Luna was ‘ill’. At least, that’s what the servants whispered when they thought she couldn’t hear them. What they called her predicament was hardly a matter of import. The true question, the only one that held value, was whether it could be cured or not.
In this darkest of moods, Luna saw those servants --the poor souls-- pitted against a misery they had no understanding of. She could see them sharing in the pain of this illness, feeling it as lucidly as she did, although they could hope for an eventual recovery. Even barring that, they could still look to the release of death.
Lacking a similar escape, Luna ruminated on coping with the odds. For as long as she could remember it had always been a trial of patiently minding long life. Long suffering, however, was a nuanced and adverse peril to her peace of mind.
The pain possessing her was both animate and malicious.
A shift of weight slithered it up the back. Inhaling turned the stomach and exhaling constricted the throat, making the next breath all the more difficult. In regular frequency, Luna's head was reared upon and stricken by a legion of stabs and jolts. Her eyes stung and continually welled up.
Alone in the Royal Observatory, Luna hunkered into an ebony sofa, blinking tears away as she faced the semi-opaque glow of a false wall. It was truly a window with glass so thick it nearly lacked all transparency. This glass slab and others like it set a baroque rhythm by their sequence within a ring of indigo columns.
It was a full circle design; the floor, secure in the pillars and sealed by the windows, was accessible to spell casters alone.
The ceiling would've been an opening to the sky, were it not filled by the Axis*: an immense crystal orb held aloft by the collective volutes of the columns. Its underside dipped into the interior like an inverted dome; an aura of sentience emanating from the polished, milky surface.
A fresh ache stemming from the base of the horn alerted Luna of an approaching presence. She attempted to stand, but fatigue made the simple task impossibly trying.
From where the evening sun lit the portion of the room opposite her, a storm of light tore the air. A wavering spark that grew intense, dilating into a portal.
Luna attempted to pull away from her seat, but her hinds wouldn't cooperate. With gritted teeth she willed them to move. The response was an unscrupulous jerk that threw the princess to the hard floor. No injuries were sustained, but the pain, enlivened by the shock, was unspeakable. Luna caught a sob in her throat. To cry would be a show of weakness unbecoming of her. She instead held her silence, only allowing complaints to escape as sharp withering breaths through her flared nostrils.
"Rise, Moon-wielder!" Celestia's voice preceded her as she slowly entered through the light. The command was emphasized by the ring of armored hooves against marble.
They were formidable words but the state of the elder sister became apparent when the glow faded from her visage. Celestia trembled where she stood, breathing haggardly. The fringe of her wings dusted the floor. Even her armor lacked luster. She was also "ill".
"Sister, I can't keep going like this," Luna cried "To what avail do I suffer?"
"Luna, you disappoint me," Celestia rebuked. She closed the distance between them with uneven strides, speaking all the while, "Away for a millennium and back for barely a decade. I expected you to forget many things, but not what we live for- not what we fight against. I'll take this time to remind you, though there's little to spare."
Celestia placed her head under Luna's girth to lift her into standing position. Luna held it, though shakily.
"Sister, what is this sickness? Why does it assault us so?"
"What you feel is the enemy consuming your power. As we speak, the contract that binds you to the heavenly bodies is disintegrating. My bond with the Sun has already been broken."
“Our control links through the Axis, how is it affecting us? That’s not possible!” Luna exclaimed. She was clearly frightened.
“But it is. The backbone of my power is broken.”
“Then that means you-”
“I'll live! I have more than enough inborn strength to survive this. But it’ll be for naught if our subjects perish. Remember our subjects, Luna. Remember our duty to all mortals. The spans they've been allotted--no matter how short--will not be cut. It is precious. It is theirs. We, who are gifted with lasting, should protect that which is fleeting. I would lie down to die for the mote in my eye if it lived innocently and was threatened. What say you?”
Celestia doubled up her stance, shaking and stamping away numbness. Cracks further set in on her armor.
The heat of shame made Luna's skin very uncomfortable to be in. Those dark thoughts she had earlier entertained were retracted. How shortsighted and vain I was!
A rustle of paper beneath Luna's left wing caught her attention.
With cornesis, she removed a small letter she had tucked away. On the envelope sat a waxen seal of intimacy. Seeing it, the memory of her lover’s bright eyes sent shivers up her back and hollow into her heart. She gently kissed it and sent it away in a whiff of blue smoke. The sending put her at ease. The letter had taken something out of her. Maybe anxiety.
