• Member Since 19th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

Subject 19


I believe that stories help us to ennoble ourselves, to fix what is broken in us, and to help us become the people we dream of being. Lies that tell a deeper truth.

Sequels1

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Christopher Razka is the CEO and Chairman of CHECKMATE Arms, the largest weapons manufacturer in the world. However, things have not been going well for the company or Razka lately. After a long week spent at board meetings and managing his company, Razka finally has time to enjoy the weekend. Or so he thought. He gets woken up early in the morning by a strange pony in his bedroom that has the ability to speak and claims to be some sort of princess. If only Razka was dreaming this.


This idea just sort of hit me one day and I decided why not make it into a story.
I'd like to thank Maiah for the amazing cover art!
I'd also like to thank TimeSwirl for proofreading and BLACK M3SA for editing this story!

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 14 )

True to my word. I read it, and to say at least, I am interested :twilightsmile: I'm intrigued by the story. Alright writing and good pace. I will keep my eye on this if it will continue to add to my liking. :pinkiesmile:

If I were to give any criticism though, I would say you need to work on fleshing the dialogue and scenes out more, add to the immersion of the reader; As at some points in the story, I was pulled out of my immersion by the dialogue.

Also try to give the characters my Oompf on reacting more. I have no idea what I just said but I hope you get it.

I figure since I read this fic in the I Just Want a Comment archives I should leave a comment.

So have a comment.

...













... okay fine, I'll actually critique this.

For starters, I like the fact that you actually bothered to spellcheck this. That makes your story better than half the others on this site. Yay you. I also like the fact that, while your OC is rich and influential, you don't go into too much detail stressing the point. I kinda get a whole "Tony Stark: Pre-Iron Man" vibe from him.

Now the bad parts. While this has potential to be good, many points stick out at me. Let's start at the start.

“Where are my weapons? Why are they still not in production?” A man sitting at the head of a large rectangular table asked. The man was wearing a black suit and blood red tie. On the shoulders of his suit were the logos of CHECKMATE Arms.

So you decided to start with a piece of dialogue. That can be good. But the way it was presented doesn't exactly catch the eye. He asks about his weapons and why they aren't in production, which sounds like a villainous, or at the very least anti-heroish sort of thing to say. But then you tell us what he's wearing. While this isn't a bad thing, this is the very first paragraph of your entire story. Make it interesting! Make it action-y! Make it mysterious! Make it worth reading.

TLDR: Show don't tell in the first paragraph.

From then on, I had a jolly fun time reading your fic. Until one scene. Given the characterization of Mr. Razka, amongst which is the fact that he introduces himself to Luna by pointing a gun at her head, I would like to imagine that he's a tough sunuvagun with a few issues. But then came this scene.

“My parents were diagnosed with stage four cancer when I was in my twenties. Being an only child and having no other family to rely on meant that I had to take care of both of them myself. It went on for about three years before they finally succumbed to the cancer. My mother died first and my dad followed two weeks later.” A single tear fell from Razka’s eye, remembering the bitter memories of his parents’ final days.

As a Smooze who has bitter memories of his childhood (because I'd like to meet the person who doesn't...), I can tell you that I don't go blabbing my inner pain to the first pony that asks about it. I think the pacing is a bit fast on that one.

Also, I hope you realize that the whole "Human OC with a dark past gets healed by the MAGIC OF FRIENDSHIP" is so overdone on this site that there's practically a tag for it. I hope you have some idea that will make this one unique and worth reading.

Good luck in your writing endeavors. I shall mark this as read later and wait a few chapters before passing judgement.

