• Published 1st Mar 2014
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Urohringr - Imploding Colon



Rainbow Dash and the Noble Jury fly east.

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Rainbow Over the Frozen Sea

A bright white sun glistened off wave after bitter cold wave. The Frozen Sea stretched towards every horizon without blemish, save for one spot. A large chunk of ice floated by its lonesome in the middle of the bobbing waters. The miniature iceberg was a long, slender thing, about seven feet across and over ninety feet in length. It resembled a great frozen coffin, in a way, and the falling flakes of snow had formed a thin carpet of powdery frost across its otherwise translucent surfaces.

There was a brief flurry of wind, and some of the downy snow blew away, revealing a dull form lying darkly beneath the surface of the frozen slab. The shard rocked a bit, its sides bobbing in the water. Not long after, a forelimb reached down across the powdery snow. A blue hoof slid free from a length sleeve of dark brown leather, then proceeded to brush the snow off the ice in sweeping motions. The exposed surface of the shard reflected a hooded figure with twitching ears.

With a deep breath, Rainbow Dash narrowed her goggled eyes, then swept more of the powder loose with her hoof. The dark form exposed beneath the slab's exterior spread out underneath her, occupying the bulk of the floating block of ice. Rainbow Dash backtrotted, clad in a tanned leather coat that fitted her form tightly, with a pair of holes allowing her blue wings to stick through.

Shuffling and shuffling, Rainbow Dash brushed more of the snow off the slab's surface, utilizing her spectral tail hairs. At last, she stumbled upon something of interest. A few feet within the slab, she saw a gigantic row of teeth, frozen in an immortal snarl. Not that far from this was a slender snout, at the end of which was attached a slender probiscus, coiled in a tight spiral from years of freezing temperatures and rigor mortis. At the end of this fleshy attachment was a dark, bulbous structure... and it was glowing red, albeit dimly.

Rainbow Dash took a deep breath. At last, she lowered her hood, exposing her ears and billowing prismatic mane to the Frozen Sea's bitter winds. Adjusting the lenses of her goggles, she reached back to a pair of tan leather saddlebags built into the material of her coat. Opening one flap, she pulled out a metal tool of Props' design. There was a hoof-shaped knob at one end, a glowing crystal in the center, and a sharp golden needle at the opposite point.

Rainbow stood squarely over the dark figure beneath the ice. With careful hooves, she tweaked and turned the knob of the instrument before flipping a tiny switch on its side. The crystal started flickering as a high pitched whine filled the air. Rainbow next unbuttoned a leather flap just beneath the collar of her coat. Her ruby pendant was exposed from around her neck. This, she rubbed with gentle motions of her hoof, summoning a ruby glow from within. The unworldly light of her element illuminated the depths of the translucent ice block beneath her. She zeroed her sights in on the spot where the frozen, fleshy probiscus attached to the dimly glowing gland beneath her, and she aimed her instrument's golden needle point at the stretch of ice directly above it.

Bracing herself with her lower legs, Rainbow squatted low and turned the knob of her instrument, activating it.

Vhrrrrrr! The golden tip sparkled brightly, rivaling the sun's glow. Tinting her goggles, Rainbow Dash leaned down and sliced deep into the ice. Steam rose up around her in rapid grand columns, turning to frost downwind behind her. Scrkkkk! With practiced precision, Rainbow Dash cut a deep square in the ice, large enough to frame the target that awaited her underneath.

She was two-thirds of the way through her task when she heard a sudden splash of water.

Instantly, Rainbow Dash cut the instrument off and looked up. With a blurred hoof, she reached up and untinted her goggles.

Waves and waves surrounded her in the Frozen Sea. There wasn't a single object to be found—not a solitary darting shape. She did sense the slab weaving slightly, but even that came to a standstill—just like everything.