Celestia raised a brow at the sending of the letter, but refrained from comment. She did take notice her sister blinking away a headache, no doubt brought on by use of magic.
"I know your pain is greater than my own. I’m no longer able to struggle, but you can still reach out to your Arcana-Arma*. I suggest you put it on. You’ll be less susceptible to hostile forces if you do."
Luna's wings snapped open at this. She managed to bring them back in but they quivered nervously at her side. "But, Celestia, after what happened in the past, all those years ago, I don't think I could-- or should use that form!" Her eyes flushed, brimming with tears.
"It was different then. The lineage* had more strength then you did, but you've changed for the better." With her hoof, Celestia made a slow, sweeping gesture as she spoke, wiping the slate clean.
"You're stronger now than ever before and will make all the difference in the coming battle. I have faith in you." The elder assured the younger with a piercing look and gentle smile.
Luna slowly bowed. Her ears turned back and went flat, heavy with the earnestness of Celestia's plea.
The night princess's horn touched against the floor. In her mind's depths, the noise of pain was routed by a cavalry of song. The language was warm, ancient and familiar. It became heated, fervently erupting into higher and higher magnitudes of voice. Fever-pitched and violent, the baritones finally crescendo-ed in the statement of a single name.
"Erebos-Arion!"*
Luna reared up with the battle cry. Summoned by the blood-name’s* power, a crescent of darkness filled the air slashed by her horn.
The ghostly scar cycled around the princess like a shroud before hardening. When it gained the sheen of polished obsidian, the capsule of black began to cleave: white lines encroached from above and below.
Instead of shattering, however, it unfolded in layers like blossoming nightshade. The petals of darkness drifted off on some intangible wind and faded to nothing.
The younger sister was left fully suited in armor that flowed like the night sky. Deep, magical might was fortified in shining shields that orbited her body. Constellation Regalia.
Luna flexed and her body responded. She could now move and stretch her limbs. She could think coherently without having to flinch from constant pins and needles.
The sisters shifted their attention to the Axis overhead.
Celestia addressed the artifact, "Sathiel, Anchor of Moon, Axle of Earth. Be our heavenly eye!" Raising her horn, Celestia conjured light about its forte. When a substantial halo had taken form, she launched it from the horn's point as a ray.
Halfway through its upward trajectory, the beam exploded into a branching projectile. Striking the sphere as a swarm of magic, the golden spell networked across the darkening expanse to form meticulous grids. Each panel within the borders of light fell black; countless images and motions soon brought them to life.
"Render the enemy seen."
The point at the base became priority and expanded. Its boundary overtook the previous boundaries and the remaining surface to display the query. After the sweep, Luna was able to discern an image suspended within the cosmic scope.
In the sky above them, in the cold heights, there was a bulge- a warp- that hung in the air. It was a large cyst-like egg that distorted the light around it. Tendrils radiating from its center formed cracks in the atmosphere that bled auroras of gray.
"Please, Sathiel, explain this to me," Luna said mystified. What she saw stood unmoving, but her eyes danced at the sight in a struggle for focus.
The Axis obliged. The image expanded until it exceeded the periphery of the orb and become a projection. The projection was lowered to the floor where the contents of the egg could be discerned.
Growing within the egg was some eldritch being defined in strange dimensions and hues. Nine serpent heads sprouting from a single body gnashed at one of nine tails growing from the opposite end of the body. As each head consumed its respective tail, the body was torn. The body continually regenerated and the tails grew. Along with this, abominations would pull themselves from the wound and crawl, climb, slither or fly up the tails into the mouths to die.
The Axis spoke directly into the sisters’ minds.
“What you see is a space severing void that bends reality about itself. The creature inside is some higher form of dragon. I recognize this because of its essence. It is being made by that which forged me: astral lore*. This should be impossible since the astral-dragons* disappeared long ago.”
The Axis fell silent. Ripples of light passed over its face as if it had been disturbed.
"There's something more wrong about this beast aside from the whereabouts of its creators. My senses tell me that this form is not meant for this world. It is not meant for any place, for that matter. This being should not exist; it would be ontologically wrong."
Luna paced around the projection. The sight of it didn’t disgust her. It perplexed her.
“How does something that isn’t meant to be come into being?”
Celestia stepped up to answer.
