Applebloom's toy

Azure Blackstone #1 · May 13th, 2014 · 2 · ·

Scootaloo tasted vaguely of oranges with a very faint trace of chicken.

Really? Since when do ponies know what chicken tastes like anyway?

Personally I'm not that crazy about foalcon, but it's written decently and I wouldn't mind reading future chapters. I did notice quite a few grammatical errors though: I can do a sweep for you if you like.

Ocelot8

Ocelot8 #2 · May 13th, 2014 · · ·

Reply

4382334 Thank you, I might take you up on that offer.

The chicken thing was a bit of a joke (Not even I can think of why a pony would taste like chicken (or anything else for that matter). Carnivorous fetishes?) When I asked on a forum what Scootaloo would taste like, I got "chicken" as an answer so much I had to put it in somehow, even as an awful joke.

I'm really glad you liked it.

AnonponyDASHIE

AnonponyDASHIE #3 · May 13th, 2014 · · ·

Reply

You should bump getting an editor higher up on your to-do-list, or at the very least run your stories through a word processor's automatic spelling and grammar checks before posting them up.

While the structure of the scene was decent, or as much as can be for a story with no set-up, no plot, and little emotion, there were numerous spelling, grammar, and syntax errors. Applebloom lacks her distinctive speech patterns, which if you didn't want to write, I must ask why not use a different pony? Most of the sex reads like a list, just going down and listing the actions with too little expansion and description. Linger a bit more on things, give plenty of descriptive language, feeling, and emotion to pull your reader into the experience.

You have the basics of structure down, but you need an editor to help you refine your skill. Read more mature stories with a critical eye to things like character development, action & response, the use of sounds & dialogue, tactile description, and emotion. That will help you build your own skill and knowledge base.

4382334

Scootaloo tasted vaguely of oranges with a very faint trace of chicken.
Really? Since when do ponies know what chicken tastes like anyway?

Took the words right out of my mouth. This really is a completely over-used joke, and this instance really reaches for it.

Ocelot8

Ocelot8 #4 · May 13th, 2014 · · ·

Reply

4382423 Thats alot of good points, thank you. The google.docs editor must have missed a ton of grammar errors, that's what I get for relying too much on spell check.

I think I will remove that chicken joke, it is very cliche. Still ,was worth a shot, well not really.

Like you pointed out, it is more logical than it should be. Probably because my mind is way too logical.

I clean forgot about the speech patterns, gonna fix asap.

Thank you again, this gives me some clear things to work on.

And I am honored that you read my humble fic. I love Xenophilia!

Azure Blackstone

Azure Blackstone #5 · May 13th, 2014 · · ·

Reply

Alright, here's what I found:

Applebloom winced into her gag at the sudden pain.

They swapped places? I'm guesing you meant Scootaloo.

Experience told her that the vibrater was one of the best pleasure that she ever experienced.

*vibrator *pleasures

...beg for something, certainly not something as ...

Just the one space

“Thats better.

*That's
Also you need some quotation marks at the end.

...Applebloom warned her pet. Flicking her whip across Scootaloo’s flank, alarmingly close to pussy.

This just feels clunky. Replace the full stop with a comma, get rid of the other comma and probably get rid of "across Scootaloo's flank" as well.

....leaving Scootaloo’s but sore with....

*butt

...leaving her wet genetials tantilisingly out of reach of Scootaloo.

*genitals *tantalizingly

Scootaloo kept sucking on Appleblooms teat.

*Applebloom's
This one gets repeated soon after.

That's about all I could find. If you like I can give your next chapter a once-over before you publish it as well: it's not like I have any stories to do at the moment.

Ocelot8

Ocelot8 #6 · May 13th, 2014 · · ·

Reply

4382908 Phew, ok I think that's all of them.

Thank you so much!! The story needed that.

Once again, I think I will take you up on your kind offer, thank you.

PiMan

PiMan #7 · May 13th, 2014 · 1 · ·

Reply

I like a good ScootaBloom fic as much as the next ~~pervert~~ guy, but I can't really judge this one since BDSM just isn't my thing. Yes, I know you said it was there right in the description, but I looked anyway just in case it was a very mild case; I can still get into that if the rest of the fic holds up.

Little Jackie Papercut