A Dream
It was a very calm night, a beautiful full moon shining down on Ponyville; one that could make Princess Luna herself proud, and the night sky filled with twinkling stars, sparkling like jewels. It was quiet, for everypony had turned in about this time of night, and all that could be heard was the gentle breeze and the soft musical chirping of crickets as they sang their chirps into the night.
"~Scootaloo~" a mysterious, gentle voice softly called out throughout the calm atmosphere.
"Huh?" Scootaloo opened her eyes, jolting awake from her sleep, her ears perking up upon hearing a gentle voice call her, "What? Who said that?" She sat up on her bed in a room with other fillies in an orphanage she lived in ever since she was just a tiny foal. She looked around and saw nothing but the walls and the ceiling, and a few posters of the wonderbolts and her fellow orphan fillies who were still fast asleep.
There were two beds on both sides of the room; Scootaloo slept on the bed to the far left. The orphanage had very little money, so the lights had to be turned off in the evening in order to save power. The window between Scootaloo's bed and another filly's bed across from hers was the only light source needed for them, and the window was big enough for the sun and, occasionally, the moon to beam their rays of light inside for her and the other fillies to see and wake up; kind of like the sun and moon's way of kissing their little faces to wake them up to a new day, or bidding them a peaceful goodnight. It was still night, though.
Scootaloo looked around again then fell back, connecting her head with her pillow and tried to return to sleep, thinking it was nothing. Her left ear twitched when she heard, "~Scootaloo~" again, which made her sit up and growl in frustration as she looked for the voice responsible for waking her up at this time of night. "~I'm here~" It cooed out, "~It's me~"
"What's going on? Who's there?!" she asked, but got no response. She was about to go back to sleep when she noticed a faint light flashing under the door and noticed a shadow appear just as fast as it disappeared.
"~Hellooooo~" The voice spoke out once more as if calling to her from beyond the door.
She blinked a few time before a chill ran down her spine, "Um, i-is anypony there?" she asked again but got no response. She shivered in fear and held her blanket over her muzzle. This was spooky… and it was creeping her out at every ticking second.
"~Scootaloo~" the voice called out again.
Scootaloo jumped and hid under the covers. Her shaking intensified but she slowly calmed when she heard the soft voice again "~I'm here, Scootaloo… it's me~" and threw the blanket off herself, looking at the door. She had no idea who or what was calling her, or what it wanted, yet, somehow, the voice sounded oddly familiar the more she listened to it.
"~Hellooooo?~" It rung out once more as if it was trying to beckon Scootaloo to follow it.
She didn't know why she recognized it. She never even met anypony with a voice as soft or loving as that before. What was going on?
"~Come home, Scootaloo~" the soft voice chimed in her ears.
Scootaloo perked her ears up and widened her eyes, "W-who are you? And how do you know my name?"
The voice didn't answer. Instead, it softly said, "~My little baby, come home~," which got Scootaloo to remove her covers and hop out of her bed and tempting her to walk over to the door; which she did. She stopped and noticed that the other fillies were still asleep and never budged an inch. They weren't hearing any of this? But why were they not hearing the voice? Is she the only one hearing this; If so, why only her?
"~Scootaloo~" the calm voice chimed again. "~I'm here, my little baby… It's me~"
Scootaloo turned her head and glued her eyes back at the door as she slowly walked to it.
"~Please come home, Scootaloo~" The voice practically sung out to her, as calm as the night, yet as beautiful as the moon itself. "~I miss you, my little Scootaloo~" It was as if the voice was trying to get her attention, and wanted no one else but her to follow. "~Hellooooo~"
Scootaloo, when she was a foal, could hardly remember anything, but one thought, and guess, did come to mind as she listened to the voice call her. Could it be?
A whisper crawled out of her throat and elude from her lips in only one single word, "M-mom?" her eyes slowly widened in shock, confusion, and dismay.
The voice called out to her, again, but it definitely had that motherly tone now that the word had escaped out of her mouth, "Scootaloo, my little baby, come home."
Scootaloo gasped, "Mommy!" she hesitated for a minute, but she grabbed the doorknob as the light grew brighter and brighter…
"~Scootaloo~"
She opened the door and watched as a mysterious, shadowy figure of a mare stood before her where the light flashed behind her. The voice, without a doubt, had been coming from her. "~Scootaloo~" The dark figure sat and held out her arms for her, her loving voice calling to the little filly to come and hug her.
