The Real McCoy
“I was right, you realize.”
“I am aware.” When the princess did not deign to continue, I was forced to hedge. “...about what in particular, your highness?”
“That a certain pegasus has made a half-dozen attempts to beg, borrow, or bribe to retrieve the crown’s assistance with regards to your absence.”
“...She is in no trouble, I hope?”
Celestia gave me a sour look, but I felt a wealth of conflicted emotions from her. There was irritation, surely, but also a bit of pride. It will forever confuse me that Princess Celestia is so pleased by ponies refusing to obey her, even when she has their best intentions at heart and said defiance irritates her. “It is a near thing. Your particular situation is a troubled one. And right now, I fear if I revealed your presence to Canterlot, the castle would be invaded for the second time in as many months. My only greater fear at the moment is what would become of you, and by extension them.”
“...Them, your highness?”
“Ponies are easily frightened, Idol. Often, new ideas must be introduced slowly. Unicorns of old had such a bizarre explanation for astronomy that explaining that the universe is not heliocentric was… complex. Would you believe I was once accused of Discordant Thought? In my own throne room, no less?”
“I am not sure of the terminology, but I dislike the accusation on principle of its similarity to other individuals.”
“How very Idol of you. Our world has a… unique astral pattern. The orbit is unsustained and requires correction.” At my blank stare, she waved a hoof. “It’s very complicated and at the same time, not very complicated at all. It’s not until you get Luna involved that it becomes far more in-depth. If it makes you feel better, consider what we do with the sun and moon to be less ‘controlling’ and more akin to navigation, with Luna more in tune with the details.”
“...I have absolutely no idea what any of that meant. I am nonetheless relieved to know that we are in capable hooves.”
“It was worth a shot. I never know what you’re going to be oddly informed about.”
I had to raise an eye at that. “Fair, but… astrophysics, your Highness?”
“Even knowing the term is vaguely surprising for you.”
“I live with a college professor,” I shrugged, then winced, as she had actually managed to bring me back around to her originally chosen topic. “...Lived.”
“You might want to reconsider filing a change of address, Idol. And even this situation is… only until we can make determinations about what we are going to do with you.”
“I would expect exile, at the least.”
“Yes, well, you expect a lot of unreasonable things. Lowering your expectations of unjust punishment almost feels like I’m disappointing you.”
I straightened the blankets on my cot for the untoldth time. “We disagree on what constitutes ‘unjust’ in regards to my failings.” I scowled at the sheet which inexplicably did not line up yet again. I had checked it thrice to ensure that it was perfectly rectangular, and yet no matter what I tried, I was coming up short. I did not even use the poor mattress, and yet its insistence on making me appear slovenly was possibly the worst part of being in this cell. It seemed to reflect upon my life somehow, and I was not in the mood for introspection.
“We disagree on what constitutes your failings, and on whether they’re legal or merely personal. You punish what you want to stop, not the activities you want to continue.”
I frowned, but… arguing with Princess Celestia was already pushing the boundaries of what I could trust myself to do. And, to my great consternation, the sheet was still not tucked properly. “...How does everyone fare after the wedding?”
She raised an eye. “You realize that the cot isn’t even, and that barely counts as segue.”
“How are we supposed to have uniform bedding if the beds are not uniform?”
“Greatest mysteries of the world. As for your friends and compatriots, most are… well, coping as well as can be imagined. Jumping at shadows and more than a few ponies have gotten into fights over some perceived ‘impostor mistake’. A few… minor disasters. The Night Guard broke up what very nearly became a riot against the beekeepers. Having a fondness for insects is a questionable trait at the moment, and a few livelihoods have been damaged quite severely. Of all things, there’s a push to blame pestponies.”
“That seems counterintuitive.”
“Well, why else would the queen of bugs wage war on Equestria?” Celestia’s eyes went wide as her wings flared with sudden distress. “I was quoting, I didn’t mean to imply that you’re… um… insects.”
