Gerald McCormack, a 22 year old college student that is living by himself with his trusty butler, Gordon. When he stumbles upon a strange majestic-like woman in his own obstacle course--with a pair of Double D's I might add--he takes the woman in, and realizes she strongly resembles Princess Celestia! Will she be able to handle the human world that is so different from Equestria's? Or will she go into a paranoia freak out and Gerald would be forced to kick her out since she seems to be a crazed drug-addict hippy!?
LET'S FIND OUT!
Rated T for Violence & Language
Info about collab located here: http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=405
Chapters (9)
i clicked cuz of the thumbnail
More PonyFall goodness
*cue playboy music*
And here's the fifth one to come out
muffins
This has potential
Also, dat celestia
DAT THUMBNAIL
At first when I saw the picture I was like OH NO IT'S ONE OF THESE FICS SOMEONE HELP but everything turned out better than expected.
I do have three minor nitpicks though.
1) This sentence has way too many commas: So, in some bizarre twist, using their money and connections, they hired me a butler, to, mainly take care of me, making sure I was eating right, and clean up the house if it were to be a pigsty, and some other minor tidbits here and there…
2) Numbers lower than 100 are usually written out as words (such as one, twenty-two, and so on).
3) There isn't a whole lot of reaction when he runs across Celestia. He's just like Oh hey, I tripped over a naked woman. A bit more emotion might help to color it.
Everything went better than expected. I am intrigued. Oh, and DAT CELESTIA.
367604
Ah, finally a critic who hasn't been hit by the cover image!
1. I can understand the too many commas part, it's a bit of a grammar habit I'm trying to get rid of.
2. True, numbers are mostly written in words. Bit of a slip up of mine, unfortunately, which I'll have to edit out once I get some sleep.
3. There is SOME reaction, but enough to not cause a major dramatic freak-out. Some people do exist that are calm and calculated, but do give minor reactions. Differs on personality from person to person.
and now that i have acutely read it i have something to say
Moar plz
Saw this in the whatever that box at the top is called and decided to give it a try, I must say I am looking forward to more of this seems like it should be quite fun.
Couple of inconstancies stood out to me
I pressed my fingers up to her clothed neck,
Wasnt she still naked at this point?
costumed figure in my arms.
same again
Twice referring to her in such a manner as she is wearing something then very soon after repeating her lack of clothes, just seems a bit off,
anyway time for the customary
MOAR!
368761
Ah crap, that was back from my first draft when I wanted to put her in clothes. I better go fix that...
Fixed.
At first I was liek "NOOO HUMANS WE NEED PONIES"
And then I was liek "YAAAAY HUMANS MOAR PLZ!"
This fic is witchcraft!!!
WITCHCRAFT I SAY!!!
I Praise the ruinous powers for this bounty!
(Please do not take offense to my rather critical criticism)
My greatest grief is your lack of commas in reference to dialogue. When you have, say, '"Radda Radda Radda." I said' - I go berserk. If your dialogue ends with a modifier like "I/he/she/it said/replied/barked/shouted/deadpanned," then you should end it with a comma. Like so, "Look at my pony; my pony's amazing," Discord Sang. NEVER "Look at my pony; my pony's amazing." Discord deadpanned. Do not use periods in these cases, please. It's grammatically incorrect and it just looks unprofessional.
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Also, OCs are incredibly laid back about the whole "Naked Hottie" thing. I for one would be far more concerned. An unconscious, naked girl would set off rape alarms, not murder alarms; you characters are thinking it might be murder, but then again I over-think things like hell. Still, they are fairly nonchalant about it, and that irks me. Ask yourself this, "If I found a hot and naked lady with double Ds in my backyard, how would I react?" This might be how you would react, but personally I'd be freaking out. Your main OC seems almost aloof about everything.
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Celestia's mane ( or in this case, hair) is not described as a "rainbow," it is described as "pastel." ROYGBIV is Dash's thing, not Celestia's. I often use the Wiki to describe how the canon ponies look in regard to coat, mane, and eyes.
