This takes place shortly after the conclusion of Season 3 and is set in a slightly darker version of their world, as Twilight struggles to understand what's happened to the world that she once knew. Where is everypony? And what exactly was the spell that she cast? Will she ever understand these strange interlopers in her world? Things quickly seem to be going from bad to worse...
Our story mostly follows Twilight, although the others will pop up from time to time. It starts off a little dark and gloomy, but I promise it gets better :)
(There's some moderate violence, and a little bad language, but nothing that should keep you awake at night.) Image used with permission from Dreampaw - thanks :)
Chapters (18)
Not sure what the downvotes are for. This is worth reading!
4048579
Thanks :D I think maybe my mistake has been making it too gloomy from the very start for people to get into (it does cheer up, i promise!)
"Timelapse".......
Oh, my. I wonder how many centuries have passed for the ponies outside of Ponyville........
The initial idea...awesome.
Time displaced ponyville...mind blowing.
Adding random crash landing humans to the mix...not so much.
Honestly if you took out the humans, or at the very least limited it to one lone group of humans then the story would probably flow better.
As it is all this human bureaucracy is really taking away from the flow of the story...heck it was only in the last chapter that I even remembered what the story was supposed to be about because I was so bogged down in all this bureaucratic human drama.
It just does not feel like it adds anything to the story at this point.
It is a really interesting idea, but it just feels like you tried to put too much into the story far too quickly.
For example you could start out with a lone ship that got separated crash landing and freaking out.
This can be its own story arc of this initial contact, and them figuring out together what might be wrong with ponyville.
Then much later on in the story have them be able to get in contact with their higher ups.
Then you get an arc where loyalties are tested as each group has to figure out who their real friends are.
You still get all the drama, but now it can drive the story instead of hampering it.
I think this story has great potential, but there are just too many plot lines stuffed in to this first part of this story.
4072042
Thanks for the honest critique - much appreciated :)
I can certainly see the point you make, i think having had this stuck in my head for so long has made it difficult to take a step back from it and see it from the perspective of another. You're quite right that it could probably stand on its own without the humans (and some modifications of course). I think, when i started this, i really just wanted to write HiE, the concept appeals to me for some reason, and i suppose i'm guilty of losing sight of everything else.
In any case, the majority of it is written now so i'm not going to make any drastic changes, which means Riley is here to stay i'm afraid. This cursed thing has been consuming my evenings for long enough that i just want to get it out the way and move on now ;) Shall chalk it up as a learning experience and try to remember to take a step back in whatever my next literary adventure is
Stik
Well, that answers TWO questions.....how long it's been for everyone outside of Ponyville and WHERE Spike got himself to.
A bit jealous of the more athletic types, aren't we, Twi?
WHY HAVE YOU STOPPED?! KEEP GOING!!
4102931 Site was down last night ;) Will try and pick it up again this evening
I think the human bureaucracy did fairly well in the beginning. It was showing the two SPECCIES running into each other, not just a few lone heroes. It also gave Riley his own backstory and made him feel much more natural. After a while, it did start to get too much, but you then moved on. Good move.
I'm actually surprised you've managed to keep the story focused. So often writers get bogged down trying to write too many characters or stay in one place too long. You've effectively dodged this by keeping to a set few ponies and Riley keeping the story fast-paced but also not feeling forced. Good call killing Riley's party. Kinda sad, but they weren't really contributing anymore, and were distracting from the budding Riley/Twilight relationship.
I loved Derpy's part. :) So many stories play her as a cameo, or dead serious. You've managed to keep every ponies' favorite mare her happy bubbly self without losing the serious core within. Poor Spike... 300 years alone...
Discord was written to near perfection. He's still arrogant, classy, and absolutely not to be trusted. You successfully fooled me that he would keep his word, up until he revealing the Elements to Riley. (Hugging Derpy, SQUEE) He's making total sense, while scheming in ways that aren't clear until its too late.
Thought it was over when Riley leaped out of his ship to save Twi. Most stories totally lose their direction and interest there. You've managed to keep that by getting them into the fleet to steal back the Elements, while also introducing the mysterious alien enemies, who remind me a lot of the Apariods from Star Fox Assault, if a lot less dangerous. They've fought the humans for years, they should've evolved better tactics than swarming. Humans can beat that without breaking a sweat.
Again, thought it was over, then you give us another band of humans, preventing from turning this into a two-against-the-world story, which feels so unrealistic. (This somehow does. Equestria...) The fights seemed a little too easy, but hey! You've setup the peg text cliffhanger here. The base was destroyed, and all it's occupants are lost. I'm honestly just as worried for Twilight as Riley right now. All my prediction powers can't guess where she and the Marines took refuge.
The Admiral feels more and more like a dick. Kidnapping ponies, leaving his men to die, ignoring an extremely vulnerable and extremely valuable beacon... I think he's fallen victim to the Starfleet Admiral trope and lost sight of what matters.
I'd really like to see a number of humans survive and start thier own little colony on Equestria. :) We've already seen how humans and ponies interact when humans have the upper hand, what about the other way around? (Read http://www.fimfiction.net/story/19300/the-man-with-two-names) Just a suggestion, ignore it if you have something better planned.
Humans have proved that while ferocious and kind-hearted, we can kind of be dicks. Especially in large numbers. I wonder if Earth as a whole will ever return to Equestria...
Got a proper review down, now that my head is clear. Still D'WAAing a bit from when Riley saved Twilight from the river. :) This is a well-written, captivating story. I wish I could write half as well as you could.
4103780
Thanks for the review!
I'm glad you find the pacing okay, i'm always a little concerned about letting a scene or situation stagnate, but it's difficult to tell how well one manages to avoid it sometimes.