I blinked a few times, slowly. Then, just to ensure she understood that I took no offense, I blinked once more. “Your Highness, we are insects. Or something similar. Topaz has not quite figured out our phylogeny, as a common ancestor between insects and ponies would be so far removed as to be basically irrelevant. Nonetheless, I am not a ‘bug’ as you quoted. It’s actually a very specific taxonomical subset.”
“...Topaz has done a fair bit of research on you, hasn’t she?”
“Can you blame her?”
“Sometimes, Idol, you phrase things so terribly that I really don’t know if you’re doing it on purpose. I nearly made a crass comment.” She rubbed her face in a wing, sighing. “My point was, that is incredibly unethical. For a number of reasons! There might even be doctor/patient concerns!”
“I believe that is between the two of us. I am entirely capable of making my own decisions. Or… was. I do not know for sure anymore. Regardless.”
“Still, she’s been trying to get in to see you, and I’m displeased to consider that she abused your situation for her own knowledge.”
“I will thank you to consider it no further. I have done enough to abuse Topaz’s faith in me without allowing you to misunderstand her intentions.”
“... I believe that’s the closest you’ve ever come to telling me to mind my own business.”
“And I am horrified at my own audacity and will take whatever punishment you deem justified for my insolence and rudeness, but I fear Topaz’s actions are not fully her own. I… do not know what I have done to her, but I hope time and distance will cure her.”
Princess Celestia stared at me, clearly weighing something through her displeasure. Finally, she shook her head. “I think you should talk to her. But refusing to do so is up to you, I can’t exactly force you to accept visitation.”
I glanced at the bars between us, then to the co-ruler of Equestria. I did not make a skeptical expression, because reality was quite rude enough to be so blatantly inaccurate in the face of such certainty.
“...Technically yes, I could do exactly that, but you know very well what I mean. You are running from a problem you should be facing. It is un-guardly.”
“I do not think that is a word, Your Highness.”
“It is. It’s Equish, I’m the ruler of the Equestrians. I get to make up words whenever I feel like it, it’s one of the perks.”
“...I have never heard of that rule,” I admitted with some uncertainty.
“Well, who do you suppose wrote the rules?”
I tilted my head, considering. “...I suppose that makes sense.”
Celestia sighed. “I can never tell if you’re being utterly sarcastic or just the perfect straight man for a comedy setup.”
“Likely whichever is least appropriate for my station, truthfully, though I confess I only presume that you are kidding. I find that I am more sarcastic than I ought to be and less savvy when it is important. I am trying to do better,” I admitted, chagrined.
My stomach took that moment to voice its dissatisfaction with my incarceration, the absolute traitor.
Celestia eyed me with surprise, quite taken aback. “I didn’t realize love was… digestible.”
“It is not, exactly, Your Highness.”
“Idol. Do you actually need to eat?”
“...”
“...Idol. We thought changelings ate love. Do you need to eat food?”
“Of course, your Highness.”’
“You’ve been in here for days and never said a word about being hungry! Has anyone brought you anything?!”
“I presumed short rations were part of my punishment. Or it simply slipped everypony’s mind. It is fine, I am not truly hungry.” My traitorous gut protested vigorously. “Please ignore that.”
“Short rations are never- you stay here. I’m getting you a cake. And a mree.”
Far be it for me to disobey her orders to remain incarcerated… but I had no idea what a ‘mree’ was.
It is an MRE. Celestia must never know.
Regardless, the rations were more than appreciated, and Celestia’s extreme fear of my situation was unfounded, but the cake was even more welcome. Celestia likes it almost sweet enough to suit my preference, though she feels more strongly about ‘cake’ than she does ‘icing’, which is more a matter of taste than a personal failing. That said, buttercream in copious quantities makes everything better, including MREs.
“Are you feeling better now?”
“I was not unduly disturbed prior.”
“You licked the plate.”
“And I would do it again. Whilst I would never deny your Highness her cake, I will also not dare to waste so much as a precious crumb if I am ordered to enjoy it.”
“You have a forked tongue,” she stated, seemingly startled. “...you claim to be an insect, but I thought insects don’t have tongues at all.”
