Oh Lyra...
Brony in Black
Afternoon in Central Park; the perfect time to hang out with your friends, chat, appreciate the beautiful Manhattan view, and also-
Walk around with a magical cane in your hands searching for an alien psychopathic pony. A unicorn to be more precise. Oh Lyra, why? Why have you decided to visit us, today?
"Did you get something in your cane?" Agent J2 asked me, changing the settings of his equipment.
"Not yet." I sighed.
I probably never told you about all the utilities of the Twicanelyzer, did I? Very well, thanks to Princess Twilight, this special tool in enhanced with pretty much everything you need to deal with ponies and magical beings in general. But surely, one of its key apps is undoubtedly the PonyFinder.
No, it's not a relationship website, but an advanced detector system similar to a radar of sorts, the big difference is that PonyFinder utilizes the magical energy traces left behind by Equestrian creatures.
And that's the reason behind our bizarre, and almost nonsensical actions. Such as walking around the park while pointing the Twicanelyzers to the sky. It worked as an antenna, if you wanna know.
"J2... Man, don't you think the police will get suspicious about... Well, this??" I pointed to him, which now just paced in circles around a tree.
"Not at all, they believe this is some kind of bomb detector. Don't worry S, if shit happens, we can still make use of the mind eraser tool. What we can't do now, is let the pony escape from this place."
I just nodded, turning around to check another area. Well, if that's how it's going to be, I better start acting like an idiot too. I picked up my tool, and resumed my walk towards the old oak bridge. The unicorn won't find herself.
My morning? Well, it was gone, and it dragged away my afternoon too. Now the night was falling over our heads, together with a slightly uncomfortable wind, and we still couldn't find the damned pony!
I stopped on my tracks, observing the city lights at distance, and the thought of a hot cup of coffee, probably waiting for me in a nearby cafe. The cane was beeping sporadically, and I sincerely didn't knew what to do anymore.
"Ahhh, for Christ's sake! J2, this can't be possible dude, this shit must be broken!" The Twicanelyzer suddenly started to beep incessantly, showing clear signals of magical energy around us, despite the fact that there was no Lyra to be seen.
"I really don't know what too say, it never acted this way before... It's pointing up to the sky, but I don't think she could have turned herself into a pegasus. Or could she?" He frowned.
"I'm not thinking about wings... I'm certainly more worried about the possibility of this thing leaving Central Park. It's not that difficult considering that this place has- I don't know, dozens of entrances?" I prayed to god I was wrong. New York as one of the largest and populous cities in the world, was surely one of the worst places to perform a successful search operation. I thought about every corner, every alley, every single human Lyra could find. And there were over 9 million of them out there in the megalopolis.
I don't want to think about what would happen if she ever reached Times Square.
We leaned against a tree, our necks ached as hell from all the ups and downs of the day. Literally and metaphorically.
I sighed "I don't know what to-" I was interrupted, as something fell over my head with a thump. "Ouch!" We turned our heads to look at tree right behind us. A heavy and large acorn had just fallen onto my head.
Have you ever had one of those weird insights? Random inspirations? A moment of illumination? Call it whatever you want. Personally, I just felt like Newton when the apple landed on his head. The difference of course was the acorn, the tree, and almost everything, but that's not the case.
I stared at agent J2 with the weirdest smile stamped on my face, looking back and forth to the cane, faintly beeping inside my jacket and the acorn by my side.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I asked, my smile growing even more.
"Ah... That the acorn hit your head harder than I expected?" Ignoring his commentary, I stood up and opened my arms, turning around my feet like a ballet dancer. Okay, it may have looked a little bit gay, but whatever.
"What do you see around us, J2?" I asked.
He thought for a while, then answered "I see... trees?"
"YES!" I screamed "Thousands of trees! They were around us all the time, and we don't even noticed!"
"Agent S, I don't think I'm understanding your point-" He pressed his temples.
"My point? She must be on the trees! The only plausible explanation for this, is that the unicorn stuck herself somewhere inside the tree tops" I stated. J2 thought for a while, he was tired as well, so his mind wouldn't think that fast. His eyes observing the trees around us, as he stood up from his spot.
The older agent evaluated the scene one more time, then stopped by my side. "Well, congratulations agent S, you have a good point there, still, being it true or not we still have a problem."
"Yeah, I know, the missing pony."
"That's a problem too, but I was thinking about something else, and it's a very 'numerous' problem - If you could say that..." J2 rested an arm on my shoulder.
"Just how many trees, do you think there are in Central Park?"
"Agent S, I don't feel comfortable with this. H-hey wait, I'm your superior!" He squirmed under the dark blanket roughly wrapped around his body, except for one of his hands.
"Hey, you was the one who said she had this creepy hand fetish!" I picked up a considerably large flashlight inside the car, along with the massive magic inhibitor gun that J2 smartly decided to bring with us.
