 'lite.' Lite is marketing-speak and shouldn't be used anywhere other than ads or packaging. There's a couple of lites in the previous chapter as well.
You missed quotation marks for Zecora's 'a few more pieces' line.
'Defrib' doesn't have an R, and if you want to be technical, should be 'CPR.' A defibrillator corrects an arrhythmic heartbeat, it doesn't restart a stopped one.
Apart from all that, I didn't notice anything else. Good work so far, and it's interesting to finally see a woman in the Xenoverse.
4460499
Thanks, I don't know how I missed some of these.
Very nice of Celestia to personally cast a healing spell on this woman.
Shame that we don't get to see Miss "Longshanks" wake up yet. Maybe next chapter, hopefully.
4482216
Thanks, I figured I'd add a little more detail to something that's usually glossed over in the xenoverse. Also, don't worry, she won't spend the whole story asleep.
I have always found it weird that a fortnight is not ubiquitous. Its such a handy unit of time.
onto the story, It was interesting to get the Princesses' perspective on this, and the talk with Lero was interesting.
Your dream mechanics are decent enough, even if they don't capture the insanity of the human mind(although that could be explained by lero being between REM stages, which usually means boring dreams).
I dont know if this has been asked, but is this AU Xenoverse set in early Season 1 timezone? I ask because that is the Impression I have gotten.
4500265 How is fortnight any better then just saying 2 weeks?
4500771
It's about 20% cooler.
4500265
I beleive I already explained the timeline in the note at the end of chapter 3.Basically, the winter they are in is set in the gap between season one and two.
well to be honest, after this point if you basically do something like this, it would have probably started a downward spiral. Now with this turn of events you have prolonged the lifecycle of this story, perhaps setup a hook for a adventure/threat and and set some more tone for the next set of chapters.
Rather than scaring me off, I applaud you, you did what was necessary to make the story: A. a actual story, and B. more interesting.
Ummm so... is she some owlbear thing? Chimera is a mixed creature with parts of other animals. A Pegasus is a chimera because it has bird wings and a horse body. It seems like here she is more of a were beast, or a lycanthrope (lol Were-owlbear). I can buy that she is spliced and her animal self manifests at times, but I'm a little confused as to where this is going. I look forward to a better explanation next chapter.
SHE'S the Chimera… didn't see THAT one coming. Was expecting her to stay human all throughout the story.
Wow, the Fae really HAVE sunk their claws into THIS one.
Also, neat new word I've learned: 'zygodactyl.' Very cool!
Cool!!!!!
That was great. Now we are getting somewhere
4660862
). So, she's really more of a manbird, or womanbird in this case.
Actually, the only two things that she's made up of are snowy owl, and human (no bears were harmed in the making of this creature
4660919
Well now, who did you think the chimera was? And as far as 'zygodactyl' goes, it was either that or 'crazy, bendy, toes'. I like to think I made the right decision.