“Bees do. Some others, presumably. And it is not always forked.” Here, I stuck out the appendage, aiming my face away because sticking one’s tongue out at royalty was a serious insult. The end split and merged without issue. “I believe an ease of shifting this particular organ is required should we imitate other species. Not being able to make various vocalizations would be an immediate giveaway.”
Her expression seemed torn between curiosity and mild disgust. “That is horrifyingly fascinating,” Celestia admitted.
“Surely you cannot judge Topaz, then.”
The royal visage before me narrowed her eyes. “Nice try. I most certainly can, will, shall, and am doing so, even still.”
“You cannot blame me for seeking to clear up such mischaracterizations.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes. I was beginning to become concerned that my presence was disrupting the rule of Equestria, but reasoned that Celestia might have good call to suspend public court for at least a few days while the city was in recovery.
“...I have to ask. So why Idol?”
“Ah. That is a very complex question, your Highness… Er… why Idol… what?”
“I mean, I understand that you are… well, you, but you could have made yourself look like anything.”
I was not entirely sure why, but that hurt, somehow. “...What is wrong with me?”
“Well… I just mean… you intended yourself as a model guard, right?”
“Not… originally, no…”
“You could have… bulked up over the years? Added a bit of height, perhaps, surreptitiously? Idealized yourself, somewhat. I don’t think I would have been able to resist, with that power.”
“Most grown ponies do not grow in height, your Highness. And we undergo routine weight and height inspections to ensure our good health. I am as solid as an earth pony. As for that… I like myself, but changing a disguise is something that should be done subtly. When I added too much bulk at once, it upset Topaz in… ways I am suddenly aware were not displeasure. Ahem. Regardless. We maintain mostly a static appearance, I believe. Ponies are very sight-based.”
“Not even to add scars? Idol, you could have put that bite mark on your leg into your disguise. Is that from the timberwolf incident?”
“Hmm? Oh. This? It is from a maulwurf. It is not new, nor is it mine.”
Princess Celestia took a moment to consider this, and then the most perplexed expression I have ever seen on royalty slowly broke out over her face. “...What?”
“In truth, this is not my leg. I am shamed to say mine was destroyed in my failed attempt to protect Princess Cadance.” Here, I motioned towards the seam between the new leg and where my old had been. “You see, this is where the original… well, began to dissolve-”
Perhaps I had grown too accustomed to discussing biological matters with Topaz. Princess Celestia was… less accustomed, it turns out, having turned quite green before fleeing the dungeon.
When she returned, it was with an extremely flustered physician, and I admit I panicked and resumed my Idol Hooves disguise perhaps a moment after they entered.
“Your Highness, you said Idol lost his leg, and here he stands with all four. If this is a joke, it’s one of your worst. And I thought he was missing or searching for the changelings or something-”
Celestia waved a hoof in my direction rapidly, still looking ill. “Take that off, please take it off now.”
While I was less than used to revealing myself so blatantly, I could hardly refuse the order, even if Tender Care was not precisely someone I would have otherwise revealed myself to... “The stallion’s already missing his armor, what… Princess Celestia, that is a changeling.”
“Yes, yes, I know, it’s complicated, national security, I need you to look at his leg.”
“Look at hi- Damn it, Celestia! I’m a doctor of ponies, not some… insect surgeon! Zebras are in my range. I can handle a minotaur with anything torso and below. I can manage my way around a gryphon, with the right reading materials. I don’t know a damn thing about changelings and I don’t want to, and why in the darkest pits of Tartarus is one of them imitating Idol Bucking Hooves?! If one of the blasted devils took a bite of my niece, I’d have it launched at the side of the mountain from a bloody catapult! And it has its legs!”
“They are not all my legs,” I tried to clarify. “Mine were damaged, but I do not think-”
“It stole someone’s bucking legs?! Your Highness-!”
Celestia’s hoof slammed down hard enough that I could swear the whole cell rumbled. “Enough, both of you! Tender Care, I want you to examine him carefully. Idol claims that he was injured attempting to protect Cadance and that a repair of some sort was done. I want a medical evaluation.”
“And if I refuse?”
