Laugh Tracks Are Not Included
Rainbow Dash lay upside down, her head dangling off the very bow of the Noble Jury. She squinted at the dim horizon while the wind kicked at her prismatic mane After several languishing minutes, she rolled her eyes, yawned, and kicked off the ship's hull. Flapping her wings, she carried herself around and about until she glided to a stop in the middle of the top deck where the golden sword waited.
Picking the hilt of the weapon up in the crook of her hoof, she swung it a bit left and right, feeling the weight of the thing. Not long after, a shuffling sound came to a stop behind her.
"Hmmmf... morning, Floydien," Rainbow muttered without looking. "Say, it's gonna be sunrise soon. Ya mind slowing the ship down a bit so that the wind won't be so noisy? Thanks."
"The only thing I can do with wind is break it," Josho's voice said.
Rainbow blinked, then glanced over her shoulder. "Oh." A bleary smile. "Hey, big fella."
"Hi yourself, ya talking surf board." Josho strolled to her side, his eyes on the sword. "You still out here talking to Your High and Sliceyness?"
"Actually, just about to," Rainbow said, stifling a yawn. She motioned towards the half-open cockpit where Floydien's cloven hooves could be seen. "Was hoping to tell the sky elk to slow us down a bit so I can hear Celestia's voice better when the dawn breaks."
"Don't we have some place to be?"
"And we'll get there better with an alicorn's illumination to light the way. Trust me."
"Yeah. Sure." Josho turned around and leaned lazily against the edge of the deck. "You think she'll tell us anymore about Chrysalis?"
"Believe it or not, but I think we know more about her than the Princess does."
"No kidding?"
"I guess? I dunno..." Rainbow shrugged and stared at her reflection in the blade. Her eyes spun around each of the six multi-colored jewels. "You know, you think you're on your own. Even with a gaggle of friends, you think that all that matters is fighting off creeps and getting out alive. And then you find out that something you've done has incidentally saved an entire race of ponies all across the world. Saved them from oppression and all that unsexy stuff."
"Do you feel like a hero?"
"I feel freaked out of my featherstalks," Rainbow Dash muttered, her eyes darting over towards him. "It's enough that I worry about you and the rest of the Jury. But to be constantly reminded that—like—the stuff I do and can do may have an impact on the rest of the world?"
"Yeah, well..." Josho shrugged. "You seem like the mare for the job."
"Sure. Maybe." Rainbow exhaled softly as she gazed at the blade. "Still, it was really wicked sweet to get this blade out of the whole mess. Almost like a trophy, only it lets me catch up with stuff back at home."
"You don't sound half as enthused as somepony might think."
"Only 'cuz, for the longest time, I wasn't." She turned and smiled limply at the horizon ahead of them. "You know, there was a time when I absolutely hated the very sight of the rising sun."
Josho squinted. "Then why did you friggin' fly towards it?"
"Because I had to be better than that which I detested," Rainbow said. She turned and gave Josho a warm grin. "Now I'm struggling to be just as good as that which I love."
With a nod, Josho quietly said, "You know, you spend your whole life searching. But if you live long enough, you find yourself questioning whether or not you deserve all the stuff you've ultimately found."
"Yeah, well, here's hoping I live long enough to at least find that out." Rainbow twirled the sword around with a sigh. "'Cuz I sure don't have time or room for a trophy case."
Bellesmith snuggled tightly against Pilate's side in the warm shadows of their bunkroom. She stirred and stretched, a contented smile on her face. Turning over, she reached a hoof out and stretched it around a foal-shaped impression in the cot... only the foal was gone.
Belle's eyes fluttered open. She lifted her head up, staring at the blank space. A length of bedsheets lay on the floor, trailing towards the compartment's cracked door.
After a long exhale, she droned: "Pilate."
"Mmmm?"
"She did it again."
"Mmmm..."
Not even half a second later, a high-pitched screech emanated from the far side of the Noble Jury. Frightened out of his stripes, Pilate jumped straight up and slammed his metal forehead against the top bunk. "Augh!"
Inside the mess hall, Eagle Eye flew out of the sofa with a start. He telekinetically tugged all around him for a sword that wasn't there. Panting, he heard the shriek once again and whirled to face the kitchen.
"Ebon?!"
"How in all that is roasted and garlicky could this have happened?!"