"Yes, but I never allowed you to use me as a bait!"
Okay, you might be wondering 'What the hell is just happening', and I have a quite simple answer; Lyra is fascinated by human hands, and we have the hands she want!
There was a spare fire proof blanket inside the car, it was dark and large enough to hide something - or someone. So I just thought: 'Hey, why don't I force J2 to run around the park, while I highlight those beautiful fingers of him, with a pretty light?'
Sounds like a stupid plan, I know, but just between us; We're dealing with Lyra Heartstrings.
"Come on J2, swallow your veteran pride just for a couple of minutes and let's catch this unicorn! I still wanna get home before midnight." He muttered something under the mantle, but fortunately, his voice was muffled thanks to the cloth thickness. So I couldn't understand most of his curses.
"Think positively, my friend; the worst that could happen to you is some unwanted licks on your fingers!" I chuckled, and thanked god for that soundproof mantle.
"Raise your hands John! I think I listened something coming from that tree" I whispered on the radio. "Go go go, walk. I'm right behind you"
As we practically crawled through the tick bushes and foliage, the cane beeped louder and louder inside my pocket. 'She must be here somewhere...' I thought.
Like an eagle, I inspected every single branch thoroughly, looking for my prey. Agent J2 looked like something escaped from the asylum; all wrapped in his blanket, while shaking the only visible hand in the air.
A loud rustle coming from a nearby treetop made us halt; I sharply turned my head to look at it and spotted a dark figure perched over the branches of an old oak.
'Dammit, she's here, I need a quick, clever and calculated plan.'
"OH MY GOD IS THAT A HAND RIGHT THERE?" I screamed and pointed the flashlight beam at agent J2 hand. Yes, I admit it was stupid, but as I said, we're dealing with-
"Hands?"
Lyra...
Sure, at first I doubted that my 'plan' would cause any positive effects, but the unicorn completely ignored my presence and instinctively threw herself over- "Get the fuck off me" Agent J2.
"b]Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod, sweet Faust, I knew it, I knew I would get one!" Lyra shouted, while grabbing his hand with a hoof. "I can finally explore this marvelous apparatus!" Yes, as expected the unicorn knocked him on the ground. On a split of second she unwrapped the blanket of his body, and tied the agent limbs with a magical knot.
"AGENT S, GET THIS CREATURE OUT OF ME!!" Fine... I already had my fun.
While the crazy unicorn entertained herself with his fingers, I lifted the magical inhibitor from my back and aimed at her. 'Say good bye to your magic'
I fired; the recoil made my shoulders wobble as if a boulder had just fallen over my back, a strong electrical pulse left the gun, lightning the woods, and then, it dispersed in mid air. "What the hell! Where did she wen-"
"S, RIGHT BEHIND YOU!"
Something crashed against my neck. "Well well well, what do we have here?!" She wrapped her hooves around my head, I shook my body violently, trying to disentangle myself of her.
I tried to fire over my shoulder - unsuccessfully. Every time I shot, she just teleported out of the gun range like a ghost. And I thought catching unicorns was an easy task...
"Stop- Doing- This- Silly human" Lyra said while dodging the gunfire, she finally popped out right in front of me and grasped one of my legs, throwing me off balance.
"Whoaaa!" I collapsed on the ground, the gun slipped away from my hands.
"Now Now..." She climbed on top of me "What delicious finges you have!"
"Ewwwwwwwww, let me go your weird-" *BOOM*
Everything went silent as her body limply fell on the ground as a dry leaf. I turned my head to the side, and spotted agent J2 with the smoking gun in his hands.
"D-did you killed her??" I stood up abruptly and hurriedly checked the pony in front of me expecting the worst.
He just giggled.
"Don't worry, she's fine. At least I think so... I was forced to use the max power of this thing." Placing the Magic Inhibitor back on its place, he sighed. "Lyra is sleeping, that's all. At least for a while." Picking up the blanket, he wrapped it around the unicorn unconscious body, and lifted her like a baby.
Dammit, I almost suffered a heart attack when he shot her. I like ponies, I really do, that's why I accepted the job in the first place. The last thing I wanted was a dead one in my first mission.
"She looks so lovely and innocent this way." I said, Lyra quietly snoring on his arms "And, what do we do now?" I asked.
"Well, now we have to drive back to the base, and send her home with another memory lapse..." As we headed to the car, I checked my clock; It was almost 10 pm. Heck, not even a mobster takes this long to get captured by the cops.
Placing the mint green pony on the backseat, we got inside the vehicle. Booth of us sighing. Fuck it, we sighed as hell today.
"So, that was surely the day!" We giggled.
"Yeah agent S, It was a hard one. Don't let it put your expectations down though, you just had the misfortune of meeting her on your first day." He pointed over his shoulder to the unicorn. "What do you say S - we had a helluva job today, I give you a day off tomorrow, okay?"
