A Rainbow in the Dark

by Fluttershy 117

part 3

Fluttershy opened her eyes and found herself in a dark forest. She looked around, dazed and confused as to where she was and how she got there. "Hello?" She called out hoping somepony would answer back so she would know she wasn’t alone in this scary place. All she heard however was the faint echo of her voice being carried off to the surrounding trees. "Ummmmm hello...?" she called out again starting to get nervous and scared. Yet again nopony answered, she was alone in this dark forest and she had no idea what to do. She walked around looking for a way out but only managed to get lost even more. She decided to keep walking hoping to escape the dark spooky forest. As she walked she heard a loud noise pierce the silence she had gotten used to making her fall down in fear. She opened her eyes and looked around for what caused the loud scream she had just heard, she slowly got back up and started to walk again. Fog began to appear all around Fluttershy as she got deeper into the forest, the fog was really creeping her out but she kept going determined to get to the end of this nightmare. The deeper into the forest she got the thicker the fog seemed to get, it wasn’t long before Fluttershy couldn’t see anything in front of her. She began to shiver, the air seeming to get colder the deeper she went. She stopped when she heard a loud terrifying scream that shook Fluttershy making her freeze unable to move, she looked around trying to see what made the noise but she couldn’t see anything in the thick fog and darkness that surrounded her. "Ummm is anypony there?" she tried to call out but only managed to make a inaudible squeak instead. She managed to get control over her limbs and continued walking even though every part of Fluttershy just wanted to crawl into a little ball and wait for this to end. She heard the loud scream again this time it was louder and seemed to be closer. Then all of a sudden a bright light appeared and illuminated the entire forest covering everything in a blanket of light. Fluttershy was knocked down by the blinding light, and was momentarily blinded by it, after she finally managed to get her vision back she saw Rainbow Dash, she was face down in the water surrounding her and wasn’t moving, Fluttershy quickly went to get up but she found that she couldn’t move. Her hooves had been swallowed up by the ground and she couldn’t get free. She tried flapping her wings to pull herself free but to her horror she saw that her wings were missing. She looked back at Rainbow Dash and saw that the she was starting to be sucked up by the ground which had turned into a pool of blackness and was pulling her in. Fluttershy tried to speak but when she opened her mouth nothing came out, she couldn’t speak. Fluttershy looked down at her hooves and noticed they weren’t trapped anymore she was free. Fluttershy galloped to where Rainbow Dash was but she was too late, she arrived just in time to watch as the darkness swallowed her up.___

