• Published 8th Mar 2014
  • 4,509 Views, 60 Comments

My Perfect Gift for a Cellist - Selbi



Octavia loves cellos—that’s a fact. Octavia loves hot nights—that’s also a fact. Vinyl has the best idea ever for Hearts and Hooves Day

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Just for you, Tavi!

“Viiinyyyl…”

“Yeees, Tavi?”

“What is that?”

“What is what?”

“You know exactly what I mean, Vinyl.”

“I really have no clue what you’re talking about.”

“Okay, let me try and make myself clearer then. See my hoof here?”

“Yes. It’s a damn sexy hoof at that, I have to say.”

“Great. Can you also see where said hoof is pointing at?”

“Yeah. I can see that very clearly.”

“Amazing. Now, tell me, Vinyl, what is it this hoof is pointing at?”

“A book?”

“Probably not. Try again.”

“The Ancient Fires of Har-Kuun?”

“Two out of three. One more chance before I’ll slap you to next Thursday, Vinyl.”

“Okay, okay! Calm down! It’s a purple, life-sized cello made of rubber.”

“A rubber cello.”

“Yes, that’s what I just said.”

“You got me that as a gift.”

“Yes, a rubber cello. A little Hearts and Hooves Day gift for my sweet Tavi.”

“Your gift to me for Hearts and Hooves Day was a life-size cello made of rubber.”

“You’re really great at repeating things, Tavi!”

“Vinyl, I have a question: Why is your Hearts and Hooves Day gift to me a giant dildo shaped after a cello?”

“Well, you always say you love music and that you love your cello even more.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“That your ‘gift’ to me for Hearts and Hooves Day is a dildo shaped after a cello, Vinyl.”

“Your point being?”

“My point is that you gifted me a cello that I can literally love.”

“I still don’t see the problem. That is exactly the idea.”

“Well, for starters, a giant dildo shaped after a cello was not what I had in mind when I originally said I love cellos. Not at all.”


“Not even a little bit?”

“No.”

“Huh.”

“‘Huh’ indeed, Vinyl.”

“But hey, apart from it being made of rubber it looks almost like a real cello!”

“The bridge looks like it was specifically designed to be ridden on.”

“Everypony always dreamed to be a Cowgirl. For cellos. A Cellogirl.”

“The F-Holes look like they suddenly became literal.”

“At least their name finally makes sense again!”

“The endpin is a butt plug.”

“Heh, get it? End pin?”

“And the scroll, pegbox, and neck on the very top are shaped after a giant dick.”

“Yes, but it wobbles! Here, look! Wobble, wobble, wobble!”

“…”

“Everything alright, Tavi?”

“When I said I’d slap you to next Thursday I lied. I actually meant next forever.”

“You’re so cute when you’re angry.”

“I’m not joking, Vinyl.”

“You should see how red your cheeks are getting! Adorable!”

“Three…”

“Like, I’m not even joking. I’d nail you right here and now if we weren’t in public!”

“Two…”

“Oh wait, good that you raise your hoof. I almost forgot.”

“Wha–”

“Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, Tavi!”

“…”

“Well, say something!”

“Vinyl…”

“Yeees, Tavi?”

“What is this?”

“The other part of the rubber cello: a rubber bow.”

“May I ask you why it also looks like a butt plug on this end?”

“As much as I’m going to love seeing you smile and have fun with the cello in front of me, I can’t leave all that fun to you.”

“You gifted me this rubber cello so I could masturbate with it.”

“Yes.”

“In front of your eyes.”

“Absolutely.”

“While you please yourself with the rubber cello bow that came with it.”

“To be honest, nopony told me it’d cost extra. Those scammers!”

“I’m quite surprised the strings feel real.”

“They are real, Tavi. I actually went the extra mile to the music store just to buy those.”

“You know why I’m surprised?”

“Not really. Why?”

“Because you probably don’t have any idea what it feels like to get hit by a cello bow in the face.”

“Let me correct you right there, because I actually do.”

“I can’t recall incoherent BDSM nights, Vinyl.”

“You’re a completely different mare with the right amount of cider.”

“I’m also a completely different mare when I have a purple rubber bow with real strings on it in my hoof.”

“Oh wait, I forgot your other present.”

“To Celestia I swear, Vinyl, if this is another music-related sex toy–”

“Happy Hearts and Hooves Day!”

“Wait… what? Is… Is this a new bowtie?”

“Indeed! A new pink bowtie for my sweet Tavi!”

“Oh, Vinyl… And I almost thought all hope was lost with you. Thank you so much!”

