• Published 24th Mar 2012
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The Conversion Bureau: Anomaly - Chaotic Dreams



Some things are better left...unexplained.

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Chapter 5

Chapter 5

“What—what the—” the Bureau manager stammered, shaking and looking very near to wetting himself.

“It’s DISCORD!” Stout Heart cried out in fear.

“This is going to happen EVERYWHERE we go, isn’t it?” the draconequus sighed. “You know, I WOULD change into something a little-less conspicuous, but I’m still getting the hang of these powers.”

“P-Princess!” Stout Heart gasped, turning to Lauren. “Please, stop him! Save us!”

Lauren was about to say something to attempt to calm the young stallion down, but Twilight slid in front of her and announced “First of all, she’s not a Princess. Her name, as far as we know, is Lauren Faust, and she claims she’s a ponified human. This draconequus here isn’t Discord either, also as far as we know. And, even if they were who they appear to be, we, the bearers of the Elements of Harmony and representatives of Princess Celestia, would put a stop to any malicious mischief on their part.”

“‘As far as we know?’” Lauren echoed. “What do you—”

“Y-you’re Twilight Sparkle!” Stout Heart gasped. And, seeing the gem-studded tiara on her brow, as well as the golden bejeweled necklaces on the other instantly recognizable ponies trotting through the portal, Stout Heart breathed “Are those…”

“Yes,” Twilight smiled proudly. “These are the Elements of Harmony themselves. Don’t worry, nothing shall happen to you on our watch.”

“Representative of Princess Celestia, you say?” Inquired the Bureau manager, still eyeing Craig with a look usually reserved for small bleeding fish facing hungry sharks. “To what may the humble Townsville Conversion Bureau attribute the honor of your calling?”

“We’re here investigating a robbery,” Lauren answered.

The Bureau manager sighed.

“We were hoping to keep that one under the radar,” he said. “Of course, we had to file the reports to the Receiving Station, but apart from the human authorities looking into the matter nopony else was supposed to know. It’d be bad for publicity after the big incident happened on top of everything, you know? But it’s just a small series of robberies, really. Nopony was harmed.”

“Small series of robberies?” Lauren echoed. “According to the Receiving Station, several millions of gallons of ponification potion were stolen from this Bureau, more than any other Bureau the PER struck!”

“Yes, but that was over a month ago,” the Bureau manager explained. “The smaller robberies started long before that, and they’ve been going on ever since. I assume it’s the larger robbery you’re interested in, based on your surprise—but the police closed that case when the PER dumped the potion in some nightclub across the country.”

“Which is precisely why we’re here,” Lauren stated. “Craig—the draconequus—and I were humans at that club, and we woke up like this. As you can see, no standard ponification potion could do this. I should know; before I was an alicorn, I was a college student majoring in pony studies. The potion that did this to us had to have come from this Bureau. We already sent investigators to the other Bureaus who were hit, and their potions were all standard-grade, leaving this Bureau the only suspect left. We insisted on investigating this Bureau personally, hoping we could get some answers.”

“I’m sorry to say, your highness, that you won’t find any answers here either,” the Bureau manager answered uncomfortably. To be perfectly honest, he didn’t believe a word of what the alicorn was saying—this was probably some sort of royal test or something, though he couldn’t think why they’d give it to him (maybe, just maybe, he was being considered for promotion?)—but it was best not to argue with royalty. “We have nothing but standard-grade ponification potion here as well.”

“Just call me Lauren, please,” Laure instructed with a mild hint of annoyance, as if this was not the first time she’d had to fight off being pegged as royalty. “Twilight here is right—I’m not a Princess. In fact, I’m hoping I won’t be a pony for that much longer, either. Craig and I hope that with our new magical abilities—well, his magical abilities, anyway, as I haven’t figured out how to use mine yet—and a sample of the anomaly potion that we can turn ourselves back into humans.”

“Anomaly potion?” Stout Heart inquired, trying to wrap his mind around what the not-Princess was saying. “So you really were humans? That sounds an awful like what happened to our new gryphon here!”