"RAINBOW DASH!!!!!!" screamed Fluttershy as she awoke from her nightmare. Fluttershy screaming had startled Rainbow Dash who had woken up only moments before and caused her fall of the couch and land on top of Fluttershy. "Geez Fluttershy what was all that about?" groaned Rainbow Dash as she rubbed her good wing which had taken the blunt of the fall. Fluttershy opened her eyes again and saw that Rainbow Dash was directly on top of her and blushed before quickly helping her up. "Oh I’m so sorry Rainbow are you ok?" Fluttershy asked feeling bad for causing her to fall like that. Rainbow Dash who was still a little startled by Fluttershy screaming like that shook her head yes and slowly got back on to the couch. The was a slight pause before Fluttershy broke the silence "would you like some breakfast?" she asked realizing that it was morning. "Ummm yah sure Fluttershy" Rainbow Dash said sounding as bored as she looked "oh she must be so bored just sitting around doing nothing" thought Fluttershy as she went into the kitchen and started to grab the ingredients to make her breakfast. She decided to make oatmeal it was easy to make and she wasn’t sure what Rainbow Dash liked. Rainbow Dash was lying down on the couch staring at the floor; she was super bored and wanted to go do something. She had been at stuck inside Fluttershys cottage for two days now and was anxious to see her friends, but as much as it hurt to admit it, she knew her body wasn’t up for the task. Simply walking up and down the steps was agonizingly painful, and even her good wing wasn’t in very good condition. Her back left hoof was messed up and her back still killed her, Rainbow Dash sighed "this sucks" she looked around trying to find something even remotely interesting but gave up after she had looked at everything there was to look at. "Gosh Fluttershys house is sooo boring" Rainbow Dash said as she rolled on her back and stared up at the ceiling, she began to imagine that she never got hurt and that she was outside practicing her trick right now flying around in the cool morning air, feeling the wind through her mane, the adrenaline rush from doing high altitude tricks. She looked at her wing and felt a twinge of sadness knowing that as much as she could hope she would be better before the wonderbolts host their annual tournament, she wouldn’t. She then looked into the kitchen and for the second time since the accident found herself captivated by Fluttershy's grace. She had always found Fluttershy beautiful even back in flight school but she had never told anypony. She had always secretly preferred mares but she refused to acknowledge it. Besides Fluttershy her friend and that was good enough for her, wasn’t it? Her thoughts however where interrupted "ummm I’m sorry Rainbow Dash i hope I’m not interrupting" Fluttershy said startling Rainbow Dash. She looked up at Fluttershy her mane was a mess probably from cooking and she looked like she hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep, her eyes where glistening from the sunlight coming in through the window. She looked gorgeous and Rainbow Dash quickly found herself starting to blush at the thoughts racing through her head, she turned her head away from Fluttershy and got off the couch. She stretched then after making sure her blush was gone turned back to face Fluttershy "oh no you weren’t interrupting anything" Rainbow Dash said looking down at the floor “I was just thinking about some things". Fluttershy looked at Rainbow Dash, she looked like she was being bothered by something but Fluttershy wasn’t going to ask. It wasn’t any of her business and besides Rainbow Dash would tell her if it was important. "Oh....ok well breakfast is done" Fluttershy said with a smile "oh good Im starving" Rainbow Dash said as she began to walk into the kitchen.___

The meal was very good. Rainbow Dash was never big on oatmeal but Fluttershy was an amazing cook and she was sure she could make anything taste great. "Wow Fluttershy that was amazing!" Rainbow Dash said finishing her last bit of oatmeal. "Oh...well thanks I’m glad you liked it" Fluttershy said with a slight blush, she got up and grabbed the dishes and started to clean them. Rainbow Dash looked around; she had a really nice kitchen and was well stocked on food. Probably because of all the animals Fluttershy takes care of Rainbow Dash thought to herself. "So Fluttershy..." Rainbow Dash said getting Fluttershys attention "yes?" Fluttershy asked turning around momentarily to look at Rainbow Dash who was shifting around probably bored from just laying around all day. "Have you heard from our friends?" she asked with a sound of slight sadness in her voice. Fluttershy looked down, she hasn’t heard anything from any of her friends since before the storm hit. Rainbow Dashes question reminded Fluttershy this, she had admittedly forgotten about her friends being busy with taking care of Rainbow Dash. She did miss her friends and not knowing if they were ok was really upsetting to Fluttershy. "No I haven’t" Fluttershy said with sadness in her voice Rainbow Dash noticed the sad look on Fluttershys face and realized it was bothering her too. "Oh...well I’m sure they’re all ok" Rainbow Dash said trying to cheer up the depressed Pegasus. Fluttershy smiled faintly then finished up the dishes and helped Rainbow Dash back to the couch. They sat there for a while neither of them really talking; both where lost in their own thoughts. Fluttershy really wanted to see if her friends where ok but she knew Rainbow Dash were in no condition to make the walk to ponyville and she didn’t want to leave her alone in case Rainbow Dash needed her or worse something bad happened while she was gone. Rainbow Dash was mostly going over the past few days and the events that have happened in them. It has defiantly been an eventful one Rainbow Dash thought to herself sighing as she looked at her bandaged wing and back. She has gotten hurt before but never this bad, sure she’s pulled a wing or sprung a hoof. She’s been bruised up, cut, and well, being the daring flyer she was, was used to plenty of other things but she’s never had to rely on somepony else to help her. If it wasn’t for Fluttershy she thought to herself, she wouldn’t have survived. The thought made her shiver and she quickly got the thought out of her mind.___

