The Adventures of Chaosman and Dragonboy take 2
Spike found himself camped outside Rarity’s boutique. Again. Why he was situated in the grass with a pair of binoculars, he did not exactly know. Especially considering they were completely visible. A few ponies had even come to observe what was going on. Putting down the binoculars, he decided to ask Discord, who had accompanied him.
“Discord why are we spying on Rarity. I thought you were going to help me?” asked Spike as he turned to regard his companion. Much to his surprise, he did not find Discord but rather a square box in his place. Spike frowned.
“Discord are you hiding under there?” Spike went to touch it, only for the box to fly forward and hit him, causing him to fall over. It revealed Discord, who was dressed in a skin tight, black body suit, covered in a ridiculous assortment of belts, pouches and pockets. An eye patch covered his eye and his hair was spiked up. He carried a fake cigarette that created bubbles in his right claw. He dropped down and put a single finger to Spike’s lips.
“Shhhhh! You’ll blow our cover.” Suddenly a group of ponies who were watching them, had exclamation marks pop over their heads, followed by a loud musical sound. Needless to say the terrified ponies quickly fled from the three dimensional punctuation marks. Discord breathed a sigh of relief. He let his finger drop. “Good they're gone. What’s up shortround?” Spike winced at the nickname.
“I said, why are we hanging out in the grass?”
“It is called a stakeout, my dear friend,” said Discord while he twisted his spine in a horrific way. “We are here to collect information on the target!” Discord summoned an armchair and flopped down into it, taking a puff of the cigarette. He popped his one good eye out of his head and elongated it to binocular like lengths.
“I know what a stakeout is,” replied Spike crossly. He then flapped his arms. “But isn’t the point of a stakeout that were not seen?” Discord looked around him to find that Spike was probably right. He shoved his eye back in.
“Hmmm.” Discord stroked his chin. “Good point, we should move to the next stage.” Discord turned about and a loud cluttering was heard. When Spike saw him next, Discord was holding a cloth and a black bottle. “Okay, I’ve got the chloroform. Do you have the gasoline?” Discord squinted his eyes at Spike. “We’ll make it quick. The old lady should be upstairs. We’ll make it look like an accident!” Discord then giggled madly. He dropped the cloth and then proceeded to make a sweeping gesture with his free claw. “Then the fortune will be ours. One coach trip later, we’ll be over the border and the world's our oyster.” Spike gave him a disbelieving look as if he had grown three heads. Discord awkwardly looked at Spike.
“What are you talking about?!” shouted Spike. “This is Rarity’s! We’re here for Rarity.” Spike indicated for Discord to move his head down towards him, Spike then grabbed his face. Stretching it painfully downwards. “Remember?!” Spike let go, Discord’s face then quickly wrapped up onto itself. He pulled down on his goatee, reverting his face to normal.
“Oh, Oh! Right, heh.” He grimaced as he threw the bottle away and audible crash being heard in the distance. “Don’t know what I was thinking. We still get to burn something down right?” Discord gave a pleading look.
“No,” grunted Spike.
“Damn and I got dressed up and all,” snapped Discord. He pinched the edge of his attire with his index finger and thumb, he tore it off in one quick motion. Discord sighed before eating the eyepatch. “Well let’s go fix your pathetic love life.” With a spring in his step, he whistled as he approached the boutique. He missed the annoyed glare Spike gave him.
“Hey!”
“Don’t be mad,” quipped Discord turning his head fully backwards, still walking towards Rarity’s boutique. “You have the most developed love life of all the cast no matter how messed up it may be!” Spike decided that perhaps it was high time just to completely ignore the mad god’s babbling, least he develop a tumour from listening to him.
“Let’s just go.”
The bell rang as they opened the door. The boutique was empty except for a rack of dresses occupying the centre of the room. Suddenly there was a call from upstairs.
“I’ll be down in a minute!” Discord looked at Spike only to find that the young dragon was now sweating heavily. A terrified look adorning his features. Spike’s left arm began twitching violently.
