Marlow
Joined 19th Jul, 2013 ·
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Merry Christmas, Marlow, it's time to die
Sorry, my hate-fed side took over for a moment.
I have to say, your description is really, really, I mean really bulky. It may scare readers away.
) Maybe someone else can help you change it (and you should)
You should shorten it a bit much, down to the essential.parts. I'm sorry, but I myself can't break it down to something useful (that doesn't mean your's is bad
And now for the actual story:
- The one huge issue I have is your excessive use of brackets. They don't look good in a fictional text. If you want to do your thought-thing I think it looks nicer to do dashes (text - thought - text).
- I think you forget to tell how your character looks like. From a few sentences I deduct that (he)/she is female and somehow gifted with wings, so it's a pegasus. Apart from that I can't picture her in my head. But maybe you did that on purpose.
- I can't really point out the good things, because they're many small ones.
I enjoyed the read, give you a like and hope for the next chapter to be out soon.
Just one more question: is this an alternate alternate universe, because you mention seeing the moon and the stars in your first paragraph, that would mean no cloud cover. Or is it just past DoSaR?
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Christmas is my birthday, so that would be weirdly apt for me to die on that day, kind of like a Mark Twain/Halley's Comet thing, only less special and interesting. Additionally, thanks to a large amount of combat and weapons training on the government's dime... unlikely to happen. Also, are you as drunk as I am right now?
Yeah, the description is a journal entry of the main character, so, it would probably be easier to understand in context after reading the first volume of the story... which is on Fimfic somewhere. Darn continuity lock-out. Anyway, I will take the consideration of changing the description under advisement and send it to my editor.
Do you mean I'm over using parentheses or ellipses? I don't think I have any brackets in the story. Using dashes is a good idea though.
Her description is left generally vague but she does describe having a white coat and dark blue eyes in the text of this chapter (and being worried about being called fat). She is described a little bit more in the first volume.
I don't know if that is a good or bad thing that you can't point out any good parts.
Hooray, someone noticed the moon/stars inclusion. It could be in a place that is not affected or is less affected than Equestria, or it could take place after Little Pip takes control of the weather, or it could be someone's imagination, or take place long before hand, or be an unreliable narration. It is separate from the rest of the text for a very specific reason, but is open to interpretation... for now.
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I wasn't drunk. As I said: my dark side took over for a moment.
There are quite a few brackets in there. I'm not sure if there's a difference in the meaning of the word "parenthesis" and "brackets". But I think you get the picture.
You don't overuse them (okay, maybe a bit, but since it's a 1st person story that doesn't matter), the "problem" is that you use the parenthesis instead of the dashes. Dashes just look much better.
I don't have to facepalm during reading this, so you're doing something right, aren't you?
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Hmmm... I usually drink to make my dark side go away... I call it the drunk side. Not really, on either account.
Yeah, they're parentheses (by the American English definition) which is why I was confused. I wasn't sure if we had a disconnect in terminologies or if brackets had somehow actually gotten into the story, because they usually denote someone other than the author going in at a later time and adding something. Which isn't happening in the story... right now.
Not sure if you're making a subjective statement of opinion or a Rainbow Dash joke, which would be rather clever.
Eh... I face palm enough while writing it to cover a lack of doing so on the part of anyone else. Most of the time I'm doing something wrong... or neutral.
Thanks for the input. I'll pass the suggestions on to my editor sometime later tonight, and, if he ever gets back to me, see what he says.
I looked at the story again and I think you could use some formatting tips. If you (for some reason) don't want those, don't read any further.
- Make your heading "Chapter 1 ..." (in the actual chapter) bigger or bold. Maybe even both, but bold is usually enough. That way you separate the introduction thingy (which you could do as an "Introduction"-chapter and things would be much easier) from your chapter.
- The quote thing you used at the beginning of the "real" chapter. Make it italic. That's usually a way of showing words that aren't a part of the narration but aren't spoken by one of the characters either.
- And again the description. I think it's the main reason for the dislikes. Judging you got more thumbs than views. Just do something like:
See, something like this turns out to be much handier. But whatever you do, use new paragraphs (without a gap in between them), don't do a wall of text.
- it also looks nice if you indent the beginning of longer paragraphs, of which you have a lot in your story.
Those were my thoughts about how to make things a bit better by formatting.