It was now early in the afternoon and Rainbow Dash was so bored she thought she was going to go insane. She was walking around Fluttershys cottage trying to pass the time but it wasn’t working and she was tempted to start bashing her head against the nearest wall to make the boredom end. Fluttershy had gone to ponyville to see if there friends were ok. Fluttershy didn’t want to leave Rainbow Dash in case something happened while she was gone but Rainbow Dash was finally able to talk her into it. Though now she was starting to regret it. It was nice having Fluttershy always around and now she kind of missed her."Ughh hurry up Fluttershy..." she groaned looking out the window at Fluttershys garden. The animals where all out enjoying the beautiful weather while she was stuck inside bored. "This sucks!" Rainbow Dash screamed convinced she was being tortured by somepony as a cruel joke. She looked back outside and a thought crossed her mind "Why should I stay locked up in this boring house when I could be outside enjoying the fresh air?” She thought about it for a second and decided that it wouldn’t hurt to go outside for a little bit and besides she was never going to recover if she sat inside all the time. She walked over to the front door and opened it up. She stepped outside and took a deep breath; the air was cool and refreshing. Rainbow Dash stood there enjoying the fresh air, it had been what seemed like forever since she last enjoyed the outside. "Now that’s more like it" she says as she starts walking around enjoying the fresh air. It hurt to walk but it was worth it, she couldn’t take one more minute of being trapped inside. She looked over and saw where the Everfree forest started and a shiver ran up her back. It had been only a few days since her accident and she still couldn’t stand to look at that place. She turned away quickly trying to suppress the memories of what happened to her. She was the fastest, the coolest, and the awsomest pony in equestria yet she had almost lost it all to a simple storm. She sighed "I’m such a coward" She lowered her head and dropped to the ground. She felt like such a loser, she had never needed to rely on anypony and now here she was relying entirely on Fluttershy. As she sat there looking down at the ground a thought began to grow in her head. If she where to go to the spot where she was hurt so badly she could face her fears and make the nightmares that’s been plaguing her disappear. She smiled and stood back "Alright" she said with a slight bit of fear in her voice "let’s do this". At that she turned and began making her way to the Everfree forest.___

Fluttershy was on her way to ponyville to see her friends. The weather was really nice out and she was glad to be out enjoying it. She felt bad for leaving Rainbow Dash alone but she was very persistent on her leaving. She was glad to be seeing her friends after so long. She hoped everything was alright. She hadn’t see ponyville before the storm and she couldn’t help but worry about her friends. As she was walking she felt a small worry pop into her head. "Oh I hope Rainbow Dash is alright without me" Fluttershy said to herself worried what might be happening to her friend. Ever since what happened to her doing the storm she’s been worried sick about her and leaving her like this wasn’t easy. She stopped and looked up at the beautiful blue sky and took a deep breath. She was Rainbow Dash after all she should be fine by herself. After all she is the bravest and the toughest pony she knew. She sighed and looked down at the dirt path that led to ponyville. She has never seen Rainbow Dash so injured before and the memories of it brought a tear to her eye. She had almost lost one of her best friends and it was all her fault. Now she was leaving her alone just so she could see her other friends. She couldn’t bear the thought of something else happening to her friend. If something did she would never be able to forgive herself. She looked back and could just barely make out the outline of her small little cottage. "Your friends will have to wait Fluttershy." she said to herself as she turned around and started to walk back "You have to take care of Rainbow Dash". She started making her way back to the cottage. She was about a mile or so away from her cottage when she noticed something was different about her place. She stopped and focused her vision to see what was different. As she scanned the cottage her eyes lead her to the problem. The front door was left wide open. "Huh?" she thought to herself as she tried to remember if she accidentally left the door open. She made her way to the front of her house and noticed the door was in fact wide open and that there was something else different too, Rainbow Dash wasn’t there. “Rainbow you there?" she cried out as she walked around the living room. There was no response, just silence. She walked back outside to see if maybe she decided to get some fresh air and that’s when she noticed the hoof prints in the dirt. She walked over to them and examined the prints. As she began to follow the prints she noticed where they were leading to. "Oh no..." Fluttershy said out loud her fears confirmed. The hoof prints lead into the Everfree forest.___