Stout Heart gestured a hoof at the new gryphon, whose eyes widened as he cursed under his breath. Gell instantly revoked his thought about Stout Heart being able to make it out of this Bureau. Gell also revoked his thought that Stout Heart would survive long enough to regret it, and he might have to see to it personally that the pony didn’t. The new gryphon was supposed to be keeping as low a profile as possible—until the right moment, that is—and keeping a low profile definitely did NOT mean being noticed by the six most famous ponies in Equestria, a Princess (whatever she said, alicorns were ALWAYS Princesses as far as Gell knew) and a being Gell recognized as Equestria’s most hated adversary.

“New what?” Twilight asked, turning to the new gryphon as if noticing him for the first time. The other ponies followed suite, as did the draconequus. Gell instinctively tried to back up and make himself smaller, but somehow he’d managed to get himself into a corner. “What’s a gryphon doing here?”

“He used to be a—” Stout Heart started to say before Gell rushed over and clapped a claw to the pony’s mouth, giving it a squeeze as he did so to ensure that the claws left an impression.

“No, I’ve ALWAYS been a gryphon, haven’t I, pony?” Gell hissed, glancing at the newcomers nervously. “Just visiting Earth from the Gryphon Kingdoms, seeing if we can get in on the Conversion Bureau action and all.”

“Is this true?” Lauren questioned suspiciously, turning to the Bureau manager. “I’ve never read about gryphons coming to Earth for any reason.”

Gell shot a deadly glance at the older stallion, who looked between the gryphon and the alicorn uneasily. Finally deciding that the alicorn and her herd of the most powerful beings and artifacts in Equestria was more of a threat, the manager answered “Stout Heart’s right. This is actually the second time we’ve heard of any ‘anomalies.’ Earlier today we ponified a special case, sent straight from the top, and got a new gryphon instead of a new pony.”

Gell let out another muted curse. If things got any worse, he was dead meat for sure.

“Really?” Lauren looked back to Gell with newfound interest. “Then you’d better come with us.”

“Sorry, your ‘highness,’” Gell replied dryly. “But I’ve got plans in Equestria. Private plans. Important private plans.”

Lauren looked uncertain for a moment, started to speak, and then stopped, looking to Craig for help. Craig simply nodded. Turning back to Gell, Lauren announced “I’m sorry to have to do this, but we need to get to the bottom of these anomalies. Under the authority of Princess Celestia, I hereby place you under custody.”

“Place me under—but I haven’t done anything!” Gell protested. “And besides, what makes you think I’d come quietly?”

“You won’t have a choice,” Twilight grinned mischievously. Gell suddenly felt a tingling sensation, as if a wave of cold air was washing over him. The new gryphon shivered. “Princess Celestia gave us the power of her authority, which is magical law. You are now bound to this herd until we see fit to release you.”

“Oh really?” the gryphon mused. “What’s to stop me from bolting the second we get back to Equestria?”

“That band on your tail,” Twilight continued grinning.
Gell turned his head and lifted up his tail to see a black band having appeared around it. Gasping in surprise, Gell went after the thing with his claws, trying to rip or pry it off, but the band wouldn’t budge.

“What is this thing?!” Gell demanded.

“It’s a tracker,” Twilight explained. “We can use it to follow you anywhere, so unless you want to be hunted down by a platoon of armed Royal Guards and thrown into the Canterlot dungeon, I suggest you stick with us.”

Gell cursed again, not being discreet about it at all this time.

“It seems like he’s quickly getting the hang of being a gryphon,” giggled a sky-blue pegasus with a rainbow mane and tail hovering over the other ponies. “You remind me a lot of an old pal of mine.”

“Who are you, anyway?” Craig asked, floating over to scrutinize Gell and his travel bracelet, which the new gryphon quickly hid away in his feathers. “And why did the manager call you a ‘special’ case?”

“None of your business!” Gell snapped. “That’s classified by the highest level of the human government.”

“Suite yourself,” Craig dismissed, floating back over to Lauren and the others. “I’m sure we’ll find out eventually.”

“As soon as Tartarus freezes over,” Gell mumbled.

“I’m sorry to have to do this to you,” Lauren apologized again, sounding genuine. “But the more we know about the anomaly cases, the better chance we have of solving them. Now, Mr. Manager, could you direct us to the potion storage room?”

