I can be both a positive sunflower and a cynical f**k. It depends which life I am living. (Formerly known as Riffmaster)
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Pinkie Pie was always known for her crazy antics. But she just raises the bar on this one.
Somehow, someway, she found herself a unicorn horn. Even worse, she finds out she can use magic.
Everypony should be afraid.
This story has been slightly re-written! Enjoy it for what it is now!
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A decent story, but your writing needs work. You have a lot of bad grammar, misspellings, and punctuation mistakes. I strongly recommend you find a prereader and/or editor, perhaps in the fimfiction groups..
Do a Spike Sequal
4054691
Basically what he said. An interesting idea, but your technical and descriptive skills need some honing.
Well leeeets see what I can offer. As always this is meant to be constructive
.
I actually really like the premise quite a bit, we've already seen some particularly powerful magical trinkets and the like at work so I've got no problem in it at all. Really I think it was something that fits in perfectly with the Alicorn amulet in that it changes the personality of the bearer to be more malicious. That, in essence, is how I read the story going forward and it's what I really thought worked in its favor as far as the item itself goes. It's clever and fun. That or it's a Mirrorling and that makes the story interesting too (wonder how many of those have been done. hmmm).
The story itself really is quite good too, it's a fun little romp through another weekly terror, and culminates with that age old public service message here: “Don't put it in your mouth if you don't know what it is.” Basically, don't toy around with things that are weird and might be dangerous. The actual rising tide of Pinkie's antics continually built but I couldn't help but notice a distinct lack of prismatic Pegasi particularly around one peculiar storm
There was a lot of fun little touches, including the chocolate rain dance!
Now, there is something of a dissonance in themes here but I find most of them are entirely understandable with the Ailicorn Amulet in mind. Pinkie mentioned she thought responsibility was boring: though that was the crux of 'Babycakes'. That said, 'Too Many Pinkie Pies' kind of lampshades that by having her simply afraid of it and never owning up to anything either. This story firmly fits into the second group, and combined with something like the magic horn, it works well. Now, what I do like is Twilight's reluctance to believe in Pinkie's story initially, which goes back to 'Griffin the Brush Off' and Twilight's whole soapbox stance on magic from 'Feeling Pinkie Keen'. So I can imagine the idea of an untaught, spell-casting Pinkie would be intensely distasteful for her.
Theme wise, Twilight, Rarity, and Applejack's episodes really seem to work fairly well for me. The chair acting as the focal point for Twilight let her contend with something so utterly bizarre that she had to take notice and believe in Pinkie's story. Rarity's ponyequins hemming her in and the mental image of the patchwork job they'd do to her was an interesting one too. Sweet Apple Acres being supported by apples but being unable to 'support' an apple was great. But I don't really 'get' Fluttershy's particular issue: it just seems to be malign rather than fun.
So, storywise it's fun and enjoyable.
As others have said, there's some grammatical problems. I'm not a grammar-Obershutze, but it can be difficult to read as there's quite a few instances of awkward sentence structure:
They read very strangely. I'm certainly not innocent when it comes to proliferating awkward phrases. My only piece of advise is to read the sentence aloud and if you get caught up or hesitate, then check it again.
There were a few tense and possessive issues as well:
Keys being flung 'them', and 'fiercer' and 'would'.
It's one of those 'things' that just takes time to root out.
There's also a number of near-homophones:
cause and wrestled respectively.
These can be annoying for a spell check program in particular as the words themselves, of course, aren't wrong. Rather, they're just out of place.
Finally, style wise there's quite a bit of repitition:
That's ignoring changing it to 'pulled out', 'brought', and 'time-to-time'
My only real recommendation is use a thesaurus to find alternates so you avoid using the same word twice in the same sentence or in consecutive sentences. Get more descriptive, it helps! It's also a ton of fun
There's a few spelling mistakes too, Caracel vs. carousel, but really a quick run through from an online grammar check will catch them without much of an issue.
Anyway, like I said, I liked the story for the story, I think it could still use a once over. I wish I could say I knew to the extent that it improved too: writing isn't about crafting a masterpiece in one go, it's about getting better all the time from the mistakes along the way. Keep at it, great work, and hope to see some more too! Y'alll take care now eh?
4058112
Thank you for the great criticism!
Now to fix those errors.
4058444
You're most welcome, mate. I saw you wanted some reviews from the 'I want a comment' thread, and I thought 'helpfulness is its own reward'.
Best of luck!
4058444 Still needs a lot of work. I couldn't make it all the way through because the grammar and spelling errors were just too painful. Just a few examples:
- It's "Carousel Boutique", not "Caracel".
brought, not brung (brung isn't grammatically correct under ANY circumstances!)
bent its
That's just a few examples of many errors you still need to fix. You should get a prereader and/or an editor to help you fix this.
Bad grammar and a story that at best was oddly paced. Also no set up or explanation of the horn is a big minus. Also, mean much?
Making a chair dance? Yes. Having it run away and damage the house by accident? Okay. Night of the Living ponyquins on Rarity, not very nice but maybe she didn't realise how they'd act once she left. Wreck Applejack's farm, mean. Turn Fluttershy's animals into ravening attackers who want to hurt her, no way. Pinkie specifically states she won't prank Fluttershy, and this si way beyond a prank. As for the weather spell, it's a real stretch to start with that an Earth pony would know anything about it,.
Unlike Trixie, who has a real case of 'My god, what have I done?' when the amulaet came off, Pinkie shows no remorse. So the horn wasn't affecting her mind like the amulet. That's why this is getting downvoted.
It's ok i guess
Nice! The grammer was a little wierd though.
Also did you know that a unicorn horn by itself is called an alicorn?
4104976
I am pretty sure that is a unicorn. Alicorn's has a set of wings and a horn.
4105774 No, I mean a unicorn horn with no unicorn is called a unicorn. Check wikipedia if you don't belive me.
Edit: Crap! I meant alicorn. A unicorn horn that's not attached to a unicorn is called an ALICORN.
So Discord made it and let Pinkie find it, that's what my money is on.
4109213 I thought it was just corn.
Other stories to likeSilent fractures
Export from wikipedia:
Leave it to spike to get magical powers and the first thing he does is grow a mustache? ...really spike?!
one meta joke later.it is a meta joke? (what does meta mean? does it mean like,diegetic,like the characters notice it? the stuff they shouldn't notice,like soundtrack and stuff?)