• Published 25th Feb 2014
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A Raccoon in a Pony World - Bookish_Devil



What do you do when you whined up in Equestria transformed into one of the greatest thieves of all video game history?

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Sly Cooper in: Manic Mares

The gate on the wing was easy enough to circumvent. I could fit my hand through the bars and turn the knob on the other side. The ponies never seem to understand simple things like practical doors and locks. Wouldn’t be the first time I got into what they consider high security areas with what amounted to a smile and a handshake.

I keep my ears open and just stroll through the stacks. I just watch waiting for something to jump out at me. The wing was enormous two floors all most 20,000 square feet of what appeared to be original manuscripts, journals, and rough diagrams of various magical subjects. To me the question was not what was valuable but what would be missed quickly and carried easily.
Ten minutes in and my top choices so far were an orrery made out of gemstones and precious metals, a silver astrolabe with to my dearest Luna etched on to the case, and Star Swirl’s hat. I keep looking with the for something to take but with exception of the hat it’s not like any of these items are irreplaceable. I was about to give up and just take the hat when I saw another locked door. Unlike the one to get in here, this one actually locked functional.

Two locks on this door but something was telling me that was wrong. I pulled out a magnifying glass and my lock picking kit from my leg bag. Looking over the lock I start to notice what was irking me about the door. One of the locks had considerably more ware on it than the other. It’s an old trick a would be thief would try to turn both locks and end up either re-locking the door or tripping an alarm.

“Okay remember the first rule of burglary. Hurry up and slow down. You have all the time in the world to do what you need.” After reciting my little mantra my nerves relax and I know what to do.

I reach into my kit and pull out a tool most people wouldn’t understand. It looks like an over large credit card with a square notch cut near one end. I slide the tool into the jam above the locks and slowly bring it down towards where the bolts should be.

When the card stops, I know which lock to pick. Just to be safe I run the test in reverse and stop at the same bolt. Now for the triple check. Celestia was clever with the wear on the lock faces being reversed; but let’s see if she was downright devious. Holding the card tight on the bolt I pull a torsion wrench out of my kit, the ponies have old school style locks I haven’t had to use a rake sense my arrival. All of the locks in Equestria either used magic or were simple warded locks. “Let’s see if they discovered the lever or the chub lock, sense I was sealed.” Using the wrench, I felt the internal workings of the lock.

“Still warded. To easy.” I pulled a little metal bar shaped like an L from my kit and not even a minute later, I felt the bolt slide out and hit the card. “Full reversal. You’re learning Celestia.” The top lock operated the bottom bolt and vice versa. I took a minute to reset the lock I picked and just as easily opened the other lock. My hand slides up the jam and I know I did it.

Opening the door slowly I check for tells. I was disappointed to find none. No stripe of paper being held up by the door. No trip wire to detach. “Still too trusting.” Crossing the threshold, I find a small privet study. I was about to leave when I notice the air still smells like horse. Someone had been in here for a long time recently. Looking over the paper work on the desk, I find several journal entries and a few notes between the princesses.

Looking the notes over I find the all reference a plan Celestia had, and Luna was urging caution. This intrigued me, this was something I could use to announce my return. Half of the notes mentioned three things repeatedly Star Swirl’s last journal, a name Twilight Sparkle a student of Celestia’s, and the elements of harmony.

There it was again that name. They had to be something of considerable power to stop Discord. I had literally seen him turn lead to gold and then to cheese. That kind of power cannot be faked. Looking around the little workroom, I find more notes and some excerpts from the book. Using the computer in my mask note these words and use a recognition program to flip through the books in the room.

Four books in I find it in the upper left hand corner of the desk on an old book-stand. It was a hand bound volume with a near black cover bearing an almost childish drawing of a galaxy with a few constellations on it. “Wait Star Swirl the bearded. I doubt any parent is cruel enough to name their child with the moniker the ‘bearded’ so.” Looking back at the cover swirling stars. “He just drew his name out in pictogram.” Using the glass, I look for any key phrases from the notes in the book. By the end of the book, every phrase had been matched.

“You are coming with me.” I say to the book and proceed to place it in my backpack. In its place, I leave my calling card a two-toned blue raccoon head.