“It is created. In much the same way things that shouldn’t be done are done, things that shouldn’t be …well they become. Both instances are born of deliberate action and I’ve discovered such actions often move under the fold of evil.” Celestia sharply jerked her head to dismiss the image. “I haven't been able to unveil its masters myself. Weeks earlier, I've sent some of our greatest heroes out to find who could be responsible, but they've turned up nothing. Only recently have I asked Twilight and the others to seek help in the Origin Realm*. Any more questions?”
“What immediate threat does the creature pose and what do we do about it?”
The voice of the Axis once again entered their minds.
“The beast seems to maintain its growth with the absorption of energy. It’s currently feeding on the magical barriers surrounding the earth. Aside from the peril of the Sun’s manifold radiations, should the creature turn to absorb matter, it may descend to devour the world.”
Celestia sidled up next to Luna and rested her tired head on her sister’s.
“And what we’ll have to do about it, Luna, is send it back to where it came from. Back to non-existence.”
~~~~~~~~~~~
art:
('Sad Luna' by Flutterwonder -d.art)
('Sunset' by grayma1k- d.art)
pic: 'Rotating Toroid.'
Well people, this is my first ever fanfic and my first ever story.
I'm going to take it VERY slow.
I have big plans for this and I hope you all can help me make it better.
1.Grammar, Dialogue and Punctuation. HOW bad is it and how can I fix it?
2.Artists! I try my best to vividly depict a fantastic world. Hopefully you'll find something worth illustrating as the story progresses. I'll take most any art and use it if it gives a better sense of the setting.
3.Music. I might add music links to the story later on. what is your opinion on that?
4.This is a BRANCHING NARRATIVE. That means it only follows one protagonist through a single part of a multi-part storyline.
issues with this will be addressed. try to keep calm and work with me.
Here's to a my first ever fic!
I love everyone who reads it! even if they down vote!
[I'd rather you not down vote it. Instead, I'd like a thorough run over what the problem is and how it can be rectified.]
Well, This certainly IS good reading. I found myself dubious at first, but I was well Drawn into this when I got into it. I'm looking foward to More (especially the backstory to your equestria). Well Written and VERY well timed (I needed another fic to start following, 'cause most of the one I have been are Over or drawig to a close) I Certainly hope you get the attention you deserve on this Fic. In response to your request for reviews, I'll come back ater I've had a good Night's sleep and have a look over it then. At the moment, I'm having difficulty remembering how to put scentances toether. Tracked. Also liking your plans for the Fic, Now I've checked your Blogpost
360650
Thanx! I like a team effort! Audience involvement will keep me motivated.
Pretty interesting. As far as prologues go, this is solid stuff. Throws in a butt-load of unknown factors to make the reader wonder what gives and get him in and the like.
I think what I liked most was the lexical work woven into this read. Gotta admit, the lack of redundancy and usage of not that common words felt very sexy indeed. Dialogues are good enough, they feel natural considering the relation between Celestia and Luna and the fact they're "ill". None of them really jumped out at me as inconsistent, unlikely or shallow.
At the end of the day, my only qualm with this read is the very beginning. First paragraph feels a little too choppy and clunky, it could very easily be made more fluid and, at least in my opinion, get the reader to smoothly ease himself in the read.
Then the two following paragraphs are a little too confusing, even for a prologue. The 'they' you throw in doesn't really relate to anything. Possibly, we can assume, but the lack of precision in that pronoun makes it very confusing in conjunction with what follows.
And the second one, I can only assume that it's Luna musing on how she feels about immortality and how that perception is altered when that immortality becomes marred with pain n' suffering or something. Possibly, I'm wrong, but then it just goes to prove my point (which is that the musing is a little too open to interpretation and could be worded in a far more precise and less alienating manner)
That's my take on the matter in any case. My perception might very well be muddled and I'm just talking crap and everyone else understood the start just fine, but I had a little trouble working my way through it and getting all the underlying meanings worked into it.
If I do turn out right, though, these remain small mistakes, in the grand design of things... Problem is, they're at the very start of the story, and that's the spot you should put most work into (well, that and possibly the synopsis, you're good on that side, though)
About sums up my experience of the prologue.
360727
I appreciate you taking the time to tell me what you saw as weakness in my writing.
It'll go toward me telling a better story.
I'll roll the first few paragraphs over my tongue for a bit.

If I can pretty em' up, I'll have you to thank!
Good lookin' out, Homie!
This story has me totally enthralled. I want to be able to read more of this very soon.