"Ebon!" Eagle Eye hyperventilated and broke into a gallop. The panicked figures of Belle and Pilate weren't far behind. "Hold on! I'm coming!"
Eagle Eye burst into the kitchen, breathless. There, he and Belle and Pilate saw the cook sitting on his haunches, pulling at his mane in utter shock and horror.
"It... but... that... wh-why...?!" Ebon sputtered.
Several pantry doors were hanging wide open. Dozens of pots and pans and containers lay on the floor amidst a liberal scattering of spilt foodstuffs. Sitting atop an overturned pot inside a halo of crumbs, Kera balanced a bowl of lettuce in her lap and munched, munched, munched away. Upon the culmination of Ebon's ramblings, she stared up with bored eyes.
"Hrmmmfff?" She gulped. "What? I was hungry."
"But... but..." Ebon whimpered, lips quivering. "I was saving that! Rationing it! For all of us!"
Kera gulped again. "Well, that's kind of selfish, don't you think?"
"Kera...?!" Belle squeaked.
"Hey Belle. Hey Pilate." Kera smirked and held up a hoof-full of greens. "Want a helping? It's not grasshoppers, but I'm sure your squishy belly can deal. Meh."
"Kera, what's gotten into you?" Belle remarked, flabbergasted.
"Half of our rations in one sitting, that's what!" Ebon stomped his hooves, frowning. "What I want to know is how! You're just one filly! What could possess you to raid our own storage like this?!"
"Nnnnng-mmmmmmff!" Zaid slid out from behind an open closet, scarfing down a carrot stalk. He gulped and waved a clump of half-eaten vegetables in front of the filly's face. "Hey, kiddo, you've got to try this crud out. It can make your eyes see for miiiiiiles."
"Grrrrrrrrrrrr—Zaaaaaaaaaaid?!" Ebon's teeth grind so hard they could produce sparks.
"Hey there, Sailbuttboat!" Zaid grinned. "Nice stalks. I didn't know you had so many of them! Well... urp... until an hour ago, at least. Seriously, did it ever occur to you to bake a cake?"
"What's the meaning of all this?!" Ebon shouted.
Eagle tried sneaking up. "Ebon, calm down—"
"I'll calm down once he's tossed into the ocean along with a ball and chain!" The cook pointed and hollered.
"Hey, relax!" Zaid shrugged. "So the little tyke comes to me, saying she's got a case of the munchies. And I was like 'Shoot, that's funny, I've had the same case for thirty-five consecutive days, only no munchies!' So that's when we figured, 'Hey, let's tackle our munchies together, and then the rest of the crew will be safe!'" He belched, then grinned crookedly. "That makes sense in some parallel universe, right?"
"We have vanquished the munchies," Kera said in a dramatic voice.
"Belle..." Pilate tugged at the mare's front right forelimb. "If you don't mind..."
"My pleasure." She stuck her hoof out so that the zebra could rest his face against it.
"Ebon..." Eagle patted the enraged stallion's back and whispered into his ear. "The first killing is always the hardest. Are you sure you wanna trot down this road...?"
"Wuh oh..." Kera said, wide-eyed, from behind a head of lettuce.
Sweating, Zaid gave a nervous smile before dangling a limp bag of loose breadcrumbs. "Uhm... some croutons...?"
"Blaarghalblarghalblarghal!" Ebon charged homicidally.
"Whoops-a-poopsy!" Zaid scampered to his hooves, scooped Kera up, and bolted out into the stairwell. "Time to make like leaves and burn!"
"Get back here, you pee-haired cult-sucker!" Ebon bellowed in a hysterical pitch.
"Ebon! Don't! Ebon!" Eagle galloped after him.
Belle and Pilate were left alone in the littered kitchen.
"Is it safe to look?" Pilate tilted his head up. "Even for a blind pony."
"I don't know..."
"And should we be worried for Kera?" Pilate fidgeted. "Or happy for her?"
"I... don't know." Belle gulped. "Perhaps both."
"I'm gonna strangle you with your own manure-eating grin!" Ebon's voice shouted from the stairwell.
"Whoah, doggy." Josho spun about with wide eyes. "No way in Ledo's uvula did the cook's balls drop overnight."
"Buh?" Rainbow Dash craned her neck to see.
Zaid galloped at full-speed onto the deck with Kera strapped to his back: "Weeeeeeee!"
"I mean it!" Ebon snarled, nearly foaming out the mouth as he chased the gangly stallion around and around the skystone support masts. "I'll bury you so deep at sea that even whale crap won't reach you!"