It wasn’t hard to find the spot where it had all happened. When Fluttershy carried her out of the forest she was dropping in and out of reality. She recalled seeing a fallen tree on the path that lead through the forest as well as a small gap in the thick forest that opened up into the riverbed where she had been trapped. As she made her way to the place all the memories of what happened where flashing through her mind. She replayed every moment from the beginning to the end where she watched the water cover her head and felt her life drain away from existence. It was like she was watching some terrible play except she was the main actor. She pushed aside the bushes and brush and found herself in the very spot where it had all happened. The riverbed was mostly dried up and only had a few small spots of water here and there. Rainbow Dash looked over and saw the tree branch that had landed on her. It was bigger than she thought; she looked down and saw a small piece of land that was a little higher than the river bed. She walked over to it and her mind was instantly flooded with memories and flashbacks. She had felt herself blackout from the lack of air and the water flooding her lungs, her last thought was this is it taken out by a simple storm. The next thing she remembers is hearing somepony speaking; she couldn’t hear what was being said. It sounded distorted and muffled. Then she remembered hearing what sounded like crying, she felt something pressed up against her body and hear what seemed like muffled sobs of someone crying. Then she felt something slam down on her chest, and then it happened again and again. Then she opened her eyes and started coughing up water. She looked up and saw someone looking down on her, they had looked familiar and as her vision began to come back to her she saw that it was Fluttershy. She had tears streaming down her face and looked like she just wrestled a bear. Rainbow Dash remembered saying Fluttershy before passing back out and remembers passing in and out of reality. She sighed, "So this is where everything had happened" she said to herself. She was only minutes away from Fluttershys house the whole time and yet she almost didn’t make it. She had never seen Fluttershy so scared and upset before and it was all her fault. She knew better than to try and practice doing a storm but she let her own selfish desires cloud her judgment and she almost lost everything cause of it. Fluttershy had gotten hurt trying to save her and she hasn’t even really thanked her yet. She felt a small tear slide down her face and fell down onto the small piece of land and tried to hold in the emotions trying to escape. The last few days after the accident had been confusing to her. She had begun feeling things she hadn’t felt in years. Her pride was completely broken, her ego was gone and she felt truly broken, but that wasn’t all there was one other emotion she felt that she hasn’t felt in a very long time if not ever. Love, sure she might have liked somepony here or there but she never allowed herself to really ever love anyone. She didn’t have time for love, she needed to practice and get better so that one day she would be able to join the Wonderbolts. Love would have just slowed her down, got in the way of things. After the accident though, the drive to join the Wonderbolts had mostly died and there wasn’t anything keeping her from her emotions. She had always liked Fluttershy since she first met her, she was kind, caring, and in every way the exact opposite of Rainbow Dash. She had suppressed the feelings and tucked them away however so she could focus on training and getting better. She looked up at the sky peeking through the dense forest and sighed again. She felt her mind racing at the thought of Fluttershy and now she felt even more confused than when she had first met her. "Even if I did tell Fluttershy how I felt she would probably just say no anyways" She told herself trying to put a stop to the feelings that where racing through her mind. "You don’t know what she would say and if you keep telling yourself that then you never will" Rainbow Dash said to herself. She shook her head and looked down "great now im talking to myself I must be going crazy" she said out loud confused and annoyed at the same time. "You’re not crazy, you’re in love there’s a difference" Rainbow Dash groaned in response to herself "So what if I am?!" she shouted back at herself. Then she realized what she had just said, she had just admitted to loving Fluttershy out loud. She felt so confused and broken that she just didn’t know what to do anymore. She just sat there looking at the branch that had caused her all these problems. She felt another tear streak down her face leaving a small mark in her fur. She tried to hold back her emotions again but it was becoming increasingly difficult to and she couldn’t keep holding back all her feelings or she'll go crazy.

