A Traveling Salespony's Lament

by Azure_Shadow

Chapter 1

Author's Note:

This is my first real attempt at writing a sad/slice of life fic. I hope you enjoy it, and I ask you to please comment on it to give me your thoughts on this story.

The train was moving at a lightning fast pace on the rickety old steel tracks, quick to get to wherever it was going as fast as it could: However, there was one unicorn stallion on the train who didn't care where the train was heading, how fast it got there, or what happened along the way, he just didn't care anymore. Flim Skim was sitting in a transport car for the train he was riding in, he wished he could've afforded a passenger car, but he had nothing of value. He looked down at himself while lying against the car. His pale coat and blue and white stripped vest were covered in dirt and filth from his new life as a drifter. His vest was unbuttoned, his bow tie and hat were nowhere to be found, and his moderate red and white mane was unkempt and had even more dirt in it. He looked down at his only other possession, a half empty bottle of some alcohol he was so quick with buying in order to ease his suffering that he hadn't even bothered looking at the brand label. Flim kept staring at the bottle clutched in his hoof, only taking note of the sound of pouring rain landing on the car, and the occasional bump or shift in the car. He did nothing, only lying in the car, occasionally taking a swig of the unknown bottle in his hoof. He sat in the car silently until he heard a loud whistle, and felt the cart coming to a screeching halt. Flim briefly wondered what dead-end town he was in now before turning his attention back to the bottle in his hoof and taking another swig. He kept listening to the rain land on the top of the car as he heard a new sound coming closer to him that sounded like hoofsteps. As these steps came closer, they stopped occasionally to be followed by the sounds of rusted doors opening and shutting; with each door sounding closer and closer. He listened to the hoofsteps get louder and louder until they stopped just outside his cart. He then heard a clicking noise, then a loud clang , followed by a rush of cold air entering the cart as the door opened.

"HEY! What are you doing here!?" shouted a male voice. Flim didn't react.

"HEY, I'M TALKING TO YOU!" the voice shouted again. Flim didn't budge.

"WHAT!? DO YA GOT COTTON IN YER EARS!? I SAID, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!?"" shouted the voice, angrier than before.

Flim didn't so much as glance at the owner of the voice as he took another swig of alcohol. He then heard the voice mutter something he couldn't make out, before being grabbed the the collar of the filthy shirt under his vest and being forcibly pulled out of the car, quickly enough to drop his bottle before coming face to face with an angry tan earth pony stallion who was glaring daggers at him. He growled in frustration before speaking again.

"I have no time for this! I have an important shipment I need to make!" he muttered as he checked the stowaway for any goods he may have stolen before bringing Flim's face close enough to his so that he felt the stallion's heavy breathing against his muzzle. "Get your bucking flank off this train you dirty stowaway!" he said coldly before tossing Flim onto the ground a few feet away from the train. Flim laid near lifelessly on the dirt as the near empty glass bottle he was previously drinking out of landed by his face. "And take your damn booze with ya!" shouted the stallion before closing up the car Flim was on and getting back on the train. He continued to lie in the dirt as he heard the train's whistle before leaving for who knows where. Flim looked back at the bottle. He saw that it still had some booze left inside of it. He started to reach for the bottle, but his hoof froze when something about it caught his eye; the label on the bottle.

Sweet Apple Acres' premium hard apple cider

Sweet Apple Acres; the name brought back memories that Flim thought best forgotten. The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 disaster; a day that wouldn't leave his memory no matter how much alcohol he ingested. He and his twin brother Flam had gotten word that a farm in Ponyville was falling behind on their cider producing, so the two had concocted a plan and a large machine (and a rather extravagant song and dance number) in order to rake in a profit. They had offered their services to the family that owned the farm, but they rejected their offer. In order to try and make a profit, the two brothers challenged the family to a cider making contest, which they were winning in, until they allowed that one mare's friends to help. This led to the brothers trying to speed up their machine; only for it to start sucking up trees and rocks, making the cider they made entirely undrinkable. They technically won the contest, but they lost the townsfolk, and were then forced out of town. Feelings of anger quickly rushed over Flim as he let out a brief yell as he punched the bottle of premium cider as hard as he could. The bottle rolled away until landing in a mud puddle a ways away from himself. As he looked at the bottle in the mud, those feelings of anger had left just as quickly as they came. In that moment, he had realized something that truly struck him; he was the bottle in the mud right now. For the past few months, he had been kicked around, he rolled wherever the wind took him, he was as empty as the bottle and currently, he too was stuck in the mud. Flim continued to stare at the bottle as the rain continued to pour down on top of him, as if nature was trying to wash away this sorry excuse for a stallion. He kept staring at the bottle as he listened to the sound of the rain washing him away from wherever he was. He sat there for a few minutes until his ears picked up something else; more hoofsteps. Flim payed no attention to whoever was walking as he lied in his own sorrow. He tried ignoring the growing sound of hooves getting closer to him; probably another pissed off stallion who was going to use him as his whipping colt. The hoofesteps stopped right by Flim's head as he kept staring at the bottle.