Squinting, Rainbow Dash retinted her goggles and resumed her task. It wasn't long before she had cut an entire square with the heated tool. Once that was complete, she pulled the item back, reached into her opposite saddlebag, and produced what looked like a hollow cylinder lined with metal rods. This she stood up in the center of the cut block and hammered it with a metal mallet until it was embedded deep into the slab. A hole resided at the exposed end of the cylinder, and she stuck the golden tip of her heat tool into it. Flipping another tiny switch, she spun the knob all the way. The device hummed, its crystal core flashing brightly.

Holding her breath, Rainbow Dash galloped away—careful not to slip on the aged ice. Once she was at a twenty foot distance, she shielded her face with her wingfeathers and looked towards the far horizon.

Wriiiiiiiii—Pow! The instrument sent a single pullse into the cylinder. There was a pulse of golden light, and less than two seconds later the sliced block had melted entirely. A gust of hot steam flew skyward while the instrument and its glowing hot cylinder rattled to a stop in a sudden niche within the surface of the ice.

Rainbow Dash trotted back over. She slid on her knees and adjusted her goggles to examine the exposed chunk of ice. Slimy scales with netrotic veins glistened in the sunlight, exposed for the first time in an unknowable amount of decades. A fleshy snout coiled tightly, connecting to a bulbous gland of red flesh—like a giant cherry—that glowed with natural luminescence. One or two jagged teeth from a monster's petrified jaws loomed below, with two-foot-long teeth glistening with slick condensation.

The pegasus spent no time sight-seeing. She slid the instrument and pocket away into separate saddlebags and reached into another pocket for her hatchet. Just as she slid it out with a metallic chiiing, she heard another splash of water echoing her movements. She froze, gazing up with inquisitive goggles.

This time, she definitely caught sight of a stream of water rippling past the floating ice slab. It sped up, slowed down, and then vanished completely. Five seconds later, a deep pulse of red light rippled out from the depths just beneath the ice slab.

Rainbow Dash hissed into gritting teeth. Clutching the hatchet in the crook of her hoof, she stuck her upper body down into the evaporated gap and began slicing and chiseling away at the fleshy probiscus attached to the glowing gland.

This went on for an agonizing two minutes, during which the waves picked up, forcing the slab to sway left and right dramatically. The red glow around the ice chunk itensified, strobing in alternate pulses than the dimness emanating from the gland tjat Rainbow was attempting to retrieve.

Frustrated, Rainbow Dash resorted to biting her teeth onto the hatchet's handle and throwing her head down in jerky motions. Grunting, she slashed and chopped away at the fleshy material attached to the petrified gland. The scales split apart. Ice water mixed with a pool of black blood and jaundice. At last, she caused the large red thing to snap loose. Immediately pocketing the hatchet, she reached two hooves down into the gross excavation and yanked loose the fleshy crimson sphere. It was the size of four watermelons clumped together, and it was a tricky feat for the pegasus to even hold it. Nevertheless, she gripped it in a pair of strong forelimbs.

A victorious smile crossed her lips...

Hressssshaaaa! A mammoth pair of jaws burst up out of the Frozen Sea, smashing loose a chunk of the frozen slab to Rainbow's left.

"Gaaaugh!" She fell back, slamming onto her spine with a flap of her coat's leathery hood.

The red pulsing gland slipped out of her grasp, careening towards the far end of the slab.

Panting, Rainbow Dash rolled onto her chest, gripping onto the violently bobbing ice platform for dear life. Her goggles glinted with red light, and she tilted her head up to see the elongated snout of an Ice Wyrm looming directly above, its nose fitted with a long cartiligenous cord, at the end of which dangled a naturally glowing lantern. Fluids inside the bulbous sphere rotated until it faced Rainbow's sprawled figure. Otherwise blind, the sea monster let loose a hideous roar and plunged its neck and jaws towards her.

Squeaking, Rainbow Dash flapped her wings and slid forward on her chest like a penguin. The monster's jaws came down behind her, forcibly smashing the slab in half and tilting her end of it down. She grabbed her hatchet and slammed it into the ice, anchoring herself in place as her body suddenly dangled over the lurching jaws of the beast beneath her.