She looked back up at the sky and felt a cool breeze against her cheek. She was hopelessly confused and didn’t know what to do. She could tell Fluttershy how she felt but what if she didn’t feel the same or what if it ruined their friendship? She couldn’t bear to lose her as a friend. At the thought of losing her as a friend she started to feel another wave of sadness wash over her and she felt as if she was going to actually explode from all the emotions she was trying to hold in. She decided it would be best if she left. She stood up and looked at the branch and the river bed that caused all of this and took a deep breath. She had come here as a fake attempt to regain her ego and pride but deep down she knew that there was nothing she could do to get that back and to be honest she didn’t want it anymore. She went to turn around to leave but before she could she heard someone call her name. She turned around and saw Fluttershy standing there with tears in her eyes next to the path that lead to the river bed. "Oh thank goodness you’re ok!" Fluttershy said surprising Rainbow Dash by hugging her. "Yah I’m fine what are you doing here" She said looking down at Fluttershy who still hadn’t stopped hugging her. "I couldn’t leave you alone just to see our friends so I decided to come back home and when I got there I saw that you weren’t there and I got worried and then I saw your hoof prints in the dirt so I followed them and then I saw that you had went into the Everfree forest and I got even more worried so I followed them to a spot on the dirt path that i recognized and I saw the small path that lead to the old river bed and I found you and I was so worried about you and I just couldn’t..." Fluttershy didn’t get a chance to finish what she was saying. She had been interrupted by Rainbow Dash kissing her; Rainbow Dash wasn’t sure why she did that. Between the all the feelings that have been eating away at her since she first woke up after the accident to now was just too much and seeing Fluttershy like this was more then she could handle. Fluttershy looked at her with confusion in her eyes trying to make since of what had just happened. "I'm sorry it’s just that well..." Rainbow Dash began to say her mind and heart both racing at top speeds. "Ever since I met you I’ve well I uh...I..." she was trying to say it but it was proving to be really hard and she didn’t know what to say or do anymore and she finally allowed herself to let her emotions go. She collapsed onto the ground and began crying. She hasn’t cried in years not since back in flight school and now here she was crying. "I...I...I love you alright?" she said trying to speak in between all the tears that were streaming down her face. "I always have a...an...and I’ve never to...told you because I was...afraid it would ruin our friendship!" She was crying more than she ever had and she was still so confused about what to say. "I understand if you don’t want to be friends with me anymore" Rainbow Dash said managing to say it through all the tears. She was about to say something else but before she could Fluttershy did something that really confused her. She sat down next to Rainbow Dash and kissed her back. It was a deep romantic kiss that made Rainbow Dashes head spin. Time seemed to stop entirely as they kissed, it was the greatest feeling Rainbow Dash had ever felt and she never wanted it to end. When they finally broke up the kiss Rainbow Dash looked at her with confusion and Fluttershy smiled slightly. "I’d never stop being your friend for anything and well..." Fluttershy said with a small blush appearing on her face "I love you too". At hearing those words Rainbow Dash felt like she had just joined the Wonderbolts. All the worries and fears she had, all the emotions she had held in felt like they had just been washed away. "So what now?" Rainbow Dash said finally managing to speak. Fluttershy smiled and stood up, helping Rainbow Dash standup “I... uh guess were...umm together now" Fluttershy said. Rainbow Dash smiled and blushed slightly before walking back towards the main dirt trail. She looked back to Fluttershy "well you coming or what? She said with a tone of playful sarcasm. "Oh uh where are we umm going? Fluttershy said quietly still kind of confused at what all just happened. "Well we need to tell are friends the news don’t we?" Rainbow Dash said still looking at Fluttershy who was now standing next to her. At that they left the Everfree forest and made their way to ponyville.