“Certainly, your majesty,” the Bureau manager said, bowing. Lauren looked agitated again, but didn’t bother trying to stop him. She knew from experience that it would be a losing battle.

The Bureau manager clicked a button on the control panel to power down the portal before trotting back the way they had come. Leading the herd and one very disgruntled gryphon through a series of hallways, the Bureau manager at last came to two large double doors made of cold iron.

“We have to keep the storage facility well-protected, you understand,” the manager explained, allowing the scanner in the wall to read his iris before the doors slid open into the walls.

“It doesn’t seem like it’s been doing you very much good,” Lauren commented dryly.

“Yes, that’s the thing,” the Bureau manager agreed, cringing a little at the remark and hoping it didn’t harm his chances of promotion, however slim they may be. “This security system was state-of-the art when we opened, and we’ve upgraded it at least three times since the robberies started. But no matter what blockade we put in their way, the thieves always get through. Theoretically it would take a hacker five months to get through the lowest grade of DNA scanner, and we have a military-grade model. In fact, we believe the original thieves cooperated with the PER, at least for a one-time gig, in exchange for some of the payoff in the PER’s heist. You see, the regular thieves always break in, but they never take very much.”

“How much, exactly?” Craig inquired.

“Less than three bottles’ worth,” the manager answered, cringing even more at being talked to by a draconequus.

“What good would that do them?” Lauren wanted to know. “With such a low quantity, the potion would be useless to even the rogue chemists who splice the stuff into their drugs, and they’re the only humans I can think of who’d want ponification potion for anything besides being ponified.”

“Right you are, your majesty,” the manager agreed, ignoring Lauren’s sigh. “It’s a mystery to us as well. We suspected for a time that the thieves wanted to make the drugs for themselves, but the cost of processing the potion into the standard hallucinogenic actually costs far more than it would to break into a Bureau, especially one as equipped at the Townsville branch.”

“Ah, Townsville,” Craig mused absentmindedly. “If only I were visiting you under happier circumstances. I suppose the Powerpuff Girls and Professor Utonium would flee from the sight of me.”

“Don’t think like that!” Lauren chided. “Humans don’t fear Discord like ponies do—if it weren’t for my studies, you’d probably be just as oblivious to what a draconequus is as the majority of humanity.”

“True,” Craig agreed. “But nevertheless, would you want to meet me down a dark alley, whether you knew what I was or not?”

Lauren didn’t have an answer for that one.

The Bureau manager stopped the herd at the end of the long hallway after the iron doors, turning to look at the group nervously.

“Now, I must ask you, and I can’t stress this enough, not to touch anything,” the manager quipped. “We don’t want any more accidents in here than have already happened. Not that you would cause any, your majesty, or you, bearers of the Elements.”

Craig dismissed the fact that he was not omitted from the manager’s worries—he was almost beginning to get used to the condescension. Well, not really, but he was getting better at suppressing his frightening new primal instinct to turn whoever displeased him into birthday cakes. He only hoped he wouldn’t eventually snap, especially not in front of Lauren. The new alicorn’s memory of his liberation from the human military had been hazy, and he feared the day—if it ever came—when she remembered that he had killed a squadron of soldiers without a second thought. He had done it to protect her, but murdering one’s former species wouldn’t be easy to take regardless of the reasons behind it.

Gell hadn’t actually been omitted from the worries either—in fact, the new gryphon had received a smug grin from the manager, as if to say “Ha-ha, I have the most powerful ponies in Equestria here, and you can’t do a thing against me!” Gell smiled darkly when the manager’s back was turned. True, the new gryphon might not have any power over the manager any more…right now. But Gell was patient, and he never forgot an enemy’s face.

The manager had his iris scanned once more, and the door clicked open to reveal a massive warehouse-like room packed floor-to-ceiling with tanks of purplish-pink ponification potion. The stuff bubbled and sloshed, radiating a faint glow from all the collected magic. Gell looked around with interest—he could see so many opportunities for sabotage here—but it was best to wait until this band came off him. Payback could wait.

