A sudden creak in the hard wood left Blitz in a shock. He sat up from his bed and analyzed the room with panic. The unicorn held his breathe, and then exhaled deeply. “Wow, I’m still a scared pony,” he said with defeat. Blitz veered his sight towards the outside moonlight. The area illuminated brightly, making the scene shine with extravagance. Blitz shifted back into his comfy bed and made a silent gesture. “Thank you, Twilight, for this very soft bed.”
‘Just keep moving.’ The words popped into Blitz’s head and sank. The feeling was bittersweet, but Blitz felt dread spreading across his body. Blitz let his mind wander and felt the dread mix with numbness. He reached to his side by a desk and felt a cool touch. Caressing the item, Blitz brought his sparkling snow globe close. He shook it lightly and gazed at the falling flakes of white snow. The sprinkles of crystals floated gently towards the slushy white ground. As the artificial snow danced, Blitz pondered a single thought he never got the answer to.
‘Where is Fuzzy. I know I’ve been saying that he’s going to get here soon…but is that true?’ Blitz shook his head while closing his eyes. ‘Heck, I can’t tell the future, but I need to know.’ “This suspense is killing me, why isn’t he here?” Blitz realized he had said the statement out loud and covered his mouth. ‘Celestia, Fuzzy, where are you? You should’ve been here by now. I’m starting to get worried.’
Blitz’s face darkened as he sorted out his anxiety. ‘What if something happened to him-no, that’s impossible. We’ve had enough bad things happen to us already. He’s fine, he’s fine.’ The unicorn took a stressed sigh and twisted his mouth with worry. ‘Fuzzy Fry, where are you? What are you doing? Why aren’t you here with us? What’s going on?’
~~~~~~~~~~
Blitz opened his eyes and gasped. He was inside a different location completely. His vision was blurred; it seemed to be distorted by a white surreal light. The interior assaulted Blitz with pale blue colors, he found himself inside a blue box. Each wall was reflecting a blue essence off Blitz. He felt a weird fidgeting object next to him and turned to it abruptly. An orange pony was staring him right in the eye.
“Fuzzy Fry?” Blitz said aghast. “Hey, where-”
“Bluebelle, please, you can’t leave us. What about all the fun times we had together, we can make this work,” Fuzzy Fry said ignoring Blitz. The unicorn turned his head and saw who Fuzzy Fry was addressing. A black figure obscured by a flash of light stood blocking the only doorway in the room.
“No, you can’t. I’m sorry, but it’s the only way. We can’t keep living like this, it’s not fair and it’s not right.” The figure stated. As Blitz inspected the silhouette more closely, he identified it to be a pony.
“Bluebelle?” Blitz stood frozen in place, he struggled to move his limbs. Gritting his teeth, he tried his hardest to budge. However, no results came and he continued his stone stare on the shining doorway.
“Blitz,” the pony addressed as Bluebelle called gently. Her image slowly materialized into that of what Blitz could only expect. Her icy blue mane seemed to float magically in the atmosphere, but still managed to cover one eye. The glowing, violet body made its way slowly towards Blitz. Bluebelle’s cerulean eyes diverted themselves towards Blitz’s pale, purple eyes. “I’m sorry, but I have to go. It’s best that you two learn to take care of yourselves…and that I move on.”
“No, Bluebelle. We can’t, we need you.” Blitz felt himself saying the words automatically and on cue. “I need you!”
“Blitz, don’t do this,” Bluebelle said. “I’m doing this for you.”
“No, I can’t let you go. I can’t because…I-we-” Blitz knew what he wanted to say, but an invisible force held back his words. “I-”
“That’s enough, please. Blitz, you and I…I have to go.” Bluebelle turned towards the lighted doorway and made her way towards the exit. Blitz still could not move his entire body, no matter how hard he pushed. His exasperated attempts to move turned into grunts and screams. His screams turned into sobs and hysterical crying. Blitz felt no tears, but he saw them fall from his eyes.