The End.

Comments

[Kamineigh]

I'll add this to my Read Later list, simply for the title.

[Dark0592]

balancing this out with a thumbs up even though I haven't read it yet simply because a story doesn't need dislikes just because of grammar

[Relevant Heavy Metal]

Rainbow In The Dark - Dio

You. I like you.

[tubaguy]

649343 beat me hear relevant, I was planning this EXACT comment

[Shadowphoenix34]

i don't know about the dislikes, but for me the story is amazing even if there are gramaticamical errors i love the story so far so keep up the good work!!!

[Shiver]

encrypted-tbn1.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQgf1icqzdzcunWdBGjTLd_4CV8sOK9V_2sexBWEGXlN6X5zLQ_9w
Dio approved.

[Fluttershy 117]

649158 ya i typed that out on notepad........needless to say. I got microsoft word

[Fluttershy 117]

649158 ya i typed that out on notepad........needless to say. I got microsoft word>>649212

Also I had a proofreader. but he decided he didnt want to ever read it to do his job. So I had to do my best to fix all the mistakes. Which I failed at doing

[Dark0592]

651618 the mistakes didn't ruin it. it's the pacing. you jump around on a rocket blowing through everything. i said proof reader not editor, a proof reader reads it before- or after- you upload and eitehr revises it and sends it back for your final revision or they tell you exactly what does and doesn't need t be changed story wise. most proof readers do edit as well though. you should go out and read other much more well done very similar stories so you can get a feel for whats good and bad. the idea is a bit overused but that can be balanced with unique and proper execution.

[Fluttershy 117]

649343 holy hell! that's a title to a song?! Wow I just made that title up cause it was fitting for the story......talk about mind blown 0_0"

[Fluttershy 117]

Alright......I fixed as many of the grammar mistakes as possible....and as for it jumping around a lot I apologize. This was my first attempt at writing fanfiction.
Hopefully my next one will be better!

[Relevant Heavy Metal]

652338
I am not sure if you are joking or not, but whatever.

If you have not listened to the entirety of Holy Diver, you need to fix that immediately.
Holy Diver - Dio

[Fluttershy 117]

I actually have not listened to any of his songs

[Firestorm]

I cry out for magic
I feel it dancing in the light
It was cold, lost my hold
To the shadows of the night

No sign of the morning coming
You've been left on your own
Like a Rainbow in the Dark
A Rainbow in the Dark

[RDash]

Ok, first off I just want to say that I really enjoyed this story.
A lot of people mentioned the punctuation and the grammatical errors and yes, there were quite a few, but that (in my opinion) did not have much negative effect on the story. The main problems that I had were the wall of text and the rushed pace at the beginning.

You should really try to make a lot more paragraphs, especially following the whole dialogue rule. This alone will make your story much more enjoyable to read. Also with dialogue, thoughts are usually denoted by italics rather than quotes.
The pace throughout the story (especially the beginning) was extremely fast. Take the time to describe scenes, feelings, thoughts. For example, if I had written this, Rainbow would probably not have gotten hit by the branch at least until the third chapter (with relatively similar chapter lengths). However in yours, Dash was already saved by the storm at the end of the first. Then Dash is hurt for awhile, bored, and then confesses her love for Fluttershy almost immediately after each other. Frankly, I was almost out of breath by the time this was over by how fast the events moved in your story.
Let these scenes develop; show more of Dash hurt in bed, obviously trying to conceal (and failing) her pain, have her do something stupid because of her boredom, or have her fight with herself and make a fool of herself over her love for Shy.

The concept that you have for this story is really great and while it was still a good read, I know that you'd be able to make it 10X better.
I hope that my ramblings may have helped in some way and remember that this is all constructive criticism; i don't mean to sound harsh...just frank.