A tear developed under Scootaloo's eye and slid down her cheek, "M-mother!" She could hardly believe it. Her mother had come back for her! "Mother, you came back for me." She slowly approached the figure, sniffling in overcoming joy as she gazed up at the figure. "I can't believe it… You came back!" She smiled happily, but it immediately dropped to a horrified frown when she saw the dark figure had begun to slowly fade and stray away from view.
"Mother?… mother!" Her voice nearly broke as she called to the figure as it slipped further away from her. Her arms still held out for her little foal; she couldn't leave! Not now!
"Wait, don't go, mother! Mother, please, wait for me!" Her mother had just come back, but now she's leaving again? Why?
No! This can't be happening!
She didn't think, nor hesitate, as she instinctively jumped in the light and dashed after the mare as fast as her little legs could carry her, "Don't go!"
"~Scootaloo~"
"Mommy, please!" Her eyes started swelling up with tears as she ran after the figure. Her wings buzzing as she even desperately tried to fly after the fading mare, trying to catch up with her, "Mommy, please don't go!" she shouted as she ran through a white void.
But as fast as she wanted to go to desperately be with her 'mother', the shadow mare slowly faded away from Scootaloo's view. Scootaloo gasped and kept running, but no matter how fast she went she could not get any closer.
The mare had disappeared.
And she was all alone, once again. Alone within this white void.
Scootaloo stopped and stood still, stiff as a board. She looked out at where the mare had once been with a pair of heartbroken eyes matched with an equally destroyed face. She sat down with her face in her little hooves and sobbed softly before shouting into the white void, desperate for the figure to return, feeling so alone without its loving voice to comfort her, "Mommy!"
***Scootaloo's room***
"Scootaloo, Scootaloo, wake up," Applebloom said, gently shaking Scootaloo to try and wake her up while Sweetie Belle was watching beside her. Both were very worried about their friend.
Scootaloo whined, whimpered and murmured in her sleep. Dry tear streaks trailed down her face which gave her friends a solid clue that Scootaloo had been crying in her sleep. With one final shake, Scootaloo snapped her eyes open. She gasped deeply and took several breaths, "W-what the--…" Scootaloo rubbed her head and sat up in her bed as she tried to calm down from that nightmare.
"Thank goodness!" Sweetie Belle said with a light squeak, she was relieved they finally woke up their friend.
Scootaloo looked at her friends with tired eyes, her mane slightly messed up as a bit of it hovered in her face, which she brushed away, "What... happened?" she asked in a groggy tone before letting out a morning yawn.
"You were having a nightmare, Scootaloo," Applebloom answered, "You tossed and turned so much, I had to wake you up so you wouldn't hurt yourself." She pointed to the dried up tear streaked on her face, "You seemed like you were crying, too."
With all the noise she was making, along with how often she had been tossing and turning in bed, they believed it must've been bad.
"Oh, ok. Thanks, I guess," Scootaloo said as she wiped her eyes with her hoof and looked at her sheets, thinking to herself, 'What was that? Why did I have a dream like that?' She climbed out of bed with a pondering face while Applebloom and Sweetie Belle looked at her confused.
"You alright, Scootaloo?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"Huh?" Scootaloo gazed at her friends before nodding to them. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just had a really weird dream, that's all…"
But it didn't explain the tear streaks she had. Applebloom raised a brow and pondered, as well, "Well, it couldn't have been a nightmare, could it?"
"It didn't feel like one. But it certainly wasn't a good dream either."
Both fillies looked at each other curiously, then back at Scootaloo in bewilderment. This had their attention.
"What was the dream, Scootaloo?" Sweetie Belle asked.
Scootaloo shrugged innocently, but tried to remember "Well, I think was--"
"Wait" -Applebloom interrupted- "you can explain while we go to the clubhouse." She didn't like talking in Scootaloo's orphanage. It felt kind of uncomfortable to her and gave her the creeps as she looked around the room.
Sweetie Belle didn't mind either way. They just came here to get Scootaloo so they could hang out and play.
Both she and Scootaloo shrugged at one another and nodded at Applebloom before walking out of Scootaloo's room, passing an assistant mare named Greedy Bags, who Scootaloo bid farewell to as she headed out with her friends and out of the orphanage. The three then journeyed straight for their clubhouse to do what they do best: find a way to earn their cutie marks.
