Join "Jack", as he will travel all over Equestria looking for answers to one question. Read the story to find out what that question is, but for now, enjoy some words. Word word word word word word.
Chapters (4)
Mr Blu Shy
Joined 14th Jan, 2013 ·
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What. The. Fuck.
I take it that this isn't your type of story.
Much swearing. Much censor. So not to read.
Buddy ease down the swearing and this story is very cliché I'm afraid.
Lesbian, really
Wat
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Great, we have an edgy-as-fuck, angsty teenager for our protagonist......This is going to be fun.
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No. Just, no. If you're going to label someone as lesbian, have a better reason that "she has a rainbow coloured mane". And what kind of idiot calls someone 'lesbian' when referring to them in a conversation?
Congratulations, OP. I'm only one the first chapter and already I want this character to die.
Anyways, you've got a lot of cliches in this such as the "2edgy4me angsty teenager", the "goes to Equestria by dying", the "Equestria > Earth". Might want to tone down on those.
The censorship of the swears is completely unecessary. If you're going to censor the swearing in a piece of literature, don't bother putting swears in at all.
You pacing is incredibly fast and I would advise on slowing down the fic a little bit. This whole chapter could have easily been 2-3k words. 4k if you were dedicated. But you've shortened it down to 1.4k words and it greatly decreases the quality of the fic.
Also advisable to include paragraphs so the text gets broken up and isn't as much of a strain on the reader's eyes. A couple of taps with the enter key can go a long way.
Well, the protagonist is unlikable, the pacing is awful, and the 'hates earth and everyone on is' teenager with a terrible and depressing life routine trope is an awful idea to go with when writing a story. And Rainbow Dash is a lesbian! Because that joke hasn't been done to death, right?
By the way, don't censor swear words; you may as well not bother including them if you do.
Doublespace paragraphs. This is not a suggestion, this is a goddamned commandment. On a physical, printed page, singlespaced paragraphs are practical, they save ink, paper, and time. On the Internet, though, they just run together and look sloppy. I can't even properly evaluate a story that doesn't have doublespaced paragraphs because I can't stand to look at it.
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awesome chapter you are doing a amazing job
3976906 thats the point
3979309
Yeah no. You don't want a protagonist that everybody hates. If a movie had a protagonist who had a whiny nasally voice that hurt your ears, would you want to put up with that for an hour and a half?
It's the same with fiction. If you can't stand reading what the protagonist says or does, are you really going to continue reading it?
If people want the protag to die. That's a bad thing.
3979718
Now if only this had an antagonist that is likeable.
Then having a protag that we hate is a good thing.
3979734 Shhh, you'll give everyone the enitre plot!
So, you realized hate is a strong word...
wonderful, truly wonderful.
Layin' on real thick with the gay jokes, aren't ya?
No, not really, no.
3979734 A dislikable protagonist you could manage if it were done well. This unfortunately is not. Main issues have already been covered by Stiggerzz, but I think absolutely atrocious language is what gets me steamed. Let's take a random passage as an example:
Just looking at the first sentence of that paragraph: inconsistency in tense usage for a start (As I walked, I remembered the park); the repetition of 'and' is inelegant and lacks any of the effects one usually tries to achieve through its use (e.g. echoing back to something); pointless sentence (why tell us about him remembering being stabbed if it does absolutely nothing, i.e. setting the scene, developing the character, describing his mental state, etc.).
Third and fourth sentences could be condensed, again to make the language flow better as it devolves into a juvenile and purely descriptive staccato at this point. A village having markets (I'm assuming a farmer's market that you'd have in a pre-industrial world) seems a little unlikely, and may rankle with one's suspension of disbelief, especially if one's ever lived in a small village.
The swearing and semi-censoring thereof is mostly pointless. Yes, someone may swear constantly, but more often than not it makes them seem more juvenile and ridiculous than seriously angry. In addition, the censoring is sincerely obnoxious. It's not as if one is entirely unable to guess the swear word. As Stiggerzz says, it would have probably been better to avoid swearing entirely.
For completeness' sake, I also want to mention the following passage as well:
Whereas in the previous passage the problem was the short staccato sentences, this one's problem is that the first is ridiculously long. If it were better phrased and more tidily/elegantly expressed it could work, but as it stands, the first line is too long, too cumbersome and too clumsily cobbled together. Also, I almost thought you're protagonist was turning into that Valley Girl stereotype with the multiple 'like's, which happens because the speaker is so inconsistently and clumsily written.
Mark you, this is all gathered from two passages. I dread to think how much editing would be needed to bring the rest of this story up to, well, passable snuff.
EDIT: Also, I suspect that using the word 'lesbian' in so derogatory a fashion is tantamount to discriminatory speech, which is a criminal offence here in the United Kingdom, at least, and thus not a laughing matter. If you were aiming for comedy, then you've entirely missed the point.
3980680 well, sorry i tried then, i am only 16, and i have some problems with literature, you would possibly be willing to go over it for me and edit some parts to make it better?
3981739 I am 15, and you sir, are an absolute disgrace to us. People like you, are why we get such a horrible, bleeding, troglodyte reputation.
