CKF

by Doctoroctagonapus21

Ch. 4: Day 1

Summoning what little memory she had of the previous night, Fluorescence left the office with her cheeks literally glowing red as she heard snoring coming from the pony who had just reprimanded her and gave her a job at the same time. As she walked into the lobby, the other ponies she had just met were there waiting.

"Well, sugarcube?" Crock Pot asks. "How'd it go?"

"The good news is I have a job and a new place to stay. The bad news is I won't actually be getting paid." Fluoresence reported.

"We all got our debts ta pay ta miss Cassie."

"Yeah, but at least we didn't make a mess o'da hotel." Boxer stated.

"BOXER! Not helping." Sylvia shouted as she walked over to Fluorescence. "Don't mind him. He just says whatever's on his mind. So, how are going to help out around here?"

"She didn't say anything specifically, but she did say I have three days to get settled in."

"Then what we SHOULD do is start training immediately." Sylvia suggested.

"Actually, there's something I'd like to retrieve from my... previous residence, first. It shouldn't take too long."

"Go to it then." Sylvia ordered as Fluorescence flew out the door.

An hour went by and most of the guests were up and having breakfast by the time Fluorescence returned wearing a gold necklace with a glowing, spherical emerald no bigger than a jellybean. When she walked in the door Kylie was practicing her magic in the middle of the lobby by trying to lift a broom. She managed to get it a couple inches off the ground when Fluorescence startled her and broke her concentration. "Hi there." Kylie turned to Fluorescence, and was a bit hesitant to say anything back. "Listen, I'm sorry if I scared you last night. I wasn't exactly myself..." "There's a lie for ya." She thought to herself. "If it makes you feel any better, I'm working off the debt now."

Kylie bounded up to her and said with a smile, "Hi! I'm Kylie. Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too. My name's Fluorescence."

"That's a pretty necklace you have." Kylie said, raising her hoof to touch it.

"Thanks, it's a family heirloom."

"Heirloom?"

"It's been passed down through my family for many many years. It once belonged to my ancestors."

"There you are!" Sylvia said as the trotted into the room.

"Hi Sylvia!" Kylie said enthusiastically.

"Hello Kylie dear. Fluorescence, I could use a little help in the dining room. It's quite busy what with the free breakfast and all."

"Free breakfast?" Fluorescence asked as she felt somepony poking at her.

She looked down at Kylie who said, "Auntie Cassie promised everyone free breakfast after what happened."

"Oh...Better get in there then..."

Fluorescence quickly got to work taking orders and was just as quickly met with glares from the patrons whose peaceful rest she had disturbed last night. By the end of breakfast she had apologized and asked for forgiveness from just about everypony in the room. By the time a number of the guests had checked out and left, she and Sylvia went up the stairs to clean up and get the rooms ready for the next set of guests. While helping clean up, Fluorescence reflected on what she had done... at least, what she could piece together.

"Again, I'm sorry for making such a mess of the place..." Fluorescence stated regrettably, "Probably makes your job that much harder."

"Yes, but I've lived in much worse conditions than this."

As they hardened their nostrils to the smell of vomit (which had been Fluorescence's) Fluorescence began to wonder about what Crock Pot had said earlier. "What exactly did he mean by 'we all have our debts to pay to miss Cassie'?"

Sylvia paused for a second and then said, "I owe my life to her. If she hadn't given me this job, there's a chance i'd be six feet under at this very moment..." before continuing to clean up in silence. Fluorescence began to wonder just what dark pasts these ponies had and if she would ever have to reveal her own.

Comments

[TheBaraclough]

Enjoyed this chapter as always. Only thing I really have to say is that you should probably aim to write more per chapter. Your first chapter was a good solid length but all the chapters after that have been getting smaller and smaller. I also noticed two places where a change in the sentence structure would help people understand it a lot better.

"When she walked in the door, in the middle of the lobby was Kylie practicing her magic to try and lift a broom." - should probably be: When she walked in the door Kylie was practicing her magic in the middle of the lobby by trying to lift a broom. The sentence is just very awkward as it is written and would improve if it is changed into something similar to how I changed it. Also I think the comma was unneeded but I could be wrong about that.

"before cleaning up in silence, leaving Fluorescence to wonder just what dark pasts these ponies had and would she ever have to reveal her own?" - should probably be: leaving Fluorescence to wonder just what dark pasts these ponies had and if she ever have to reveal her own." First of all having the speech and all of this thought in one sentence is extremely clunky and most likely ungrammatical. I would suggest making Sylvia's response its own sentence and Fluorescence's thoughts a separate sentence. The would should be and if and the question mark needs to be a period. Fluorescence's thoughts are just her wondering if she would have to tell her own past, not a question.

Don't think that I hate what you're doing, I am really enjoying this story and want to see more. I am just offering some constructive criticism . Keep on writing! You're doing a great job !