Something with a dull glow was sliding towards her face. Breathless, she looked up, and her goggles' lenses reflected the gland rushing back towards her across the snowy, upended surface of the slab. In a single grunt, she bit her teeth over the hatchet's handle, bucked off the slab with her lower legs, backflipped, and flapped her wings. She flew tup owards the gland, grabbed it in two forelimbs, and flapped her wings again—faster this time.

Hresssssh! The monster lunged again, its teeth undulating outward in three rows surrounding a gummy maw.

"Nnngh!" Rainbow Dash spun around with the fleshy sphere in her grasp. As the dead monster's twin lunged at her, she hovered in place, waited, and spun around with the hatchet gripped in her teeth. With daredevilish timing, she was able to lacerate the monster's glowing lantern just as it swung at her.

Black blood spilled through the snowy air. The monster let loose a shriek, reared back, and cannonballed back into the icy currents. It thrashed painfully about in the depths, its two-pronged tail sending sprays of ice water flying hundreds of feet into the air.

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash flew safely away. Adjusting her grip of the gland, she spat the hatchet out and spun so that it landed safely in one of her coat's pockets.

"Sorry, sister," she muttered over her shoulder as her fuzzy ears twitched from the wyrm's painful shrieks. "This early bird's not interested in you." Blue feathers spread, she climbed altitude and soared towards a gray speck along the southwest horizon, hovering alone above the endless cold waves.


"Hey, grease monkette," Josho grumbled from where he sat on the corner of the Noble Jury's top deck, polishing a mana rifle. "I've got news for you. It's warmer outside than it is inside."

"Like I told everypony two days ago—I'm working on it, Fatty Cathy!" Props stuck her tongue out as she trudged from the stern's stairwell towards the cockpit on the other side. "Besides, we all know we're waiting for Rainbow Dash to deliver the—whoahwhoahwhoah!" She slid across the deck, only to be caught in Zaid's warm embrace. She looked up, tilted her lopsided goggles out from across her eyes, and murmured, "Hiya, cheese grater."

"Hi yourself, blondie," Zaid returned with a smirk. He was clad in a woolie cloat and an even woolier hood. "Is Mount Rushmoron here giving you a hard time?" he asked, nodding his head in Josho's direction.

"We were supposed to have the heat back on by now," Josho droned, his lips curling as he pretended to be concentrated on the rifle in his grasp. "As much as I've gotten used to our burgundy chef's soggy noddle hay soup, I'd rather heat myself up with something that doesn't give me the runs."

"Ever thought of sitting on a rod of hot coals and melting all that greased fat out your ears?" Zaid smirked. "Now there's a way to keep warm."

"Hardy har har. You know, for a cultist, your humor ain't that heavenly."

"The only paradise around here is standing upwind around you." Zaid winked. "How about giving blondie some slack? She's only doing everything but walking outside the ship and pushing."

"I swear..." Josho grumbled as he trotted off with his gun. "If I have to light a bonfire just to take a piss..."

"Grrrr..." Props pouted with red cheeks as she brushed past Zaid and approached the cockpit. "You stallions are all alike—all bragging and yellow snow. Hey handsome!"

"Make it quick before boomer's spit freezes!" Floydien snarled, fumbling with the loose wires of a partially dismantled intercom console inside the ship's cockpit. "Did blonde boomer find the overloaded manaconduit?"

"It wasn't on my end!" Props exclaimed, then waved a charred black needle. "Though I did find this outdated arcano-copper leyline expander!" She squinted at the elk. "What was it doing in the aft engine compartment?"

"Balls if Floydien knows." The elk's cloven hooves dug deeper and deeper into the technical intestines. "Everything's been inside out before Floydien allowed boomers to co-boom Nancy Jane!"

"But it wasn't supposed to be in that compartment to begin with, you silly robot goose!" Props stamped her hoof. "If this is how you dress up your beloved's womb, then maybe it explains why the intercom system and the air conditioning went down!"