“No,” he wept faintly. “No, no, no, no!” Blitz watched as Bluebelle’s figure entered the light and disappeared. His crying intensified as the room echoed with his sobs. “Please, come back. Please-no.” Blitz rubbed his eyes and groaned with agony. He looked to his left, noticed that Fuzzy Fry was simply staring at Blitz. His face was full of pity, he cried silently as well. “All I have left is Fuzzy,” Blitz said automatically again. “All I have left is Fuzzy Fry!” Blitz noticed that Fuzzy Fry’s image was blurry; he literally started to fade away. His ghostly appearance taunted Blitz even more. “Stop, don’t take him too, stop!” Fuzzy’s figure was almost fully disappeared. “He’s the only friend I have,” Blitz said weakly. “He’s the only pony left in my heart!”
~~~~~~~~~~
‘He’s all I’ve got left.’ Blitz felt reality kick in as the warm tingly feeling of a tear rolled down his cheek. “Fuzzy Fry.”
~~~~~~~~~~
“Vice, where are you?” Enzo called out. “This isn’t funny; Applejack is going to be very mad.” The earth pony tensed up at the silent response. He lowered himself and stealthily evaluated the area. The daytime atmosphere aided Enzo’s senses as he searched to locate any objects of interest. Sunlight barely penetrated the thick overgrowth of apples trees overhead. Silence in the forest gave Enzo an eerie feeling; chills were climbing down his spine. Swiftly moving from tree to tree inspecting the ground, Enzo felt himself kick something. He peered down and noticed a certain red highlight on the ground.
“…an apple?” The black stallion picked up the item and verified it as the correct fruit. He looked a bit to his left and saw another red apple sitting in the shade. As he neared it, another apple popped up within his range of sight. With close examination, Enzo came to the conclusion that there was a trail of apples littered on the ground. He contemplated his options, sighed, and unwillingly followed the apples. “If this is one of Vice’s sick games…” Enzo began, but sadly did not know how to finish. The black earth pony continued his stroll until coming upon something other than apples.
“Is that-wait what is that stuff?” Enzo curiously eyed a trail of crumbs replacing the linear path of apples he had followed moments ago. The specks of brown food continued the mysterious trail of consumables lying on the grass. Reconsidering his actions, Enzo hesitated to keep following the food trail. “This isn’t right, Vice wouldn’t steal food just to eat it out-yeah, yeah he would.” Enzo facehoofed himself and trudged on. “Whatever the case, I’ll have to be on my guard,” he kept whispering.
Within a few minutes of tracking possibly bread crumbs, Enzo came up upon a clearing in the forest. It was easily distinguishable as sunlight actually created a spotlight in the middle; trees were clearly spread far apart. “Is this…supposed to be a sign? I don’t-” Before Enzo could finish, he was grabbed by an unknown force and hauled into a nearby bushel of shrubs. His hoof went directly towards his blue band, but came to halt as he met purple eyes. “Vice.”
“Shhh-shut your mouth,” Vice said. Enzo saw that within those purple eyes, there was a spark, but he couldn’t pinpoint what it meant.
“Wha-”
“Just follow my lead, don’t talk. Trust me Enzo, just like ya always have. I found something.” Vice breathed the words heavily. Enzo could do nothing but obey his friend. Vice allowed Enzo to readjust himself so that the two ponies were sitting within the bushes comfortably. Vice redundantly put a hoof to his lips and softly opened up the bush for a peeking hole. As he did so, Enzo gasped at the sight and Vice put his hoof over his friend’s mouth instead.
“See that shit?” Vice pointed towards the opening. Standing within the shining light was a group of stallions. Enzo counted at least three ponies conversing about something. “Those don’t look like any folks I’ve seen around here, eh, Enzo?” The black stallion nodded in silence. “It looks like we got trouble a brewin’.”
“What do we do?”
“Hold up, listen!” Vice poked his head more openly out of the bush, to Enzo’s extreme anxiety.
“Yeah buddy, we’re in the clear now!” a voice rang from the opening.
“You know it, dude. Boss is gonna be super happy now that we snagged those apples. We did it in total stealth too,” another voice said with vigor.
“Boy, oh boy, I can’t wait for our reward. The bosses said that they’re getting so hungry. But, now we got food so it’s all good,” the previous voice replied.
“Hahaha, this is awesome. I knew it was a good idea to join up,” the other voice said excitedly. Vice shook his head in a wry way which made Enzo uncomfortable; enthusiastically.
