• Member Since 27th Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 2nd, 2018

The Lunar Samurai


If you are enjoying my stories, I thank you. Nothing means quite as much to me as someone really appreciating what I put out into the world. So, from the bottom of my heart... Thank You.

T
Source

It came with little warning of the devastation it would bring. Those few gentle wisps of light brown fog that crept across our farmland gently put out daisies to sleep. It was not fast, lethal, or dangerous, so we ignored it, but it did not ignore us. Slowly it rose, filling the valley we farmed for our livelihood. It rose to our knees, our garden began to perish. It rose to our stomachs, our wheat withered away. It rose to our necks, our corn began to die. It reached the trees, the apples no longer grew. It reached our ears, and then the whispers came.

The wraith took everything we had.
Our crops
Our homes
Our lives
Our children
Our nation.

In the midst of this evil fog stands a mentally unstable stallion on the brink of death. His name is Constance.

This is the story of a nation divided, a stallion broken, and a society upturned. This is the story of the Wraith.

A huge thanks to Auramane for Editing and Joey for the idea.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 7 )

It sure has been a while since posting here. It feels good to stretch my fingers once more.

So far so good. The prologue does set up the mood of the story and I like how you show the backstory for your main character. However, I think you need some line breaks between different scenes in the chapter, like having one between Constance his mom (after his father's death that is) and when Constance lives with his grandfather. That way, it doesn't make the story seem clumped together. Just a suggestion, though.

Still, keep on writing. I can't wait to see how this story turns out!

-W.S.

3978524
The writing dynamic was very fluid when I wrote the grandfather part. The rest of the story is paced much slower. My goal was to create a sense of scaling time by making it speed up toward the end, like everything was becoming less spectacular and more routine.

Well done. That was very good. I'll have to read more of your stuff now.

3979810
Excellent, the lures are working.

3979810
Yeah, it's not like I've been asking you to read his stuff for months.

I think the imagery was good and it gives some back-story to the Wraith. I'm entirely sure if it fits, since you had a battle, but it's only chapter 2 and you probably have a lot more to write about later on.

Either way, I'm still interested in what happens next. Keep it up!

-W.S.

Login or register to comment