368822
Grammar's a bitch, my friend... Grammar's a bitch.
Also, the OCs are not THAT laid back, they do show some kind of surprised reaction. Just not the kind the readers expect, which I was aiming for. Don't you often get tired to see an OC acting like a dramatized crazy guy as if a gun was held to his head? Yes, naked women can give anyone a very surprising reaction, but not everyone. Personalities differ.
The way of naming Celestia's mane... That did make it a bit difficult. I thought her mane was like a really soft rainbow-like color. Didn't know it was called pastel. Sorry about that.
I appreciate the criticism though, friend. You're probably the first that has ever heavily criticized anything I've made, besides grammar, lol.
368832
I know, I've spent many a long night with the Owl at Purdue just to make sure I'm using commas properly. I think that writing here has significantly improved my abilities as a writer, and as such I love to pass along my knowledge as to improve other people's stories so that they get more sleep than I did.
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I suppose I can buy that argument, however dubious. The whole 'freaking out' is accepted because it's realistic, is it not? The issue here is that he's almost too easy going. Sure, he's surprised, who wouldn't be? First reaction (besides resisting poking her lovelies) is to bring her into his house. Admittedly, that's an acceptable break from reality for the sake of story, but it's presented a little peculiar at how fast he reaches that conclusion. Ditto for the butler; butlers are people too. I'll accept it for now, but keep in mind to flesh out their reactions lest they come off as needlessly aloof.
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Well, according to the dictionary, pastel is described as "a color having a soft, subdued shade." Si her mane is usually generalized as "pastel" because it's easier than describing each one of her colors, of which there are four.
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So long as I've help you on this day, then my day is a success. Cheers!
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
Tracking.
368875
Pleasure to see you, fellow commenter! :D
Luv it... MOLESTIA LIKE.
368879 And if i am not much mistaken, you are also the author of My Little Naruto. Great fic by the way. Let me know if mine are any good.
Nice to know some authors get out into the masses instead of hiding in their ivory towers of creativity.
You keep mentioning she smells like fudge I am a massive nerd but I can't help but keep thinking 'if he said she smelled like honey she would be a Time Lord/Lady'. This is why I shouldn't read wiki pages so much weird information. Liking this rebuild though you seem to be a lot more enthusiastic about it then the mare-do-well one.
Very interesting. I'll be sure to give this one a chance.
Tracked/liked.
Edit: Not because of the picture.
HOLY MOTHER OF CHEESE AND CRACKERS!
...And Butter.
The fic is in the #1 spot on the Featured List! God dammit, if I could go through my computer screen and meet every one of ya, I'd kiss you all! I'd be disgusted for doing so, but I'd still god damn do it!
Everyone, thank you all for the great support you've given this fic, it makes me so damn happy!
369023 "If you write it, they will come!"
It's a fun fic I guess, though I can't help but feel some early warning gary-stu vibes coming from the main character... Still, I had fun reading it.
That being said, you may really want to consider getting somebody to go through this with a red pen. There are a LOT of spelling and grammatical errors and some really awkward word choices here and there. It sorta makes it feel like the story is written by a talented writer, but one who does not speak English very well...
369069
Spelling errors I really doubt... Grammar errors I know about.
Yes... I know. I get this a lot. I get it a lot... x_x
dat thumbnail o_0
369075
It's not so bad it breaks the story or anything. I'm just saying you might want to get somebody else involved with your writing. It never hurts to have someone with a critical eye proofread what you write.
BTW, can you link me to wherever this Ponyfall thing is? I've never heard of it before now, but if it's still open to join, a legitimate reason to write a silly, non-serious, self-indulgent, self-insert fanfiction might be just the thing to get me out of my writing funk...
I Clicked cuz of thumbnail....i like the story :D
Well my collab has plenty of spots available. Just get in on the Irc Chat, /join ponyfall, and we will find you a character to use.
This. Interested. Tracking.