***Ponyville***
In Ponyville, Fluttershy walked past Roseluck's flower shop and walked over to Sugarcube Corner with a soft smile on her face. An hour ago, Pinkie Pie had asked her to come over to the bakery and help her cook up muffins for Derpy, because of a party she was planning for a friend of hers, and knowing her bubbly friend, Pinkie couldn't say no to a party or two, at all.
Fluttershy spotted Sugarcube Corner and was about to walk up when she watched the Cutie Mark Crusaders walk out of the bakery the exact moment she placed her hoof on the first step. Sweetie Belle and Applebloom looked up at her and openly waved with smiles before they walked past her. As they did, Fluttershy noticed Scootaloo came out last with her head craned down, but the look on her face didn't set right with Fluttershy.
The look Scootaloo had on her face was a look of confusion, sadness and in thought. What was she thinking? Fluttershy wanted to know.
‘Oh dear, my poor baby. What's wrong?', she thought to herself as she glanced at Scootaloo worriedly as they walked away.
Fluttershy frowned. Her mother instincts were kicked into high gear and it told her tried to go and help cheer her little one up, and to make her feel better. She wanted to go through with it, but the secret she was keeping also came into mind that mixed with her current instinct. It was a conflict she didn't want to happen, but it did anyway. If she helped Scootaloo in any way, she would suspect something and ask questions she shouldn't be asking. It was best to stay back and let Scootaloo work out what was bothering her -- and it was aching at Fluttershy's heart.
"Oh!" She removed her gaze away from the fillies and looked down, feeling ashamed and full of regret. Her ears folded flat against her head as she could practically feel the sort of sadness Scootaloo must be feeling.
"I'm so, so sorry," she whispered to herself as she walked up and opened the door to Sugarcube Corner. The door touched the bell and rang, echoing throughout the bakery and letting those who heard it know of Fluttershy's presence.
Instantly, as if a blink of an eye, Pinkie Pie burst onto the scene with her trademark smile and stood behind the front desk, "Hi, welcome to-- Oh hi, Fluttershy! I'm so glad you're finally here," she said with an energetic and happy tone. She started up a conversation really quick, "Derpy requested a lot of muffins and I mean, really, a lot," Even though she knew everypony, Derpy sometimes proved to be a mystery that even she, the party planner of Ponyville and friend to every citizen, could not solve. "I couldn't do it all on my own. Sure, I would've asked Applejack, but I think we would've ended up making apple muffins. Have those even been made yet?" She tapped a hoof on her chin and thought about it for a second, but shrugged it off. Maybe they have, maybe they haven't, who knows? She looked back and immediately noticed a sad look on Fluttershy's face as she walked up to the front stand, her eyes cast down. Pinkie Pie raised a confused brow and tilted her head from seeing this out-of-nowhere behavior, and asked her, "Why the long face, Fluttershy?"
Fluttershy glanced away to the side, "I saw her with her friends when I came here," she replied to Pinkie, "She seemed really sad about something," Pinkie straightened her neck and perked her ears up, instantly solving Fluttershy's gloomy puzzle and figured out who exactly she was talking about.
"It's Scootaloo, isn't it?" She asked… or rather, she whispered, keeping quiet so no one would hear even though no one was around.
"Yes," she nodded, confirming the answer to her dearest friend, "She looked sad and confused." She rubbed her arm as she longingly looked back towards the door as if to try and see Scootaloo from there. "I-I wanted to know what was bothering her. I wanted to try and help her. I wanted to cheer her up, but at the same time, I don't want to raise any suspicions, either," She said, nearly choking on her words, but sighed softly to herself as she looked away. She tried not to cry in front of her friend, but it was becoming hard for her.
"Oh Pinkie… I'm sorry." She apologized to her friend for arriving so glum when she was meant to come here with a smile and help out with Derpy's muffin order. "I really do want to help out with the muffins Derpy wanted, but now after seeing Scootaloo look so broken…" She whimpered a bit, "I just don't know what to do."
"It's okay, Fluttershy," Pinkie said as she nodded understandably and dropped her goofy side for a moment. It was serious time and she openly explained to Fluttershy what the CMCs were talking about earlier while she was working, "She had a dream about meeting a mare with a soft voice in her room." Pinkie wasn't too fond of spying on somepony, especially on one of her friends, unless it was absolutely necessary -- but listening in on something involving Scootaloo was an entirely different case.