“I can’t do this,” he whispered.
“What?” asked Discord, thoroughly confused. “You’re the one that insisted we go in!” Discord crossed his arms. “Anyway weren’t you here like a couple of hours ago?”
“Yeah but I can’t anymore,” said Spike as he gripped Discord’s leg. “Especially when you know I’m going to, eh, say things to her.” The scene would have been adorable had it not been Discord. He had not time for this. He shook his leg to free it of Spike, who fell on the floor
.
“Come on, don’t be so useless. Man up!”
“No, I want to leave,” said Spike as he made a mad rush for the door. Rarity could be heard shuffling upstairs. Spike found that he was not moving forward. He looked to his feet, only to find that he was currently off the floor. There was a thick serpentine tail wrapped around his midsection. Discord moved him in front of his face.
“Spike, Spike, Spike, stupid boy” he chided as he grabbed his cheek like a child. Spike rubbed his cheek as Discord let him go. “Remember you have Discord as a friend.” Discord proudly jammed his thumb against his chest. “You know, master of chaos and such. With my powers we are bound to succeed.”
“But how?”
“Time travel, duh,” said Discord sticking his tongue out, as if the answer was obvious. “Each time you mess up I’ll just send up back in time to retry again and again.” Discord snapped his fingers and reappeared a few feet away. “It’s perfect. We’ll just keep trying till you get it right. Simples.”
“Wait you can time travel?” asked Spike sceptically. “Why haven’t you used this before?” Discord jammed a finger into Spike’s face. He waved his index finger back and forth much like a school teacher accosting a student.
“Ah-ah, don’t point out plot holes in the story. That’s for the comments section.”
“What?”
“Scratch that,” exclaimed Discord as he heard the movement upstairs. Discord scowled before looking towards Spike with panicked eyes. “She’s coming, quickly get into position!”
“Wait a minute?” interrupted Spike pulling at Discord’s leg. Discord gave him a disparaging look. “Won’t it be really bad to continually mess with the time stream.” Spike appeared unsure. “Like, won’t there be…you know problems with it and such.” Spike couldn’t think of more blunt terms to express his caution.
“Consequences!” answered Discord. He blew a raspberry. “Of course not, who ever heard of time travel being dangerous!”
“Uhh,” replied Spike, remembering a similar incident with his own charge.
“Hello?” called Rarity as the creak of the stairs could be heard. Spike started shaking. Discord flapped his arms before taking a deep breath. He gripped Spike and then slapped him. Spike was too surprised to actually react.
“Spike, focus!”
“Wait, what do I do, Discord!?” cried Spike. The hoofsteps got louder as Rarity prepared to descend the stairs. Discord slapped Spike again. “Hey stop th-”
“Be assertive!” Discord kept shaking Spike, not realising that he was nauseating the poor boy. “Go in there and demand her love. Don’t take no for an answer! Women love that macho bravado kind of thing.” Discord’s face fell a little. “I think anyway. I’m limited to the writer’s understanding of things. Now go get ‘em.” Discord spun Spike who almost lost his balance. Spike watched as Rarity came into view. Spike looked back towards to Discord, only to find a hideously ugly lamp in his place.
“Spike?” inquired Rarity. Spike could barely breathe. Here she was, the most beautiful mare in the world and here he was about to profess his undying love for her. Sure, he had interacted with her on a constant basis but this time it was different.
And that utterly terrified Spike.
“Come on Spike, just remember what Discord said?” he whispered to himself. Rarity noticed his mumbling as she got closer to him.
“Spike, what are you doing here?” she asked concernedly. “I thought you were going home for lunch?” Rarity motioned with her head in the general direction of the library. She then realised that he was still quietly talking. She squinted her eyes and leaned forward to hear him better. “What are you whispering about?” Spike jumped back, startling them both. He donned a sheepish smile.