The Bureau manager continued to trot forward, leading the herd down an aisle of the vats and taking a turn every so often, taking them towards the very back of the Bureau.

“The thieves always steal from the same general area,” the manager informed them. “It’s always the southeast quadrant. We’d put up cameras, of course, but all the magical radiation and the dimness we need to preserve the potion in usually makes for a hazy image. We’ve installed several magical tripwires, and they seem to work, but the thieves are always gone by the time we—”

“INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUD—”

The Bureau manager froze before rushing ahead.

“That’s the alarm!” the manager called back over his shoulder excitedly. “That’s them! Nopony’s ever been this close before when the alarm went off! We might just—”

The manager froze again when he rounded a corner and nearly slammed into a vat of potion.

“What is it?!” Lauren called, rounding the bend before she too stopped stock-still with her jaw dropped.

As Craig rounded the corner, his eyes widened before the new draconequus let out “I can’t believe it! It’s them—it’s—”

“Who? Who is it?!” Twilight demanded, nearly sliding into Craig as she too slid around an obscuring vat of potion. “Is it those Powder Puff Girls you keep talking about meeting in this city?”

“Even better!” Craig smiled broadly. “The Powerpuff Girls were just one superhuman mutation—these guys could lead to a whole revolution of new superhuman mutations!”

“What are you talking about?!” Gell wanted to know, bounding up to see what everypony was ogling at. What he saw made his own jaw drop as well.

There, standing before the herd, was a trio of the most bizarre creatures the new gryphon had ever laid eyes on. If, that is, you could even call them creatures. Three bluish blobs of continually moving goop, studded with twitching cilia, turned to face the herd, showing them that they amazingly enough sported eyes and mouths. On top of that, each blob had a brown gangster-style hat perched on their…heads?

“We’ve been found out, boys!” exclaimed the blob in the middle, which appeared halfway sized between the taller one to its right and the shorter one to its left. The shorter one in question had a pseudopod jabbed into a vat of potion, and was proceeding to suck in the pinkish liquid with gusto. Judging by the purplish tints inside the other two blue blobs, they had already done the same.

“What in Equestria are THOSE horrid things?!” Rarity squealed, backing up hastily. “They’re positively REVOLTING!”

“They’re The Amoeba Boys,” Craig laughed. “And, despite being Townsville’s most incompetent criminals, they appear to be the potion thieves.”

“This is a stick-up, see!” announced the first one to have spoken, nervously jabbing a pseudopod in the herd’s direction. “We’re taking this here potion and there’s nothing you all can do to stop us!”

“I hate to break this to you,” Craig chuckled. “But you haven’t exactly got a gun or any threatening features of any kind to back up your threat.”

“Oh,” the speaker, apparently the leader, uttered. “Uh…what now, then?”

“You could all surrender quietly,” Craig suggested.

“Yeah, that’s what we’ll do!” the chief amoeba brightened up—literally changing several shades lighter. “Wait a minute—no, that’s the opposite of what we should do! We’re criminals; we don’t surrender without a fight!”

“It was worth a try,” Craig shrugged.

“Scram, boys!” the head amoeba yelled, melting downwards into a thin sheen on the floor before zooming away, closely followed by his cohorts.

“What the—somepony stop them!” the Bureau manager cried out, racing after the oversized unicellular organisms. The herd wasted no time in complying after Lauren followed suit with Craig floating close behind.

“That must be it!” Lauren exclaimed as they ran after the amoebic mafia. “Those…things…must have tainted to ponification potion, and that’s what made us turn out like this! If we can get a sample of them, maybe we can reverse the effects!”

“What are those things, anyway?” Twilight wondered, galloping alongside Lauren. “I’ve never read about any Earth creatures like those!”

“Townsville is home to a large scientific community, namely the famous Professor Utonium,” Craig explained as the herd rushed after the slithering blobs. “Many of the worlds’ most modern conveniences arose here. Unfortunately, plenty of unpleasant developments occurred as an aftereffect of the experiments that went wrong, one of those being The Amoeba Boys. Though admittedly they aren’t very intelligent, The Amoeba Boys’ bodies provide the potential for all kinds of scientific advancement—if anypony could just keep them in one place long enough to get a sample. They can squeeze in and out of the tightest spaces, from prison cells to whatever back door they must have snuck into the Bureau through.”