362527
I really want to have chapter 1 up by this time next week,but I have math tests and other school stuff.
I will see what I can do!
wish me luck!
Very nice intro, to say the least.
I'd like to see how you handle this in the future, and the only sub-par negative thing I have to say is the spacing between shifting paragraphs and sentences, threw me off that one paragraph would be connected to the other, while some were separated by multiple chunks of space. But, other than that, looking forward to what comes next!
366964
I'll get on that.
Its very good ^^ cant wait to read more of it.
Hokelly Dokeroo; Lordly has his act together and can give you a review! You've got my opinion of the story so far upwards, so now it's time for the Spelling and grammar portion. Spellingwise, good. No Spelling errors I'm Able to discern. Thumbs up! However, there are quite a few Grammatical Errors contained within. Hence, I will list those I've spotted. I'll place all errors I've noticed in Brackets for easy Ctrl+F editing, with the error in bold, along with an explaination of what the error is.
Problems with "'s: A problem that appears in several Places, you've put an " with a space between it and the sentence spoken. While I'm not sure wether or not thats a concrete rule, It does look terribly untidy.
Now, Capitilisation. You appear to have the opposite problem to me; Whereas I gratuitously throw Capital letters about, placing them seemingly at random, you have the habit of not Capitalizing in places where capitals should definitely be.
(Sister, what is this? why is this) An exclaimation mark doubles as a full stop. As such, words following one should be Capitalized
(Sathiel. anchor of the moon. axle of the earth) (only recently) Even if it's still part of a spoken sentence, a full-stop should be followed by a capital letter. Also, I'm unsure whether you intend Proto-dragon to be capitalized. You do so the first time, but don't the second. Whether that is error or not, I am uncertain.
(It's Existance) an Its/It's error. I can tell you know the difference as this is the only one.
Also, a few Spacing errors: (Well of the past .) (Deep ,Magical might) (responsible,but) (about it ,Luna)
Elipsis (...'s that is) should have a space both before AND after it, if one is going to use the strict usage like so; [Word ... Word]. However, it's more common [and in my opinion, Looks better] to use it in the form of [Word... Word] or [Word ...Word], Depending on how one wants the pause Emphasised [Word... Word] indicates the first word is drawn out while the second is spoken either normally or slightly faster than normal whereas [word ...word] is the inverse
Thar be the lot that I've spotted. I may not have caught them all, but it's a start. As a postscript; BY THE MIGHTY BEARD OF CELESTIA, THE LUXURIOUS MOUSTACHE OF LUNA AND THE CHISELED BICEPS OF TWILIGHT SPARKLE, I BESEECH THEE, MIGHTY GODS OF FIMFICTION.COM; Send this the first time, So I need not write all this again. It's a pain doing a review with From-Text examples without use of Copy Paste. Handheld games aren't the best choice of reviewing equipment, FYI
393508
I appreciate your efforts,bro. I know you have to deal with a lot of stress and the fact you took the time to review my work is very heartening. Now, to follow your advice.
400801
yeah,but the hard part is how to keep the ball rolling.
THE FATHER OF TIME FINDS THIS AMAZING!
The concept is great, but it's too much because you're throwing so much at the reader so fast. It's just becomes like wading through a hailstorm of plot-points. I would expand this chapter a lot. There's also the more technical stuff like capitalization that needs to be worked on (and other things), but that's already been mentioned. But overall it's nice. It just seems too 'rough'.
537189 Thank you for the criticism...I'll see what I can about the first to chapters...I'll go over them in the future once I finish the next few installments.
That description reminds me of some creature in Greek mythology or Nordic mythology. I'm sure I've seen it somewhere before.
625884 It's Mostly orobouros (greek) except it's nine headed and nine tailed and radially symmetrical.
it's movement looks like this.
i.imgur.com/cyoH3.gif?1
this is very interesting i just love it when myths and ponies come together dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Rainbow_dealwithit.png
I like your new sentance structure, it creates a better feel for the atmosphere. I honestly cannot describe it better than that, it is simply a more visually pleasing persentation, albiet a bit formal.
358544 suggestions for future music: If you can't find someone who would like to write their ow music for your stories then maybe use BrandXMusic, Immediate music, Groove Addicts, and other similar groups. They usually write music meant to be set to film trailers so they would be short...but very inspiring and fitting. I often listen to them while writing It helps give atmosphere and ideas. Can't wait to see how this goes!
... I have to say, this has got me interested but also confused my a lot.