“Oh, heh, nothing,” he said rubbing the back of his head awkwardly. “I-I just needed to uh t-talk, yeah.” Rarity was unconvinced, quirking an eyebrow at his response.
“Really?” Suddenly Rarity shook her head. “No matter, I’m actually kind of glad you’re here!” Rarity wrapped a hoof around Spike. This caused Spike’s eyes flicker uncontrollably and his right arm to shake furiously. “I just got a new shipment of materials.” Rarity pointed at a large assortment of boxes that Spike had somehow not noticed. Rarity gave Spike a sly look. “And I know just the right person for the job! There is a tasty emerald in it for whoever it may be.”
“What? That’s-uh no, I-” Spike looked back towards the disfigured lamp managing to temporarily escape Rarity’s clutches.
'Be assertive,' it called in a wise mentor like echo. Spiked nodded sagely. Rarity suddenly appeared at his side. She squinted her eyes at what Spike was looking at, only to recoil in horror. With quick steps she regarded the Discord lamp.
“Where in Celestia’s name did that disgustingly awful lamp come from?!” She gave Spike a disbelieving look. “Did you bring that in?” Spike was quick to shake his head. “Ugh, just look at it?” Rarity scrunched her muzzle as if she had just smelt something putrid. With a huff, she turned away. “Gah ,I’m going to have to get rid of that in a minute.”
“Oh, you’re such a bit-”said Discord. Rarity startled, a light blush on her cheeks. Spike coughed loudly knocking over the lamp. An audible ‘hey’ could be heard by Spike.
“Did you say anything Spikey?”
“No,” chuckled Spike nervously. “Well actually I wanted to talk to you about something.” Despite Spike’s words, Rarity seemed more focused on the assortment of boxes.
“Just think about it Spike!” she declared dramatically. “Thanks to all of these celebrity deals recently, my shop has been up the walls with orders!” She glanced over the boxes meaningfully, her ideas coming to life as she thought of what she was going to do. She then put on a dazzling smile that made Spike’s legs shake. “I’ve even got orders from outside Equestria!” She let out a ‘squee’ as she clopped her hooves together. “Oh, it’s all so exciting.”
“Rarity.”
“I mean me, mild mannered Rarity.” She proudly jabbed a hoof proudly into her chest. “The hottest thing on the market at the moment. And I don’t mean to sound awful but I must admit Twilight being a princess has done wonders for my social status. I’m in with the cream of the crop!” Spike gave her a withering look, to which Rarity dutifully ignored.
“Rarity!”
“Oh Spike, with all of this going on it’s just too much.” Rarity fell back miraculously landing on a couch, somehow. She quickly shot up though after her faux faint. Her eyes sparkled. “Maybe I need to branch out.” She trotted across the room as a smouldering Spike attempted to gain her attention. “Open a second store perhaps.” Rarity gasped. “A franchise Spike! Just think about it.”
“Rarity!!!” roared Spike. Rarity immediately stopped. Spike’s breath was erratic as he calmed down from his outburst. Rarity frowned.
“Spike, what’s wrong?”
“Rarity,” sighed Spike. “I need to tell you something and I won’t let you interrupt me again.”
“Spike…”
“No!” shouted Spike his eyes shutting as he did so. Rarity stepped back. Spike was silent for a few moments. His mouth was open but his voice could find no words. Rarity mouthed something. He donned a stern expression before looking Rarity in the eye.“Y-you see I L-um, have f-feelings for y-you.” Spike cursed under his breath at his hesitation as Rarity grew visibly more and more uncomfortable. “I –I care for you I guess.” He waved his claw slightly before kicking the floor. “I-I’ve cared for you for a long time.” Spike gulped, with determination he approached Rarity. “And I-I can’t take it anymore!” The tone and volume of his voice, made Rarity almost as uneasy as the subject matter he was directing the conversation to. She hoped she wouldn’t have had to deal with this for another few years. She was about to speak but Spike pressed on. “The reason I do all of this is for you know?” Spike gave her a pleading and desperate look. “Not for the gems. Just you! What I’m trying to say is…iss.is. t-that I love you.”
