• Member Since 6th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen Feb 18th, 2017

Twilight_Sparkler


T

There are quite a lot of reasons to dislike the wasteland.

Especially the dying part.

Yeah, that really can suck.

Truth is, there's nothing good in a world filled with malice, hatred and the only goal is to survive. When Stable 100 is lied to, a pair of ponies are going to learn that the Wasteland hates happiness, and it's determined to suck it out of these two. With the help of friends, they just might be able to do something about it. Or find some popcorn and watch it all happen. Anything's possible.

But it's time to teach the Wasteland it doesn't always get what it wants.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Cookie if anyone notices the 'special thing' about the writing of this story.

Also, this story is under a lot of construction, if you're even halfway decent at grammar/spelling/sentences structure, please come help!

Co-author: http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Sapphire_Talisman
Guest writer: http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Tatroux

Chapters (10)
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Comments ( 26 )

The description tells of a certain "bravado" :raritywink:

I think I'm gonna like this story.

4071764 Actually working on that. Longer chapters should be coming out.

Okay Judgement Time Just kidding.

First, there're no grammar-/spelling errors making my mind explode, that's good, although I'm still no native speaker, so don't give too much weight to that.
The start of your story isn't rushed, but I can't imagine your OC yet. (except that the OC hates everything)
And your OC doesn't start rampaging through the wasteland/stable within the first chapter(s), I don't like it when something like this is rushed.

Keep up your work and don't be discouraged by any harsh comments or the like/dislike-ratio.(even if hatred like this makes me stronger!:trixieshiftleft:)

4074343 Actually I think I can let you in a little secret.

This story is not written by me.

By the end of the story, it will have up to 3 people working on it. The 3rd guy won't be seen until chapter 6/7. We actually had 3 chapters already written, ready and rarin' to go.

But...

One of my friends, the one Sapphire is based off of, actually said pretty well said the same thing you did about rushing the story. Most chapters take about 2-3 days to be written and edited. For now. It seems to be a bit of a re-occuring instance in Fo:E fics is that as the story gets longer, so do the chapters. Around (maybe) ch. 10 they will be averaging around 4,000.

Well when my friend, Sapph, pulled the same thing you did. And I had been planning to upload the 'first' chapter that night. Now I'm having to write a new intro, rework the now Ch.3. Oh and unlike most stories, I actually had a plan for the intro for this one. Not wanting to shift my schedule, I quickly wrote up Ch. 1 and published my story.

Let me go through that again.

The only time my story will show up on the front page if it's featured, popular or brand new. Fo:E FiHP is no longer a new story, is not popular nor featured. Going nowhere fast on either of those.

So, to recap, I was writing the most important chapter to a story, on its most important release, in a mood of 'I just want to get this chore done', and I was writing on the fly without editing it.

All on fuschaking Nook HD.

My biggest fear now is that my story won't go anywhere at all, and that I'll pour so much dedication and love in a story nobody will read.

All because I was a lazy ass. I really hope I can pick this story back up again.

4074554
There's no shame in rewriting the story or cancelling and make a new, improved one, as long as you let the readers know. (e.g. don't change facts given by an earlier chapter the ninja-way.)

Have you added your story to the FoE group's story folders yet?
It'll grant you some views.

Don't worry about the views, even my story got some after a small latency.

4076201 Well, I've 'remastered' Chapter 1. Maybe it'll be better. The first part of Chapter 1 is a bit trippy, might not fly over well with the readers. I don't feel like doing a full cancel, I've received quite a few favorites, maybe I can piggyback of their views when I re-upload ch. 1.

And no, I don't feel comfortable adding a story to that group until I'm done with introduction and have a plotline set up.

4131610
I never said you should channel anything, I was just mentioning the possibility, independent of your story.
There's one thing I don't like (but that's just a minor thing):
Your chapters are headed with the acting/speaking character, that's good and will resolve confusion if it comes to that. But personally I think you should give each chapter its own title, you could write KT or ST behind the title in brackets to inidcate how's telling the story now. As I said, it's just a minor thing.

But....but....but...Adding your story might establish some kind of "fan base" from the very beginning. It's hard for some people to check in into an already half done story (yeah, there's still so much I have to read). If you manage to set up an interesting premiss they might follow the story further.
Besides that, haven't you heared of the ongoing battle between the story groups? Stories are like fuel, souls or can(n)on balls . Who has got the most wins the internet.

