This is your uh... captain speaking...
To say she was nervous would be an understatement. More like hysterical. Yeah, that's better.
I had never seen one of them up close before. I certainly didn't expect to be sitting next to one of them on a plane trip. I shoved my bag in the overhead compartment, double checked the seat number on my boarding pass… and triple checked it. That was my seat and I had to sit down. It was time to get my first impression. And what better way than to catch a glimpse of her nether regions as I took the aisle seat next to her.
Hey! I wasn't trying to look, ok? It just sort of happened.
Thankfully she wasn't looking.
Anyway. She was hysterical. I mean labored breathing, darting eyes, the works. And we hadn't even started moving yet. So if I was going to be stuck next to this rose-pink pony for the whole trip, I'd be damned if I was going to sit there and deal with her antics for three hours straight.
"You alright there, miss?"
"Alright?! Do I look alright to you?!" she snapped.
"First time up?" I continued, still trying to break the ice, as nicely as possible.
"No. Yes! I mean I took an airship ride once, but that was peaceful and quiet!"
"Erm… maybe the flight attendants have some of those pills that calm people down. Hey! Hey lady! Aw, she's not looking. Hmm… just try and relax ok? Planes are perfectly safe."
"Ha! That's easy for you to say! You apes ride around in these things all the time!"
Apes, she said! She referred to me as an ape! One of my eyebrows suddenly found itself much higher on my face than usual. "Oh stewardess!" I called loudly to no one in particular. "Any chance I could get a horse tranquilizer over here?"
Clearly I'd struck a nerve like I'd intended. She was so flabbergasted that those big pony eyes of hers looked about ready to pop out of her skull. But instead of being insulted and snapping at me, she just went, "Ha. Ha hahaha!" And she broke into a fit of giggles that could only be described as adorable. "Ha ha! Oh!" She brushed some of her strawberry colored hair back, out of her green eyes, and looked at me sideways. "Do I really look that much like a horse to you?"
I playfully shrugged, implying 'maybe,' earning an extra chuckle from her.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called you an ape." She was still smiling.
"It's ok, you're just nervous. Do I really look like one though?"
She narrowed her eyes at me. "There are some… vague similarities."
"Heh heh heh. Well anyway, I'm sorry about the tranquilizer quip."
"Ugh, I don't know, I might actually need one. I'm going nuts here! When are they going to take off? What's taking so long?!"
Bing
"This is your uh captain speaking. We've uh settled the uh weight issue, we were uh… having. But it uh seems they over fueled us just uh little bit. So we uh have to sit here and uh burn some of it off." The jet engines revved up. "We burn uh…bout 1200 gallons of fuel per hour, so uh we'll need uhbout uh five or ten minutes here folks."
"What?! That's ridiculous!" She exclaimed. "Why don't they just take the extra fuel out?"
"I don't think it's quite that simple."
"Humans are weird."
"Oh like ponies aren't. You're naked."
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"I've got my coat!"
"Oh, please. Your fur doesn't count." I crossed my arms.
"That's not what your government says." She crossed her arms- er, forelegs?
"The government? Eh, what do they know?" I waved a hand dismissively.
"Tch. Humans. How can you not trust your own government? It's run by humans isn't it? How does it go? 'For the people, by the people'?"
"Exactly. Run by humans. Reason enough not to trust them. Oh look, we're moving."
"We are? Oh Sun and Stars! We are!"
"Easy now," I reassured her. "We're just taxiing."
"But! But! After that, we take off, right? That's the worst part!"
"It's not so bad. The plane just speeds up and… that's it! In the air!"
"You make it sound soo simple."
"It is though, and it only lasts a minute." The plane's engines revved up. I looked out the window, we were turning onto the runway. Of course she was avoiding looking out the window herself, instead she was looking at me. Maybe she was expecting me to give her a little more reassurance, to tell her that everything would be just fine. So I smiled and said, "Here comes the fun part!"
"Oh ho no! Don't say it like that!" She started fiddling with her seat belt, making sure it was tight.
We were moving fast down the runway. I could feel the bumps in the pavement as the wheels passed over them. She was gripping the armrests with her hooves.
"Relax," I said. "Look at me. Deep breaths. That's it. Ok, now talk to me. What's a pony like you doing on a plane to Phoenix?"
"Cousin. Cousin lives there. Visiting cousin!"
"Good, good. I'm going there to see my older brother myself. Tell me about your cousin."