“Holy balls,” exclaimed Vice quietly. Enzo kept his guard up as he sensed imminent danger with the spotted group of unknown stallions. He eyed Vice with complex worry as the pegasus started jittering in place with eagerness. “Oh man, oh God, oh man!” he said ardently. “Enzo, oh man! Enzo, I’m pumped, I’m thrilled ready to strike. Dude, do you understand what’s going on here?”
“Yes.”
“Bad guys, man, bad guys. Like actual bad guys that have to be put down kind of bad guys!” Enzo could tell that Vice was giving his usual grin, but he also kept note of the look held in Vice’s eyes. A definite tinge of fury was boiling within Vice’s wild eyes. “Okay, okay-listen up, bro. I got us a good, foolproof plan. Come ‘ere, lemme enlighten you.” Vice ushered Enzo to come closer with an energized wave. “Alrighty, so, the plan is simple. We-”
Vice was abruptly interrupted as the concealing bush rattled suddenly. Vice turned to find two hooves flying straight at him. Before he could extend his metal coated wings in defense, or even react, he was grabbed and thrown into the clearing. He screeched, flailing his body as he landed with a loud crash. Several leaves fell from the trees and a single apple landed beside Vice. “Damn, Enzo!” As he called for his friend, he felt a large object pin him to the ground from behind. Another voice was breathing heavily on top of him.
“Sorry!” A soft voice apologized from afar.
“Agh, what the hell?” Vice analyzed the object to be another pony and thrust the body off of him. He deftly rolled over and confronted the fallen pony. “Sorry bro, I ain’t like that.” Vice stared at the stallion with ease and located two red hoof marks on the pony’s face. “Oh damn, nice one Enz-”
“Vice!” Vice whipped around and found an unpleasant sight. Before him, in the clearing, was Enzo locked in two more stallions’ grip. Noting the hostage situation, Vice quickly lifted the other half awake stallion and held him in a headlock. An exasperated choke of pain escaped the pony’s mouth, but Vice kept his angered grip tight.
“Alright, calm your tits boys. No one needs to be hurt,” Vice said at the scene.
“You watch your mouth or we’ll take his.” Vice identified the two other ponies as a unicorn and pegasus. The five ponies stood in the moonlit opening silently, paranoia floated around the air with the wind. Enzo kept calm and relaxed, he willingly let the two ponies hold him by his forelegs. Vice started to squeeze harder and harder, his fury was building up at the scene.
“Looks like we got ourselves a little truxican stand off, eh?” Vice said with a small laugh at the end. “Or at least a truxican hostage situation...if that’s a thing.”
“Trunks in a can?” the unicorn captor said in confusion. “What the hay is that?”
“Shut it, he’s playing mind games or something. Stay alert!” the other pegasus ordered.
“Guys, ugh, help me,” Vice’s victim said. Vice eyed his prisoner and laughed. The two other stallions raised their guard significantly at the outburst.
“What you laughing at, huh? We got your friend, but...you have ours. So what, we’ll just be taking-” The unicorn gasped as his earth pony companion was instantly hurled at both him and Enzo. All three ponies ended up sprawled on the ground, to the pegasus’ surprise.
“Why-” The pegasus was cut off as Vice was bulleting towards his target. The pegasus was grappled and sent headfirst flying into a nearby tree. A satisfying crunch was heard as Vice gloated, fluttering triumphantly in the air.
“God damn you all! Is everyone here intent on just talking? Damn, I say, y’all gotta learn to shut up!” Vice spoke with a pestered tone. “Hang on, buddy, I’mma commin’!”
Enzo’s reaction was timed perfectly. As he and the other unicorn toppled to the ground, Enzo managed to do a backwards roll. The black stallion landed with precision and faced his enemies. The earth pony slowly got to his feet, but insult was added to injury as Enzo bucked him again in the head. The thug went flying, but Enzo didn’t hesitate to spectate the area of landing. He switched opponents and hastily assaulted the unicorn.
Before anyone could react, Enzo followed through with a tackle. Both ponies ended up on the familiar ground once more. The unicorn struggled feebly against Enzo’s hold around his neck. He positioned himself just right and effectively launched the pony up in the air.