As i've been going through this to post it i've come to realise that i think i make a little too much use of the "redshirts" - those random background characters whose only purpose seems to be to get killed off in gruesome ways :)
Derpy is best pony.
I wish i could have written more of her, but i feel it would have seemed like trying to force too many main characters in. From the very outset i was determined that this was meant to feature Twilight and a human.
In all honesty i didn't enjoy writing Discord at all, and i found it very challenging, so i'm glad he came across convincingly. When i got to his scenes i seriously began to regret choosing him as the antagonist!
Regarding the aliens, they actually came from a piece of original fiction i wrote a long, long time ago and never finished. Figured i wouldn't let them go to waste :) I think this indicates that i haven't given them enough backstory, but they were meant to be a lot sneakier than just swarming. In this particular story they've been cut off from the rest of their command structure, and they're also quite damaged, hence they're not posing too much of a problem. The only real threat at the present comes from the human fleet being in an even worse state and in no condition to mount an effective attack.
Williams was also somewhat tricky to portray, he hasn't turned out at all as i imagined him when i started this, he was meant to be a lot deeper, less of a dick and more an unwitting figurehead who ended up getting forced into making horrible choices. Can't win them all, though :)
Aha, you're getting ahead of me here, i have already started planning the sequel, and without giving too much away there are certainly other humans on Equestria, right this very moment ;) It's going to be a long time coming, though, i need a break after this!
I've had a quick read of your finished piece, Luna's Fall, and you write very well. My read-list is enormous at the moment, but i've stuck Secrets on the end of it too. (Your works are certainly better received than mine at any rate if the ratio of Up to Down votes means anything ;) )
Don't give up!
Stik
Well, damn if that's a way to end a story, I'm okay with it. A final good hour of badassness for Riley, Twilight and him functioning as if they were two parts of one soul, going through the shattered remains of hell to reach the last dying portal. When all seems lost, another red-shirt pops up to give them their last needed burst of strength. While I doubt the escape loss will be survivable on their own, given that their torn to help and crushed, maybe they can survive with a little assistantance from below. I wonder if Celestia and Discord will have any say on what happens... Their actions could well determine weather Twilight, Andrews, and even Riley live or die. Twilight must live, but what about her humans?
Glad you liked one of my stories. Love to wax on and on about myself and my writing, but that isn't something for the comments of your story. Which I'm hoping will be featured in Equestria Daily at some point. We can take that to Private Messages if you're really interested. This story feels as if its almost complete, now it's time to get more views on it. :) I'm not that only half-competent reviewed out there.
Well, if he needs a tracker, I can think of one pony
suitable for the job.
Hmm. I like how you've grown the THALA, though I was at first confused as to what was going on. So, the ships are as Conscience as the drones? I'm thinking Pacific Rim style monsters here. They function somewhat like an ant hive, but with much greater flexibility and redundancies. Normally, taking out a Queen dooms the entire colony. However, it seems the THALA have adapted to prevent this.
Each drone must have limited capabilities of its own, like a dumb soldier with a vague idea of what to do. Each particular THALA can function on a basic level, but truly flourish in large groups and with a leader. How do they reproduce? It seems a suitable hive must be assembled before a new "Queen" can be hatched, perhaps on some variant of the process of turning a drone bee into a queen bee. It WOULD be in their best interests to grow one as soon as possible, but there is also the issue of quality over quantity. The fewer the resources and troops, the dumber the "Queen".
Sorry I'm going on so much about the THALA. They are just the most interesting part of this chapter. We do see Riley over thinking his relationship with Twilight, which is nice, but expected. Having Twilight leave was a good move. It allows the characters to develop separately once more, and show us more of this time-ravaged Equestria. Surprised Discord stayed in one place long enough to be hit with the Elements. He's been turned thrice now, and it is literally his only weakness. (Barring Fluttershy working her own magic of friendship) Discord SHOULD have fled and became the shadow in the darkness, but I suppose the ponies have suffered enough under him. It's time to introduce new challenges and obstacles.
One of which is the reunification of Equestria. Twilight (maybe Princess Twilight?) has a HUGE task in front of her. (Sorry I keep using CAPS, no other accents on my iPhone :twilight smile: ) The surviving ponies seem to have degenerated into a religious tribal system, like ancient human society. I personally think they would've fallen back into more 'Equine' habits, such as roving the land for the best feeding areas, but they do retain some cilivility, and they are closer to humans than horses. Strange as that it.
Also on Twilight's list is Riley and Spike. Those two boys mean the world to her, possibly even more than Celestia or the Mane 6. (I wonder what happened to Shining Armor and Princess Cadence? Is Cadence guiding the Empire alone, immortal as the Princesses of old? How would she deal with the eventual death of Shinjng Armor?) Spike hasn't seen her in thousands of years, and has changed a lot since the old days. However, Twilight will always be his big sister/mother, even if he could accidentally step on her. :P Those two will have a great time finding each other again.
I'm not even going to try to predict how she's dealing with the perceived loss of Riley. My one great weakness was always intercharacter relationships. I can handle one, and that's about it. All I can do here is hope for more of what you've been delivering.
Riley has his own tasks. There are some human survivors in Ponyville, and they need a leader. Celestia can help with the ponies, but I sense she won't play a very large role in this story. She's a relic of the past, and they must move on. A very wise relic, but still a relic. Was Luna released from the prison as well? Why wasn't she in the same chamber as the others? Is she with Celestia now, helping move the sun and moon again?
There are lots of questions to be answered, but it is also very full of possibilities. I can't wait for more!
... And they just said, "Hey, nobody care about Spike!" And gave up on him?
Ok... Now I have no problem with Spike being gone...