"Nonsense! It's the weather, Floydien tells boomer!" His red eyes narrowed between sparkling antlers. "Nancy Jane's a summer creature. She was born to be wet with glory sparkles."

"How did you build her so flank-backwards anyways?!"

"It was simple! With lots of spit, affection, and anti stabby-stab!" Floydien fidgeted. "Also glimmer squirrel..."

"Dag to the nabbit!" Props shook in place. "I should be testing out our newly refined skystone array now! Not dealing with all of this... nnngh... icky doo doo mush! Why, I feel so angry I could say... I could just say..."

"S'all good, Propsy." Zaid waved from afar, smirking. "Let it out, girlllllllll."

"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnngh!" Props raised her hoof, raised it higher, then lightly kicked a lonely spot along the ship's railing. "...peaches!" She blinked, then gasped, falling down on her knees and nuzzling the part of the ship she had just kicked. "I'm so sorry! Oh, Nancy! I am soooooo... sooooooo sorry..." She bit her lip, sniffled, and glanced Floydien's way with sparkly blue eyes. "I'll polish her up! I'll make it better! I'm so sorry for getting mean and nasty!"

"Hrnnnnghhh..." Floydien's hairy nostrils flared. "Estrogenoboomerrrrr... Floydien swears, yes yes Floydien does..."

At that moment, Eagle Eye climbed up from the vertical crawlspace below, levitating his sword and shield behind him. "Okay, that does it." He pulled a leather hood over his lavender face and muttered firmly, "It's been over eight hours. I'm going after her."

"After who?" Props squeaked, blinking her eyes wide. "Rainbow Dash?"

"Well, if I wanted to go after Crimson at this point, I'd have a heck of a swim ahead of me." Eagle Eye approached the edge of the ship.

"Forgive me for being the proverbial idiot on the floating crystal ship here..." Zaid raised his hoof. "But are you trying to put me out of a job?"

"Huh?"

"How do you plan to go after Rainbow Dash, dude-gal-bro?" Zaid's eyebrow lifted. "You know how she goes on these trips as of late. She's likely miles away... in the air. How do you plan to go after her? Did Franzington teach Propulsive Flatulence 101?"

"After sailboat boomer's bean soup, what boomer can say?"

"Hey, knock it off!" Eagle frowned aside. "I happen to like Ebon's beans... soup. Bean soup." His violet eyes crossed, and he shook his snout. "Anyways, I was going to use this..." He raised his shield.

"Isn't it the wrong kind of weather for boogey boarding? Besides, there isn't much of a surf."

"It's simple!" Eagle Eye said. "I'll use my telekinesis to push myself along. With a good coat of frost against the shield's surface, I can cover a lot of ground!"

"You're really funny when you're serious."

"For real! I did this sort of stuff back in my training days! Me and Phoenix and Zenith would race each other across the crystal lake by the barracks!"

"Yeah? And how much distance did you cover?"

Eagle Eye fidgeted. "A hundred meters."

"You know what? I stand corrected." Zaid stepped aside and gestured towards the wide, glittering ocean. "Take a dip, gurl."

"Well, I don't see any of you ponies coming up with bright ideas!"

"I take offense to that, sir," Zaid frowned. "My village was raided by a marauding gang of bright ideas when I was just a colt!"

"All of this floating around isn't doing any good! If Roarke was here, we'd have figured out a way to send another flier out there along with Rainbow Dash!"

"Yes, well, since she spontaneously decided to leave us, we've had to make do with a lot less sexiness!" Zaid turned and waved at Props. "No offense."

"It's okay. Besides, that's Floydien's job."

A loud electrical buzz sparked from the cockpit, and the elk grunted, "Deep puss! Grnngh! Biscuit eating estrus fridge!"

Props sighed dreamily, fanning herself. "Nothing short of poetry..."

"Well, we've gotta do something!" Eagle Eye cackled. "Turn the ship about! Follow her last known coordinates!"

"Staying here is the smartest thing," Props said, blinking at both stallions. "And we all know it."