Thanks for adding your story to the Fallout Equestria Group! I hope it helps your story get more views!

I finally found time to read your remastered chapters :rainbowdetermined2:

One question to start with: your "Kiwi Tart" chapters are internally title with "Kiwi Shake". I'm no expert in fruit- and food science, maybe it's just a mistake. Just wanted to red-flag that.

I also came to think that I don't want to be an overmare ever. Is a pretty dangerous job. Seriously, I know just a handful of stories in which an overmare or -stallion survives the first chapter.

There are a few mistakes like missing gaps, not capitalized "I"s and missing letters, but they're so few it doesn't distract (for more than five seconds.)

Your "new" chapters are indeed remastered, I like them much better than the others (although they weren't bad either)

I think I can give you a like with clear conscience. Have fun with it, but don't try to eat it.

4158161

Yeah, I saw the Shake thing. Fixed.

Chapters 2 and 3 have also been remastered now.

Your latest chapter has a few issues with capitalisation. Some of the "I"s and words at the beginning of a sentence aren't capitalized and some others are randomly capitalized. And I'm not really sure if Read-eye's name is written that way.

I don't want to say the pacing is too fast, because that would be wrong, but some (quite insignificant) details should be fleshed out more/ should be mentioned at all to make the world feel more alive. For instance: when Kiwi asks the recioptnist to "hold this for [him] while [he's] gone?" you should say, what Kiwi leaves behind. Or mentioning what task Red Eye assigned them to at the start. Otherwise it seems strange and incomplete.

The soul-bound weapon is strange and has rules not unlike the greek gods. But strange doesn't mean bad.

Red Eye himself seems a bit out of character in this chapter. The way he talks to Kiwi and Sapphire at the start, how he invites them to join his special forces (for no apparent reason) and that he talks about making this blue pegasus a slave. Red Eye never seemed like a pony of jokes and he never used the word slave, as far as I remember.

I would be happy if you could clarify why Red Eye let them join his elites, other ponies have to go through six fights on the pitt to get there.

All in all it isn't a bad chapter, it's just that the others were a bit better.

P.S.: does your perk indicate Kiwi loses 5 strengh? That's not a great perk.

4213232 Saying that theres a few errors is a stretch, at best.

As for my 'capitilist' errors, you'll have to point out most of them. I caught one at the part with the pegasus, where i had done that with 'Male' and 'Pegasus'.

As for characterization of Red-eye? It's part just me being a bad writer and part their being a reason. It won't really be directly said why he's being kind, just something you'll have to figure out.

As for the soul bound weapon, it was an original idea at the time. It wasn't until a friend pointed out it was strikingly simalliar to Percy's Riptide. I assure you, it will have it's drawbacks.

As for the elite forces part, I tweaked it just a bit. Same with the 'slave' part.

This one was a bit longer than the others, so proof reading was a bit shabby and a lot of stuff slipped through the cracks.

>Implying all perks are good ones

In the first paragraph, where Stargazer introduces himself, is a mixed up name (Kiwi Shake). Unless Kiwi married somepony in between the last chapter and this, I think you should change this. :twilightsmile:

There are only two issues i have with this chapter:
- there are a few errors with capitalisation and missing spaces
- the acting of the group towards Stargazer changes a bit to fast. Well, no it doesn't change at all. They seem to be friends from the very beginning and that's something strange. At least Red Eye's loyal minions should act a little bit more... unfriendly. Sure, we got the "killing him would be much easier" scene, but it's solved by Kiwi saying "no" and that's it. Maybe you should extend talks like that in the future.

Also: Red Eye apparently cooperating with the Enclave. They're kind of (arch-)enemies. Why would he give them one of his prisoners? He seems a bit stressed. I mean he orders them to bring him one specific pegasus and when they bring him the one he doesn't recognize it. Well, to be fair, he's fighting a war right now. With the Enclave.

I liked the other chapters slightly more, but it's still good.

4395895

Ah, the return of the shake. I did it again.

The captilization thing isn't caught by spellcheck, so sorry about that.

And that's what was intended. Half (2/4) of the team are fresh out of the stable, and have yet to realize the 'kill or be killed' rule. The worst kind of evil they know is bullying, not death.

As for Red-Eye's attitude towards the Enclave, that's also to be explained. Let's just say Shadow, Stargazer and Rec Eye are all linked together.