I clicked for thumbnail
I stay for story
Me Gusta is all I can say
Good start. Although, FYI, 95% of the people that read this got here because they saw the picture.......
Alright, back to the story. You have a open story, a good level writing plain, (a little shaky with grammer though..) and the story itself is fulfilling what about every MLP fan wants to happen.
For Chapter 1, 4/5 stars.
Tracked and waiting next chapter!
Hm.
It's a self-insert story, with a very... very attention-grabbing image. Image aside, here's my thoughts on the story.
>It's a labour of love, I can practically feel the Fun you had writing this. It is like a foreboding sense of dread - usually, when I detect this much Fun, it means I'm in for a horrible ride.
>I'm curious as to how you land in front of, then proceed to trip over a naked woman, without seeing her first. Usually, when you drop down from something, you look down. And see things on the ground, like rocks, gravel, and naked women.
>"Why I was looking at her breasts, is just a sign that I was a male. Who wouldn’t honestly?" <- Yeah, this was not a good sentence. It makes you sound like you're trying way too hard.
>Got some tense confusion in there. (You used "can" as in, "So I can carry her." Should be "So I could carry her.")
>Sentence punctuation needs a bit of work. This is partly pure opinion of mine, given my preferences for dialogue and speech - consider throwing in a semicolon instead of a comma sometimes, that sort of thing.
>A bit much expositionary detail... about things which are incredibly likely to be totally irrelevant.
>Some odd sentences - they feel like you're trying to hit a word limit or something, and so it's a bit forced.
>"So it was probably no suprise." <- You're the narrator. I think you'd know if it was a suprise to you or not.
>Yeah, you could probably do with an editor.
>Thesauruses are your friend. Mix it up. Parched, thirsty, dry, dehydrated. Don't have to do it every time... but try and do it most of the time, it helps.
Overall: Despite my internal "Fun Warning" at the start, it wasn't terrible. Unfortunately, it wasn't amazing, either. Characterization's a little off - MC's 22, and it just feels like he's/you're trying a little too hard to write this character. Throw in a lot of edit-work being needed (proof-reading, at least) and it's falling short of the mid-way mark, even if only by a bit.
On the other hand, it's a self-insert with a cheesy humanification premise, so this is about what I expected, really.
"since there were some times I didn’t pay attention and smashed my fingers with a hammer or chisel."
that is NOT how you are supposed to get hammered
i like it, and it's honestly better than most of my fics, tracking
369255
Trust me when I say "I'm trying."
These issues have already been apparent since I've been here on this site. It would be rather simple to get a proof-reader to fix all of these mistakes, but if only it were that easy to find one... They are bloody hard to find, my friend.
Interesting... Definitely gonna have to keep an eye on this.
369279
Tell me about it.
Anyway...
I visited for the picture but I stayed for the wonderfull story.
You are a great writer, i wish you the best of luck with all your stories.
Good day.
369075
Want me to edit this too my friend?
369457
Only if it doesn't burden you. I'm sure you have a lot on your plate with the Naruto fic, after all.
Personally there is just not enough of the story yet for me to give a "this is good" or a "all my raeg". So far however, your playing with the reverse HIE, with humification trope. And you have a grand amount of breathing room here. So make the best of it and write more plz.
Tracked, I'm curious as to what happens.
The avatar< prays you have the ability to make the plot (mostly celestia's) ravashing.
-never stop writting.
I can only imagine what slorgies fic will bring since he actually hired someone to make his cover art.
Absolutely excellent!
Definitely tracking!
Very, very interesting. Really liked your OCs.
Really looking forward to the next chapter, and see just how the story will proceed!
All I can say:
1.bp.blogspot.com/-zVOp5DlQ2MQ/TzO4rBdXZLI/AAAAAAAAAt4/qwC2MHP-xKA/s1600/approval-people-clapping.gif
Bravo good sir.
Definitely worth tracking.
Now I am off to keep writing my DMC/MLP Crossover story.
Me gusta
MOAR