"I dunno about you, but I'm running out of patience." Eagle Eye folded his forelimbs. "Rainbow had better have a sweet excuse for why she's been gone for so long!"

"I dunno about sweet—but how's 'juicy' for a twist?"

Phwomp! A large, wet sack of flesh landed on the deck in front of Eagle Eye. He and Props jumped back, gasping. The large gland bled into a shallow pool, its organic core pulsating with dull crimson light.

"Play ball!" Zaid quipped.

Rainbow landed a few feet away, shaking like a feline as she tossed all the loose flecks of snow from her leather coat. "Nnnngh... Can't believe I carried that thing for over an hour. Ever wondered what it's like to share a stagecoach with a skunk that's eaten twenty whole onions?" She shivered. "Luna poop, I don't even wanna finish that analogy..."

"I can't believe you found another one!" Props squealed, practically hugging the large fleshy sack. "And it's so well-preserved, too!" She glanced over, blinking. "Did you chop it off a live one, this time?"

"Heck, no. You think I wanna become dinner before my time?" Rainbow Dash lowered her hood and shook her mane loose. "If I die that way, then I want ogres sipping my blood for an energy drink. Trust me, I've brushed paths with way too many subterannean worms, eels, and tentacled... tentacles to ever wanna end up the lunch of one."

"I do believe there is enough flame mucus inside this to make a new core for the Jury's mana-powered heat synthesizer!"

"You sure there's enough?" Rainbow Dash made a face. "The thing's pretty darn dim."

"To steal something that Ebony's been saying lately..." Props gripped the slimy gland in one hoof and strained as she dragged it towards the rear stairwell. "Nnnngh... 'I'll take what I can get.'"

"Propsy, you can have it." With a shiver, Eagle turned, faced Rainbow, and smiled. "I knew you'd come back in one piece!"

"Anypony ever tell you that your horn grows when you lie?"

"Huh?" The stallion blinked, then felt his forehead.

"Nnnngh... Celestia, that's creepy." Rainbow Dash turned towards the cockpit. "It used to work on the bookworm too."

"Hey, Rainbow, now that you're here, think you might pay a visit to the infirmary?" Zaid remarked, waving.

"What for?" Rainbow asked without looking. "Is Pilate sick?"

"Well, no..." Zaid's eyes narrowed. "But he could certainly use some company that isn't me and... well... me. I hear too much of me can lead to gallstones."

Rainbow Dash lingered above the crawlspace besides where Floydien was angrily fiddling with the intercom console. At last, she took a deep breath and said, "Pilate needs his rest. He doesn't need me disturbing him—or any other pony for that matter."

"For real?" Zaid blinked. "We've been hovering over this ocean of lameness for nearly a week. It's breaking our brain balls hard enough as it is—I fear for the zebra's pair."

"Cute. But he's been through crud and back. Just let him and Belle be at peace while nothing's trying to kill us. Same goes for Kera."

"Yeah, but Rainbow—"

"Zaid, they're my friends," Rainbow said with a glare as she started to climb down. "I think I know a bit more about them than you do."

"Uhm..." Eagle Eye darted forward. "H-how about I clean that coat for you?"

"No thanks..."

"Or at least hang it up! I... er... I-I know how much you hate the sight of leather, Rainbow. While you're back on board, might as well get comfortable—"

"I'm fine, EE." Rainbow disappeared beyond view. "Besides, I doubt Props has all she needs to warm us up with. I'll likely be going back out within an hour."

"Yeah, okay. Just don't..." Eagle tried to wave, but she was gone. "Overdo it..."

Silence.

Zaid leaned in. "You know, for being named after a rainbow, she's been a bit dull lately."

"Hrmmph..." Eagle Eye briefly frowned. With a sigh, he ultimately spun around and trotted towards the distant stairwell. "I'm starting to think that if she just put some copper lenses over her eyes, she'd be right at home where she's at lately."

"Oh, please, don't get my hopes up."

Bzzzzt! "Motherspitter!"

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