My name is Lloyd Carter. a 6'2 in. Caucasian American. My hobbies are skateboarding, karate, and planting. I'm a college graduate with my job as an architect. The job pays well when It comes to creating new structures.

Did we really need to know this? If so, there are far better ways to integrate it into the story than by giving us a biography.

Read this. You have problems 1, 2, and 3

Using spellcheck and then pasting the checked text into FIMFiction's page could help you improve your quality.

When writing dialogue, you can make things more interesting by not using "said" so much.

The first paragraph where Lloyd is introduced is called infodumping. Don't do it. Spread details out and introduce them as the reader needs to know.

A better source link for the cover art would be here.
However, I would suggest you find different art. Silentpegasus has already used this picture for one of his stories.
And this story
And this other story
Not to mention I doubt that you are the owner of the picture or asked for permission to use it.

Alicorn Twilight is also present."

You could've left that out of the description. Everyone who reads the story will notice that she's an Alicorn

So far it good but listen to totallynotabrony I didn't know about the whole cover art but take your time and remember spellcheck is your friend with that said it favorite for me
i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7086663680/hE460227B/
I found this funny

Nice one so far I have to say. The pic is also nice, allthough Dash looks kinda like a Street Fighter here ;). I am eager to read more.

This seems like an interesting new story. I'll wait for the next chapter.

You're committing a grievous sin here. The forced dialogue, the tense shifting, hell even the RanDom CaPItiLiZATion of words are bad enough. But you start off with this:

It was a just a normal day like any other day in Ponyville. A Certain lavender Alicorn was walking to her library with a new spell book in hand. She planned on showing her friends and the CMC when they get out of high school. She was using her new wings to fly towards her house where her friends would be since she invited them over.

And then you move to this:

My name is Lloyd Carter. a 6'2 in. Caucasian American. My hobbies are skateboarding, karate, and planting. I'm a college graduate with my job as an architect. The job pays well when It comes to creating new structures. I also help little kids fix toys around the town. I currently didn't have a client so I've been down at the house. I decided to take a stroll around the park with my skateboard, MP3 player with my Song playing in my ears when I heard thunder roar. And to top al that off, I was under a tree when I was resting, and it was 4:00 in the afternoon. I look up in the sky to notice black clouds and what looked like a green portal in the middle of a swirling mass.

Don't see it? Look a little closer at how it's set up. You started in third person narrative then switch to first person when it's your self-insert OC that shows up. You can't do that. You choose a tense and you stick to it. Since you started in third person, you need to stay in third person. The problem comes from having what is effectively an omniscient narrator. We, as the reader, can't know what happened to the ponies before they wound up in front of Lloyd's eyes. All that backstory is an unknown and needs to remain that way unless one of the girls decides to tell him the story later preferably in a flashback.

Also, why do you find it necessary to tell us any of this information? What relevance does any of it have? Unless he's continually talking about mundane things when you meet him for the first time like he's a professional monologuer or something, you shouldn't include it. Really it should be written more like this:

"Meanwhile, in another universe in a far off land known as the United States of America, a young man by the name of Lloyd Carter was on his skateboard taking a little spin through the park. He had graduated from college with a degree in aricheture a few months back and found himself with no projects to be working on this afternoon which is why he was currently listening to his MP3 player as he tooled around the manicured ground. Kicking back under a tree, he rested his head against the truck when suddenly, over the strains of "Satelitte" by Rise Against playing in his ears, he heard a crash of thunder. Looking up he saw a swirling mass of dark clouds gathering right above his head. That in itself wasn't a bad thing. What was bad was the eerie green energy that seemed to be coming straight for him."

It's a little more organic, there's a reason for stuff and mentioning things and they don't seem to be out of place.

Beyond that, this would really benefit from a proofreader and editor to help you work out some of the kinks.

When he looked up 12 girls fell on him knocking him out. The girls later got up groaning and one of them shouted.

That should be in first person.
4051513 Also, blackguard, the author only has it in first person for Lloyd.

4051578. What I meant was the author wanted this in first person from Lloyd's point of veiw, but you can't have that when Lloyd is not in equestria. Therefore I take no offense.

4051578

Also, blackguard, the author only has it in first person for Lloyd.

That's even more stupid than not sticking to one narrative. Unless Lloyd is literally internalizing all his dialogue or he's scizophrenic and talking to himself in his head there is no reason for him to be written in first person.

It's a bit of a pet peeve of mine. N00bs always write in first person because it makes it easier for them to think as if they were the main character which they are. Don't tell me for a minute that the author isn't Lloyd. Bonus points for this if his name is Lloyd in real life and he's an architect who likes skateboards, karate and Rise Against. The problem is this is too limiting when writing. You should always start in third person and once you get that down try your hand at first person.

Meh...

That was just...

I think I was facepalming throughout the entire chapter. Really? Some cursed stare?

The dialogue was terrible, the writing wasn't much better, the descriptions are pretty much nonexistent, and the dialogue was terrible. Yes, I know I mentioned bad dialogue twice.

Oh great another one

I saw it in a manga somewhere before and I thought it would be funny okay?

When one waifu isn't enough, take twelve.

