• Member Since 8th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen Last Tuesday

CCC


T

This story is a sequel to Roaming


Applejack goes home for Christmas.

She has news to tell her parents... about the fact that there's a portal, open three days every thirty moons, to an alternate universe in the courtyard of Canterlot High. But that can wait until tomorrow.

Today, Clementine Apple has a perfectly innocent question to ask her daughter...

This story is a sequel to Skywriter's excellent story Roaming.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 26 )

This is off to a good start. Plays well with the source material of Skywriter's work.:ajsmug:

The only thing I would suggest is that you might want to tone down AJ's accent. It isn't unreadable, but a few sentences start to look unreadable after the fourth ' in a row.:applejackconfused:

If you decide to continue this, I would be mighty happy to read it!

I'm only questioning why she has to tell them something they're most likely not going to believe. I understand it to be the plot, but it couldn't be anything else?

After AJ tells the whole story, I can anticipate Mrs. Apple's next question.

"Are you doing drugs?"

Anyway, this was a nice little followup. I agree with Fuzzyfervet that the accent should be toned down a little though.

Short but sweet. A shame AJ didn't encounter the local Twilight, but she does seem to be in a different city. Still, thank you for a touching bit of family togetherness.

4061394
Bearer of Honesty. She figures it's going to slip out at some point. Better to let it happen on her terms.

CCC

4059957

This is off to a good start. Plays well with the source material of Skywriter's work.:ajsmug:

:yay: yay!

The only thing I would suggest is that you might want to tone down AJ's accent.

Hmmm, yeah. I may have gone just a teensy bit overboard there.

I may have overdone it with her a bit, because Clementine doesn't have the accent and I was concentrating more on keeping it out of Clementine's lines...

If you decide to continue this, I would be mighty happy to read it!

I should probably mention that I don't currently have any plans to continue this. :twilightsmile: But I'm glad you liked it.

4061394

She's the dimensional alternate of a pony who's so honest that it earned her a magical necklace and a position as one of the ponies to go to in case of a Discord-level disaster. Also, family means a lot to her.

I don't somehow see her not wanting to at least try to explain it all to her family.


4061481

After telling the whole story, I can anticipate Mrs. Apple's next question.

"Are you doing drugs?"

And the question after that: "Are you sure?"

Anyway, this was a nice little followup. I agree with Fuzzyfervet that the accent should be toned down a little though.

Yeah, I'm going to have to find the 'accent' dial and turn it down juuuuust a touch in the future, I think. I don't want to turn it down too far, of course...


4061557

Short but sweet. A shame AJ didn't encounter the local Twilight, but she does seem to be in a different city. Still, thank you for a touching bit of family togetherness.

:twilightsmile:

At the very least, she goes to a different school.

Though, since Clementine and Cortland are alive here but not in Equestria, that raises the distinct possibility that Human Twilight might not be alive... a question which may or may not be gain a canon answer in Equestria Girls Two, when it comes out.

This was pretty impressive! You managed to capture the feeling of the original, but still made the story wholly your own. I liked how you characterized Human AJ and her parents, and how short and sweet the story was, never really overstaying its welcome. Great work!

Nice little nod to Pinkie Apple Pie there. Probably be much easier to figure that one out, what with all them fancy DNA checks.

4061988

A pony she's hasn't met. I would have a hard time thinking it mattered except to the select few that share similar knowledge, but making it a big deal to others who have no inkling? A bit of a stretch to me.

Sell it to me.

I feel like there are some problems with this story.

4061988

I think it's the 'Ah' that pushes the accent too far. Common enough in AJ fics, yes, and it kinda sounds like the way she says it, but not exactly. It looks more like the way a doctor would say "Now open your mouth and say 'ah'". The reader still has to mentally correct the sound of it, only now they have to do it backwords.

Similar thing with 'mah'.

However it seems that the closet full of spare Hats and Bows in "Somepony to Watch Over Me" discredits the belief that Applejacks hat is an heirloom from her Pa. :ajbemused:

CCC

4062364

Thank you :twilightsmile:

4062447

You'd think so, but DNA checks cost money. And they don't accept balloons or cupcakes instead, even in large quantities.

4062757

I think our worldviews are different enough that it's not worth the trouble. After all, it's only a plot point in a fanfic... it's not that important. :twilightsmile:

4062940

Could you perhaps be a little bit more specific?

4063980

Huh. Perhaps I've been reading too many fanfics with the Apple accent in, but now when I read 'ah' and 'mah' it's just like AJ says it.

4064725

You're right, it does. :twilightsmile: But that plot point was clearly established in Roaming, which was written before the hats and bows closet was seen... so I stuck with it for internal consistency.

You have something interesting here, but those accents are awful. Give us a few cues, then write normally. We'll pick up whatever accents they may have.

Hah, neat. I found this just a few days after reading Roaming for the first time, and completely coincidentally, too- I read Games then decided to check out your other stories.

Coooool. It was a cute little sequel, true to the original.

Its cute, and a nice continuation on the original. I really would like to see a story were human Applejack explains what happened to her parents though.

CCC

5387613

That sounds like a good idea.

I wish the written word could adequately express how loud I'm laughing right now. Pinkie Pie... telephoned an alternate universe to find out if she was an Apple! Even by this site's standards, that's hilarious!

Also, great story. Human!Applejack's not going to have the easiest conversation, is she?

5609404
I think that was supposed to be human!Pinkie?

CCC

5919453

Yeah... that was supposed to be human!Pinkie.

The story still works the other way round, but I admit that at the time of writing I honestly hadn't considered that...

Well, now I want to know how the meeting will go.

5920449
I can totally see pinkhorse trying to find a way to phone people in another universe just to ask if they happen to know if she's related to them. I can also see Twilight letting her do it because she would take Pinkie's word for it when told that "it's like really super important".

The sudden realization on AJ's part...

Ow. Those were my feels you just punched.

CCC

6525420

An unfortunate occasional hazard.

...I did put the "Sad" tag on it as a warning...

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

Roaming was great, but this just doesn't satisfy as a followup. :/

CCC

6664864

Roaming sets a very high bar.

I can't help but echo Present Perfect's sentiment, and my own adamancy that a character-driven story cannot be told in a thousand words.
This is so short that there's zero emotional punch, it just kinda flits in and leaves just as quickly.
C-, with points given for a good premise and a fairly solid showing. If about 9,000 words too short.

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