Fluttershy perked her ears and jolted her eyes at her. Concerning the party mare, that happy-go-lucky attitude and behavior, in general, was always with her in almost every situation; no matter how serious it got; but this kind of situation brought the serious out of her. If it regarded her friends, Pinkie will always be serious. And this was that moment.
If there was ever a guessing game that Pinkie participated in, she would be a guess and her hunches were nearly right. So, when she heard what Scootaloo told her friends, she had to lay it down to Fluttershy, "Fluttershy, I think it's time you tell Scootaloo the truth," She suggested to her while laying on her arms crossed over the glass.
Fluttershy felt like she had just got hit by a rock and felt her body go cold. She widened her eyes and shook her head frantically, refusing that idea, "Pinkie, I can't do that!" she softly exclaimed. "If I told her the truth, I don't know what would happen."
She felt her heart race a little at the thought of her daughter knowing the truth. If Scootaloo found out that she was her mother, and that she had placed her in that awful-looking orphanage, her little filly wouldn't want to look at her again.
"What if she gets angry, o-or furious, or sad?!" She said as she gasped lightly and widened her eyes, "W-What if she gets so upset that she'll never want to speak to me again?!" She was about to freak out when Pinkie placed her hoof on her muzzle and closed her mouth, shutting her up.
Pinkie sighed and figured this might happen. She may not be a mother herself, but she'll try her best to give advice on this, "Look, Fluttershy, I know and understand that you want to keep it a secret from her, I really do," she nodded, understanding how much her friend wanted this to be kept quiet. Not to mention, it was difficult finding the right moment to tell the truth, when the truth itself had found its way into the situation, "But you got to get this off your chest; it seems to be hurting you more than it's hurting Scootaloo, and she doesn't even know!" she disconnected her hoof from Fluttershy's muzzle.
When she did, Fluttershy looked down and took a few relaxed breaths before looking back up at Pinkie, "Y-You're right. I'm getting all worked up over nothing. But maybe I should just wait until I'm ready," she suggested.
Pinkie Pie just sighed and said, under her tongue, "You've said that before and look what almost happened?"
Fluttershy scrunched her muzzle and blushed, recalling a few episodes she had and remembered Pinkie and Rainbow Dash had to calm her down. She really does need to tell Scootaloo soon, otherwise, the prankster duo might just end up putting Fluttershy in a therapy home. Ironic, since she lives in a cottage some with therapeutic animals. She giggled awkwardly and reassured Pinkie, "Okay, it won't take *that* long, I swear."
Pinkie shrugged her shoulders, settling with that suggestion since Fluttershy seemed a bit more comfortable with that. She was not going to force her sensitive friend into telling Scootaloo the truth, because that would not make her a good friend. It was up to Fluttershy herself to make that decision. "Whatever you want, Mamashy," she smiled while Fluttershy blushed a little at the nickname.
"Come on, let's make those muffins. Derpy can be a little impatient at times," she cringed a bit at that, knowing that it isn't a good idea to keep a muffin obsessed pegasus waiting. Fluttershy smiled in return and walked to the kitchen with her.
***Apple Acres***
A mile away, the CMC had arrived at Apple Acres and made their way to the clubhouse. But Scootaloo still couldn't process what she saw this morning, or why she had it.
What did she see? Why did it happen? Why is this affecting her so much? Those questions kept rolling through her head over and over. And as much as she wanted them to stop, they couldn't; they were begging to be answered.
But nopony she knew personally knew if they had the right answers to her questions or not. And that made her sad mood even worse. Not even a trip to Sugarcube Corner helped her mood in the slightest; not even sweets could help.
As they walked, they stumbled upon Applebloom's big brother, Big Macintosh, who had just returned from running errands for Granny Smith and Applejack.
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo could honestly agree that while they loved Applebloom, they couldn't see themselves working as hard as her family does. And she had quite a big family, as far as they knew from the Apple Family Reunion portraits.
"Howdy, big brother!" Applebloom greeted, approaching him with her friends behind her.
Big Macintosh placed a sack of apples and nails down next to the barn door and looked at his younger sister with a smile, "Howdy, lil' sis. What can I do for ya?" he asked, ruffling her hair which caused her to giggle.
Applebloom smiled in return, "Nothing, I thought we'd say hi before we head to the clubhouse." She said. It felt it would be nice to brighten someone's day with a smile and a hello; Ponyville, let alone Sweet Apple Acres, wasn't known for being the friendliest place around for nothing.