“Always welcome. I made sure to get one exactly like your current one. I know how much you hate changes.”

“Yes, that’s a problem for me, isn’t it? Though I must admit, my old bowtie was getting pretty dirty already.”

“And it stopped being completely pink. I don’t even want to know what you did to make that happen.”

“Time happened, Vinyl.”

“Could be. Anyway, let me help you. Here, just a second. Aaand… Et voilà!”

“Thanks.”

“Ahh, you look so pretty…”

“Heh, thanks.”

“Prettier than ever…”

“Really, thanks.”

“I never saw how pretty you actually were before just now…”

“Okay, you can stop now.”

“This perfectly pink bowtie mixed with your perfectly not-pink mane and fur…”

“Stop.”

“All topped off with this perfect set of rubber cello and rubber bow.”

“I will not fap in front of you with this thing, Vinyl.”

Dammit.

“Which, as you can see, is still held in my hoof.”

“Waiting to unleash its musical power.”

“Waiting to unleash its physical power on you.”

“Yeah, unleash the power on me!”

“A bow to the head can really hurt, you know.”

“Yes! Play me like a cello!”

“…”

“Seduce me into making Electro-Classic crossovers with you… the hot way!”

“Please look at your cutie mark.”

“My cutie mark? Yes, I could see why you’d want some of my hot flank~”

“No, I actually meant the eighth notes.”

“Huh?”

“I will play blast beats on your head.”

“Since when are you into Death Metal?”

“Since you came into my life.”

“Oh cool. What are your favorite bands?”

“Mostly those singing about the misery of cellists that have chosen to live their lives with DJs.”

“Brutal.”

“Isn’t it?”

“Yeah, totes. So, is it fair to assume you don’t like your gift?”

“Yes. I’m pleased you are starting to see your sanity returning.”

“We can play some brutal blast beats later on.”

“And I think I can add some symphonic elements too.”

“Am I seeing a smile on your face, Tavi?”

“Yes. It’s a little symphony I wrote a while ago.”

“Cool, what’s it called?”

Vinyl Scratch: Agony and Ecstasy in Eight Parts.

“Wow, that sounds awesome! What are the parts?”

“Part one: Octavia will raise the bow she got from Vinyl Scratch.

“Interesting opening. What’s next?”

“Part two: Vinyl Scratch will run.

“Why would I do so?”

“Part three: There won’t be a part four.”

“Will there be a part five?”

“No. But there will be a part eight.

“Which is?”

Hospital.

“Wait what?”

“You have ten seconds of prelude to run.”

Author's Note:

Story Two in my Dialogue-only Cycle:
Last Night, Pinkie Pie Exploded – My Perfect Gift for a Cellist – Let Me Tell You Where This Will EndWoohoo, We’re about to CrashAnd Then Our House Went Boom

For more, check out the Group!

Comments ( 57 )

Oh... My fucking god.... I LOVE THIS!!!

Sexy and funny lol

Perfection.

All I can really say.

~Skeeter The Lurker

Vinyl Logic, Tavi. Don't question it.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh you. Yes it was funny. I laughed a lot at the start, but you maybe made this story too long. It started to drag at the end. You don't include a word other then dialog. Some descriptions could have helped maybe?

4053584

This story being pure dialogue was the point.

Hm. Not bad; I approve. Wait, I can't say that. Let's hear it from someone with a more respected opinion:

imgur.com/7RYhTNg.jpg

“The F-Holes look like they suddenly became literal.”

That killed me :rainbowlaugh:
I remember in my first year of playing the cello, everyone would always make fun of the F-holes

4053600 I was mostly pondering if throwing in some actions or descriptions could have helped out. I felt like things started to drag part way through and I think that it was because you needed more words to meet the minimum. Spending words on actions or descriptions could have let you cut out some of the dragging bits and still meet the minimum. Then again I might be over thinking this story. It was fun, cute and just a little naughty. :raritywink:

Huh. I expected this to be less of a random comedy, IMO. But hey. It has Vinyl and Tavi. Talking about a rubber cello :pinkiehappy:

How the heck did she get that anyway?

I can smell the clop fics!:raritywink:

Hey man, you got a link to the cover artist?
Want to sue him because i got diabetes from that picture. :pinkiehappy:

“Like, I’m not even joking. I’d nail you right here and now if we weren’t in public!”

I figuratively died laughing at this. The idea of giving someone a giant purple dildo, in public, just tickles me in all the right ways.:rainbowlaugh:

...Wait. That is not what I meant.:twilightoops:

4056001

Y'know, I had a lengthy conversation with the author about this issue.

