Silver Spoon has her own side of the story to tell from Worse than death?, this is what was going through her own mind on that day.
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- Member Since 17th Dec, 2013
- offline last seen Sunday
TheOneAJ
I'm am an autistic brony, looking to write fantasy and everyday life novels for my kind. I became a brony when I related well with applejack and twlight, and I love the show.
TheOneAJ
Joined 17th Dec, 2013 ·
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Like the story ( both versions ) found these for you. Just a thought but you might want to read your stories out loud to catch some of Murphie's best spell check tricks
“Diamond Tiara”s [Hopping ] ( hoping ) for words”
“to (fallow) her lead [follow]”
“ emotions of (angry) and fear” [anger]
It would help your story immensely if you hired someone to edit your fanfiction. This is more a suggestion than creative criticism, whether or not you take it for what it's worth.
3999641 do you know someone who has the time to, or would you like to? Or, could you at least give me a little more detail of a part(s) you didn't like.
4000621
I wouldn't know anybody who would, but how you go about hiring someone is to pay it in the description of the story. I've seen some editing requests that way. As for critiques, don't have any. I'm more of an avid reader, grammar being my field of work.
It was a great pleasure for me to read the story. The both parts of it... and, to be honest, I'd love to read a sequel about that fishing trip. What you did here was... really heart-warming. And it sure is way more than worth faving.
4104771 thanks got the like. Even these stories don't win Everfree, it's good to know I made a story that at least one person loved.
4105187 And I'm sure you'll make much more for more ponies to like.
4105187
It's not a bad story, but you forgot the italics theme that you went with. Italics for flashback, regular print for present.
Other than that glaring issue, the grammar things were pretty forgiveable, and the story did have a nice feel to it. Just don't forget formatting; if you have italic flashbacks, keep it that way. If you have the present in regular print, then keep it that way too.
Consistency in that would go a long way for this story.
4142687 i presume this is what you mean by Italics? I thought I had it all. No mater, thank you so much for the advice and like
4142841
Yes, that is what I meant. Putting the entire thing in italics, if that was your intention, really is not necessary, though not "wrong". Just, as I said, keep it consistent. If italics denotes something special, use it only when that special circumstance comes up.
If it is just plain the way the whole story is written, then italicize the whole thing.
4142862 I'll look the story over later, but yes, that is my writing style choice. Although, what scene(s) didn't have italics.
4142896
The first paragraph. One of the most important paragraphs that let the reader know what kind of format and stuff that they should be expecting I did not have italics. The rest of it has italics, even when switching from flashback to reality. I thought you had purposely not made it italics in order to represent that it was the present, but it would seem as if I was wrong.
I think it would work better that way, but most if it would be the present-past identifier. We know through the writing, but the visual aide would be a nice touch. It's your call though.
well I foresee three things wrong with Applebloom's impromptu proposal to invite Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara on a fishing trip.
1. Silver Spoon pointed out (to herself) Diamond Tiara was least likely to accept the invitation of the two of them. And given the fact that Silver just had a fight with DT earlier that day, she probably would be wise not to expect DT to have to deal with the prospect of her hanging out with the Crusaders just yet.
2.
may very well be grounded unless she explains to AJ that she stopped to help a filly in need. AJ is more likely then not to vacate her punishment entirely if she can convince her Silver Spoon was in dire need of somepony to console her. BUT if AB is grounded she won't be going on the fishing trip and either nopony will go or DT and SS will have to be alone with 
without the mediator who arranged the truce to begin with.
Which bring me to the last reason this idea is a monumentally bad one that more then likely will end in tears.
3.
that's pretty much it.
Otherwise great story. I loved reading it from Silver's POV.