“Really?” Twilight wondered, getting excited in spite of herself. “So many possibilities for study…”

“Indeed,” Craig agreed. “Though I must admit I’m surprised that they were stealing ponification potion—what use could it have to them?”

“Looks like we’re about to find out,” Lauren pointed out, and the herd turned their attention back to where The Amoeba Boys had backed themselves into a corner. Though they could indeed squeeze through the tightest of cracks, there didn’t appear to be any cracks in their current prison. The amoebas, realizing they were trapped, shivered with fear.
“Don’t come any closer!” the head amoeba shouted, sticking out a pseudopod as if he thought it would be seen as threatening. “We got juice, and we’re not afraid to use it!”

“Juice?” Craig echoed.

“What in two worlds are you stealing my potion for?!” growled the Bureau manager, advancing steadily on the blubbering blobs. “It’s useless to the likes of you!”

“Useless?!” the head amoeba repeated. “This stuff is the only juice that can get us high!”

The Bureau manager was about to yell something else, when a sharp laughing pierced the crowd. The herd turned to see Gell laughing uncontrollably on the floor.

“You mean to tell me,” the gryphon chuckled while wiping mirthful tears from his eyes. “That you genetic freak-shows are stealing potion because magic is the only thing that can get you intoxicated?”

“It doesn’t get us intoxicated,” the head amoeba disagreed indignantly. “It gets us drunk! And unlike human drinks, this juice actually has a KICK!”

A blast of magical energy shot out from the head amoeba’s pseudopod, straight at Gell, who leapt into the air—higher than he normally would’ve been able to—before the blast smashed into a potion tank and caused it to explode, drenching the herd with its contents.

“Look, boys!” the head amoeba cried. “More juice!”
Just like they’d been able to do all along but apparently hadn’t thought of until just now, The Amoeba Boys split into multiple smaller segments and slid around the herd’s feet, rejoining into their respective bodies in the middle of the goop, which they proceeded to absorb.

“I can’t believe it!” Twilight gasped. “They can actually extract the magic from the potion and use it however they want!”

“I’m assuming that’s not a good thing?” Stout Heart asked.

“Not in the least,” Twilight responded, her horn charging up. “But if magic started this problem, then maybe magic can fix it!”

A blast of purple light burst from the lavender unicorn’s horn, firing straight at the blobby thieves. But, to the utter shock of all, instead of harming the giant cells the magic was sucked right into them.

“Hey, more juice!” the head amoeba noticed gleefully. “Thanks, lady!”

“They don’t just absorb magic from the potion,” Twilight realized, voicing what the rest of the herd was dreading. “They can absorb magic from anywhere!”

“Get ‘em, boys!” the head amoeba shouted before producing two pseudopods and proceeding to blast a barrage of magical shots at the herd.

The herd split, each half jumping to the side to take cover behind more of the vats of potion.

“How are we supposed to hogtie a bunch of blobby monsters when they can just split apart AND use magic?” asked an orange earth pony wearing a Stetson who Gell recognized from his mission briefing as ‘Applejack.’

“Whatever you do, don’t use magic against them!” Twilight warned. “We’ll have to catch them some other way.”

“If only I knew their genetic code,” Craig mused. “Then I could prescribe the opposite sequencing to put them into stasis.”

“Wait a minute…” Lauren realized. “Twilight! Why don’t you hit them with a counter spell of whatever magic is in the ponification potion? That should cancel their powers, right?”

“It actually should,” Twilight thought aloud. “But there’s still the problem of catching them once I power them down…”

“That’s it!” Craig spoke up. “The Amoeba Boys may be idiots, but they’re master escape artists. There are only three people who’ve ever been able to keep them in one place for very long. Go ahead and perform the counter spell; I’ll be right back!”

With a snap of his claws and a white flash, Craig was gone.

Twilight complied by setting her horn to sparking and then sending it into a radiant glow. Leaping out into the corridor between the vats where The Ameba Boys were still firing shots of their newfound magic, Twilight blasted a spell at the three giant cells and sent them all reeling back. The amoebas’ blobby bodies’ bounced along the ground, and they uttered curses and cries of “Ow!” each time they connected with the floor.