"H-Hey, are you alright?"

The voice was that of a mare, and a country accent that Flam would say; sounded so sweet, it was probably laced with honey. Flim turned his head up to see the mare standing above him. This mare was wearing some sort of rain coat, and had a lime green saddle bag on her back. He could see a lock of crimson red hair protruding from the hood of the coat, but the most noticeable feature this mare appeared to have were her beautiful light pistachio green eyes. Flim actually spoke up.

"I'm fine....thanks."

"Why are ya lying on the middle of the road stranger?"

"Because I was thrown here."

"Well then....why don't you get up?"

Flim took some time to think before answering. "Because.......because if I did, I'd still have nowhere to go." The mare then looked around wherever they were before speaking again.

"Well, I can't let ya lay out here and catch a cold, how about comin' over to mah place?"

Flim's ears perked up as he heard the offer, but then quickly drooped back down. "I don't have any money."

"That's alright, ah'm sure we can work something out, so what do ya say sugar? Mah house isn't far from here, and I bet some food and a warm bed sounds good right about now, don't it?" Flim was about to offer a retort, but his stomach which had a half bottle of cider in it loudly spoke for itself. As much as he hated accepting charity, he was starving, and anything was better that wallowing in the mud of whatever town they were in. Flim slowly lifted himself up from the muck, and looked where he was laying to see an imprint of where he was.

"Alright, If you'll have me Missus..."

"MISS Cherry Jubilee honey pie, now let's get you out of this rain!" said the mare cheerfully as she motioned for the soaking wet unicorn to follow her. They walked a few minutes through what Flim thought was a town right out of an old country western film. There were old fashioned looking building, one for each of anypony's everyday needs. There was a grocery store, a blacksmith, taxpayers office, saloon, all kinds of buildings! Flim thought it must've been late at night, for most of the buildings had their lights out, only the inn and the saloon had lights on; he could hear sounds of music and laughter as they were walking by the saloon, sounds he wished he heard more often. The two continued walking down a dirt path that led away from the town. They appeared to be walking through a desert, but as they continued walking, both ponies started to see the outline of trees in front of them, lots and lots of trees. They continued walking until the mare came to a stop before a white wooden gate with a padlock put around it. Ms. Jubilee quickly took out a small iron key from her bag and slipped it into the lock before opening it.

"Welcome to Cherry Hill Ranch stranger!" said the mare as she pointed at a large farmhouse accompanied by smaller buildings besides it. Flim was amazed at the size of the house and shifted his gaze back to Jubilee.

"T-this is where you live!? This is quite impressive!" He asked in awe.

"Why thank ya sugar!" Jubilee giggled as she led Flim to the front patio and opening the front door. They walked into a dark entryway only for Cherry to quickly flip on the lights. Flim was blinded for a moment, before his eyes re-adjusted to see that the house looked much bigger on the inside. They were in a small entryway that had was connected to two other rooms on each side, a kitchen on the left, and a living room on the right. There was a stairwell in front of them that led to the second floor. From what Flim could tell, the house had a country flair; complete with wooden floors and walls, as well as pieces of furniture that looked like it was as old as the wild west itself. The entryway was filled with old black and white pictures of what Flim assumed to be pictures of the generations of Cherry's family. He then looked over to Ms. Jubilee, who had taken her cloak off and hung it on a coat rack, allowing Flim to see her full form. She was a few inches shorter than him, about as tall as any other mare he had met. Her mane was two different shades of crimson red, with it being curly near the end. She was wearing a pink scarf around her neck, and a cherry hair clip. She was a bit pudgy, but by no means fat. She looked as if most of her weight was sent to her more 'attractive features', most notably her plump cheeks, one of which had a beauty mark under it, and her flank which sported a pair of cherries as her cutie mark which Flim admittedly thought looked rather soft. Cherry must have noticed Flim checking her out as she chuckled.

"Like what you see?" she asked as she batted her pink eye shadowed eyes at Flim flirtatiously.

'Wha-what!? N-no ma'am! W-well, not that I don't think you look attractive, you do but.." Flim shuddered as he realized he was only making things worse. This seemed to entertain Jubilee as she started laughing.

