The Manehattan Project

by Bronio Kröger

Dr. Strangehoof: Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Barn

The Manehattan Project
Dr. Strangehoof: Or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Barn
Bronio Kröger

"And as we know," said Twilight while gesturing to her chalkboard, "the laws of motion indicate that a Traveling Wilbury will continue to travel, while a Wilbury at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless an external force acts upon it. That's where the particle accelerator comes in."

Applebloom nodded enthusiastically, gesturing to her fellow Crusaders. "Great Uncle Apple Newton came up with that law!"

Twilight continued. "By smashing together anions and cations at high velocity, they fuse to form a Pettion. The Pettion, so named because it has a petavolt of mass, is unstable, and decays into two hadrons: an Orbison and a Harrison. The path formed by this radioactive decay will allow us to measure the fundamental forces of the universe. Isn't that amazing?"

Applebloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle nodded, smiling blankly. They had no idea what Twilight was talking about, but if they were to be Cutie Mark Crusaders Superconducting Supercollider Data Collators, they'd be willing to endure any lecture.

Twilight pointed to a few black-and-white pictures of an older unicorn stallion. In some of them, his cutie mark was a dead cat; in others, it was a living cat. It was all very confusing to the Crusaders. "This," said Twilight, "is Robert Cloppenheimer, who pioneered quantum physics. In addition to creating the Hay-bomb, he discovered some very interesting properties about the universe: namely that it doesn't make any sense."

"Ah ha!" said Sweetie Belle. "Wait, does this explain why you're not making any sense, Twilight?" she asked.

"No, no, my little ponies," answered Twilight. "I don't make any sense because I've been diagnosed with Autism." Nailed it! Twilight thought to herself.

"Ohhhhhhhh," the Cutie Mark Crusaders Superconducting Supercollider Data Collators answered in unison. "That makes sense!" they continued. "Even though it shouldn't!" added a beaming Sweetie Belle.

Such a sweet filly, thought Twilight to herself. What she lacks in sense she makes up for in adorableness. Maybe that's from the extra chromosome.

"So, my little ponies, are we ready to start measuring some data?" an excited Twilight asked, clapping her hooves together in anticipation.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS SUPERCONDUCTING SUPERCOLLIDER DATA COLLATORS ARE READY!" the three fillies shouted, so loudly that the library shook.

"Here we go!" Twilight concentrated for a moment and her horn began to glow. Suddenly, a flash an an explosion and a burst of light --

-- and the four ponies were instantly teleported to an empty barn on Sweet Apple Acres, that had been reappropriated for use as a particle accelerator. Applejack, though not much of a physicist, approved of something that would keep the Cutie Mark Crusaders out of her mane. When Twilight suggested "having them monitor surges of radiation created by nuclear interactions," Applejack jumped at the chance for the fillies to have some wholesome fun and to give her free time to buck apples.

"Wow!" exclaimed Applebloom, amazed beyond belief at how the old barn could be turned into a giant laboratory. Every square inch of the rafters was covered in pipes and wires. Control panels and readouts were everywhere. A series of giant metal cylinders and spirals covered most of the floors, a twisted helix in a shoe shape. "How did ... how did you afford all this?" the flabbergasted filly asked.

"Why, with your tax dollars, of course!" Twilight giggled. The purple scientist trotted over to the control panel, where Spike was standing. Spike wore a white lab coat and was looking at a clipboard.

"Are you ready, Dr. Strangehoof?" asked Spike in a thick German accent.

"What?" asked Scootaloo.

"Oh," blushed Twilight. "That's sort of my ... science name for myself. I gave it to myself in Science Camp, when I swore revenge upon all the other fillies that teased me." Twilight smiled from ear to ear. "Vengeance will be mine. With SCIENCE!"

"No, I meant the German accent," asked Scootaloo.

"Don't judge me," snarled Spike. "I did what I was told. I was just following orders."

"Speaking of blindly obeying authority, does everyone have their safety gear on?" asked Twilight Sparkle. The Cutie Mark Crusaders nodded. Spike, on the other hand, asked indignantly, "Hey! Why don't I have any protective gear?"

"Silly Spike," Twilight laughed dismissively. "Because you're the control group, of course! You can't have science without a control group!"

As Spike grumbled, Twilight motioned for the fillies to put on their gear, which she had laid out for them beforehand. The Cutie Mark Crusaders put on their radiation safety gear; full suits, goggles and helmets. "Hey, why don't I have a helmet?" asked Sweetie Belle.

"The damage has already been done," responded Twilight sadly. But she doesn't want to be left out, Twilight thought to herself. Suddenly, with a flash of insight, she grabbed a burlap sack and threw it on Sweetie Belle's head. "Safety first! Alley oop!" said Twilight.

"Yay!" Sweetie Belle shouted, hopping to and fro and glad she was being treated as an equal to the other fillies. I'm a helper. I helped! Twilight Sparkle autistically thought to herself.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders jumped and clapped as Twilight pushed a lever. A giant set of tubes began to glow, and a strange buzzing noise filled the barn. Giant arcs of electricity moved from tower to tower, and pistons began to move to and fro within sealed cylinders.

"What's that?" asked Applebloom.

"Oh, that's just the cyclotron creating particles to smash into each other at high speeds. If my calculations are correct, we should see some interesting data, right about .... now." Twilight looked at the readout, clearly pleased by the stream of numbers. The Cutie Mark Crusaders Superconducting Supercollider Data Collators were diligently writing down all the numbers, plotting them on a giant chart.

"And now I am become Death, Destroyer of worlds!" chuckled Twilight Sparkle to herself, her ear twitching slightly.

"Is that why you're wearing a necklace of skulls?" asked Sweetie Belle innocently.

"No, Sweetie Belle; Rarity made this for me as a gift because skulls are 'in' this season," replied Twilight.

The little unicorn nodded. My sister is the best! thought Sweetie Belle to herself. This was generally her default thought.

"Uh oh... what's this?" asked Spike. "Look at these numbers." Twilight walked over, the Cutie Mark Crusaders following.

"Very odd, hmmm...." mused Twilight. "I've never seen anything like this before." Twilight powered down the collider and turned to the three fillies. "Okay, girls, I'm going to need you to take a look at this data and see if you can explain these strange data points. Can you do that?"

"Absolutely!" said Applebloom. "You bet!" said Scootaloo. "My sister is the best!" said Sweetie Belle.

And so it was that the fillies went off to examine spreadsheets and determine statistical trends based on empirical data.

End of Chapter

Comments

[shalrath]

Mark it five Donny! Mark it five!

Awesome story.

[Skywriter]

I'm sorry, but:

"And as we know," said Twilight while gesturing to her chalkboard, "the laws of motion indicate that a Traveling Wilbury will continue to travel, while a Wilbury at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless an external force acts upon it. That's where the particle accelerator comes in."

Tracked, liked and faved from line one.