I used to question the MLP FiM show, but one episode and I got hooked on it. See my Fanfiction account ChaosMagemon for more than just MLP fics. Joined the Herd Nov 5, 2011
Two boys with the power of light and dark at their side who strive to reach their full potential will get their chance when they're transported into the land of Equestria and help the lands six heroes protect it from a new threat. But with the ponies at their side the two will be determined to protect the land and find a way back to their world.
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Huh. Wonder where this'll go.
I need to ask if English is your first language because you've got a lot of problems with your grammar. For example:
This sentence is just disjointed and has some problems. The main issue is your tenses. They're all over the place. Your use of the word "ducking" mixes this up and should be "ducked". There's also no reason to say that junk is in a junkyard. Also you're missing an "n" on the end of "know". It's also a borderline run on sentence but your mileage might vary on that.
You'd be better off writing it like this: In a place known as New York City on the planet known by its inhabitants as Earth, two eleven year old boys were ducked behind a pile of old typewriters. This is normally not a common thing in New York City but since they were in a junkyard it makes more sense."
You follow this up with physical descriptions of the characters. Nobody cares what they look like or how cool you think you and your friend look. Unless this plays a role in the story and is necessary to the plot or it's important that the reader know how they look, you should never include it.
Each one has Speshul Powahs and they don't actually talk like real people.
What follows are more issues, more run on sentences and a general feeling like I've read this story a hundred times before. These kids wind up in Equestria, are going to have lots of fun and adventures with the CMC and the Mane Six and are going to be super awesome while they do it.
It's been done before and definitely will be done again. I'd really look at getting a good proofreader and possibly an editor to fix these problems.
I get the feeling that Muse and Wildcard are Princess Celestia's and Princess Luna's parents. Am I right?
Uh, I think I'll pass on this one.
Well, shit.
There are a few things technically wrong here that make the text harder to read. I'd recommend to watch out where the reader's attention goes. For example, sentence length influences reading flow; the sentence lengths here appear to have happened randomly. Also, dialogue often isn't typed properly.
And please don't format paragraphs like that. Vertical space? No indentation then. When the entire context changes, adding some sort of marker helps, too.
It helps to read over it again, sequentially, with a clear mind that's not focused on what readers should think, but on what they might think. There's also lots of websites with general writing tips that could be applied to edit this.
Foot? I think you mean on Hoof?
comment on this please
4149770 Thank you. But the HiE fandom is so sensitive they're picky and critical about which are good and which are bad
Terra Quake, Aqua Blue, and Ventus Hurricane
4064905
I think you are correct
"Shotgun"? Isn't that from Yu Yu Hakasho?
yup that is true
Orochi sword...? Is that a reference to Orochimaru from Naruto?
4198192
Orochi is actually the Japanese term for Large Serpent
Really? Ninjago? REALLY?
Which show do Alistair and Dustin come from?
4544232 Nothing. They're my OC's
Man, they're loud.
One question... You said light/dark power comes from heritage. How would light/dark twins come about? Wouldn't both get the same power because of the same heritage?
Twilight insulted her friends. She said only Muse had a job and a life!
You misspelled "Warriors" in the title..
4213212
Yeah, what he said....
well done sir well done
4588970 TV trope scream so loud everyone outside of the area can hear you
I am curious to read more but its kinda dry, but, I liked it
What kind of pony would I be if I was biased against anypony who looks different from me?
You my good friend would be BlueBlood in almost every HiE fic.
Why would you have a map leading right to were the Gillian wants to go I get plot convenience but really
"Oh spare me, Luna. Day and a half out of the tomb and already I'm listening to a boring lecture," he replied, before speaking in an angry tone to the two princesses, "You two sisters locked me and my kind in your stuffy little den and tossed my tribe away into the depths like yesterday's garbage. Do you have any idea what it's like to be locked in a tomb for a thousand years?! It's boring. Not to mention repulsive with the odors we give off." he said in disgust.
I was half expecting him to say he'd had a Charley Horse since the Renaissance.
Ninja gooooo