Flim Skim's life has hit a dark point. With no business, no money, and no schemes to rely on anymore, he's a shell of the fast talking salespony he once was, drinking his sorrows away while drifting through Equestria for who knows what reason. One night when he finds himself literally thrown into an unknown town, he feels as though life has pushed him down to the ground for the last time. That is, until a certain ranch owner comes along to offer him a helping hoof.
I wrote this mainly to prove to myself that I CAN write a sad story, and because I've never seen a Cherry X Flim ship story before.
Chapters (1)
Sorry it took me awhile to read this.
The use of the weather to further emphasize his depression and bad luck worked fine, but the only downside is that Dodge Junction seems to be more of a desert town (ignoring the fact that realistically neither it nor Appleloosa should be able to sustain orchards... I consider that a result of Earth pony magic and Pegasi magic.) You could still have it raining, but I'd think Cherry might mention how he picked the wrong day to lie down in the dirt, so to speak. Also Pegasi control the weather so... you could add that nudge in. "I guess that's the downside of travelin', its hard to check the local weather schedule." Something like that. It's a really minor thing that doesn't necessarily detract. It's just something I thought of.
I think the idea of Flim drinking heavily in a boxcar is great, although I don't think the stallion who threw him out would say that much. Maybe a bit more like this?
That seems a little more realistic and crisp to me.
I liked Cherry Jubilee. You made her quite warm and friendly. Her meeting with Flim was sweet and amusing. Their first bit of dialog was a tad rocky though. I don't see why he'd assume he'd need money when she said she was going to take him home. Admittedly he doesn't know her, but I think it'd make more sense if he phrased it differently. "I can't repay your kindness" sounds better. Or if he mentioned money, she could say something a bit more like:
Otherwise their dialog was good (I had to rewatch The Last Roundup to check up on Cherry's. Flim already sounded good in my head overall.)
However, with the rest of the narrative, there were some typos and grammar issues sprinkled in. Also, I didn't think a full recap of the episode Flim appears in was needed, just a light mention would have worked. We've seen the episode and all you need to say is how everything went down hill from there. Your descriptions aren't bad, but I feel that you spent too much time on some of the things that didn't really matter, such as the recap, the ponies to some extent, the town, and the exact layout of the house. These are important, but they could have been edited down for a stronger impact, IMHO.
This part is unnecessary. It's also kind of inaccurate, since no one reacts to Appleloosa or Dodge Junction as if they're "old" or a novelty in the episodes themselves. I'm assuming they seem fitting and not misplaced, it doesn't actually make sense that Flim would see it that way. You could rephrase it to suggest that he's never been to the West and that it looks just like the movies he's seen, but then you'd have to spend more time giving the impression that Flim is seeing this from an Equestrian view-point and not our viewpoint, if that makes sense. The other two sentences are completely unnecessary and could be cut. The rest of the description after that has more immersion and has more relevant information, which is what you want.
And then there are the ones that are useful but a bit overlong.
This isn't bad but I consider it to be more information than we need. Perhaps others would disagree with me, but since there isn't much emphasis on this action, I think that it could be edited down to something like this.
Overall, it is a nice start, though I think perhaps Cherry pushing him is a bad idea. I think it would feel more natural if she let it go and allowed him to settle in first. You could basically allow for a brief time skip or have them discussing something else that might hint at some things, then have him open up to her later as a show of gratitude and acceptance for her help when he really needed it. This is a matter of trust, especially if he's really distressed. It would also help build-up his emotional impact. Cherry could still offer to tell him how she understands on her own, as a way to make him feel more safe and secure in her presence, but it could be after he's moped awhile. I think it'd be sweet if he wanted to help her with the chores but he's just so depressed that he has trouble getting motivated about it. So he's doing a halfhearted job which she recognizes but appreciates anyhow. And he tries to act less sad for her sake but she tells him that he doesn't have to pretend around her.
Those are my thoughts. I really did like this overall and I have a feeling I already know why he's so upset... I'm guessing it has to do with poor Flam, but I'll wait and see. I do admit I'm curious about Cherry's troubles. I have some ideas but it could go several ways.
4086422 Thanks for the review! I'll definitely keep what you said in mind as I write future chapters! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Yay! A new fanfiction about my favourite pony. How did you know his full name was Flim Skim though? I thought hardly anybody knew that.
4092167 I'm psychic!! Either that or I had his mlp wiki page open
Glad you're enjoying it!!
Great story/chapter so far, but I have one question. What happened to flam?
4188529 I guess we're gonna have to wait and see!
4188548 You slugger! Heh, update soon!
4188582 I'll try! I'm currently working on a friend shipping one shot with Fluttershy and Sunset Shimmer and I really want to update my main story Pie of my Eye before Easter break, but this is on my list! I haven't forgotten about it!
4188619 Well, I'll certainly read your other stories. You got my follow!
4188640 Thank you good sir from the land of State Farm!
4188649 X3 Thank you.