• Published 27th Mar 2012
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Fallout Equestria: Tales of the Wastes - G-man64



The wastes of Equestria have many stories I'm known as the Storyteller and I'll tell you a few.

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Chapter 2: Origins of the Hoofregon 5

Tales of the Wastes Chapter 2: Origins of the Hoofregon 5
"I forgot how fucked up everything was out here."

O.K. so a ghoul, a zebra, a buffalo, a teen-age dragon, a griffin, and their pet parador walk into a bar. It may seem like a set up to a bad joke but in the city of Hoofregon it’s a way of life. Every Tuesday this random team of adventurist mercenaries meets up at Hoofregon’s main watering hole. First off is the ghoul Dr. Rottinghan. He always wears a lab coat and glasses. He is also smarter then he appears which is pretty dang smart. He even used to work for a post-war lab (due to similar work in a pre-war one), and is basically their leader. The red scaled dragon is known as Dracu and believes himself to be the leader (although they all know the leader is Dr. Rottinghan). Then there’s the buffalo, one look and you’ll notice something odd about him. One of his horns is artificial. He lost his real horn years before they all met in a completely different mission, hence, his nickname that he goes by IronHorn. Next is the griffin Gordon. He’s big, he’s strong, and he’s boastful. He thinks he can do everything himself. He grew up with two other griffins you’ll learn about later. There’s also Zevron. She’s the zebra. She carries a special zebra shotgun which is enhanced so that it can fire armor piercing rounds or hollow point so she’s prepared for any situation. She just needs to pick a trigger and pull it (right for hollow point left for armor piercing). She has a glyph tattoo that looks like the gems that power her shotgun’s abilities. Lastly, there’s Fluff’n’Stuff the parador. He’s kinda like a mascot. They classify him as a pet so they can say there’s five of them. But he’s a capable fighter. He was Dr. Rottinghan’s final experiment before leaving the lab. You’re probably thinking the same thing I was when I first heard about this group HOW IN CELESTIA’S SWEET NAME ARE THEY STILL ALIVE!!!!! Well you know what they say, Luck favors the stupid (hence, the term dumb luck). But enough. Let’s get to the tale of how they began.

***************************************************************************************************************
It was some time ago ago in that bar when a large griffin with blue streaked feathers and bulky blue armor walked in and asked a simple question.

“Where’s my contact? I was hired, and told to meet him here,” he said with a frustrated tone. “I swear to the Great Egg this had better not be a joke… again,” he thought.

“I hear that,” said a red dragon sitting at a table, “name’s Dracu and I have the same problem.”

“Same with me,” said a buffalo with an artificial horn.

“Me as well,” replied a zebra with a shotgun that had a gem in each barrel slung across her back.

“Don’t tell me I’m workin with a zebra,” said the griffin.

“Well,” said the zebra “Don’t tell me I’m working with a dragon.”

“Yeh, I don’t care too much for buffalos,” said Dracu.

“As do I feel against griffins,” replied the buffalo.

Then a raspy voice from the other side of the bar said “Well too bad for all of you cause I’m the one who hired all of you to work together.” From out of the shadows stepped a ghoul in a lab coat and thick glasses, “The names Dr. Rottinghan and, last I checked, you’re all mercs. So learn to get along or no one’s getting paid.”

“You gotta be kidding me,” all the mercenaries said, “I was hired by a ghoul.”

“HEY!” Rottinghan spat back, “I may be a ghoul but my mind’s sharp as ever and my caps are good as the next guy’s. So liven up and introduce yourselves to each other.”

“Fine,” replied the griffin, “names Gordon.”

“I’m Zevron,” said the Zebra.

“I am known as IronHorn,” said the buffalo.

“And as was already stated, I’m Dracu,” said the dragon.

“Right. I’m sure you four are wondering why you’re here,” Rottinghan said.

“I can’t speak for any of the others you hired, but I know I am,” Zevron replied.

“Simply put, I needed multiple mercenaries, and you four were the only ones that together fit in my price range,” Rottinghan said gladly. “We’re breaking into the lab I used to work in to take back an experiment.”

“YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME,” Dracu yelled “WE’RE BREAKING INTO AN EGGHEAD’S PLAYGROUND!?!?!”

“HEY,” yelled Rottinghan back, “I WORKED AT THAT LAB FOR APROXIMATELY ONE HUNDRED YEARS. NOW WE’RE GETTING BACK MY LIFES WORK EVEN IF IT KILLS US ALL!!!!!”