"A'right, then" Big Mac rubbed the back of his neck to loosen some muscles, especially from pulling wagons with the apples he and his family make a living selling. Second to his sister Applejack, he was the strongest member of the family, but no matter what type of chore he had to do, he loved nothing more than to be with his family; especially his cute little sister. "How's yer school petition goin' with the clock tower?"
Applebloom and Sweetie Belle joined Scootaloo in the 'looking down' boat, "We got little progress," Applebloom responded.
"Some of the other ponies agreed with the parking lot idea," Sweetie Belle sighed, rather down.
Big Macintosh perked his ears down, bummed to see his sister and friends depressed. He looked away in thought before an idea came up, "Why don't ya'll play a game to pass the time; like hide ‘n seek?" he suggested, hoping that'll cheer them up.
The CMC thought about that idea. Applebloom looked up at her brother and kindly said, "We'll think about it, Big Mac." She turned to her friends, "Come on crusaders, let's go to the clubhouse."
With that, they start walking away from the farm and leaving Big Macintosh. Applebloom gave her big brother a hug and waved him good-bye, which waved back to her, before disappearing from his view and walking on the dirt path towards the clubhouse.
Scootaloo sighed lightly as she followed her two friends, which unfortunately did not go unnoticed. Big Mac noticed that out of the three fillies, she hardly spoken a peep; Was something bothering the little filly?
"Scootaloo?" The filly flinched a little as she looked up at the red stallion who looked at her in concern, having caught her looking depressed either way, "Is everything okay?"
Scootaloo looked away, her ears lowered once more, "Y-Yeah… just thinking about this dream I had…"
"A dream?" He tilted his head to the side. So, the little filly had a bad dream of sorts? Is that why she's looking upset?
"Yeah, but don't worry, I'm fine." She said as she sniffed.
‘You're clearly not fine, sugarcube.' He thought, and seeing one of his little sister's friends so down was very worrisome. This even brought his big brother instincts up to bat as he wanted to comfort the little filly as he stepped forward, his voice laced itself with concern, "Scootaloo…I-Is there something I can do for ya, little sugarcube?" He was no stranger to help out ponies who needed a helping hoof, and it looked like Scootaloo needed some help herself. "Anything you wanna talk about?"
However, the little filly sighed and shook her head. "No, Big Mac. I… I don't think you can help," She sniffed a bit, trying to keep herself from crying as she could only think back on her dream, "I…I gotta go…" She followed after her friends, wiping her eyes.
Seeing her look so upset greatly concerned the stallion, but seeing that Scootaloo didn't want to talk about what was bothering her, he didn't want to make it worse.
"Poor little filly," He did not know what was bothering her, but he hoped she would open up to what's bothering her, and feel better soon.
Thanks to his little sister being quite close to these two fillies, and the two of them being around all the time with his little sister, they were practically family; and families look after one another.
"Hope she feels better, soon," He sighed lightly to himself but walked off to the farm to quickly finish up the last of his chores. Hopefully, he can talk with Scootaloo and find out what's bothering her later.
As they walked, Applebloom and Sweetie Belle look back at Scootaloo and saw that she was lagging behind, especially when they noticed her talking with Big Mac; She was still puzzled about her dream, most likely. Did it really cause that big of an impact on her? Applebloom wasn't going to take any more of this.
Both fillies stopped and turned around to face her. "A'right Scootaloo, what the hay!?" Applebloom said annoyed and slightly irritated. "You've been acting more down than a bullfrog full of soda-pop ever since we came to get you. What was in that dream of yours that got you so gosh-darn down?"
Scootaloo flinched from Applebloom's light outburst and leaned back with one hoof up. She tried to come up with an answer, but she could barely remember what her dream was, "Um, I can't remember much, just bits and pieces," she responded as best she could to her two friends, "All I remember is seeing a bright light, a dark pony, and hearing a voice; that's it," she summed up what she could remember most from her odd dream.
"A voice?" Sweetie Belle pointed out. "What did the voice sound like?"
"I don't know. It sounded rather soft, I guess," Scootaloo said. "And a tad creepy. Yet… it felt soothing too."
"Do you remember what the pony looked like?" Applebloom asked.
Scootaloo sat down and thought about it, grabbing her head and tried hard to remember the mare she saw in her dream, "It… it was… a mare. Yeah, it was a mare with a calm voice. She was calling out to me." She rubbed the side of her head; That part was spooky, yet the tone in the mystery mare's voice felt comforting.