“...then I will find a new doctor who won’t. But I hope I won’t have to. Besides, you know Idol, and this,” she sighed, waving a hoof in my direction. “... is Idol. Him being a changeling is very much news to those who knew him, but I require your discretion on that until further notice. I’ve seen combat medicine, and I’m aware it’s often a stopgap until proper medical care is gathered. To my knowledge, he’s received none at all.”
“I do not think that is necessary, your Highness. I am reasonably sure it is fine. It just… itches, a bit. And does not always transform as it should.”
Tender Care’s eye twitched. “An itch. Inside your leg, where surgery was performed.”
“Y...Yes?”
The stallion glared at me for a minute, then grunted. “Fine. Lay down, show me that leg.”
What followed was a short but thorough investigation of my foreleg and indeed, portions of my rear legs as well. Tender Care had gentle hooves, truly, but his bedside manner still left something to be desired, with all the questions and poking.
“Well?”
“...It’s disgusting. Absolutely abominable. And yet,” the unicorn grumbled, begrudgingly. “...I would kill to read any medical manuals whoever did this happened to write.”
“Excuse me?”
“Princess Celestia, your understanding of medicine is passable but by no means expert. Suffice to say… I believe him. Look.” A faint glow surrounded his horn, and a patch of uniform color bloomed on my side. “Biothaumic signature. Obviously Idol, whether from mane, horn, fresh blood, whatever.” Similar spots appeared on my original leg, then a different tone of the same color appeared above the maulwurf scar on my new leg. “Obviously not Idol. This… is a graft.” He said, with something approaching reverence.
“Ponies are given transplants all the time, I thought. I myself am an organ donor.”
“Not bloody sure what the point is, given that if something happens to you we’re all going to die cold, but least one of us is going to get one Tartarus of a ticker. Regardless, that’s one thing. Finding compatible ponies for parts is hard enough. Not every pony can donate a kidney to every other pony, it just doesn’t work. Part of the reason for biothaumic color theory. Closer the color is, the more likely it is to work out. Science gives us better results, but it’s typically a good solid way to check for rough compatibility. I wouldn’t lop somepony’s leg off in a million years, and if I found a pony who needed one I’d refer them to get a prosthesis. This?” He jabbed a hoof into the connection point between new and old legs. “Your highness. If you asked me to do this in a sterile room, I’d quit. I’d just walk out, because it’s impossible. The best case scenario, you’d have a limb that doesn’t work. Worst case, it’d fester and you’d have a sick or even dead pony instead of a pony without a leg.”
“But… he has one.”
“He has three, in fact,” Tender Care agreed, looking… exhausted. “...and it’s amazing. And you said she did this on the fly?”
“My old leg basically rotted off at the stump,” I agreed. “And I do not think more than an hour had passed before I was walking on this one. I did not even realize the Queen had done it at the time.”
The physician shook his head. “...Master biomancer. It’s the only explanation. You can’t simply do something like that without vast practice, and… and so many failures. Failures upon failures.” Here, his voice shook. “And she did this in a filthy guardroom, with a beaten stallion, with a limb she apparently salvaged from one of her own fallen, completely unprepared.”
I was more than a little put out by the description. “My room is not filthy.”
“It’s not disinfected, so it might as well be. Your Highness, from a standpoint of a doctor and military medic, this is enormous. If what Idol says is accurate, she repaired him on a whim. If she can do that… the changeling situation might be considerably worse than expected. There were a few thousand in that invading force, and who knows how many of them were injured in the blast. But if the Queen is capable of doing this to Idol, making what should have been a grievously incapacitated pony functional, perhaps even combat ready in under an hour… I’m not sure how we’d even fight them.”
“I’m not sure what you mean.”
“...You’d have to be brutal. Leave nothing behind.” The doctor looked ill. “If their Queen can use them all like spare parts, a broken limb means nothing. Four injured individuals with different broken limbs, turn them into three whole and hale individuals and one that needs to recover. It’s… horrifying. But… Harmony, I’d want to see it.” He gave a quick shake of his head, clearing his thoughts. “Weirder still, doesn’t look like there’s rejection, even though there ought to be.
“Magic, then?”
