During a casual conversation with his brother, Rumble was challenged by Thunderlane to say 'yes' to any and every question thrown at him. If Rumble won, he would get the game he always wanted. Rumble agreed, but this agreement backfires when Scootaloo, who he had been friends with for sometime, asks him out on a date.
This cannot end well.
Proofreader: sparks2037
Special thanks to Timemaster for helping out with the description.
Special thanks to SomeoneLostInTheWorld, psp7master, and Weeping Angel for editing it.
Artwork
Featured 3/14/14
Edit: Any errors left will be edited later on.
Chapters (1)
this was an amazing premise
BAAHHAHAHAH 11/10!
There's only one word:
YES!
Great, I loved it!
i can imagine the ending
A perfect story! I hope there's a sequel! Ending was cute.
This was interesting, the comedic aspect was pretty good, if a little over the top.
Lel, Daisy.
It flowed nicely most of the way through, but in the second half the editing kinda failed, I saw quite a few mistakes.
Overall, I'll give you a 6.5/10: the story was cute, a little funny, a solid start but a liquid finish and seemed to end rather abruptly. I personally would have liked Rumble to keep up the charade. You could have had Rumbloo get closer over time, but him eventually getting called out by Scoots and having to admit that he never would have accepted otherwise.
The conflict felt really forced, but it was humorous anyway. Nice fic, an upvote for the idea but no fav for the execution.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
I'd play that game
Well that escalated very quickly.
4084351 4084159
Eh I tried, but I guess not hard enough.
4084355 It's a start. You'll get better after writing more stories.
What a cool story! It had me chuckling from beginning to end. I especially liked the hat tip to Button Mash, coming upon Thunderlane and his girlfriend, and of course the budding relationship with Scootaloo!
Major thumbs up!
4084367
Thank you
And this story is in the featured section. Congrats!
4084372
Thank you
fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/056/8/9/clapping_pony_icon___scootaloo_by_taritoons-d5w610a.gif
--InversionZone
Cute
For me, a story flops when I can no longer maintain suspension of disbelief.
So, with this story, I lasted about to the point where Rumble committed robbery. I appreciate a good random fic, but this wasn't a random fic. It was like you were trying to keep Rumble in character, but you gave up on it for the sake of a very odd gag. Even though the ponified titles of IRL games irks me, I can overlook it and move on with the story. By the time I hit the robbing scene, however, I could no longer maintain any belief in your depiction of the character.
From the view of the comments, it seems like the delivery only got weaker after that point. A word of advice to a fellow author, characterization is the most important thing in a story. If the characters do not act in a believable fashion, then your readers are rightly going to feel disconnected with them.
Keep on writing, keep on improving.
-Lumino
Good story. Laughed at where he questions his friends.
Overall this was a good story, hope to see more.
Also random mustache
Cute as fuck my friend. Cute as fuck
They make a very cute couple.
Scootaloo becomes a Chinese exchange student struggling with English.
Looks like your proofread fall asleep towards the end.
Honestly, this is probably one of my favorite stories on Fimfic so far! The three s's; Short, sweet, and simple; just how i like it! Really good! Except that one part was kind of..... weird.... But overall it was written well (even though there were a few typos here and there) and i really enjoyed It!
!
4084530
4084678
Thank you for pointing the errors and giving out advice. Hopefully my editor will fix them soon. I will try my best to improve my writing in future works.
4084865
Better yet, try to correct your errors by yourself. It'll help you improve quite a bit.
4084923
That's a good idea. Hopefully I can spot them.
I feel like this was made for shits and giggles, cause it was so goddamn funny like he was in gta for real and then he kissed scoots that threw me in a loop but good story any way man keep it up
4085100
That's what I was going for!
4085103 Congrats on the feature!
I turned off mature stories, and it's in the non mature feature box... that counts! lol
4085103 knew it cool story bro hope to see more like this on Fimfic never really see ones that remind me of a movie I have seen, it reminds me of the yes man movie it was funny as hell
4085142
Thanks
He shoulda said yes
Damn it I want this to continue, make it happen, Pwease?
!
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I SAID YES!
~Leonzilla
YES! YES! YES! YES...>9000!!!!
(Alright, I think I'm done spamming your story now)~Leonzilla
*your
*us our
*... wut? "after we did the dare," or "after we've done the dare," I guess? I dunno.
*extraneous space before the period
*grasp; also, starting the sentence with "Is" feels weird. Why not "It was"?
*she was.
*He; of his neck
*there are two spaces after the "a". Also, there's only one Rumble, and he only has one muzzle.
*they both need a space
There are places where there are two spaces in-between words, like "He tackled his brother", "the last my brother had over", "for now they’ll enjoy their time together", "They didn’t know how they truly feel" and "After a couple of seconds, Rumble broke the kiss". It seems to happen sometimes after commas.
Fun one-shot. I wouldn't have included that last paragraph, though. Kinda breaks the flow, and isn't really necessary.
Now an actually constructive comment.
Sure, until they reach puberty.
YES!
~The power of yes compels you~!
Puberty.
hmmmm... Author are you aware that asking for a first kiss is usually considered an extremely offensive gesture?
My verdict, it was a funny story,
/
~Leonzilla
Aaaaw dat ending was just so cute
I'll give it an upvote. I was going to list the reasons why I didn't give it a favorite, but after looking through the comments, it looks like I don't have to. Overall, not bad, but not great either. It was decent.
Seriously though, watch those edits.
That was pretty good. The only thing for me that kinda stood out as beyond strange was the market scene. I mean really 4 hours? Holy...
Other than that, it was a likable and I enjoyed reading this.
4085532
....Yes
This NEEDS a sequeal
4085849
Don't worry my friend. It will get one
4085851
Yay
You deserve this
i.neoseeker.com/mgv/529809/809/115/th_scootaloo20percentcuter_display.jpg
4085856
Aww thank you!
4085859
No problem here you get another one
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And this part, "She won’t drown just because she’s white like the old one did?” made me laugh so hard. Let me give a description.
Before: This story seems interesting already.
After: OMG LOLOLOLOLOL ROFLROFL I CAN'T BREEEEEEEEATH!
4086139
It'll get a sequel my friend