Now, I can't say for sure, but I might just be leaving you guys on a cliffhanger here. This story might have one more chapter uploaded, then about a 5-month haitus. I'll be grounded all Summer, which means I won't be able to receive emails, and henceforth new chapters from my co author Sapphire Talisman. Sorry guys!

Spacing/formatting is good, the only thing left are some spelling/capitalization errors. You've got a lot of "i"s in your text, they don't look good.

The chapter could be longer, but I really can't blame people for not making 8-20k word chapters.:twilightsheepish:

a snack bar defended by robots is so... fallout-like. I liked it. Although you could've detailed that scene at the shooting range a little more. You said Sapphire wanted to be alone with his thoughts, but you don't portray real thinking in the scene. Well except the thing with the bullies, but that's come to his mind rather spontaneously, so this shouldn't be a reason he wanted to go to the firing range.

Anyway, it's good to see that you're rolling again.:twilightsmile:

5265125

Eh? That was short. Must've done well this time.

I honestly don't think I'll ever fix those captilization errors. *sigh*

Longer? Yeah, I sorta chewed Saph for the shortness of the chapter.

I'll tell you said that, he was looking for reasons to make this chapter longer.

Just a small question, how long do you think this storys' gonna be?

Yeah I could have made it longer. Will do actually. I'll start tomorrow.

5265125

And there you go! We've added a section per your request. I would also like to thank you, I mean it. You're here every chapter and a serious motivation that keeps us doing this. Thanks.

Yay, new chapter.:yay:

The attitude with which they all talk to RedEye seems ... Strange...

Tetragrammaton said

First, there're no grammar-/spelling errors making my mind explode

...but I can't help but notice that the very first line of the fic description has a pretty glaring one :unsuresweetie:

So, um, yeah... Twilight_Sparkler, the fic descriptions are the main attraction to a story, so, best correct this:

long description:
> There is quite a lot of reasons
Should be "there [are] quite a lot of reasons". Plural.
> filled with malice, hatred and your only goal is to survive
So, filled with:
-malice
-hatred
-your only goal is to survive
So, yes, grammatically speaking, you're kinda saying "filled with your only goal is to survive" there. That doesn't work that way; it shouldn't be part of the summation. Should be something like "filled with malice [and] hatred[, and where] your only goal is to survive"
> and It's determined to suck it out of these two
There's somehow a capital letter on "it's" in the middle of the sentence there.
> Anythings validated
First of all, that should be "anything['s]", since it's short for "anything is", secondly... I don't think "validated" is the word you're looking for, there.

Short description:
> what a pony do?
That's a really odd... sentence... thing? :applejackconfused:


Sadly, I don't really have time to add more stories to my reading queue at the moment, so no, I won't be able to help you out more... but if I ever do have time, I might take a look further into this one :raritywink:

6836749

Thank god someone got around to helping me with my terrible grammar.

...but I can't help but notice that the very first line of the fic description has a pretty glaring one

I like to think of myself of someone who can take criticism, but I couldn't feel a bit defensive when I read this.

long description:
> There is quite a lot of reasons
Should be "there [are] quite a lot of reasons". Plural.
> filled with malice, hatred and your only goal is to survive
So, filled with:
-malice
-hatred
-your only goal is to survive
So, yes, grammatically speaking, you're kinda saying "filled with your only goal is to survive" there. That doesn't work that way; it shouldn't be part of the summation. Should be something like "filled with malice [and] hatred[, and where] your only goal is to survive"
> and It's determined to suck it out of these two
There's somehow a capital letter on "it's" in the middle of the sentence there.
> Anythings validated
First of all, that should be "anything['s]", since it's short for "anything is", secondly... I don't think "validated" is the word you're looking for, there.
Short description:
> what a pony do?
That's a really odd... sentence... thing? :applejackconfused:

That didn't take nearly as long as I thought it would to fix.

If you ever do read this story, my first bit of help is to tread carefully. You seem like a person who understands the English language well. I won't make excuses for two-years-ago me, but even though the first 3 to 4 chapters have been looked at repeatedly I'm still not confident enough to say I'm proud of them. I would be very delighted if you read through the rest of the story, as Tetra was very motivating before he stopped commenting.

I'm surprised the story still gets views with the latest chapter being published on the 19th of October, last year.

Using the original ones cover... Bad style!

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