"She's-" Suddenly, the bumps in the runway couldn't be felt anymore. "Sweet Celestia's perky nipples! We're in the air, aren't we?!"
"We are, we are. Easy now. You were telling me about your cousin."
"Silver. Silver Bit. She conned me into taking this flying contraption there! I should have taken the train!"
We were well and clear into the sky, and still ascending. And she was still incredibly tense and grinding her teeth.
"You know we're already past the fun part, right?"
"What?" She suddenly loosened up.
"Yeah."
Her face scrunched up, "My ears feel funny," and she started rubbing her ears.
"It's just the pressure change. Yawn a couple of times, you'll be fine. So. Tell me about this Silver Bit. What's she doing in the middle of the American desert?"
"She… she got a job there. Working for some big time human bank. Silver and I were really close as foals. She's been a banker for… her whole life, I guess. But when she was twenty-ish, she took a job in Manehatten, and we really haven't seen much of each other since. And now she has a job in another universe entirely! Silver couldn't possibly get any farther away from me if she tried, could she?! But I still promised I'd come and see her as often as I could."
"Well that's awfully nice of you." I smiled. She wouldn't take her eyes off me. I knew why. "You sure you don't want to take a peek out the window there?" I motioned my head to the window beside her.
She shook her head. "Nope!"
"C'mon, you might enjoy it. It's a beautiful day out there."
"I don't want to. I'm kind of scared."
"Don't be. We're perfectly safe up here. Most humans don't even get to see this kind of thing every day. Come on, just a little peek?"
She chanced a look out of the window. We were flying level and smooth. "Hah! It looks like a giant green quilt down there!"
"See? It's not so bad, is it?"
Somehow she managed to blush. Through fur. Don't ask me. "No, I guess not…" she said. "Sorry I-"
"Don't be."
"Yeah… I guess it's not all that bad after all."
"Well hey, we still have the landing to worry about!" I playfully reminded her.
"Don't remind me! I'm still nervous as it is!"
We shared a small laugh over that.
"So," she said, "I told you all about my cousin. Tell me, who is this brother of yours?"
"Who? Joe? Oh, he's a trip. He finally got out of my hair when he moved away to Phoenix three years ago, but he guilt trips me into visiting him once a year."
She shook her head. "Why do you humans all hate each other?" She asked, clearly perplexed.
"Hey, I love my bro."
"Then why do you talk about him like that? Is that a human thing or something?"
"Heh. I think it's more like a guy thing. What makes you think humans hate each other?"
"Oh, I don't know. You seem to like killing each other an awful lot. You've had more wars in a decade that we've had in a hundred years in our world."
"Pfft, that's just politics. Honestly, normal people – by themselves, that is – aren't like that at all. You know, I knew these guys in high school. One of them was Bosnian, the other was a Serb. Now, their countries have been mortal enemies for like… ever. They hate each other. And these two guys, right? They'd greet each other with insults to the other's country. Every day. That's how they said 'hello,' but they were the best of friends, I mean thick as thieves. See, my point is that wars are just one group of people getting some more people riled up about something. Politics. Granted, a lot of people go for it, human nature I guess."
She opened her mouth to say something then. But she didn't.
I cleared my throat. "I think I just argued against myself. Whoops. Well, my point was supposed to be that humans don't naturally hate each other. Heh. Maybe we do, I dunno."
"You know, we're not perfect either. We have wars. I certainly didn't mean to give you a hard time about it."
"Hey, no big deal. Now, why don't you tell me more about your cousin, the banker pony?"
"Only if you promise to tell me more about this brother of yours whom you hate so much," she smiled wryly.
"Deal."
It was a pleasant flight. She only panicked a little when we landed. But I managed to keep her talking right through it. When we finally said our goodbyes at the terminal, she stood up on her hind legs and gave me a hug, thanking me for helping her 'get through this ordeal.' And while it was kind of awkward being hugged – in public – by a strange naked furry lady with hooves… I can't exactly say I didn't appreciate the gesture.
Besides, she was a way better seat-mate than the smelly fat guy I sat next to on the return flight, who preferred talking in grunts like a caveman.
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Watta trip!
Lol them cavemen... I didn't know some of them were still around...
Oh alright, since you asked nicely.
Adorable little slice of life story.
I just want to say, amazing work. I could see this becoming a full-blown story, with chapters and everything!
It'd take a bit of thinking, but with you just thinking up this idea while sitting in a seat, I'm sure you could manage!