I close the door but don’t bother resetting the lock. Turning around I begin trekking my way back to the entrance. I am almost there when I hear a voice

“Huh. How'd I miss that? Look at all those priceless magic scrolls. There are more than I ever imagined!” It sounds like a frantic teenaged girl.

“Twilight, the guard!” Hyper slightly manic but still another girl.

The first voice is speaking again. “ *gasp* What do we do, what do we do?”

Now a male voice joins them. “Hey, Twilight, haven't seen you in a while. Let me open that for yah.

I hear the gate swing open and I bolt up a bookcase, and hide in the shadowy corner against the wall.

The first voice is back this Twilight Sparkle chuckling nervously. “Thanks!”

From my vantage point, I watch them scouring the collection looking for some type of time spell.

I was just there waiting for them to leave the sun was up I had been here for hours watching and listening to them. After the sun came up the purple one… Twilight read a scroll and then seemed to teleport away for a moment. Only to come back looking frazzled. I wasn’t really paying attention but caught the summery of what happened.

Let me give you the cliff notes. She was too caught up to let herself speak when she traveled back in time. Therefore, instead of enjoying a mildly eventful week, she spent it in a lather convinced the world was going to end. ‘Time travel never an option it can cause more problems than it solves.’

I was getting impatient and was thinking about just slipping past them when who should show up but Celestia or as all the prisoners called her old sun butt. She chatted with Twilight for a moment exchanging mindless pleasantries. When a guard burst in panting. He slammed out a quick salute.

Celestia looked at the guard and seemed to pail under her white coat. “Report.” She all most barked.

This seemed to shock the three I followed in. ‘Probably have never seen her mad.’

The guard stood a little straighter sipping into the pony equivalent of parade rest. “Princess the most recent patrol through the statue garden is reporting a missing statue.”

Celestia seemed even more shaken from this news.

The guard swallowed nervously. “The problem your highness, is that we all know which statue is gone but not the circumstance behind the statue. We don’t have any records indicating that it was anything more than art.”

I could practically read Celestia’s mind only the oldest statues would not have records.

She finally asked the question I was waiting for. “Which one was it?”

The guard answered. “The one that looked like one of the raccoon folk from the southern swap lands.”

Raccoon folk that was news. Here I thought I was the only bipedal talking raccoon in this world. Then again, it shouldn’t have surprised my considering all the different races in the garden not counting the statues.

The purple one spoke this time. “Is there any danger should we get the elements of harmony?”

Celestia turned to Twilight and said. “No, or at least not yet.” She turned to the guard. “Send an alert to all of city guards across the nation. Have them increase patrols on all museums, art galleries, and banks in every city, town, and village. Dismissed.”

The guard snapped a salute and took off at a brisk trot leaving the room.

“Princess?” The little dragon I now see. When she turned to him, he asked. “Why guard those places? Why not search for him?”

Ah, common sense this little guy was going places.

To my surprise, she gave him a warm smile. Before answering his question. “Spike, the reason for choosing this course of action is simple. Let me ask a question of all of you. If you wanted to catch Pinkie Pie here what would you do?”

The three of them think it for a minute before they started to give their answers.

Spike answered. “Put a giant cake in the middle of a trap.”

Twilight. “Post flyers for a giant party and have the guards attend out of uniform. ”

Pinkie. “Oh I know. Convince the writer to use the power of dramatic convenience to force me to appear were you wanted.”

I think all four of us just stared at her for a moment after that. Celestia recovered and cleared her throat.

“Yes good ideas. Know consider our opponent is arguably the greatest thief Equestria has ever faced.”

Twilight smiled getting the idea. “Your waiting for him to try and steal something.”

Celestia beamed at Twilight and I nearly retched. The pervert pony princess ruling over her subjects in what appeared to be the equivalent of a fifth grader trying to teach kindergarten. ‘How did they beat Discord? How has no one taken over this place? I should have dressed as Tennessee Kid Cooper with the gun canes I could have concurred this world.’

I watched them all file out of the wing before I moved from my hiding place. Stretching I weighed my options on getting out of here without being seen. When it hits me why leave? ‘I know their magic cannot detect me. Celestia would never think to search her own castle for me.’

With that settled I climbed back into the rafters to wait for nightfall.