“Wait,” replied IronHorn, “what?”

“Nothing,” Rottinghan replied darting his eyes back and forth. “Look, are you in or out? I got the caps, but you gotta do the job.”

Gordon was the first to reply with a somber “Yes.”

Next was Zevron replying with “Alright,” but in her mind thinking, “I’m going to take these suckers for every cap they got.”
After that was Dracu and he said, “Fine, but I’m charging double.”

IronHorn was last to agree and he simply said “I’ll help.”

“Alright then,” Rottinghan replied, “Here’s the plan: we’re entering on hoof or foot in Dracu and Gordon’s cases, then splitting into teams of two. The lab is set up in a way that the three sections of research are down three halls ending at the entrance to the boss’s room. Gordon and Zevron will take the west wing devoted to technology. IronHoof and Dracu will take the east wing devoted to flora.”

“Two things,” Dracu interrupted, “what’s flora and where are you?”

“Flora are plants, and I’ll be tackling the center hall devoted to beasts on my own,” Rottinghan answered. “Now that you all know the plan let’s do this.”

***************************************************************************************************************

They began their trek towards the lab with Rottinghan insisting Gordon turn his radio to DJ EyP.

“Come on,” Rottinghan whined, “I love that guy.”

“First off,” Gordon replied, “stop complaining.”

“HEY!!!!! I AIN’T COMPLAINING! I’M WHINING! YOU WANNA HEAR COMPLAINING!?!?!”

“Not particularly, but back on subject. Second off, this radio is for emergencies only, so that means receiving or sending emergency broadcasts. THAT IS IT!!!!!”

“Ya know,” Zevron chimed in, “I hear his great, great, et cetera grandfather was a war hero.”

“Wow,” IronHorn replied, “What about his great, great, et cetera grandmother?”

“She was a teacher.”

“That’s it?” asked Dracu.

“Well if you ask me, being the teacher of the three founders of Stable-Tec is a big deal.”

”Wait,” Rottinghan stopped her, “are you implying EyP’s the great, great, et cetera grandson of Big Macintosh and Cheerilee?”

“Yes, why?”

“I thought Big Mac had a child with Maripony?”

“This was before that. It was before the war. When the war began and he joined the Equestrian Army, Cheerilee left him. At least that’s what they say. They also say Applejack, the Mare of the Ministry of Wartime Technology, gave her a special gift shortly before the spells began, to remind her that she still thought of her as family.”

“Back on subject,” Rottinghan said turning back to Gordon, “come on I wanna hear DJ EyP,” he continued.

“FINE!!!” Gordon yelled, “What station is it?”

“133.7,” Rottinghan said gladly as Gordon reluctantly tuned the radio.

A voice then came out of the formerly silent radio;

“Hey there, everypony in the wastes, this is your ol’ earth pony pal DJ EyP preachin the earth pony way from Hoofregon, to our coast, and everywhere in between including Railton. Though, in a much different way than another certain pony from the same stable as my parents. Hey everypony hear the news? An old friend of the Hoofregon Republican Army, a scarlet pegasus who through legend is known as The Defender is headed west. That’s gunna put him through Ponyville and the Everfree forest. But I’m sure he and the unicorn he’s with can make it through. Especially if the rumors about her are true. I’d be more worried about the path towards there. There have been rumors of a group of pegasi bandits who use their weather manipulation to distract their victims. But if I know The Defender, he’ll be alright. Let’s leave this discussion with a song from the Mare of the Ministry of Moral Pinkie Pie with ‘You Got to Share, You Got to Care’.

We may be divided
But of you all, I beg…

As soon as this song began, IronHorn asked, “Could we PLEASE TURN THAT RACKET OFF?!?!”

“Sheesh,” Dracu said as Gordon turned off the radio, “what’s your problem with Pinkie?”

“Nothing,” IronHorn replied, “I just don’t like that song.”

***************************************************************************************************************

The five unlikely allies eventually got to the lab Rottinghan used to work at. Luckily, someopony never changed the card readers and his old ID card worked to get them in.

“You all remember the plan right?” Asked Rottinghan.

“I think so,” replied Zevron.

“Probably,” replied Gordon.

“Yes,” replied Dracu.

“Of course,” replied IronHorn.

“Alright let’s go,” Rottinghan said.

Once inside they split up.

Dracu and IronHoof headed into the east wing.

“Man,” Dracu said, “I don’t like the looks of these plants.”

“Come now,” IronHorn responded, “you are a dragon. How can you be afraid of plants?”