Applebloom and Sweetie Belle were surprised but nod, wanting her to continue, "Do you remember what she said?" Applebloom asked.
"I think I remember a little bit of what she said," She explained as she recalled its gentle calling. "I remember her saying ‘Helloooo~', ‘Scootaloo~', ‘Scootaloo, come home~', ‘I'm here, it's me~' and ‘My little baby, come home~'."
They widen their eyes while saying "whoa" at the same time. Whoever she saw in her dream must've been trying to get her attention something fierce. Scootaloo nodded at them and tried to remember more about her dream, but nothing else came to mind. She squinted her eyes and tried forcing herself to remember, but it was no use. She patted her hooves on the ground and groaned a bit.
"Do you know who it was that told you to 'come home' to ‘her', Scootaloo?" Sweetie Belle asked.
Scootaloo sighed and looked at her friends, "I think so," She inhaled deeply and slowly exhaled before she continued. "I think it was my mother I saw in my dream."
"Your mother?!" Her friends both shouted in unison, surprised and shocked to hear that.
"Yes," Scootaloo nodded. "I was trying to figure out why I had a dream of my mother. I heard dreams sometimes mean something, or they're trying to tell you something; but… what is my dream trying to tell me?" Scootaloo said as she thought about it.
Applebloom and Sweetie Belle looked at each other surprised before they looked back at Scootaloo. Applebloom walked up to her and sat in front of her, "Maybe we'll figure it out once we get to the clubhouse?" she suggested, willing to help her friend figure her dream out. Sweetie Belle approached them and nodded in agreement.
Scootaloo looked back up at her friends and cracked a small smile, nodding a bit.
Sweetie Belle narrowed her eyes up to the sky before an idea struck her skull, "Hey, I got an idea!" she squeaked out as she started to grin.
Both of her friends looked at her before she started to explain. "Maybe we can get our cutie marks by solving dreams," she suggested, "We've never done it before, so why don't we give it a shot?"
Scootaloo and Applebloom gave Sweetie Belle two wide, excited grins and nodded, loving the idea.
All three jumped in the air and shouted out in joy, "Cutie Mark Crusaders Dream Solvers!" They high-hoof one another in joy upon gaining a new mission.
"YEAH!"
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i like it and please mark more chapters for this story
Really great! I had seen the comics before, and loved the concept. In my personal opinion, although you are laying it on a bit heavy with Fluttershy acting the way she does when she encounters Scoots, keep in mind you may wanna tone that down some, or have it more internal. In the show, there are many times she meets with Scoots and she doesn't give herself away. I understand this is alternate universe, but kinda try to have it fit in more.
Otherwise great job! Looking forward to more.
Really great start. Im going to follow this.
the feels are strong in this one
I was thinking of using that comic too for a story, what a coincidence. It should different when I get to it. Good start by the way.
its good i like it a lot keep up the good work
Not bad but I think you should work on your pacing some, also a lot of the character dialogue and interactions just seemed really rushed. good so far, though.
I hope this has a happy ending
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/2/14/242576__safe_fluttershy_scootaloo_scootalove_artist-colon-0r0ch1.png
Saw this comic. Fluttershy is bitch here. She had her own home, work, position in society and she throwed her own child into orphangae because "she cant manage to have a foal?". Fuck her and author of this comic. If it is his/her view on parental role and duty, so i hope he/she will never had a child.
3968682 don't worry, there'll be more.
3968736 Thanks. But, this might be a stupid question, but how?
3970310 She was very young back then. Be in her hooves and go through the same situation she went through.
3970046 I figured there was a pacing problem. But I couldn't figure out what to come up with next. I'm still a rookie at this.
3968716 Could you point out the errors so I can fix 'em, please?
3970379 ok
Awesome this is so cute
Everyone was way out of character, the pacing was pretty bad, I noticed some grammar mistakes, and.... How did you even manage to call Scootaloo a "timid pegasi" when she's never been portrayed that way in the show?
derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/12/8/176462__safe_animated_scootaloo_crying_hub+logo_scrunchy+face_sleepless+in+ponyville_spoiler-colon-s03e06_cry.gif
3970671 I was aware of the pacing. And how'd I call Scootaloo a "timid Pegasi"? Alternate universe. That's the answer to some questions. And pinkie is in character. Remember Filli Vanilli? Also, please point out the grammar issues. I can't find em. I'm blind when it comes to stuff like that.