"Ah'm just messin' with ya sugar!" said Jubilee as she walked into the living room, only to come out a few seconds later with a green and white quilt, which she draped around the soaking stallion. "Now follow me into the kitchen, Ah've got something that'll warm you right up!" Flim followed Jubilee as they walked into the large scale kitchen. Jubilee told him to sit at the green table with the large red and white checkered tablecloth in the middle of the kitchen. He sat there in silence, trying his best to warm up as Jubilee was making something at the stove. A few minuted passed before Jubilee came back to the table, carrying a green tray with two fancy looking tea cups, a simple metal teapot, and a plate of cherry tarts. Flim immediately went for the cherry tarts, devouring them wasn't an accurate was to put it, he was inhaling them. After finishing five tarts in five minutes, he quickly took a sip of the tea Jubilee had poured him. The tea was one of the most spectacular beverages he had ever drank in his lifetime, definitely better than any liquor he had ever drank, a thought that scared him a bit.

"So Miss Jubilee,thank you for the food and tea, it's amazing." said Flim as he offered a smile.

"Oh you're welcome sugar! That there is Cherry Hill Ranch's world famous cherry tarts and cherry raspberry tea! Ponies come from all over Equestria just to try a taste!" Jubilee exclaimed proudly.

"My, must be quite the business if that's the case." Flim muttered to himself before devouring another tart. "Anyways, thank you again for allowing me to stay at your lovely home."

"It's no trouble sugar! It wouldn't sit right with me if ah just left somepony sleep out in that rain." Jubilee assured the stallion. "But there is the issue of payment." she added as she looked down to her teacup.

"O-Oh, yes of course ma'am," said Flim sheepishly as he too looked down at his teacup. "Well, I'm afraid I don't have any money, I only have the clothes on my back, and as you can see, even that's not much." he said as he took another look at the horrible condition his clothes were in.

"I can see that sugar." said Jubilee as she surveyed what she could see from an opening where Flim wasn't holding the quilt over. Suddenly, an idea popped into her head. "Well, I think I just thought of a way you could repay me."

"What is it? "

"You can tell me why a handsome stallion like yourself was lying out in the mud all by your lonesome durin' this downpour!"

Flim cringed at the offer and looked down to the wooden floor of the kitchen. "W-well, I...I don't quite like talking about it much, It's a long story. my life as of late has been a series of unfortunate events to say the least, can we please just leave it at that?"

" A series of unfortunate events? That's quite a way of putting it. Are you sure you aren't just exaggerating?"

The unicorn shook his head. "No my dear, I'm feel that my life has taken a drastic turn for the worse."

"I've been there sugar." said Jubilee under her breath. She sighed as she looked down to her half empty cup of tea. Flim looked back over at the earth pony mare as she looked like she was in deep thought.

"Is everything alright Miss Jubilee?" asked Flim. This seemingly broke Cherry out of her trance as she met the stallion's eyes.

"Well sugar, I'm afraid my life hasn't been all peaches and cream lately either." she sighed. "Alright.....how about this? If I tell you when mah life started goin' to the pits, would you feel better about telling me what happened to you?" she asked as she gave a Flim a questioning look. Flim felt his whole body tense up a bit as he broke the stare to look back at his empty tea cup.

"Maybe, I'm still not sure." he replied sheepishly. Jubilee nodded as she took the metal teapot and quickly poured Flim another cup of the magnificent cherry raspberry tea.

"Well, how about we wait to see after ah tell you mah story. Sound good?"

The stallion rubbed his head while thinking of the offer, until he replied with a slight nod.

"Alrighty then, were to start?"

Comments

[Yildun]

Sorry it took me awhile to read this.

The use of the weather to further emphasize his depression and bad luck worked fine, but the only downside is that Dodge Junction seems to be more of a desert town (ignoring the fact that realistically neither it nor Appleloosa should be able to sustain orchards... I consider that a result of Earth pony magic and Pegasi magic.) You could still have it raining, but I'd think Cherry might mention how he picked the wrong day to lie down in the dirt, so to speak. Also Pegasi control the weather so... you could add that nudge in. "I guess that's the downside of travelin', its hard to check the local weather schedule." Something like that. It's a really minor thing that doesn't necessarily detract. It's just something I thought of.

I think the idea of Flim drinking heavily in a boxcar is great, although I don't think the stallion who threw him out would say that much. Maybe a bit more like this?

"HEY! What are you doing here?"

Flim didn't so much as glance at the stallion.

"Hey! You!"

He took another swig of alcohol, unmoved. [insert description of being grabbed, landing on the ground, and finally looking up to see the other stallion.]

"And stay out!"

That seems a little more realistic and crisp to me.