“Your Highness, magic does a fair bit. But all healing magic does is amp up the speed something would happen naturally, with a bit of a boost. If there’s an infection, you have to use specific spells to cleanse things, and it’s usually pretty unpleasant. Nopony’s ever figured out what sort of spells you need to make incompatible organs work. Even a limb lost accidentally, it’s typically easier to reattach it surgically and use magic to make it ‘work’. But for this sort of thing, he’d need magic at play all the time to keep it working. You can’t force Harmony. Some things just aren’t meant to be, and unless you want to keep magicking someone to be not sick, eventually they need to recover on their own. So… I suppose they’re just different from us. I don’t really know what all that entails, but I don’t think this is likely to kill him and I don’t think he’s in danger of it rotting off.”
“It has been suggested that our magic is different. I believe a… thaumograph showed it as straight lines instead of curves.”
Tender hemmed. “Could be. Might explain why it’s worked so well, some sort of different kind of magic working on it every time you transform or whatnot. Not a magical theorist. I don’t really have any idea what all that means, but… maybe? Your Highness, I’m sorry, but the extent of my medical knowledge is this; it’s an enormous mess and I want no part of it. Ever ask me to experiment on anything to see if I could do this myself, and I’ll denounce you. Let me know if you learn anything.”
“A bit of a mixed message, doctor.”
“The knowledge is out there and it exists. If I could save ponies, I don’t give a damn where the knowledge came from, and I’d have a responsibility to use it wisely if I do have access to it. Tartarus, I don’t want it as much as I do. The best we can do for those who’ve suffered is not make their loss worthless, but Harmony, I wish I could imagine better circumstances. Your Queen is either a monster, brilliant, or both, and probably mad as a hatter regardless.”
“I hope the second but fear it may be the third. And… the last I dread to consider further.”
The doctor nodded grimly. “Your Highness. I’m going to go drown my ethical quandaries with whiskey and try not to think about it. I recommend you do the same.” And with that, he left.
It was one way to make an exit, I supposed.
“...are there any other horrors you’re going to unveil on me today, Idol?”
I considered briefly, then had to nod. “I may be under an element of semi-permanent mind control?”
“...Oh for Harmony’s sake.”
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I had to stop for a moment when I realize I saw this story updated and I made a sound of surpise and joy.
What have you done to me?
I too, would be irritated upon learning that the model guard within my guard was a shapeshifting insect thing and had his limbs replaced using biomancy, reveals that he made be under semi-permanent mind control. I think Celestia deserves to go get a drink along with the doctor after this.
Ah, good. An update.
And it's hilarious, of course.
Glad to see this is still alive.
Now I know nothing about surgery, but this implies some very serious surgical errors that would make any doctor want to beat up Chrysalis with a stick.
10930463
I have almost been late for work a couple times because of it.
poor Tia
Yay update.
And I love the lore building and analysis here.
Just a changeling and a princess sitting in a cell, learning horrific details about the former. My favorite podcast.
Only Idol would casually mention that he might be a sleeper agent.
Well, at least they can be prepared for the mind control thing now.
I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.
Poor, Celestia. I think she's going to need a few drinks after this. How much alcohol can an Alicorn drink before their liver fails?
Oh, this "new" Idol is still Idol.
I love this story so much.
Meals Rejected by Equestrians?
Woo! This finally finally updated. And at least Celestia can now work on removing that mind control now that Idol can finally admit it exists.
Very.
...little of both? It doesn't happen often, but Idol is capable of some sarcasm from time to time. Though, given his Idol ways, it often flies over the heads of others.
Dr. Leonard McCoy you are not...but good attempt at an impression.
I dunno, I think you underestimate Idol's penchant for tidiness.
Really, all of the above pretty much sums up Chysalis in a nutshell.
I'm surprised he hadn't already made that clear by now--it's not like he's been keeping that detail to himself, and I do recall him verbally alluding to it aloud before now.
Congrats on the nephew!
10930534
> Dr. Leonard McCoy you are not...but good attempt at an impression.
Well, this is "The Real McCoy".