"Sweet Jesus Christ, thank you! I mean... Well that's okay for me." We laughed, yes... We could laugh for a while, at least until the next-
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well alrighty then
In. "Afternoon in Central Park"
Exacter is not a proper form of exact. Also, it should be "a" not "an" in this particular case.
On, not in. Also no ending punctuation.
"are going to get suspicious", not is.
Should be "it's", as in the short form of "it is".
Was, not were.
Too with two o's and "it's" again instead of "its"
And I'm stopping there, because I can already tell I have only scratched the surface here. Two bits of advice: 1) Spellcheck is your friend, and 2) rather then have your readers do all the work, perhaps it's time you got an actual editor or two before you posted something littered with this many mistakes. Truthfully, the premise alone if the only thing that is keeping me reading by this point.
4106535 Thanks...
I'm not asking for my readers 'to do all the work', if they want to help me improve the story, who am I to deny? For I'm no J.R.R. Tolkien, and English is not my native language. I know pretty much, that's not an excuse for my grammar problems. But I don't have good experiences with previous editors, I'll do what I can to fix this; spellcheck, etc...
- PedroHander
I think "Sweet Zacherle" would be a little more appropriate
4107988 Lauren Faust will always be our mother!
4108046 But she didn't create MLP
4108062 No, but she developed the show format that's the true reason of why (almost) everyone here... Well; is here. Without her, we wouldn't have the MLP that we idolize today, that is in fact the 'Friendship is Magic'.
If this was the prologue so more awesomr willl come!!!
I laughed.
Just a small tip. Don't overuse the ellipsis, aka the row of three periods (...)
I mean it's great to have it as an indicate of an unfinished thought, a slight pause, or simply an awkward silence. It creates more suspense and all that shizz. But if used too much, writing will look unprofessional and people will tend to misinterpret many sentences and dialogue.
And one more tip, if you were a member of a top secret alien monitoring agency, you wouldn't expose your civilian/former identity or the identities of your fellow agents out loud in the public, would you? But if you still insist of wanting to add in characterization, try to add in a letter name for you agents.
For example:
Agent S = Agent Ess
Agent J2 = Agent Jay-two or just Agent Jay
I'm sorry if this was mean in any way. I'm just very picky when it comes to these. Keep up with the good work man!
4133766 Thanks! I really appreciate when someone show me these little mistakes and etc... Really helps a lot.
I usually revise my stories frequently, and I'll surely remember to fix these next time
4133789 A great prologue and I can't wait for more!
4133789 It's been over a month...update?...
Concept has potential, but the delivery leaves something to be desired. I recommend you get a proofreader. It's like every second or third sentence has something wrong with it.
Stuff like this makes me wonder if you're even trying. Half this chapter is in bold because you didn't close the BBCode. You would have noticed that if you'd even so much as looked at it after publishing.
Did you get something in your cane
police are gonna get
Also, "gonna" isn't a word. It's a mispelling of "going to."
http://learnersdictionary.com/definition/gonna
Deliberately misspelling "going to" as "gonna" is a valid writing technique for the purpose of providing characterization to the speech of a character who speaks poorly. However, in your case since English is not your first language and there are so many other mistakes, it comes across not as the character speaking poorly, but as you writing poorly.
If shit happens
"will not" is technically correct, but reads strangely. Try "won't."
Can't do that in English. Try this instead:
My morning? It's gone. My afternoon, too!
searching for this
Beeped incessantly. "Biped" means "has two legs." For example, humans are bipeds. Ponies are quadrupeds.
There are several things wrong with this.
Try:
I don't understand this either. It's just pointing up to the sky, but I don't think she could have turned herself into a pegasus. Could she?
I'm not thinking about wings. I'm certainly more worried.
worried about the possibility of her leaving Central Park.
spent almost an entire day just searching inside the park. How much time
This is altogether incorrect. Here are two possible ways to fix it:
How much time would we need to spend searching the city?
How much time would it take to search the entire city?
I sighed. "I really don't know what to-" *thump* "Ouch!"
We turned our heads to the tree behind us. A slightly large acorn had just fallen onto my head.
Have you ever had a sudden insight? Random inspiration? A moment of illumination? Call it whatever you want.
his head. The difference
Incorrect use of dash. You're not interrupting yourself. And I don't even understand what you're referring to when you say "But that's not the case!"
Completely awkward phrasing, and some incorrect and missing words. Try:
I looked at Jay with the most bizarre grin I could manage, then glanced back and forth between the Twicanelizer beeping faintly inside my jacket and the acorn at my side.
Anyway, again: a lot of mistakes being made here. I advise getting a proofreader.
4402912 Sorry about the shit-ton of errors, this story is passing through rewrite (old story, my English was terrible [non native], etc...) My new works pass through editing but unfortunately, this one has not yet passed. Thanks for informing me though, I really appreciate.
You can see your error... bold was mussed up