P2, "of Vinyl's" Same v, and you need an apostrophe P4, "go Vinyl" I think you're looking for go, and the V needs to be capitalized P6 "Vinyl's" same v P9 "You're" needs an apostrophe P10, 11, and 12 it should be Berry Punch, not Berrypunch. The latter seems stiff and unreasonable. P13 Canterlot should be capitalized. Last paragrah felt a tad bit rushed, and it should be "Berry's"
Dragging her hot wet organ up the large thick cock, hearing more moans escaping Gilda lay on her back panting softly, her front legs wrapped around Twilight who lay on top of her, sleeping lightly. The beautiful mare sweating lightly. Her horn was dripping lightly onto her but Gilda didn't mind really. They had finished up cleaning themselves off after their fun and Twilight had ended up falling asleep on top of her as the two of them cuddled with eachother. She slowly slid out from under her lover, setting her down on the bed and pulling the blankets over her, writing a note she'd be home soon. Gilda just hoped Twilight could read her writing! Deciding to head out and get some fresh air, Gilda took a few bits from Twilight, not a lot but enough to buy a little something.
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P2, "of Vinyl's" Same v, and you need an apostrophe
P4, "go Vinyl" I think you're looking for go, and the V needs to be capitalized
P6 "Vinyl's" same v
P9 "You're" needs an apostrophe
P10, 11, and 12 it should be Berry Punch, not Berrypunch. The latter seems stiff and unreasonable.
P13 Canterlot should be capitalized.
Last paragrah felt a tad bit rushed, and it should be "Berry's"
Otherwise, nice premise and not too shabby.
4308086
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Heh, thanks for pointing out those.
What?
4315481 we were ready to ask, what that was doing in this story