Oww man

by DemonOJM

Dragon Asswhooping

Author's Note:

Okay I still don't have an editor so there are mistakes, you can point them out and have fun.
ps If someone interested to help me anyway proofreader, editor or even a prereader please send me a message.

I was laying in the forest with a totally smashed ribcage and my right arm bend in a not natural way. Damn summon of Majora’s Mask I just wanted to help you, the children didn’t fear you at that fucking moment. As I slowly healed myself I saw something wonderful!
What this is just a field of flowers and they don’t even look so beautiful?
Yeah what is so special about them? Can you smoke them!
No but with this blue flowers I can make some awesome smoke bombs, they got some funny effects on these Ponies.

So were now cotton picker or what?
Wow there! We won’t be seen as a racist so turn a bit down.
What that is just a job description it is only racist if you think that is racist so does it make you a racist?
My head hurts.
Okay less talking more harvesting, do we have in our weapon inventory a scythe because it would go much faster.
No but we got two adamantium katana and some sick dance move this should be done in a few seconds.
“Ah whatever let’s get on with.” said out loud as I drew my swords and jump in the air. I landed on my head and started to spin right round like a record baby. After a while I thought that I’ll barf till I die oh wait I can’t die, as the spinning of my head and puking I saw that I got half of the field.
Yay good work guys so lets grab that shit and be gone.
There is something in the sky, it's a bird.
No it is a plane!
No it is the fucking Dragon migration and fuck the timeline from the fucking episodes. Well who want to kick some scaly asses?
We do!
Hey ho let’s go, oh one thing lets just watch from the background.
We try to be silent as possible.
That is the best I’ll get from you so let us collect fast these flowers.

In Ponyville a little Dragon started his journey to find some information about his kind. And a group of three mares in a silly dragon costume follow him to make sure he is safe.

These dragons are sissy comparison to Fin Fang Foom.
Well we’re in a cartoon that target little girls so I doubt that the dragon look so fearsome.
I’ll let the voices discuss in my head as I Jumped from tree to tree after the dragon migration.
Why exactly following we them?
I really want a dragon scale armor, and how could I get it I know that there is a perfect opportunity ah there!
From the tree I spotted Spike and in the not so far distance that what I want a dragon scale costume which could be changed. I make the mares an offer they can’t deny, a evil broad grin cross over my face. I waited for them to come near enough for a ‘Suprise butsecks’ eww no oh, now there were direct under me. Jumped on the phony dragon ‘Or do you mean Pony dragon’ and startled the Ponies.

“Hey ladies nice to meet you here, why are you following the little guy?” I try to sound innocent as possible. Half of the Elements came out of the costume and glared at him like he had an evil master plan ‘What we do’. Gay pride flew direct into my face and starts talking stupid things about awesome,mission and kick flank eh. Marshmallow with purple icing ‘Hmmm now I’m hungry’ began to snickering after she got that I wasn’t listening because of the irony that most of the time Fruit Loop’s the one who don’t listen.

“Girls I know what you are doing and I got a proposal for you? I watch over hatchling and you marshmallow makes me a nice armor out of dragon scales with MY color scheme,deal?”

Why can’t Twilight be white that would be perfect opportunity to sing “White and nerdy”, oh I think she wants to talk to us.

“Why should we believe you? You’re a villain!” I rolled my eyes at that, to bad they can’t see it under my mask.

“Okay for one of the few times I’ll be logic and open your mind. So first if you think I just take the scales without doing the job you’re wrong, because I could steal it now and be gone in a second. Speaking of second I can take on a full grown dragon and I don’t see the yellow one so no one of you could take down a dragon. And before you answer leprechaun magnet no you can’t and should I go on or do you all want that we lose sight of the little guy?” well what can you say at that they seem to be all stunned ‘Checkmate? I don’t play checkers.’
Rarity seems to recover the fastest and look into my eyes.
“I do it! Just ensure the safety of my little Spikey-Wikey.” wow that is wow never expected that it would be so easy.

“Okay you all go home and make my armor while I save the dragon in distress, wait that doesn’t sound right?” with one push on my teleportation device I was gone before their change their mind. And was on the edge of the mountain/volcano, pulled out of the bpd a Barrett M82A3 with not deadly munition ‘Not deadly for a dragon’ and watched.
They started to play king of the hoard, well let’s BOOM Headshot some dragons try to tackle Spike.
You are a damn camper noob!
Did you look around here are so many full grown dragon I don’t want to regenerate from a pile of ash … again. Now they celebrate the little guy and fly with him ‘Wait a second, why do we need the marshmallow to make us armor when there is a red scald dragon nearly our size? there is a greater plan so lets follow them.

In the woods was my time to confront them, okay red one, fat one and surfer dude. First do we got anti-personnel mine ‘Yeah we do why?’ because I’m gonna punch the shit out of fat one. I took one mine and duct tape it on my right fist.

The teen-dragon told Spike to distract the adult phoenix now is my time, I jumped in front of the dragons and startled them. I swung my right fist at the brown fatty with all my might and screamed.

“FAALLCON PUUUUUNNNNNNCCCHH!”
As my fist connects with his stomach the mine explode and blast them away and browny was k.o. one down two to go. Little Spike was between my legs so he was safe from the explosion, why does that sound so wrong and where came the ba dum tss?