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3970310
You do realize that there are mothers who do this in this day in age? Most of them are way to young to take care of a child. So this story seems plausible as long as Fluttershy is very young.
I absolutely loved the comics, and I have a feeling that I will like this more.
I say track down the pony who abandoned Fluttershy and
make him suffer!!!! I really hope Scoots forgives Fluttershy quickly so they can be a family. 
Awesome!
3970671
I think the author was referring to Fluttershy as the timid pegasi
3973317 Huh, never thought of it like that.
I'm wanting an editor so bad, but I have no luck for that. Also, who was acting different? Was it Pinkie? Because in Filli Vanilli, she wasn't really making anypony laugh.
i'll take Scootaloo in, and help her remember her mother, I am the creator of equestria after all
3973658 I see. ok. I know it wasn't well developed, but I put down what came to mind. I'm still blind when it comes to grammar. I have got to get an editor!
3974060 when comes the next part???
Not gonna thumb it up quit yet, but you have my attention. I'll fave it, just to keep track of it.
3974881 soon. I'll make this next chapter a bit longer and more in depth, I hope.
3975306 ok i hope it came out soon :)
3974702 Quite.
A story for the comic that became my headcanon? Well I'm interested!
But yes, as people have said, a proof reader/editor would be a good idea.
I was going to point this out:
Suspicions*
But someone already pointed out you need an editor
Anyway I love scootaloo so imma keep an eye on this, but the quality of writing and grammar has to improve or no upvotes for you
So in this Universe, im guessing, Big Mac is the father?
cause there is a lot of FlutterMac matching fics
3976443
That's what I've been trying to do! I'm going to get an editor for this story.
3973467 Meh
3976968 That it is.
I like this so far, but there is something I would recommend. Each scene should go a little longer and a little more specific instead of just jumping quickly. I'll follow this fix though
MOAR!!!!!
3977477 I agree to this comment. It does seem to jump from one scene to another. My mind wasn't wanting to cooperate, so I decided to put down what come to mind. I'll fix it as soon as I'm done with the second chapter. And I give my word, this one will be a tear jerker like the comic. Won't spoiler anything, sorry.
Very nice story. That being said, I found some things you may want to edit.
Derpy and Roseluck's names are misspelled and you consistently write Sugar cube corners instead of sugar cube corner. Also, I'm pretty sure that should be "past" instead of "pass"
The needed apostrophe is missing.
That quotation mark should be deleted.
That should be "Shy's". Also you seem to switch between using past and present tense throughout the story.
That should be "Fluttershy's".
And that should be "Applebloom". I really liked this story and would like to see more.
3978619 THANK YOU!!!! thank you for pointing these out!!!!
You have a lot of problem with tenses. At one point you use present tense, then you use past tense. You also forget punctiation at the end of a piece of dialogue. There should always be a full stop when you end a piece of dialogue unless you add a "She said" something like that, then it should be a comma.
I suggest you get someone to help you with the grammatical errors, and possibly someone that's willing to help you flesh out the story quite a bit more. It has potential, but it needs work, and a lot of it.
Not bad, but I did see a few problems. The most notable is you don't indicate scene breaks. The writing shows where they should be but there is no indication that there are any so this looks like one giant wall of text. Here is what I mean
There is clearly a change of scene there so you should give an indication of it. You could put a few ***** or use [hr ] (there should be a space there I just put one so nothing would happen). Here is how it could look
Here is the only other place where you ought to show a change in scene.
It'll make this look better overall, IMO anyway. Up to you if you want to do this or leave it as is. Other then that and some other minor errors others pointed out this is pretty good. Hope to see this do well
3980730 Thanks for pointing those out. I've edit that to make less confusing.
3980123 Well, can you point them out? I'm blind when comes to this stuff. Grammar, tenses, ETC. Also, I've mentioned this in the authors notes.
3981572
Change in tense should be easy enough to spot.
"I am buying stuff" is present tense.
"I bought stuff" is past tense.
As for the dialogue punctuation, you just have to read through it yourself. Skim through the chapter and see if what I wrote in my first comment isn't done.
Regardless, I'm no proofreader or editor, I suggest getting one to help you.
You can try The Proofreader Group or Overly Extensive Editors. Both of these groups have people willing to help you out. I currently don't have the time anyway, sorry.
3981612 I see. ok. thanks