4150447 Thanks for the advice. It's refreshing to be reminded of the areas that I need to improve on.

So the man who owns and runs the world's largest weapons manufacturing company (which would be impossible to do without branching out to other countries to begin with) his source of stress is that his parents died almost ten years ago? You would think the whole "Guy in charge of this country's defense isnt gonna get his damn weapons" would be a tad more stressful. :trixieshiftright:

Not to mention that he immediately tells Celestia his sob story (which was apparently so traumatic that its still stressing him out, nearly ten years later) with no real reason.:unsuresweetie:

Honestly, im gonna follow this to see where it goes. Its an interesting idea with an interesting(?) main character and could end up being quite good.:twilightsmile:

4212438 Yeah, looking back at the chapter I did screw up in a few places. :applejackunsure: I kind of rushed through the first chapter mainly because I wanted to see if anyone was even interested in the idea. Now that I see people like it, I’m taking my time with writing this story and watching out for screw ups or parts that don’t make sense. Thanks for the like and the favorite! :twilightsmile: I hope I don’t disappoint.

4213721 that's good to hear. Honestly, it looks like it could be great if done right! : )

(if you need a proofreader, I might be able to help) ; )

Well as your new Proofreader/editor I have decided to take in the liberty of finding as many small mistakes as possible, in order to ensure your story continues to be good and successful.

“I’ve told you this countless times Bradley, yet you never seem to understand. My company makes the most advanced weapons, vehicles and aircrafts in the world. The only country I trust to use this power responsibly is the United States.”

You missed a comma in between vehicles, and aircrafts.

“I take it your world doesn’t have much or even any technology.

This is missing a comma in between much, and or.

When Christopher Razka opened his eyes, he saw that he was in some sort of dark featureless space. And he wasn’t alone.

The period after space should be a comma, and the word "and" should be lowercase.

“Thirty-four?” Celestia repeated. “You look like you’re at least forty.

Due to the fact that Celestia has no idea what a human is, and Razka being the first one she has ever seen, how could she possibly know what the difference between a 30 and 40 year old human be. Granted this is a way of having him be able to tell his story to Celestia, I still recommend you change the way that you approach it.

“And what way did you have in mind.”

This is a question, and it should have a question mark.

Ok, now it is time for the less technical, and more of the general things that irk me, part of this comment.

I personally feel that there should be a lot more show, and a lot less tell, especially since this is the first chapter. The first chapter should show more about the character, his ideals, and generally his personality, whilst still giving us a good perspective of the world around him. The first paragraph in particular, is basically smack dab full of dialogue, which can be good, but also full of you trying to explain the characters features, which can be good if done properly. I just feel that the way you did it does not help grab at the readers attention, which is one of the most important things for a first paragraph to be able to do. When he first meets Celestia, he spews out this sob story of his to a perfect stranger, which seems quite strange to me. The way he does it makes it seem as if he wants all of the people he meets to pity him, and I am fairly sure that is not where you were trying to do intentionally. I personally would not so easily share my sob story with a seemingly random stranger.

Now for the good, happy, part where I tell you the things you did right.

One of the good things that I noticed was that I could not find any spelling errors, which makes me quite happy that you at least spell checked it. The pacing of the story seems fine so far, if not the slightest bit rushed during a few short moments. You are able to reflect Chris' personality in such a way that you can easily have been able to tell that he was the type of person that acted tough, but is really a lot deeper than that, and has better traits that he tries to keep hidden away. I like that.

Whew, finally done with that monster of a comment. Overall, even with the mistakes, I rate this as a fairly good story, especially for a new author like yourself. Based off of what I have read so far of your stories, your biggest problem is punctuation, commas specifically. Anyways, it will be a pleasure working with you.
-TimeSwirl

Cover art is important. That said, generally stories that have a guy wearing dark clothes and a red armband don't get many views or upvotes. Strange how people associate that with Nazis :rainbowlaugh:

Edit: Now that I've gone through and read it, your editor has a lot of work to do. Not much in descriptions for the story, and you keep rehashing the same word choice.

4381637

Yo. That'd be me. I was contacted yesterday about helping.

Oh yeah, house of cards reference. =) *Thumbs up.*

4927116 What is House of Cards? It sounds familiar.

Why did you make this story so short?

7043201
I didn't intend it to. It just ended up that way. But it is the first part to the trilogy!

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