As the unicorn went airborne, Vice swooped in from above and pounded the unicorn back towards Equestria. A thud was followed by a huff of pain coughed up from the unicorn. The brown pegasus hovered over his defeated foe and laughed with an almost maniacal tone. “Holy ass cheeks, Enzo, you seeing this going on right now? Like, really-seriously. Can you believe this? Us-us two, kicking whole ass right here and right now.” Vice did a mini twirl in the air and raised his hooves towards the shining sun. He yelled with distinct vitality into the bright blue sky and settled himself towards the ground. “Ohhh, it’s been so long since I’ve had this feeling. It’s simply awesome, Enzo. You’re alright by the by, right?”
Enzo nodded firmly. “Yes, I’m fine.”
Vice chuckled with delight. “Nice, I can continue my GD carnage-you!” Vice pointed ferociously at a fleeing stallion. “Come to papa.” He hovered closely towards the limping earth pony and relaxed himself. “Pleasant night ain’t it?” The pony turned and cried with fear. Vice sighed dramatically. “Guess not.” The pegasus wrapped his metallic wings over the stallion’s face and brought the pony spiraling backwards. With a sick crack, Vice smiled as the pony hit the ground and lay still. “Oh, uh, sorry. Overkill, my bad-I didn’t mean to...break you.”
“Bastard!” Vice felt a crushing feeling as he was grabbed from behind. The metal around his wings tightened considerably against the pressure being exerted against him; he felt the feeling in his actual wings being lost. Another source of pressure was created as Vice felt the air push down against him.
“What, are you taking me for a ride?” he said nonchalantly as he and the other pegasus ascended into the night sky. “If so, you better learn to keep up!” Vice let his wings extended, breaking him free of the pegasus’ grip. The metal loosened and he regained flight. Hurling himself instantly backwards, both pegasi grabbed each other and started to spin in the air. Stars swirled as Vice had sky and land circulating through his vision. “Ah, yo, Enzo. You having a date like me?”
Enzo ignored Vice’s ramble as he centered his attention towards the still standing unicorn thug. Various objects were being thrown at him; sticks, stones and even dirt. He dodged each with supreme ease, but kept on the defensive side.
The unicorn pony started to falter at the magic usage and decided to resort to a different tactic. He lifted a nearby stick and aimed the sharpest side at his opponent. Enzo took the initiative to feign a step forward, resulting in the stick being launched instantly. He watched intently as the stick shot towards him. He accounted impact time and accurately swatted the stick away.
The unicorn thug shook his head helplessly and turned around to run. Before the pony was able to get into a full sprint, a deafening scream shot through everyone’s ears. “Piledriver!” Vice, still spinning with the other pegasus, swooped from above and was aiming directly for the fleeing enemy. “Gotcha!” Vice released his held victim and sent him reeling into the unicorn. Both ponies collided and crashed to the hard ground. Vice landed with a hop next to Enzo and laughed heartedly.
“Vice, what-”
“And that is how you take out the trash, just call me the garbage man!” Vice said with glory as he over watched all three downed thugs. “Uno, dos, tres, all down. Oh, and by the way, you could’ve just sidestepped to dodge that stick. Don’t think I didn’t see that act of recklessness,” he teased with another chuckle.
“Look who’s talking,” Enzo said back coldly.
“Gettin’ feisty there, Enzo. I understand, you’re in the moment-oh my lord. I’m so damn pumped right now! Like hallelujah these dirtbags showed up, right?” Vice said still antsy from adrenalin. “I could get used to this. C’mon,” Vice shouted into the empty night. “Bring me some more fresh meat!”
“So be it.” As the obscure voice called from within the forest, multiple rustling sounds were echoing throughout the clearing. Both Vice and Enzo jumped at the crackling nature and gathered together instinctively. One pony appeared from concealed bushes and another followed closely behind. A third, fourth and fifth revealed themselves from random directions. A pony was even perched atop a tree watching vilely from above.
“Careful what you wish for,” Enzo whispered seriously to Vice.
“No shit, looks like we’re gonna be caught in a gangbang,” his partner said still smirking. The duo was surrounded indefinitely by hostile looking ponies, all male. “Nevermind, we’re in for a sausage fest.”