“I’m back!” Craig announced, appearing with another flash. Surrounding him and looking quite surprised was a trio of little girls who, amazingly enough, were floating. “There they are, girls!”

“Wait, what’s going on?” asked one, sporting long auburn hair and a red bow.

“Yeah, we don’t let monsters like you interrupt our class without whuppin’ their butts!” stated another, this one with short black hair.

“Just because I look like a monster doesn’t mean I am a monster,” Craig tried to explain. “And besides, I summoned you here to take care of the real monsters—The Amoeba Boys! They’ve been stealing ponification potion from this Bureau!”

“So THEY’RE the ones behind it all!” the orange-haired one said. “Get ‘em, girls!”

The trio zoomed forward through the air before rising up, taking a deep breath, and blowing a blizzard onto the three giant cells. In an instant The Amoeba Boys were frozen in a solid chunk of ice.

“Perfect!” Lauren announced triumphantly.

“I could’ve done that,” Twilight scoffed. “So could Discord! I, I mean Craig.”

“True, but you and I would’ve both been using magic to do so, and they would’ve just absorbed the magic,” Craig explained. “These superhuman wonders, The Powerpuff Girls, froze them with science!”

“That we did!” announced the leader of the tiny trio, flying back to the herd and eyeing Craig suspiciously. “But if you aren’t a monster, then what are you?”

“It’s a long story,” Craig sighed. “But let me just say, it’s an honor to meet you all! I’ve been reading about your heroic works for as long as you’ve been fighting crime.”

“He can’t be a monster if he’s nice like that,” noted the third of The Powerpuff Girls who wore her blonde hair in two pigtails. “A monster means a meanie pants! He’s nice, and—OH MY GOSH! PONIES!”

“Bubbles, we’ve been over this,” the leader intoned with an air of annoyance. “The ponies are sentient life-forms equal to humans who are from another dimension. They are not pets to be played with!”

“I know, but they’re so CUTE!” the blonde Powerpuff Girl, apparently Bubbles, squealed, flying right up to Twilight and throwing herself around the unicorn in a big hug. “I just want to hug them all!”

“Okay…” Twilight uttered, feeling uncomfortable as the superhuman child refused to let go of her neck. “Um…”

“Say, something seems familiar about you,” Bubbles commented, looking up at Twilight. “Something about your voice…”

“I’m afraid that’s all the time we have to plat with the ponies today, Bubbles,” grumbled the dark-haired Powerpuff. “Come on, it’s almost recess back at school!”

“Ooh! Recess!” Bubbles squealed again, apparently liking recess just as much as she enjoyed hugging ponies. The blonde Powerpuff finally released Twilight and flew up to join her sisters.

“You did tell us what The Amoeba Boys were up to, so I guess we can trust you,” the leader spoke to Craig again. “You can get these bozos to the police for us, right? We kind of have a game of kickball waiting for us.”

“We’ll certainly deal with them,” Craig answered. “Thanks again!”

“Happy to help!” the leader announced. “Now, uh, could you zap us back to our school?”

“Sure thing!” Craig agreed, snapping his claws. There was another flash, and the girls were gone. “Now all we have to do is get a genetic sample of The Amoeba Boys and we can finally get to the bottom of this.”

“Wait just a minute,” the Bureau Manager spoke up. The herd turned to face him, finding that he wore an expression of puzzlement, as if he had been pondering something deeply for some time now. “You all think that The Amoeba Boys here are what caused your anomalies?”

“Yeah, that’s kind of what we’ve been saying the whole time,” Lauren said, raising an eyebrow and wondering how somepony could’ve missed that. “Why do you ask?”

“But they couldn’t have!” the Manager realized. “The same small amount of potion has consistently been stolen from the southeast quadrant of the Bureau storage facility for the past few months. But when the PER struck, they took everything in the other three quadrants, where The Amoeba Boys never struck. And we obtained the dosage for our new gryphon here from the northwest quadrant of the refilled vats. None of that potion that affected any of you was ever touched by The Amoeba Boys!”

. . .