"H-heyyy!" Josho grined, cracking his neck joints. "I want in on this!"
"No, you don't, old stallion!" Eagle huffed, then tried in vain to throw his petite weight in between the bodies of the fray. "Everypony, please! Murdering each other is very unfriendly! At least last time I checked!"
"Eagle, I adore you, but the next time you hug me it'll be through the trenchcoat I've made of his flesh!"
"Pfft. A trenchcoat?" Zaid stuck his head out from around a mast, grinning. "Be economic, dude. Make a hoodie." THWACK! An angry burgundy hoof slammed into the wood, forcing Zaid to peak out the other side. "Fine. A scarf?" THWACK! Zaid backtrotted, sweating, from the middle of the deck. "You know what? Screw it. Hipsters stopped getting into taxedermy as soon as it became popular."
"Grrrrrr!" Ebon launched himself at Zaid, only to be held back by Eagle Eye. This didn't stop Ebon's hooves from reaching Zaid's neck, and soon all three stallions were being jostled and tugged around.
"Hey!" Kera giggled, pointing at Ebon's face. "I didn't think it was possible to be that red!"
"Yeah..." Josho chuckled. "It's like a raddish giving birth to beets that like to pleasure themselves in vats of ketchup!"
"Josho!" Rainbow gasped. "Ebon!" She gasped again. Flapping her wings with a snarling expression, she hung over the wrestling crowd. "Dudes! For real! Quit it before I wreck it!"
"Don't look at me, Ralphbow Dash!" Zaid wished. "He's the one with the Jockey Dahmer complex!"
"You cost us our entire remaining stockpile of food!"
"Dude, I offered you croutons!"
"This is seriously getting out of hoof, Ebon—"
"Zaid, knock it off!"
"He's the one with the knocking and the offing!"
"Please, just—"
"Everypony—"
"If we could only—"
"Hey..." Kera squinted eastward, shadowing a hoof over her eyes. "Why's the sun so tiny?"
"Kera, what are you even talking about?" Rainbow Dash turned to look. Her eyes blinked wide.
The struggling stallions froze in place. Zaid, Ebon, and Eagle blinked like some three-headed beast.
Josho stepped out onto the ship's edge, staring out onto the horizon. High above the water, a tiny light pulsed... pulsed... and pulsed again. It stood out as a pinprick of illumination against a flat, dim horizon.
"That... that's not the sun," Rainbow Dash murmured. She glanced down at the dull, glossy sword, then back at the horizon. "It's not up for at least a half-hour."
"That's because some boomer is giving us the glow glow." The cockpit door opened the rest of the way. Floydien poked his head out from the pilot's chamber. "Nancy Jane has been seen."
"You mean...?" Ebon murmured.
"A lighthouse," Eagle Eye said, his expert gaze locked east.
Rainbow Dash hovered a bit higher. As she did so, she heard the distant roar of crashing waves.
"Land," she breathed.
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And just in time, apparently. Also, that was beautiful.
Which music should be playing here: Benny Hill, Keystone Cops, or Three Stooges?
Thirty pushups, ):(. Knock 'em out!
Well that happened.
4593105 well, that number is only 5 out out of my 20+ pages of favorites......
i went and manually added......
Well Kera seems to be doing better.
Yay land finally.
well, that's a nice relaxing cooldown fromm the previous drama.....
So the crisis of not having food is averted.
-Spirit
Well, welcome to Alafreo, I presume.
They'd better be careful leaving Kera around Zaid too much, or they'll find her sitting amidst a dusting of brownie crumbs laughing at a wall, or something.
*whew* That was a much-needed laugh.
THose two are such trouble together.
Yay! Land!
4594898
I vote Keystone Cops.
"Grrrrrr!" Ebon launched himself at Zaid, only to be held back by Eagle Eye. This didn't stop Ebon's hooves from reaching Zaid's neck, and soon all three stallions were being jostled and tugged around.
HAWT.
4594898
"Why I outta-"
At this rate, Zaid is going to be getting mellow on hash browns, wearing his wizzzard hat and robe. Creamy, creamy potatoes.
And, Belle and Pilate have a New Entry. This week, married couple cross double facehoof.
Oh, the sight of land, and a lighthouse.