Wow. This was very well done! Most stories like this are usually very awkward to read, even if it is really good, but you made the conversation and interactions between them flow so naturally!
Really hoping to see more of these types of stories from others and you, oh so talented author!
Daww =)
4079047 Your thumb has been graciously accepted!
4079157 ikr!
4079174 Cavemen?
4079192 Why thank you!
4079396 I try
4079663 Thank you! But therein lies the problem. When do I get to sit around without distractions and just focus?
4079691 You flatter me! And who knows? If my muse is willing...
4079809
4079824 The very last word in the very last sentence of the story. :D
4080186 Wow. I forgot I even wrote that!
I was half expecting them to find out their respective relations knew each other. Very cute slice of life story. I liked the awkwardness and the genuine friendliness of them both.
You, sir, have obviously never been to Arkansas.
Good vignette. I like that you let the characters speak for themselves instead of padding it with setting description and explication. Have a fave and an upvote.
4080407 Hmmmmmmmm... Well, glad you liked it!
LOLWUT?! And yeah, I'm glad you can appreciate that. That's exactly what I was going for. I kinda like narrating that way.
4080476
This seems to take place in the same MultiVerse as An Human For Ponies. Little does the narrator know that the mare next to him wants to eat him.
4080695
I hadn't even thought about that.
I need to finish that god-awful story too.
Mr. author sir. Can you have my babies?
4080749
lol
If you're a girl.
4080750
Unfortunately I am a male. Curse having this awesome penis! Awesome story btw
4080763 lol thanks
Hah! This was cute!
Great little slice of life! I'd love to read more of these one offs from a shared universe where pony and people learn to coexist. Thanks for sharing it with us!
Why must one-shots be so good and never more of it to be had???
Makes me wonder though. Are unicorns required to not use their horns when the aircraft has left the gate?
I understand we can use our wifi during flight after the seatbelt sign is turned off but that's fairly recent.
If a pegasi can fly/hover the entire trip in the isle, can they get a reduced rate or not have to buy a seat at all?
Hmm, would Spike have to get an infant booster seat or would the airline demand he go in a pet carrier with the cargo?
Celestia would obviously get a private jet...
I could see RD forgoing an airline ticket and just trying to race the plane to the airport.
The first Equestria party at 30,000 feet! WOOHOO! WHEEE!!!
I could picture Rarity going off on the lack of fabulosity after one glance inside any plane.
Fluttershy might actually have horse tranquilizers... for herself.
Huh. No mention of the disappeared Malaysian Airlines flight.
I loved it! Such a great story. <3 Reminds me of when I went on a plane sitting next to my snoring sister.
And then when I thought this guy threw up...
And when my grandpa forced me to play suduko with him...
So what time of year did you visit our dusty patch of middle of buttfuck nowhere that is Arizona?
That was an enjoyable read, great job!
This was fun to read XD
4080802
Goddammit, Red, you never cease to amaze me.
Maybe someday I'll be as good as you...
I don't know why, but the amount of "uhs" in the captain's dialogue really made me laugh. I guess it's just one of those things that are so true to life it just happens to be hilarious!
4081062
4081283 Who knows? Maybe I'll write some more slices of life.
4081353 Much like anything good in life... and that is an interesting point. What would the FAA have to say about using magic in flight? It'd be funny if the airlines installed a 'no magic' light in addition to 'seat belts' and 'no smoking.' I guess it'd be a picture of a unicorn horn with a 'no' circle over it. lol
4081523 lol yeah, I wrote this before that happened.
4081647 Don't you just love travelling?
4081692 Feb 21ish. That weekend. Your god-forsaken desert actually seems like a nice place, but Chicago is just home, you know? And sunshine is nice and all, but I actually felt relieved when I walked out of O'Hare into 10 degree weather.
4082068 Thank you!
4083149 Better than walking out of Phoenix Gateway Airport into 120 degree summer bullshit.
Their should probably be a prologue to this story. (Probably stumbling onto each other and spending quality time
)
Very enjoyable story!
4083167
But it is a dry heat of 120 degrees!
4083149
I know the feeling. Yeah it might feel nice but I would never want to live in the Southern boarder of the US. As Jake and Elwood said, Sweet Home, Chicago. Although I am glad that I don't live in the City of Chicago due to traffic being a nightmare (especially after Hawks, Bears, Cubs, Bulls, and White Sox games). Makes me glad that I usually take the Metra when I visit Chicago.