An eerie silence passed between them. Rarity’s mouth was agape, her jaw seemingly moving of its own accord, her face unsure onto to which emotion it should settle for. Spike looked exhausted though he maintained a prideful stance, quite relieved to finally have confessed. Rarity sighed. With a grimace, she bit her bottom lip. She quickly ushered Spike over and placed a hoof on his shoulder.
“Spike I don’t know how-“
“Cut!!” roared an amplified voice.
Then it all went silent. Rarity was frozen in position. Her eyes still looking into Spike’s. A wave of confusion came over him. He looked around to find Discord seated in a chair. Of course it would be asking too much for Discord to be just regular Discord? No, instead he was dressed in a purple sweater, with small black glasses while smoking a bubble producing cigarette. He angrily shook a bunch of papers. In front of him was a camera manned by who else, but another Discord.
“No! No! No! What the hell was that?” Discord exclaimed as he got out of his chair. Spike spotted the clock that the clock on the wall had stopped ticking and its hands were motionless. Spike then came upon the realisation that Discord had in fact stopped time. Needless to say, Spike was more than annoyed.
“I tried to be assertive like you said!” declared Spike. Discord was confused.
“What assertive?!” He smacked Spike with the paper. “Are you stupid?! You’re frightening her.” Discord gestured to the clearly not frightened Rarity. “Where’s the gentleness? The kindness? The love!?”
“T-that’s n-not what you said,” sputtered Spike.
“I have no memory of this,” stated Discord. He looked around accusingly. He quickly focused on a Discord in the background carrying a tray of coffee cups. "You! This is your fault isn’t it?!" The other Discord blanched. “With your walking and talking, duh duh duh! I bet you’re a real nice guy but no, not this time. No this time you crossed the line.” Discord waved his arms violently.
“Uh.” Discord let his face drop into his claws, he rubbed his temples.
“You’re fired is what I’m trying to say.” He pointed towards the door. The other Discord sped away crying sending coffee everywhere. The mugs smashed against the floor. A living broom that barked like a dog cleaned them up. Spike had a blank expression while it all occurred.
“Ummmm” Discord sighed deeply before retaking his position in the chair. He snapped his fingers at the camera Discord before motioning towards Spike.
“This time less bravado more...sweetness I suppose is what I'm looking for. Do it again. Right take two.” Spike blinked. There was a sound similar to a tape being re-winded as he stood there. Rarity going through the motions she had just done a few minutes earlier. When the sound stopped, he found himself facing Rarity again who greeted him.
“What is the matter Spike?”
The conversation went much the same as last time but instead of trying to interrupt Rarity, Spike decided to listen to what she had to say. In truth this proved to be a mistake in hindsight. Rarity continued to gush about her career and her prospects. All the while, a timid Spike could not force himself to confess. Discord’s constant reminders reeling him in. As the minutes wore on, Spike’s once sky high confidence dissipated into the nervous wreck he was when he first entered the establishment. As Rarity continued with her prolonged word salad, Spike at last tried to intervene.
“Rarity I kind of wanted t-to um talk,” stuttered Spike pathetically.
“But I wonder what blue I should use, perhaps a darker shade-” then Rarity was cut off. Her face pulled into a ridiculous expression. Spike having anticipated what happened, had already turned around to glare at his trickster friend.
Discord sat discontented in his chair his right hand tapping the edge of the chair. His eyes were wide, a blank look on his face and his cigarette was hanging loosely from his mouth. It fell a few seconds later, falling into his lap. He raised his arms accusingly.
“What the hell was that?”
“What do you mean?”
“She’s talking over you,” shouted Discord.
“I’m following your stupid advice,” retorted Spike getting quite angry. He flailed his arms, his movement struck Rarity who fell over much like a mannequin. Spike gasped and tried to pick up the still frozen mare. Though her mane became disfigured from being rubbed off the floor. Spike attempted to correct it but to no avail, only make it worse in the process.
