favorite character is applejack and i have been a brony for a while now
A Freshmen in College not only got a room in the new apartment dorms at his college, but he also got a nice new pink roommate. This wouldn't be bad, if his roommate wasn't a mare, who instantly wants to be friends. But, for some reason he's not to keen on calling her his friend right off the back.
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Should I continue with this idea, or move on and try to write something different?
3997719
Please, do continue!
3997719
I agree do continue
Did you really write yourself into a story?
You should have written this with spellcheck. It would have caught a few spelling and capitalization errors.
You also have a problem I like to call The great dialogue comma/period debate:
This is because she said, giving a sigh is not proper sentence by itself, so it can't start with a capital letter and must be added to the dialogue with a comma.
There's nothing terribly wrong with this story, but the concept of hybrid children is probably where all your downvotes came from.
3998406 Nope, Brandon is actually a name that I like to use for the stories with humans and ponies. As for his last name Jenkins, I will admit that is my last name and I was to lazy to really come up with another last name.
3998491 The concept of hybrid children crossed my mind when I was thinking about the story, and all the different mythical creatures that we know. So I decided to give a shot at giving an explanation of that they are hybrids, for even though the concept of the story with being in college has been used I wanted to at least try to add my own original, at least as far as I can tell, ideas to the story.
I like it
4031576 Because haters gonna hate when someone tries something a little different.
4031691
Indeed. But it is an amazing story weather people want to say it or not.
4087722
Its 'nice' not 'noice'
sorry force of habit
4106917 Don't I know it
4107116
4137257 Could you possibly provide an example of these please? So I know what to watch out for in future chapters, and please provide at least two of these examples.
4139150
Man you just have too many that I just cant spot them all, huh
4144312 If that's true, then what does that say about my proofreader?
4145578
That he is not Perfect, because Nobody is Perfect
great so far! Keep up the good work!
3998491
Actually, that's not what governs the use of commas vs. periods in dialogue at all. The deciding factor is whether or not the text immediately following the closing quote is a dialogue tag that describes who said the dialogue and how, or a separate action which is performed after the dialogue is spoken and is not connected to it.
Both of your examples:
must use a comma at the end of the dialogue, and not capitalize "she", because "she sighed" is a dialogue tag describing who said it ("she" said it) and how it was said (she "sighed" it.)
If the character's dialogue ends in a ? or !, you use those marks as normal inside the quotes, but you still must treat the following dialogue tag as part of the sentence and not capitalize the first word unless it's a name.
Only when the text outside the quotes is not a dialogue tag, but an entirely separate action, do you end dialogue with a period and start a new sentence:
In this case, the bolded part is a separate action -- Mr. Hetch speaks his first lines of dialogue, then stops speaking, gives a little smirk, and resumes speaking. So it isn't a dialogue tag, and is not connected to the previous sentence.
4139150
Such as the fact that you're still punctuating your dialogue incorrectly, as totallynotabrony already pointed out to you back in chapter 1?
WRONG:
CORRECT:
(Note that in the third example, the "Using my magic" part and the preceding "Here, let me get that for you" dialogue is punctuated correctly, because his act of removing the foam from her nose is a separate action performed after he finishes speaking, not a description of who said the dialogue and how.)
You also keep confusing things like "your" vs. "you're", "its" vs. "it's", and so on. "You're" is the contraction of "you are", not the possessive pronoun ("your" property, "your" house); "it's" is the contraction of "it is", not the possessive pronoun ("its job", "its color").
4466561 Thanks, this is the kind of criticisms that I look for. As for the your, you're, its, and it's well that's a mistake that I don't normally catch until someone goes over the chapter. By that, let me clarify that I mean I don't catch them while writing and even if I do go over it myself I may end up skimming pass them.
4466624
Hmm tell me about it...
4482591 Hey, you volunteered to be the proofreader for this.
4482626
Im not denying that fact
MORE
you switched writeing formats. you went from I entered my room to they entered my room. but the they was still the character himself.
also i was expecting pinkie pie romance.
4655115 Hm, I never promised that it would be a Pinkie romance. Though, who knows what goes through my head.
Lol that was so mean gkving his bestie a wing boner but it was funny as hell.
You know. I cant wait until I can start helping you again, because I can spot all the mistakes
4837798 I bet you can, at least when you do manage to get online.
whos his mom?
stayclassy
5680087 That's gonna be a surprise for when i get back to this story
hmm he's from the crystal empire, and his mom's a mystery, he has an aunt so i dont think its cadence...unless twilight is his aunt probably not . unless great aunts count
stayclassy
i can't help but think somethings bad's gonna happen involving Korona, although the real question is no longer who his mom is but who his dad is
this is amazing you get a nose boop i492.photobucket.com/albums/rr289/axlthehedgehog_2008/responses/tumblr_m2gfw2gtbw1r6i662o1_r1_500_by_scarlett_novel-d7b3svf.png
looking forward to more
stayclassy
5680561 well, at least someone is trying to solve the little mystery i put out there.
5682110 can't help it i'm enjoying this story, but it seems now i play the waiting game
stayclassy
5682200 Trust me, you'll like the little twist i have planned. Also, if you do figure it out pm on here.