A pony blessed by the power of the stare meets a human cursed by the power of the glare.

25th like, like a boss!

4051592

What I meant was the author wanted this in first person from Lloyd's point of veiw, but you can't have that when Lloyd is not in equestria. Therefore I take no offense.

Actually you can't have that in a story. It's just story writing 101. You don't switch narratives in the middle of a chapter.

What he could have done was alternate between a third person view and a first person view in every other chapter. So tell the story in third person, then tell the same story from Lloyd's point of view in the next chapter. Then in the third chapter we do the third person, omniscient view again and in the fourth it's the first person Lloyd POV.

Changing it up in the middle of the chapter simply doesn't work.

4053325 Oh I see what you mean, yeah, I don't really know what else to say.

4053325
Actually, I know several stories on this site that do that and they're all... mostly pretty good.

4055089
Exceptions to the rule I would assume but then the merest fact that people are liking this story shows that some people don't care about actual writing and ways to do it. I do care, being a writer and all. Fact is this is simply something you don't do in the middle of the chapter. As I said, you can do this in alternating chapters and do it rather effectively. But you can't just jump and change the narrative from third to first and then back again in the same chapter. That simply isn't done and it goes to show that the author can't write effectively.

But I'd love to see these... "mostly pretty good" stories of which you speak.

4056478
what type of things do you write(as in genres, fic or non-fic)?

4057398
Before I answer that, what difference does it make?

4058274
I was just asking cause I don't know many writers( I thought it was a simple question since I like to read and I suck at writing. I have a big imagination but suck at putting it on paper in a literary sense) I also thought it was a valid question to ask a writer

4058308
Let's just say it's non-fiction and leave it at that.

What? This got into hiatus or something?

Nice start.

It's good keep going

Lovin' it so far i'll be waiting patiently for the next installment

i hope applejack, rainbow dash, babs and scootaloo can trust him soon

"I asked for your names, not to be little brats." I said with venom in my tone."

i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/5959476480/hCAB86E36/

I loved it all so much so far and can't wait to see where this is going to go next .

Besides a few spelling errors not bad

"Well if he tries anything funny with us, Babs and I will hurt him ten times worse." said Scootaloo.

There's my favorite little psychopath

4902720 i agree 100% it needs work but i can get into this

Okay. First, it's Applejack not AppleJack. Treat names like that as one word not two. A few sentences were redundant like staying something is rare because they are extremely hard to find, just saying it's rare is fine. You should have used anthropomorphic when Lloyd first saw them not after. Why did Twilight smack him? I would suggest saving the dislike for him after he's done something that would call for it. "The stare"came out of no where and the reason for it could have been saved for later, we didn't need to know right now. You need to choose one point of view and stick to it. Sweetie Belle's outburst came straight out of left field.

We don't need to know it's Tuesday. We don't need two "Wow Twilight..." sentences especially if they say the samething, just have her agree with Dash instead. I'm having a hard time understanding his reasoning for giving the a house to stay at. I know why but Lloyd's explanation isn't why.

There's more but I think the other comments got them. A blessing of writing here is that others can comment on your story and if you don't take them to heart, you're not getting any better. Not all off then like the ones written by assholes and trolls but the ones that actually tell you what's wrong, they're telling you specifically what's wrong with your story is like having a hundred different editors working around the clock to help turn your story into masterpiece. Use it, I know plenty of authors who wish they could.

It's a good story chapter its just that this chapter had a too fast moving pace felling like you rushed it (not in a bad tone) like why didn't he freak out when he first saw them or why didn't the girls freak out when they first saw them again not in a bad tone, but yeah it's pretty excellent (P.S. in my opinion you probably need to rewrite it)

I knew when Sonic made an appearance within the story it wasn't going to be fun.

It has a good idea behind it, but its much to forced. It might get better later on but right now its pretty bad.

Better luck next time.

I will not read further. I shall now purge everything that I have read in the past five minutes from my mind and continue my hunt for real stories.

static.deathandtaxesmag.com/uploads/2014/12/nope.gif

My my, two people are triggered and disliked my comment.
Let the hate flow through you.

6231438
Yeessssssssss, this web page is but a figment of your imagination. As is this comment, now be calm my friend and leave.

this is really bad,the only reason i'm gonna read a few more chapters is because this story has 364 like and only 81 down votes. So maybe it gets better later on, i really hope it does for my mental sake.

And to comment on the authors note, yes you should erase this and re write it completely. i'm not joking

It's pretty a pretty good start, you do have a few grammatical errors you may need to fix but all in all it is a good start story-wise.

Also, how did he know they were called the mane six

The dialogue is really bad, the main character just seems to accept this so easily and just states the obvious throughout the entire chapter.

6973671
Perhaps he's familiar with Mlp and connected the dots while trying to seem as oblivious as he deemed necessary.

You shoul really spell check and proof read before you upload stories.

Just as an example your character first states he has 5 extra rooms but the when they get there suddenly he has 2 less.

Sweetie Bell was comforting AppleBloom due to the comment Diamond made about her family being hillbillies.

Im a hillbillies

A ‘Yo mamma joke’ in 2014. Bummer.