I drew my sword with my only hand and pointed at them. They slowly raised themself from the ground and gawked at me. The red leader start to laugh at me ‘Eh not the first time’ and point with his left claw at me.
“Ha ha ah what are you? One thing for sure you’re stupid, fight a dragon with a sheep sword.”

I looked around fast and back to him and start saying:”WHERE is a Dragon all I see are are some stupid mutated lizards! And this “sword” can cut through anything hhmm maybe I need some new boots?”
He stared at me snarling with some smoke comes out off his nostril and makes his way towards me.

“What you’re gonna do? You lost one claw to knock out one of us and that toothpick can do nothing! You’re more namby-pamby than the Pony Princess!” after his little speech he does into a stupid laughter. Namby-pamby? Namby-pamby!
“Buhahhhahahahahahcacahhahahhah! Namby-pamby really oh my god.” I was rolling on the ground while laughing my guts out. I stood up looked at my stump where my forearm was now back to the stunned Dragon.
“This (I raised my stump) is a scratch! But you have proven that you’re not a Dragon only a hatchling would use such childish words. And do you have the guts to tell her that face to face?”
He looked back at the surfer dude back to me: ”Sure I would tell her that face to face.”

A grin and a plan formed, I put my stump which was healing on his shoulder my other hand put my katana back in his sheath. After that I grabbed Spike between my legs and yanked him up and placed him under my armpit ’Ouch!’.
“Okay! Up up and away!” I pushed my button and teleported all of us to Celestias courtroom

Courtroom third person POV

In the courtroom were debating about tax raise for "maintenance" of the streets of Canterlot. Princess Celestia was listening but her mind was occupied with Deadpool and what he had done to her sister and what is next planned by his sick mind.
There was a puff sound which Celestia was familiar and in the middle of room stand Deadpool with two Dragons one very dear to her heart. The noble run in fear and the guards surround him.

“Deadpool what are you doing here with two Dragons?” her tone was already annoyed and eyed them all.
“Well excuse me! First the big one is a mutated lizard and second for defending your honor against his rude attitude. So what did you call her again and you said you got the guts to tell her face to face?”
Garble was in a bind he told, he would do it but her horn was so sharp! Celestia gave them a serious look (more like don't fuck with me look).
"He called you a namby-pamby and even I couldn’t believe it! So he can joke about you but get in trouble that isn’t fair and I got a witness to testify that it is true.” Deadpool shoved Spike nearly in her face the little Dragon was completely blank so many things happened so fast.

“Spike is this true?” Celestia asks Spike still a bit stunned just nodded. She looks at the now sweating Garble and back to Deadpool and a mischievous formed on her lips. Dead pool toss Spike to the side and pointed at the Princess of the sun.
“I don’t like the way you look at me ‘her horn starts to glow’! No no no NO NO NO NO bad Celestia nooooo!” She fired a golden magic blast at Deadpool who jumps with his legs V form up. The blast only Deadpool buttocks and he screamed like a real man not like a girl no. Garble saw the sheer force of that blast the wall behind Deadpool was GONE! She was definitely not namby-pamby.

“Ow! The last time my ass burned so much was after some good mexican food, well the mexican food burned harder but whatever. I wanted to help you but all I get is that well goodbye geflügelter weißer Narwal*!” Deadpool grabbed both of them with his new healed hand and teleported back where they were. The purple blond Keanu Reeves Dragon was stunned as all of the reappeared in front him. Garble stumbled back land on his rear and was heavy breathing. Deadpool draw his katana again and scratched Garble’s right cheek so that blood flows down.
“Never underestimate someone who don’t look tough he or she could end you now leave with your friends before I turn you all to accessories.” Deadpools voice was cold and threatening and Garble just flow away.

Deadpool POV

I saw that he flew with his tail between his legs hilarious I turned to Spike who was in fetus position hugged his tail and rocking back and forth. Oww man now I feel bad ‘Hehehe he said it!’ let us get the little guy back home. I teleported to Ponyville library where a nervous Twilight was and for the first time over one thousand fifty years I saw someone happy to see me! She quickly grabbed Spike with her telekinesis ‘Oh good now he is immune to ground type attacks for three rounds.’ and gave him a bonecrushing hug. Rarity slowly trots towards me “Well you brought back our dear Spike but your attire isn’t done yet. It should be done by the end of this week just come to my shop.”
“Okay ladies tata.” I waved at them and teleported back to the castle ruins and I think this night I’ll sleep well!

---

*winged white narwhal

Comments

[ShadowCelebi]

YOU THERE! DISLIKE THIS COMMENT!
First.

[DemonOJM]

4618100 No and next Chapter I don't give you the chance to be first

[bocaj518]

That grammar.... this was incredibly painful to read.

[DemonOJM]

4618229 Yeah I wish I could deliver something better, but I got no one who could help me. I really appreciate your criticism.

[ShadowCelebi]

4618109 you do realize when the writer comments first on a story THAT THEY WROTE it doesn't count right?

[SeventhBrony]

4618275 I'd help but considering the damage that I'd probably do, it's probably better that I keep FAR, FAR away from edit or prereading situations!
Still the story idea and chapter directions are not bad all in all

[DemonOJM]

4618379 Who said that I'll write the first comment

[DemonOJM]

4618381 That is my mayor problem I got an good idea but the execution is bad.

[ShadowCelebi]

4618379 your evil brain did. Duh.

[kotor511]

4618423 If you want, you can send me the docs of your chapters for corrections, and I send them back to you.
I can actually speak German as well.