“So I see you’ve identified your surroundings,” the same voice said again. “Very interesting, indeed.”
“Okay, tough guy, show yourself and save us the suspense. You’re high-pitched fancy accent is getting on my nerves,” Vice yelled forcefully.
“As you wish.” Enzo and Vice turned their attention to the last shaking bush. A tall, extremely pale brown stallion trotted though. His mane shone with the same paleness, except in yellow. “It was certainly a hassle arriving, but here I am as you asked.” The stallion brushed off leaves sticking to his chest suit. He adjusted his red tie and clicked the glasses he was wearing into place. Through the round, slightly glared lenses, the pony stared at the duo with turquoise eyes. “A pristine pony ready to lend his handiwork.”
Vice and Enzo gave the stallion a painfully perplexed look. Vice stepped forward and called the pony out boldly. “So, you the boss of these guys or what?” The stallion laughed and readjusted his glasses once more.
“You may call me Doctor Rivet, or Doc Rivet for short. Whatever suits you best,” he said calmly.
“Well then, let’s get to the beating shall we?” Vice said mimicking the pony’s stately accent with considerable accuracy.
*sees thumbnail pic*
Instant Thought: OMG A NEW SKYRIM CROSSOVER WITH MLP!
*reads description*
Oh goddamn it...
1954061 Sorry for the tease
I didn't expect too many people to make that connection...mainly because I was tearing my hair out trying to find a decent picture.
Would read but wondering where Rainbow Dash is and what you did to her, this is making me not want to read it. (I know Blitz is a male version of R.D. but shouldn't he be around male versions of the other mane 6?) What's going on in this story, gimme a prologue to the prologue, please?
1954130 Not particularly, but I do make a reference to the use of snipers in a later chapter...if that helps and/or satisfies you.
1954161 Um, in terms of Rainbow Dash, she's introduced later on in the story. As far as character parallelism, or similarity, Blitz is more resembling of Twilight whereas Vice is more resembling of Dash. If you don't know who Vice is yet then you haven't read far enough yet. As for a prologue to the prologue...uh it's basically an introduction to Blitz and a little past background information. Can't really say too much without giving away the story, sorry.
If that didn't help tell me and I'll try to clarify more.
1954132
lol
It's no problem. There's just so many OTHER crossovers and I haven't seen one where the Dragonborn comes in and (hopefully) gets Twilight involved with HIS type of magic... I wish. lol. That would be such a great crossover IMO. But I'm not gonna continue on that topic. This story of yours has nothing to do with it and I won't deter anyone from reading.
That's inconsiderate.
1954289 That would be a good story (handled correctly) where either the Dragonborn's magic is canceled out or it completely sucks. He's (or she) is prideful about it too and realizes how powerless they really are. Goddamn that would be good with the bond between the protagonist and Twilight...maybe add a few dragons here and there. Yeah...
1954350stuffpoint.com/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic/image/thumb/101461-my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-rd-wat.jpg
1954476 memedepot.com/uploads/0/475_pills_here.jpg
God I love Left 4 Dead so much!!
CHEESE BURGER APOCALYPSE
1954346
Another idea about that with dragons and such: Say they find him in the Everfree, and they chat/argue/fight or whatever, and a dragon comes along. When the Mane 6 have no idea what to do, they hear THEEEE LOUDEST sound anyone could hear. Turning around, they see it originated from the Dragonborn and are like "WTF WAS THAT?!"
After killing the dragon, the beast's soul is absorbed by the DB turning the dragon to a skeletal form... causing Fluttershy to black out. LOL
I can imagine that soooo easily.
1954233
encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRWpg0bf79vF4KkmuONXgHpPltGbDJU1Rb1CXx9djCyJe3xLEdb
1955296 He sees Spike and he's like "MUST DESTROY ALL DRAGONS" and everyone's like "Noooo".
1955876
LOL
OMG! I forgot about Spike! But you know, the Dragonborn's smart, and the most negativity he'll show towards Spike is most likely suspicion of potential attack.
But I mainly look forward to the possibility of this story because of a possible magic duel between DB and Twilight or a team of unicorns. Just because I'd like to see what might happen to Twilight, had the Dragonborn used his destruction spells.