“No you’re not,” said Discord as he snaked right next to Spike, knocking over Rarity again. “Where’s the strength!” Discord flexed his non-existent muscles. “Where’s the power? Why are you being nice to her? Women love when you treat them like dirt!” Spike gave him a livid look.
“Oh, I swear I’m going to burn you.” Discord dismissed him.
“Right take three. This time get it right.” Discord looked towards his assistant who also happened to be a Discord. “I mean really, how long does it take to confess your love to someone correctly?” Discord pulled up a megaphone. “And action!”
Many hours later...
“Why can’t you get it right? Is it so damn hard to get it right?!” bellowed Discord looming over a tired looking Spike. Discord was wearing a stained white shirt, his glasses long discarded and a cigarette hanging from his mouth. He quickly tossed it over to the growing pile near the sleeping Discord on the camera. The script pages were wrinkled and torn. Spike’s eyes were bloodshot and his body sagged under the weight of his exhaustion.
“Discord I can’t do this!” proclaimed Spike. His feet dragged as moved near the Discord.
“What do you me you can’t do this?” Discord slammed his claw into his paw. “We’ve been at this for ten hours! How can’t you get this!” He grabbed Spike and shook him violently. His normally large goofy eyes replaced by tiny little beads of white, his mane sparkling with flame as his normally grey face turned a bright red. “It’s just three bloody words! How in Celestia’s plot is that hard?” Spike seemed less concerned with Discord’s rage than with his ability to stop yawning.
“I’m tired I want to go home,” he pleaded. “Can’t we do this tomorrow morning?”
"But it’s only four o’clock," retorted Discord pointing at the clock in the corner.
"It’s been four o’clock for ten hours," moaned Spike. His eyelids began to droop as he struggled to maintain his balance. Eventually he nodded off while standing. Though jolted awake quite quickly. Discord matted down his mane. The flames finally extinguished. His eyes finally reverting to normal. He tried to put on a smile but failed miserably, instead coming off as more of an insane madman look then one of encouragement.
“Come on one more try I’m sure we can get her this time!” Spike’s face was unmoving. He merely turned around, dragging his feet along the way. He opened the door.
“Goodbye Discord.” The door shut with finality leaving Discord alone with the frozen Rarity who he had vandalised by giving her a curly mustache. Also a piece of reality was missing in the corner of the shop. Something about time folding in unto itself. He may have to to fix that later.
“Fine quit! You’ll never work in this town again,” he called after Spike throwing papers at the door. Discord’s head fell into his palms. He remained as such until he heard a disgruntled huff and the ticking of the clock. 'Oops.'
“Discord what is Tartarus is going on? Why are you so filthy?” Only then did Discord realise that time had restarted itself. He found himself staring face to face with a hilarious looking Rarity who looked both bewildered and annoyed, at least until she saw the state of her store.”What happened here? Why is there such a mess? What in Luna’s name is that? Any why is it sucking in my couch?” Rarity turned her full fury at Discord whose mouth was hanging wide open. Much like a fish out of water or a filly getting caught doing something naughty, Discord did not seem to be able to give an adequate response.Though he did mange to cough out one sentence.
“I can explain.”
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This part killed me. Keep up the good work!
Oh no! The ship is going down!
4933215 Mayday! We're taking on water here! Ship is sinking! Mayday! We need evac now!
4933426
Worry not good citizen! The S.S. Pinkie Pie has heard your distress call, and will be coming to your aid once the streudel is finished.
4939074 I'm afraid the U-boat D-15Cord has done critical damage to this ship
4939508
Then all hope is lost. It's been a pleasure serving under you sir. Sound the taps boys. If we must go down, then we will go down singing. Like stallions.
Man, poor Spike. He's probably been emotionally traumatised from this chapter. 10 straight hours of confessing his love to Rarity and he still can't get it right.