“Clearly you’ve never been to the Everfree Forest. Otherwise you’d know of the dangers some plants can hold...”

As soon as he said that a black mushroom on a random log started moving.

“LIKE THAT!” He yelled breathing fire onto the offending shroom.

“W-W-W-What was that!?”

“A black fungus,” Dracu replied in an irritated voice, “they’ve clearly been experimenting on weaponizing the already deadly plants of the forest.”

“Who knew plants could kill?” IronHorn asked confused.

“I did and I learned it the hard way. Now come on. Let’s go before we find some killer joke.”

“Yes, let us go. Wait some, WHAT? That’s kind of a dumb name for a deadly plant.”

***************************************************************************************************************
The same time this was going on Gordon and Zevron were going down the opposite side and meeting multiple technological advancements that chose to be trouble.

“By the Great Egg,” Gordon explained firing his magical energy weapon battle saddle (which he nicknamed “The Express” due to its incredibly fast firing rate, the fact that it fires yellow-orange plasma, and him believing he is the only one strong enough to lift it). “What weren’t they making here?”

“How should I know?” Zevron replied, a noticeable tinge of anger in her voice. “If you wanted to know that you should’ve asked Rottinghan before we began,” she said pulling the left trigger on her zebra shotgun letting the armor piercing shot fly through a Sentinel Bot.

“Yeh, I probably should have, but too late now.” he said turning another turret into a pile of goop.

While he was doing this, a Sentry Bot rolled up behind him ready to fire. But Zevron was faster and took it out before it had a chance.

“Be careful you boastful blue nincompoop.” She told him.

“Meh, no promises.”

***************************************************************************************************************

Rottinghan was heading down the center passage surrounded by cages.

“Specimen 2217, specimen 2218, here we go specimen 2219,” he said opining the cage, letting out a purple ball of fluff with wings and a stinger, “FLUFF’N’STUFF!!!” He yelled gleefully. “Now to meet those mercs. By the goddesses manes. I hope they’re still alive. There’s no way I can kill my former boss on my own.”

***************************************************************************************************************
Eventually, the five finished their respective wings and met in the administrative area.

“Alright, now to finish this,” Rottinghan said.

“Finally this will be…” Zevron stopped herself having noticed the purple fuzz ball flying behind the ghoul doctor. “BY THE STARS, WHAT IS THAT DEMONIC MONSTER!?” She exclaimed confusedly.

“This, my striped friend is Fluff’n’Stuff. He’s my last creation. The one I told you about. You know, the one we’re here to free. He’s a parador.”

“Parador?” asked IronHorn in a confused tone, “Aren’t they the deadly mutated parasprite’s found on The Big 52?”

“Well yes,” Rottinghan replied, “but I’ve trained this little guy since he was a cub, and I did some alterations to his DNA so he’s not quite as…” he paused, looking for the right word, “killie.” Rottinghan continued with a smile.

“Wait. First a buffalo, then a ghoul, and now a deadly feral beast. THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR!!!” Dracu yelled.

“WELL IT DON’T MATTER WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR. THE FACT IS THAT THIS IS WHAT YOU GOT!” Rottinghan continued, “Just one more part to this mission. Then you can all leave. We just gotta kill my old boss and be on with our lives.”

“Well then, let us be done,” IronHorn said, lowering his head to knock the door down.

After three attempts he finally got it done and the five were in a room with nothing but a desk with a broken terminal on it and an office chair.

“You kidding me?”Gordon proclaimed, “The dude high tailed it out of here, didn’t he?”

“Actually,” a small voice came from the other side of the chair, “I’m right here.”

“Professor Blattaria,” Rottinghan said, “today is the day you die.”

“Oh,” the voice said swinging around the chair, “IS IT!?” When the chair was finished swinging, it was revealed that the voice was coming from a radroach.

“This is a joke right?” Zevron asked confused, “there’s a speaker on this radroach, isn’t there?”

“This is no joke,” Rottinghan claimed with spite in his voice. “He was my greatest creation: the perfect radroach smarter, stronger, faster. But he became too powerful and overtook the previous boss. After a few months I quit.”

“HE’S A RADROACH,” Gordon yelled, LET’S JUST SQUASH HIM.” With this he lifted a claw and attempted to squish it like a normal bug. However, this failed.

“Did I forget to mention his exoskeleton is as hard as Power Armor?”

“Steel Ranger or Enclave?” Zevron asked.

“Somewhere between,” Rottinghan replied.