You know how authors urge each other to write dialogue as life with the boring bits taken out?
4083149
welcome, I look forward to seeing what else you produce. I love little slice of life'y stuff like this.
4083258
I do believe that would be an 'epilogue.'
Funny how those weird what ifs are such great inspiration.
I'm not sure I'd want to fly next to a pony. That would be really weird.
Not bad... BTW, I covered some similar territory in the second chapter of my story, The Golden Dawn. Which I still want to get back to work on, after I wrap up Black Angel.
Should have taken the train? The joke's on you, pony. Amtrak doesn't go to Phoenix.
Aw. Not so bad. Have a thumb. Though now I kinda wish you'd fleshed it out a bit.
I kinda wish this wasn't a one-shot, but I still liked it. Good job!
4082085 Glad you liked it!
Oh, come now. I'm not all that.
)
4082515
4082817 LOL finally someone mentions that! Does that mean everyone else didn't even notice it? lol because like you said, it's so true to life
4083167 hehe, yeah I suppose.
4083258 Don't you mean epilogue?
4083286 Oh, yeah. I live on the far north border. It's nice here
4083291 But sometimes the boring bits are the funniest parts!
4083778 Would it be that kind of thing where you both avoid eye contact?
4083874 Shamless self-promotion?! GTFO! (jk, I do that shit all the time lol
4084155 It doesn't? Like... there has to be some train route... right?
4084378 Ty. But what do you mean? You wanted like a whole story?
4084674 Well that's good, means you liked it! Thanks.
Awesome. I fave.
Hm, I actually really liked this, it was definitely a different take on the "ponies on earth" idea. I could see a fun little series by you where humans meet ponies in random situations like on a train, bus, deli/meat market, hell even the horse races to shake things up. Good job man.
4084704 Union Pacific and BNSF freight trains both have yards there. There's also a commuter light rail that runs within city limits. The closest that long-distance passenger trains (i.e. Amtrak) come to Phoenix is the city of Maricopa, a few dozen miles south.
I was once stuck there for two days.
fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2011/362/f/b/that_is_my_fetish_by_thatpony-d4kjxsn.png
4084704
I think it might be. I'm not normally a very outgoing guy to begin with, and not a frequent enough flier to know what the proper social etiquette is when I'm sitting next to a stranger. The fact that the stranger was a different species would be even more perplexing. There'd be about a thousand questions I'd want to ask (probably starting with "So, what's it like being a pony?"), but I'd be worried about offending her and then spending the rest of the flight in awkward silence. Maybe if she started the conversation, I dunno...
Could a pony even fit into an airplane bathroom? Or if she did, could she use it?
4085462
Amtrak does have connecting bus service to Phoenix, so it would be possible to take a train most of the way. It costs $346 (one way), and you have to arrange your own transportation from the Flagstaff train station to the Flagstaff bus station. I've actually Amtracked to Flagstaff before, but went to the Grand Canyon instead of Phoenix.
I got stuck for a lifetime (about 13 hours) in Kansas in the winter on Amtrak once. We hit a truck that was parked on the tracks. Nobody was in it, which was fortunate.
4085253 Thanks!
Who the hell parked a truck on the train tracks?
4085433 I have actually considered that... we shall see...
4085462 Wow. You know your shit.
4085511 lol?
4086325 I see. And I have no idea. Tbh, I don't even know if a pony could fit in a plane seat.
4086342
Also, this story was inspired in part by a random person I met in the airport. We had a conversation to pass time and when we parted ways, neither of us knew the other's name. That's why if you notice, neither character has a name. Their relatives do, but not them.
4086342 There are Thruway buses from Flagstaff to Phoenix. Maricopa is much closer to Phoenix than Flagstaff but you have to get there yourself. I figured all this out during the 48-hour layover that I had in Maricopa.
Also, if you don't mind me asking, $346 one way ticket from where? If you get lucky, Amtrak has a lot of deals, like the $449 rail pass, which gets you eight times as much travel.
4086369 Yay for random airport conversations. I wrote a story loosely based on a trip I took rushing across the country to see my hospitalized grandmother. I didn't have time to talk to many people, but one woman heard my story and pushed me ahead in the standby line. I was the last one to get on the plane.
Amusing, and echoes some of the strange thoughts I have every day in regards to colorful sapient equinomorphs.
Nicely done, have a thumbs up and a fave.