• Member Since 12th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen Aug 23rd, 2015

Geomancing


E

Maple Leaf, an adolescent pegasus, struggles with his over-large wings and despairs about ever coming into his potential. A visit by Captain Spitfire to the Junior Speedsters Flight Camp gives him the opportunity to get some advice from such a prestigious figure.

Part One: Into Place
Part Two: Wind and Stone

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 7 )

that term in the description is bugging me
"Over-large"

368220
Agreed. Bulky would be a better word.

I don't always like stories starring OCs, but when I do, they star believable characters that aren't Sues or Stus.
The description is perfect; it fleshes out the setting without dipping into purple prose. There are a couple of places where Maple Leaf's thoughts need to be italicized, and a couple of other places where there should be a comma instead of a period (“Looks like congratulations are in order.” for instance), but other than that there were no errors that I could see, so kudos.

368454

Ah yes, I've had a little trouble with making sure the italicized bits in my original document copied over; hopefully I've got them all now. Thanks for pointing it out. :)

This is actually a pretty nice little story. Still a bit rough around the edges, but with a little more effort, you could have something quite solid.

The main problem that I see is that this isn't paced well; the beginning is too fast and the end is too slow. Maple Leaf solves his problem too quickly, and a little more early character development would go a long way.

I don't know how much you still intend to do with this story, but I would really like to see this one develop; I'm a sucker for little pegasi.

Alright, that was awesome.

This was a nice little story. I am looking forward to reading more by you in the future. Keep up the great writing!

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