[Fluttershy 117]

well this was my first fanfic and I have never really wrote any kind of story like this before. I realize it could have been so much better and I do plan on rewriting the entire fanfic eventually, but I will need some people to help me with making sure all the grammar is fixed and that its not as rushed.

[Fluttershy 117]

Wow I cant believe it........my story has gotten to almost a thousand views and 13 thumbs up! I honestly thought this story was a bust for all the hate it got when I uploaded it but now its actually gotten likes......So to all those who read this and liked or loved it please send me feedback cause I really would love to hear it! and cause of all the positive response I might start writing another story soon!

[Fluttershy 117]

omg im 3 views away from reaching a thousand and some body added this story to their favorite! Wow so awesome lol

[2crazyrainbows]

When there's lightning
You know it always brings me down
'Cause it's free and I see that it's me
Who's lost and never found

I cry out for magic
I feel it dancing in the light
It was cold, lost my hold
To the shadows of the night

No sign of the mornin' comin'
You've been left on your own
Like a rainbow in the dark
A rainbow in the dark

Do your demons
Do they ever let you go?
When you've tried, do they hide deep inside?
Is it someone that you know?

You're just a picture
You're an image caught in time
We're a lie, you and I
We're words without a rhyme

There's no sign of the mornin' comin'
You've been left on your own
Like a rainbow in the dark
Just a rainbow in the dark
Yeah

When I see lightning
You know it always brings me down
'Cause it's free and I see that it's me
Who's lost and never found

Feel the magic
I feel it floating in the air
But it's fear and you'll hear
It calling you beware
Look out

There's no sight of the mornin' comin'
There's no sign of the day
You've been left on your own
Like a rainbow
Like a rainbow in the dark
Yeah, yeah

You're a rainbow in the dark
Just a rainbow in the dark
No sign of the mornin'
You're a rainbow in the dark

[Fluttershy 117]

1816135 omg wow again I didnt know dio had a song named this :/........

[Rainbow87dash]

(there's one thing people one this site should know, I'm an arse sometimes and I post random songs, wait.....thats two things)
[youtube=FMrIy9zm7QY]

Lol

[Rainbow87dash]

GAH! Even bigger walls than chapter 2

And again, barely any ompound sentences. Your sentences are running way too long

[One Big Macintosh]

Im not going to talk about grammar and paragraph and all that because its not my place, but i can tell you other things, this was a good story but could be better, add some details and stuff.

Here is Fluttershy taking care of someone that just got hurt, everyone knows how she is when taking care of others, i would never believe that she would let RD get up from bed after something so serious, the same way that is hard to believe that RD was walking just after a tree branch have fallen upon her, yes RD is waaay too reckless but an injured back is no foals play.

And yeah they were happy and all but come on she wasnt able to make the trip to ponyville before and having a marefiend wont change that, out of that it was a nice story, sweet way of telling their feelings, and i was really nervous not knowing if Dash would survive or not.

[Fluttershy 117]

Man, coming back after all these years to see this has still somehow managed to remain somehow liked is very surprising. God I remember writing this thing years ago back on our old Desktop using Notepad. Jesus man, time really flies. Its almost kind of impressive seeing how much ive grown as a writer since I wrote this.

I'll never know how my terrible fanfic ever managed to even get over a 1000 views, rather less so many thumbs up. I honestly figured this would be a complete failure.

[Rainbow sparkle1]

Even though it was horribly executed, the story was great!

Here is my grading scale:

10/10: might make a fanfic reading or an audio drama of this on my YouTube channel

9/10: still might make a reading on my YouTube channel, but probably not an audio drama.

8/10: adding this to my big favorites library

7/10: adding this to my favorites library, not the big faves

6/10: definitely coming back to this in the future.

5/10: might come back.

4/10: might come back once or twice

3/10: definitely not coming back

2/10: giving criticism about the story

1/10: hating the story overall

Even though it was terribly written, here is my grade:7/10

[Rainbow sparkle1]

1816135
I hope that turns into an actual song, i’m not a compser so someone else will have to do it