Come on Celestia say it. Idol pollinate Topaz flowers. Topaz is Idol's queen and she needs a new pupae to rise. Well all I can say Topaz will eat Idol's head off when he gets out (I mean nagging).
10930545
Oh, I'm not ignorant of the obvious word play in the chapter's title here.
Hehe, this made my day
10930487
Did you intend the "pod" pun?
It lives! Seeing this absolutely made my day! Thank you!
Proof that Celestia is not infallible.
I am hoping Idol is able to finally have romance.
He should also mention he may of been able to transform into a alicorn at one point. And now it is questionable
This has made my week I'm always over joyed when this updates.
Yay you and this is alive.
But then again, aren't most of Chrissy's drones until some form of mind control??
10930534
Wasn't it said that the Goo sleeping bags were sterile or something?
10930604
TBF, this wouldn't be something ponies know about.
10930573
I would gather to say that it is not completely out of the picture. He practically already has a family with Topaz and "Nymph".
10930465
Wouldn't that be a sight. It would make for an interesting newspaper article complete with a picture.
10930608
I believe so (it's been a good while since the topic last came up), though I don't know if that would still translate to as "sterile" as would be preferred in the medical sense.
10930471
Nerve end sensitivity during the healing process. Could also be the body's histamine reaction.
And yes, also possibly an infection.
I think his eye twitched at the implication that his whole leg was actually surgically grafted.
dont forget the nymph who treats you as a father figure though not really horrifying
10930572
I laughed at this SO HARD. What a great moment.
Oh how I missed this. This chapter was so entertaining and funny that I can't select one part as my favorite. It was also very informative. Topaz will both freak and be fascinated about the limb transplant. In fact it was a bit disappointing that she wasn't there to explain some stuff about insects, both of them would have been able to make some interesting theories.
10930581
He need to keep a few headblowing surprises for the next chapter. That retelling of their discussion will probably make her go straight into the wine cellar and not come out for a few days...
this chapter may have taken a bit to get out but dam this is good.
I snerk every time I think of this line.
10930640
to be fair when I was a soldier we pronounced them MIR to cut down on a couple syllables
(calling from the back of the truck to my buddy in the gunner seat )Hey you want a Mir?
This was an unexpected line of conversation. I read it a few times thinking I had misunderstood what was going on.
Ah, the beauty of exposition that doesn't drag.
The sheer blunt unawareness of Idol is downright weaponized in his interactions with the others, now that he's known as changeling.
This was a delight to read.
I definitely don't mind the slowness, as after the rushing events eith the wedding, some wind-down is much needed.
And congratulations on the nephew!
Just wanted to say congratulations to you and your family. Even years after the fact, I'm still a little bit staggered to know that I have nephews of my own, so I have a pretty good idea what it's like for other people.
And also...
Yeah, that one's worth a laugh.
My greatest regret about this fic is that I cannot upvote it again each time it updates, because every chapter just slots so perfectly into place that I can never lose sight of why this is one of my absolute favorite stories. The ongoing interactions between Idol and Celestia are hilarious, but I must admit, I am just dying of anticipation to see him finally interact with Topaz and Mothchaser. And to see those two interact with each other.
already hungry for more
Oh it is much worse than you would think Doc.
Chrysalis saved Idol on a whim, putting the entire medical branch of Equestria to shame.
What you don't know, is that even cracking the shell of a changeling almost completely in half is considered minor damage.
If you don't blow off a limb or damage organs, the changelings will be back to normal by the next molt. That is without almost any medical treatment. Just any random changeling can supposedly do this.
Wait... what will happen with Idol's next molt?
10930661
She was asking why didnt he change himself to be more handsome or stronger
I mean If you have complete control over your entire body few people would be able to resist being fitter or adding to their private parts
10930661
That line made me do a double-take. My brain read it with an extra word:
This was a great chapter!
Quick show of hooves! Who here thinks at this rate Idol's going to give poor Celestia a major Migraine? ?
I wouldn't say that Idol's done suffering... but for this one chapter, at least, Celestia definitely suffered the most.
I love this story beyond words, Im so glad for this chapter, amazing as always!
10930611