I liked Cherry Jubilee. You made her quite warm and friendly. Her meeting with Flim was sweet and amusing. Their first bit of dialog was a tad rocky though. I don't see why he'd assume he'd need money when she said she was going to take him home. Admittedly he doesn't know her, but I think it'd make more sense if he phrased it differently. "I can't repay your kindness" sounds better. Or if he mentioned money, she could say something a bit more like:

"Now, now, I'm just bein' neighborly. Ya don't need to pay me back, although I'm grateful you'd want to return the favor. Maybe we can work somethin' out? ...But it can wait. Mah house isn't far from here, and I bet some food and a warm bed sounds good right about now, don't it?"

Otherwise their dialog was good (I had to rewatch The Last Roundup to check up on Cherry's. Flim already sounded good in my head overall.)

However, with the rest of the narrative, there were some typos and grammar issues sprinkled in. Also, I didn't think a full recap of the episode Flim appears in was needed, just a light mention would have worked. We've seen the episode and all you need to say is how everything went down hill from there. Your descriptions aren't bad, but I feel that you spent too much time on some of the things that didn't really matter, such as the recap, the ponies to some extent, the town, and the exact layout of the house. These are important, but they could have been edited down for a stronger impact, IMHO.

They walked a few minutes through what Flim thought was a town right out of an old country western film. There were old fashioned looking building, one for each of anypony's everyday needs. There was a grocery store, a blacksmith, taxpayers office, saloon, all kinds of buildings!

This part is unnecessary. It's also kind of inaccurate, since no one reacts to Appleloosa or Dodge Junction as if they're "old" or a novelty in the episodes themselves. I'm assuming they seem fitting and not misplaced, it doesn't actually make sense that Flim would see it that way. You could rephrase it to suggest that he's never been to the West and that it looks just like the movies he's seen, but then you'd have to spend more time giving the impression that Flim is seeing this from an Equestrian view-point and not our viewpoint, if that makes sense. The other two sentences are completely unnecessary and could be cut. The rest of the description after that has more immersion and has more relevant information, which is what you want.

And then there are the ones that are useful but a bit overlong.

They continued walking until the mare came to a stop before a white wooden gate with a padlock put around it. Ms. Jubilee quickly took out a small iron key from her bag and slipped it into the lock before opening it.

This isn't bad but I consider it to be more information than we need. Perhaps others would disagree with me, but since there isn't much emphasis on this action, I think that it could be edited down to something like this.

They continued walking until they arrived at a white wooden gate with a padlock. Ms. Jubilee took out a small key from her bag and quickly unlocked it.

Overall, it is a nice start, though I think perhaps Cherry pushing him is a bad idea. I think it would feel more natural if she let it go and allowed him to settle in first. You could basically allow for a brief time skip or have them discussing something else that might hint at some things, then have him open up to her later as a show of gratitude and acceptance for her help when he really needed it. This is a matter of trust, especially if he's really distressed. It would also help build-up his emotional impact. Cherry could still offer to tell him how she understands on her own, as a way to make him feel more safe and secure in her presence, but it could be after he's moped awhile. I think it'd be sweet if he wanted to help her with the chores but he's just so depressed that he has trouble getting motivated about it. So he's doing a halfhearted job which she recognizes but appreciates anyhow. And he tries to act less sad for her sake but she tells him that he doesn't have to pretend around her.

Those are my thoughts. I really did like this overall and I have a feeling I already know why he's so upset... I'm guessing it has to do with poor Flam, but I'll wait and see. I do admit I'm curious about Cherry's troubles. I have some ideas but it could go several ways.

[Azure_Shadow]

4086422 Thanks for the review! I'll definitely keep what you said in mind as I write future chapters! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[Flim]

Yay! A new fanfiction about my favourite pony. How did you know his full name was Flim Skim though? I thought hardly anybody knew that.

[Azure_Shadow]

4092167 I'm psychic!! Either that or I had his mlp wiki page open Glad you're enjoying it!!

[Jake-From-Statefarm]

Great story/chapter so far, but I have one question. What happened to flam?

[Azure_Shadow]

4188529 I guess we're gonna have to wait and see!

[Jake-From-Statefarm]

4188548 You slugger! Heh, update soon!

[Azure_Shadow]

4188582 I'll try! I'm currently working on a friend shipping one shot with Fluttershy and Sunset Shimmer and I really want to update my main story Pie of my Eye before Easter break, but this is on my list! I haven't forgotten about it!

[Jake-From-Statefarm]

4188619 Well, I'll certainly read your other stories. You got my follow!

[Azure_Shadow]

4188640 Thank you good sir from the land of State Farm!

[Jake-From-Statefarm]

4188649 X3 Thank you.