“Well this pierces armor, so I’ll just take him out.” Zevron then tried to fire on the roach, only for it to jump out of the way. “What the?”

“I said he was faster. I have a plan which is hey?” He stopped himself mid thought sniffing at the air, “You smell smoke?”

“Yeh, Dracu set the whole east wing on fire. I guess it spread.” IronHorn claimed.

“Don’t pin this all on me. It was you who kept getting attacked by plants,” Dracu replied angrily.

“Let’s get out before we all die.” Zevron said.

“Not until…wait,” Rottinghan said. “Where’s Blattaria?”

“Probably high tailed it out of here LIKE WE SHOULD IF WE WANT TO LIVE!” Zevron responded.

“Fine. He wins this round, but at least we saved Fluff’n’Stuff.”

With that, the four mercenaries, the ghoul, and the Parador left the burning lab and headed back to the bar.

***************************************************************************************************************
“Well, gotta say that wasn’t too bad,” Rottinghan said.

“We were nearly burned to a crisp, killed by plants or technology, and lost to a radroach, and you say that wasn’t too bad?” Zevron replied confusedly.

“Well we’re all still alive and we found Fluff’n’Stuff, so that’s good in my books. But the fact that Blattaria is still alive means this isn’t over, and as long as we’re still a team let’s think of a name.”

“The Wanderer’s of the Wastes?” IronHorn asked.

“Mismatched Misfit’s?” Zevron recommended.

“Firebolts?” Dracu asked.

“Gordon’s Gang?” Gordon said with a grin across his beak.

“Celestia, no. We’re going with The Hoofregon 5.” Rottinghan said gladly.

“But there are six of us counting Fluff’n’Stuff.” Zevron said.

“We’ll classify him as a mascot. Everyone with me?”

“Yep,” IronHorn said.

“I still prefer my idea but I guess yours is fine too,” Gordon said.

“Meh, better than mine,” Dracu said.

“Alright,” Zevron said, though she was thinking, “I’ll let them keep their caps they seem like a fine team.”

“Then it’s settled. Until Professor Blattaria is eliminated we’re the mercenary team-The Hoofregon Five-to us.” Rottinghan said lifting a drink for a toast.

Footnote: Level up (Rottinghan)

New Perk: Whining Presence - You can whine your way out of almost every situation. During certain encounters you gain special dialogue options that let you avoid combat, but you’ll lose reputation.

Team Perk: Hoofregon Luck – You five should be dead yet you’re not so long as you five are this team of mercs you get +2 to Luck.

Footnote: Level up (Gordon)

New Perk: Extra Special – You can put a single extra point into any of your S.P.E.C.I.A.L. attributes. You now 20% quicker (Agility).

Team Perk: Hoofregon Luck – You five should be dead. Yet, you’re not. So long as you five are this team of mercs you get +2 to Luck.

Footnote: Level up (Dracu)

New Perk: A Little Dash – While wearing light armor or no armor, you run 20% faster.

Team Perk: Hoofregon Luck – You five should be dead. Yet, you’re not. So long as you five are this team of mercs you get +2 to Luck.


Footnote: Level up (IronHorn)

New perk: stonewall - You are much less likely to be knocked down in combat.

Team Perk: Hoofregon Luck – You five should be dead. Yet, you’re not. So long as you five are this team of mercs you get +2 to Luck.

Footnote: Level up (Zevron)

New Perk: Rapid Reload - All your weapon reloads are 25% faster than normal.
Team Perk: Hoofregon Luck – You five should be dead. Yet, you’re not. So long as you five are this team of mercs you get +2 to Luck.

Rottinghan’s S.P.E.C.I.A.L.
Strength: 2
Perception: 5
Endurance: 7
Charisma: 3
Intelligence: 9
Agility: 5
Luck: 9

Gordon’s S.P.E.C.I.A.L.
Strength: 9
Perception: 7
Endurance: 7
Charisma: 3
Intelligence: 3
Agility: 6
Luck: 5

Dracu’s S.P.E.C.I.A.L.
Strength: 7
Perception: 5
Endurance: 7
Charisma: 4
Intelligence: 4
Agility: 8
Luck: 5

IronHorn’s S.P.E.C.I.A.L.
Strength: 8
Perception: 5
Endurance: 8
Charisma: 3
Intelligence: 5
Agility: 7
Luck: 4

Zevron’s S.P.E.C.I.A.L.
Strength: 5
Perception: 7
Endurance: 6
Charisma: 4
Intelligence: 6
Agility: 7
Luck: 5