And you know, the most destructive spell Twilight has is a... heat ray? Or laser? Whatever it is, a stream of energy. :P
GAH!!!! I had a thought-out, detailed review for you, then my browser (IE9) crashed :-/. Well, anyways, here is what I remember of it. I tend to be a bit brutal on my reviews, so sorry in advance.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: One Shot, One Chance
Grammar score out of 10: 6
Pros:
I think you've put a lot of thought into all of the OCs.
Enzo seems like a believable character.
Clyde. That is all.
Top 3 Cons:
SAID BOOKISM
Vice has waaaay too many Gary Stu tendencies.
The main character is a Butt Monkey.
Notes Section:
I can tell from the interactions between the characters that you put a lot of thought into developing them. You have to actually give them backstory though, instead of vaguely hinting at it. This far in, we should at least know something about where Vice and Enzo came from. Reading scenes with Blitz in it is painful to read, because he holds the Idiot Ball and always ends up getting swindled, misled, mangled, or otherwise bucked up. This isn't deserving of a "sad" tag, it's an example of "everything hates [insert character here]." It doesn't make for a good read if the main character is "that guy," so give him a break. Vice has been able to get away with saying/doing almost anything with little-to-no repercussions, even if that means that other characters act OOC for him to do so. He also challenged RD (read: only MARY SUES can catch up to her when she's racing) to a race and was gaining on her. The warning lights for Gary Stu-ness are exploding, the signs are so obvious.
Also, Fuzzy. From how much he means to Blitz, you should at least give us a small scene or a letter to let us know what he's been doing. Actually, you may want to just make side stories for the OCs explaining their backstories.
Said bookism: In almost all cases, the dialog tells the reader how it was said by the character. you don't have to write: "[insert explanation of something here]," Bob explained calmly. In that example, replace "explained calmly" with just "said." This applies anywhere where you try to use a more complicated phrase or word when the same thing could be said more simply. It interrupts the flow of the story and obfuscates meaning. It makes sense when describing something, but only to an extent.
TL;DR version: Give your characters backstory, rewrite Vice because he is a blatant Gary Stu, give Blitz a break, and if it can be said simply, say it that way.
Sorry about the brutality of the review, but you just used some of my pet peeves (Gary Stus, said bookism, no backstory, and butt monkey main character.) Enjoy your review!
1958737 This is good, I needed a somewhat critical review. The idea with Vice, Enzo (and Fuzzy Fry for that sake) is that they're supposed to be ambiguous, the reader is constantly supposed to be cautious and worried about it. Also, there's a big plot twist involved with...back stories but I've said too much. I'll agree I made Vice a bit Oh Pee in terms of an overall character and Blitz is pretty incompetent. Then again, I am going through this motion of growth and this is only the beginning w̶h̶e̶r̶e̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶r̶y̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶s̶u̶c̶k̶s̶ where it takes time for that growth to happen. But I get where you're trying to get at with character imbalance and I'm going to try and fix that a bit (although I'm still pondering how). As for the said bookism, I thank thee for pointing that out as I tended to go overboard without knowing it. That will definitely help later on.
Anyway, thanks for the review (which is much needed!) and I'll try to get these fixes in ASAP
1958737 Well I've solved some of Vice's crisis (rhyme) just now with the race and I like what I came up with. However, the other stuff is yet to click in my head.
1959969 Enzo is the best main OC in my opinion so far, because while he is shy, submissive and reserved, he has his principles and morals, which provides a good base to build the backstory for. With Blitz, his magic is less powerful than Snips' and Snails', at least make it so he can easily make ice with water. You don't have to make him the ÜBERALICORN of all ice, just cut him some slack. The chapters where Blitz was slightly more competent than a one-and-a-half-legged foal with a drooling issue, or where he was absent entirely, were by far the most enjoyable (ok, ok, he's never that incompetent ). Will Clyde continue to be a major character, if only just for comic relief?
1961978 Clyde will still play an important role throughout the story as well as providing the funnies. He and his mustache aren't going anywhere...well for now
1972804For clyde to lose his moustache would be. the. WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!!!!!!!!!!