• Member Since 31st Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen Jun 24th, 2021

Not a pipe


E

Big Mac's delivery route is a little different from Applejack's. It's also different from each delivery before it. But he has a map and a will. And he will not let himself be stopped.

Written for Writer's Training Grounds #011: "Somepony to Watch Over Me"
Big Macintosh wishes chimeras were the only things he had to contend with on his delivery route. What he goes up against is far, far worse...

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 19 )

The writing is a bit awkward in places, but I still heartily enjoyed this. Have a like, and maybe a fave after some editing.

4076409
Thanks for the like. I would really appreciate If you could point out any sections that you think are especially awkward. I sort of hammered most of this out in a long sitting and can't really look at it very objectively right now.

4077486

His journey began auspiciously enough; an eagle was circling a thermal above was always a good portent. Finding the mountain lilies purple was normally a bad sign,

It just sounds weird. Lots of places like that.

Still he was wary for there was no sign of the rock wyrms.

Missing comma. Again, lots of them

Stuff like that. I'd offer to proofread, but for all my error-spotting skills, I suck at working efficiently.Try reading what you write out loud, it helps a lot with wording. Good luck, and I hope you know I don't mean to offend.

4077740
I see what you mean. I was making some deliberate stylistic choices that in retrospect didn't work as well as I had hoped. I definitely have to go through it again more carefully.

this was a good story errors but a good story nonetheless
:eeyup::eeyup::eeyup::eeyup:

I knew the moment he began the observations at the crossroads that the story was going to escalate to unimaginable proportions.

And the best part, not a word spoken from our protagonist until the end. Powerful.

Oh come on, really? Wasting favors from the leaders of two countries to deliver a pie? Musta been a damn good pie.

Big Mac watched her until the curve of the hill he was standing on blocker her from view.

I'm guessing that should be 'blocked.'

One of the road ran into the forest that his sister traveled and the to the mountain that was his route. He couldn’t help but feel a twinge of unease; this would be the first time he had stood here alone.

'Road' should be plural. Also, there are two spaces in between those sentences, and I don't think Fimfic's inherently justified text format (as opposed to left-aligned or center-aligned) was the cause of it.

His journey began well enough; an eagle was circling a thermal above was always a good sign.

That first 'was' probably shouldn't be there.

Other than that, I think there might've been some comma misuse (either places where a comma should've been or commas than should've been semicolons or em dashes), but I'm not much of an expert on comma use, so I wouldn't know where/if to correct you.

4230665
Thank you for the corrections. Especially for the double space: I hate it when people use that.

"Peak" should be "peek".

4231068
You know, I think I can blame this one on someone else. I'm fairly sure I copied the first line from a transcript somewhere. Thanks for the tip.

Okay, that was a great punchline. It made the grammatical hiccups worth it.

*Applauds* Very nicely done.

Awesome ending.
I especially like the implication that Big Mac set out with an entire cart worth of pies basically as currency just to deliver one of them.

4561939
Thanks, that was the intention so I'm glad that came through.

Perfect melding of awesome and absurdity, in a properly over-the-top fashion. An amazing read, thanks for sharing it!

This was...something. Very exciting. Ending made me laugh.

Strangeness abounds in Pinkie-Pieous ways

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