3984479 well then... brb, just gonna kill myself
[ps; im a suicidal person, not a joke] please dont call me a disgrace as it doesnt help my self-esteem or conditon. thank you for being a nob.
3981739 Had I the time, I would probably say yes. However, I've not merely work but essays to write for my university courses, so unfortunately I can't take you up on that.
I would recommend perhaps 4 ways to improve your writing (and these are by no means the only way to do it):
Firstly, be extremely careful when reading afterwards for more technical mistakes (spelling, punctuation, grammar, etc.). These tend to be the things that annoy readers most often and are also the most straightforward to fix.
Secondly, read as much as you can. In this sense it's a bit like learning by example. The more you read and the more diversely you read helps you as a writer by exposing you to themes, language, vocabulary, styles, plots and ways of thinking that you might not have encountered. Consider how different authors write. Are there modes, expressions, genres that these authors use/invoke/hark back to?
If you want a good spread of how diverse literary ideas may be, go have a read of, say, Dickens, Austen, Shakespeare, Kafka, Lovecraft, Joyce, Smollett, Vonnegut, and you will see how different their respective approaches are. The kind of rich metaphors Shakespeare uses in his plays would be utterly alien in the legal satire of a Kafka comedy. Similarly, Dicken's vibrant caricatures would feature strangely if they ever appeared in Vonnegut's cynical Realism. Jane Austen's concerns about the comings and goings of country gentlemen and ladies would be impossible in the weird geometries of Lovecraft's comic horrors. Joyce's allusive and poetic language would be ridiculously ornate for a picaresque novel by Smollett.
For a writer the most basic step is understanding the how,- how does this author explore this, how does that author think about that, etc,- and becoming conscious of the way authors work their magic is one big step into developing into a mature author as it forces you to think about how you write.
Thirdly, and this is going to only be a concern if you choose to write realist fiction, just spend more time listening to how people speak and interact. Behavior and some measure of consistency helps convince your readers that the character their reading is real or at the very least grounded in reality. Things like dialect, expressions, gestures, semantics, grammar tell a lot about a character to a reader as a narrator can. You for example wouldn't even need adverbs to describe the way someone speaks as their dialogue does that all already.
I recommend reading this fic by TheVulpineHero1 (http://www.fimfiction.net/story/74427/1/three-mares-in-a-boat/three-mares-in-a-boat). Inspired by a piece of comic realist fiction from the late 1800s, but there's a lovely moment when Applejack and Rainbow Dash are arguing. Without needing to say 'Applejack said' and 'Rainbow Dash said', the strength of their dialogue, with their respective figures of speech and dialects, makes the entire scene work very, very smoothly.
Finally, spend time with people. The more time you spend, the more you become aware of the depths people have. What makes them tick, what drives them to doing things, why people are given to certain emotions at certain times. What often makes realist fiction so powerful is how real and how psychologically relatable their characters are. A reader understands both the joy and the grief of the character who develops as the story goes along. The ability to write this generally comes from experience more than just reading books, as people act as logically as they do illogically, which makes it hard for a young writer to really get a grasp on how real people would act if they were placed in a given situation.
You have to gradually improve, which comes with experience more than time. Saying that you're 16 is one defence against some of the criticism, but only so long as you're aware that it is one that will only last for a short time. For that reason I'd concentrate on improving your literary abilities rather than necessarily caring too much about some of the less constructive criticism that comes your way at this stage.
Remember: very, very few ever wrote well at the age of 16, which is why you shouldn't worry too much about how this story might be received. Don't be discouraged and keep on hammering away. Even the greatest authors have to start somewhere before they become truly great.
3984479 I'd probably avoid being too harsh, if I were you. Putting down someone like this does make you look more juvenile than I think you'd want to look, especially considering you're 15.
3987304 I only just posted it, im still editing it, gimme a sec, would ya?
3987325
I have yet to read this, but can tell from the comments that it needs work... a lot of work. But, I'll just jump right into it, and see what's the problem is.
i like it, i mean, its really intersting, ITS THE FIRST TIME I SEE THE MAIN CHARACTER STARTING THE RELATION WITH THE WRONG FOOT WITH THE MAIN SIX THAT BAD. THIS STORE HAS A LOT OF POTENTIAL I KNOW THAT FOR SURE.
I have to admit, first it was really crushing how he first acted to the ponies at first, but i read many stories and thought i love clishes its almost allways the same, the main character almost inmediatily make friendship with the main six. keep the good work, u just got a thumb up.
Welp, this was awful.
awesome chapter you are doing a amazing job. Ignore them you are doing a great job on your story honestly i like see what happen next on your story
awesome chapter you doing a a amazing job i can't for the next chapter
FINALLY, thanks man, really, i just started my own FIMFICTION, check it out, if u dont like it dont worry but please be honest with your comments, i will try to improve. anyway, THANKS FOR THIS CHAPTER, ILL WAIT FOR MORE.
Aaaaaaand we're done here.
Keep it up!
While there are some mistakes now and then but everyone is learning!
The story so far is well thought out.
I don't know why this story has so many dislikes, I think it's fine. A few mistakes here and there, but it really doesn't deserve all this hate.