I still think more markers would have been a mistake. It felt too unnatural. It's not so hard to realize who's talking -- it's always Vinyl/Tavi/Vinyl/Tavi/Vinyl...

4056065 I agree. In parts where neither Octy or Vinyl's names were mentioned, I needed to look back for clarity.

I liked the story, hope for more Slice of Life Octavia and Vinyl.

I haven't had such enjoyment from a fic in a long time. Not to mention an OctaScratch one. This is brilliance at its finest. My hat's off to you.

4057352
So, one of my most favorite authors on the site just followed me.

That's pretty cool, I guess.

I also need to change my pants.

4057409
I'm honoured. You done a good job. You and your pants.

I can't even...:rainbowlaugh:

All of my yes!:rainbowkiss: With a like and fave.:heart:

For all dialogue—something that'd normally drive me up the wall—I really liked this. Glad I got directed here by psp7master. I needed that laugh today. Also I coulda sworn I'd already been following you, but I remedied that either way. Got a like and fave as well.

4057467
God Damnit, Spark. Can I go anywhere you haven't been/will be?:derpytongue2: I feel like we read pretty close to the same fics.

4057639
Considering I'm the 23rd Midnight Spark, it's natural that I'm faster than you.:rainbowwild:

And here I thought the stuff I write is dialouge heavy excellent work by the way I laughed the entire time.

A great song for a great fic. Hilarious!

4060506
Finally someone noticed this! Yeah, I listened to Rhapsody up and down while I wrote this (in addition to the song reference at the near end, which no one else seemed to recognize yet...)

4060631 Ah! I didn't catch that one. Rhapsody is my favorite band, though, so there's no way I was gonna miss that reference!

4060654
Manowar - Achilles, Agony and Ecstasy in Eight Parts (28:38 min)

I'm a fan of longtracks. :twilightblush:

This is hysterical!:rainbowlaugh: I just love how the dialogue just gives you enough information and the rest just fills itself out in your mind.

Mine ribs. They hurt from the laughs.:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

I think you forgot the descriptions. All of the descriptions are in fact missing. Besides not making the text look like a play script without the name tags, they also allow for greater expressiveness.

4062938
I didn't "forget" the descriptions. This was written as a dialogue-only story.

This is ... interesting:applejackconfused:

The win is strong with this one. :rainbowlaugh:

At least you tried Vinyl, now I suggest you run to the most populated area. I'd try my best to help, but being on the other side of the internet make things pretty difficult. Also I'd probably die laughing at the sight of the first two presents.

Okay... this is one of the funniest things I've ever read.

Oh my gosh this is hilarious!:rainbowlaugh: The fact that it's all dialogue makes it that much more funny!

Oh music puns. This was truly hilarious

Finally got round to reading something of yours. I think I can pride myself in my choice, and you can most definitely pride yourself in it too. Just don't get so proud that you show it to your mum, she most definitely won't thank you for that...

Wow! I should have read this a long time ago. It's entirely comprised of dialogue, and yet I wouldn't want it any other way. I see why PSP recommended this. :pinkiehappy::heart:

Wheres the sex

4125962
You don't get the concept of Teen/Sex-rated fan fics, do you?

This was way too damn funny XD :heart:

I laughed so god damn hard at this!

The sad part is, I can actually see vinyl doing that
(Boom!) "Oof!"
Huh, she was a few hours short, it is only wendsday
EDIT
VINYL: I am okay!
LYRA: Get off me...
VINYL: Hey Lyra, how's life?
LYRA: Growing dimmer as your fat butt crushes me
VINYL: sounds like a personal problem
LYRA: Tell... Bonbon... I hate the last of the pudding... and the cake... and the funky looking cheese in the crisper...
that wasn't cheese, that was organic gelatin
VINYL: You ate boiled hooves! EEEEEEWWWWW!!!!
LYRA: meh, I've eaten pork before... tasted like boiled cabbage
VINYL: I'm gonna go get the degreaser and do stuff...
And now, for today's regularly scheduled advert. Shop at the Mann and Co. store, where all your hat-related problems and needs can be solved for reasonable prices, this message is sponsored by the awesome Australian, Saxton Hale

so...you have pretty much embodied their characteristics and had me laughing my ass off. xD.....*assumes begging position* mawr!!

Can someone please get Elie Monty and Jessi Nowacking to make an audio reading of this. Please!!!

Update:

After many months of not touching this story, I've decided to rename this story from "The Perfect Gift for a Cellist" to "My Perfect Gift for a Cellist". I was getting continuously annoyed that this was the only story in my dialogue-only cycle that didn't have a first-person title.

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