Dont forget, on a surface, the first Two are ranging. When dealing with a Volume, you need Three.
lighthouses use Fresnel lenses because they are easier to make and set up for the given optical properties than an equivalnet set of mirrors? Or you could have a light source in the basement of the tower, and use the tower as a focusing, control method, then a sectored rotating flat reflector at the top with fixed heavy protective lenses, shutters? hmm, really must stop reading up on that cross between the Verne Cannon, the Clarke Cannon, and the Niven Cannon.
This shit made me laugh.
Like, real out loud laughter.
That hasn't happened with a fanfic in like, forever, it's always just "This is hilarious, but my face is completely straight for some reason!" or maybe a smile if I'm lucky.
But I actually laughed.
Good job.
Lol.
This. Oh my this. If anyone doubts the awesomeness of this story, show them this quote right here. It makes that one million plus words worth it.
...please tell me I'm not the only one who mis-read this at first. Especially coming from Ebon.
And finally, lighthouse! People who aren't going to try and kill them! When was the last time that happened, Emeraldine?
4594898
I prefer the music being played during Twilight and Fluttershy chased Philomena around Ponyville
Oh Kera...
still no grilled cheese
I can see why Zaid did that, he's always been doing things for Kera and he probably thought she should have some fun to take her mind off things.
I am wondering why Floydien says that they've been seen, if it's a lighthouse.
Yay, no starving required!
4596124 Nein
Go re read the whole series twice
and read diary of a mad man thrice
and then we'll talk :3
Alas, no purple waves
Time for Land! Ah Zaid you are yet again in hilarious trouble
Eagle Eye is best pony.
Kera the Munchie Vanquisher, the sequel to Kera the Windigo Eater, is coming soon to a Jury near you!
This is a good word.
On a more serious note, it's nice to see we're finally reaching the end of the Frozen Sea.
What the fu-
Is it April 1st again already?
But why!?
OH SHIT something happened to the sun, Celestia must have been—
Oh, okay. It's just SOME HORRIBLE NEW RACE TARGETING THEM WITH A SPOTLIGHT!
Oh, okay, it's a lighthouse.
Heh, Zaid and Kera, on a pantry raid. He's good for her, every kid needs a crazy uncle.
I'm surprised Josho didn't join in on the murdering. Maybe next chapter.
Zaid reminds me of Eddy from the darktower....before he became badass.
It's always great to get a reminder that Zaid is still a ridiculous trouble maker. Kera's his cute partner in crime.
If you ask me, that's some serious and great insight,
Also, I'm starting to wonder if Rainbow actually will make it to the dark side. Not because I think she'll die (though that is a possibility), but rather because she simply cant. Maybe her chaos side will kill her for getting so close, but I can only imagine that she cant make it on the dark side without help. Her chaos side will likely be immensely stronger and there are less things likely to be helpful and friendly. (or at least, i'd assume not) So now im wondering, will she actually leave her friends on this side? Colon has been implying as much but I cant help but wonder...maybe he'll pull a twist and they follow her along or convince her to not go after all.
So many possibilities....and yet I don't think they've made it to the dark side yet even at the current story.
Yay for shenanigans! Especially ones that thoroughly tick at least one character off.
I know that feeling all too well. When you feel like you have fallen so far that your only goal is to be better than the things you hate. How that can be all that you get up for in the morning, Because giving up would make you worse than whatever has beaten you down. But then something happens, you find something... or SOMEONE, worth living for, and Suddenly it's not about Surviving, It's about proving you are good enough for the amazing things in your life. and it can bring about some amazing changes in who you are.
Once again IC combines heartwarming, tearjerking, and funny into a single perfect moment
. In other news, it turns out that changelings can in fact generate feelings of anger without having to take them from other ponies
Meanwhile in the lighthouse "why are they strangling each other?"
I forgot how good Zaid was for Kera. I'd reckon that the few good moments in her haze of hell were the times spent with him.
Oh Zaid.
I LOL'd.
4912034
I didn't notice this comment my first time through but you are so totally absolutely right :)
I have the feeling that something like 60% of Josho's dialogue is fart jokes.
Also, this chapter provided some much-needed comic relief.
This whole chapter was just great
OMG lol, comment quotes right there!
XD...I died.
The scream was Ebon. The mess was for food.
Her old self. That's what.
Before all the mindfuckery
Zaid and Kera, you ding dongs, you ate all the food!
But either way LAAAAAND HOOOOO!
I love this I love this I love this.